THIRTY SIX

Feb 5th: 0700 hours

The company clerk paused in his letter writing. While he no longer had to pretend that he was stationed at Fort Dix, he still did not want to tell his mother everything that happened here in Korea. Klinger decided not to tell her that Colonel Flagg had practically torn the camp apart looking for some clue as to the whereabouts of the Korean family; or that he had grilled poor Rizzo intently; that he had threatened to shoot Hawkeye on sight; or that the Swamp surgeons had gotten very drunk after the memorial service.

No, he wouldn't tell her any of that; although, he had left a message for Colonel MacAllister to call him. He was going to let him know that Flagg had cornered Sarabeth in her office (no one knew what was said in there but he had come out with a pronounced limp). Instead, he simply added: They were real sweet kids, Ma. I'm going to miss them.

Colonel Potter walked out of his office. He was smiling broadly and held a sheet of paper in his hand. "I'm going to post the results of the Sergeant's exam, Klinger. Care to take a look at it?"

"Uh, I'll be there in just a minute, sir," the clerk responded. He quickly placed his pen and paper in a desk drawer. While he was anxious to see the results, he knew that someone else would be even more anxious, and angrier, at the outcome. Time for Operation: Heave-Ho to begin. And, it was time for him to vanish for awhile.

Later in the morning, Max Klinger retrieved his letter and began writing again:

You are going to be so proud of me, Ma, when Uncle Abdul reads this part of my letter to you. Guess what? The Sergeant's list was posted today. And I made it!! That's right. Your son is now a sergeant in the U. S. Army!! It's funny. All this time, I've tried so hard to get thrown out of the Army. And yet, I'm proud of this step-up in rank! Strange how things work out, isn't it?

Remember Corporal Hitalski? I wrote to you about him. For several days, I've been doing my best to stay out of his way. I don't have to worry about him any longer, however. That's some more of my good news. We got rid of him---just a couple of hours ago.

Hitalski was also hoping to be promoted. Except that he didn't bother to study or anything. He tried a more direct approach. He threatened Major Winchester with severe bodily injury if he didn't make the Sergeant's list.

We all knew that his name wouldn't be on it. We also knew that he would head straight for Major Winchester. We came up with a plan to get rid of him, once and for all.

The only problem was going to be in getting Hitalski away from the major without anyone getting hurt. Captain Pierce had said that Sarabeth would be the perfect bait. But, Major Houlihan said she would because she wouldn't have her nurses do anything that she wouldn't do. Hawkeye pointed out that he hadn't shown any interest in her (although, why, he didn't know) and that Sarabeth would have to be the one to draw him away from Major Winchester.

Of course we were afraid that Sarabeth wouldn't be able to handle Hitalski. He was just too powerful. And she could get hurt. She reminded us that she grew up with six brothers who had made sure she could defend herself. And then she grinned and said she intended to have a little insurance in her back pocket. Hawkeye asked her what...a baseball bat? Sarabeth laughed and said she had something even better. She asked how many CCs of our strongest sedative did we think we would need?

Anyway, this morning, the colonel posted the list. My name was on it. Hitalski's was not. He read the notice, tore it off the board and shredded the paper. I didn't actually see this, of course. I was very carefully 'making myself scarce'.

But the people we had asked to watch him, kept us informed. Hitalski went straight to the Officer's Club and started drinking. When he was thrown out of there, he started looking for Major Winchester. That's when we went into action.

The major was on duty in post-op. By the time we arrived, Hitalski had Major Winchester flat on his back, across a hospital bed. Luckily, there wasn't a patient underneath him. Hitalski was holding his shirt tight around his neck and was threatening to pound him into hamburger meat.

That's when Sarabeth came running into the ward from the outside doors. Her hair wasn't tied back like it usually is. She wasn't wearing a coat, either. She was carrying a shirt in one hand. And her other hand was on her hip, next to her back pocket. She stopped just out of Hitalski's range and gave him a dazzling smile that would have melted butter on a cold day.

"There you are!" Sarabeth sounded so happy to see him. "I've been looking every where for you! Congratulations, Hitalski." He looked at her in surprise. So did the major, for that matter.

"What are you talking about?" Hitalski demanded. Sarabeth said: "I'm congratulating you on making Sergeant." He said: "I didn't make Sergeant. And it's all his fault!" He increased the pressure on the major's throat. Sarabeth stepped closer to him. Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt and I almost came out from behind the curtain because we were afraid she was going to attack him, right then and there.

But she continued smiling at him. She told him HQ had just called and his name had been left off the list by mistake. He still didn't believe her. Sarabeth held up the shirt and said she had sewn that third stripe on his shirt, herself. And then she said: "Come on, Elmo. Let's go celebrate. I'll buy you a beer." He told her: "All right! I knew you'd change your mind about me, doll!"

Hitalski dropped Winchester like a sack of potatoes. He started moving towards Sarabeth who was backing away from him. That's when the three of us rushed in. Major Houlihan, with another filled syringe, Father Mulcahy and the rest of the medics were waiting outside--just in case.

We were calling his name and shouting congratulations. We surrounded him and effectively separated him from Sarabeth and the major. Then, we started telling him the story we had concocted. We told him, not only had HQ confirmed his promotion, but they had also changed his orders. He was to report to Tokyo, immediately!

By rushing him and not giving him a chance to think, we confused him enough to believe us. (Hitalski's not too bright to begin with. If he were, he might have noticed that Sarabeth's smile had never reached her eyes.) Captain Pierce hung the shirt over Hitalski's shoulders. I shoved his duffel bag into his arms. And Captain Hunnicutt handed him his travel orders and his jeep voucher. Then, we guided, and pushed, him out the door and to his waiting jeep.

As soon he drove away, we ran into my office and called the closest MP checkpoint. I told them Hitalski was drunk, had tried to deck an officer, was impersonating a sergeant, was carrying forged papers and was driving a stolen jeep. (Every bit of that was true.) They said they would take care of him.

I almost felt sorry for Hitalski. Almost. Until I remembered how many times I've hidden in the latrine, trying to avoid him.

While we were in my office, Sarabeth and Major Winchester came in. They both looked angry. I heard him say something about "…throwing yourself at him". Sarabeth answered, "Major, you're just lucky that MacAllisters stand by their friends…even when they don't deserve it!" She stalked out and slammed the door without another word.

That's the company phone. I have to go. Love you, Ma.

Your son, Sergeant Max Klinger

(That does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?)