One big step

Talking to Shin helped. Every word that spilled from his lips tore at his heart as vivid memories flooded back. Every word Kanra had ever spoken tainted his ears with their poison. Every touch was like cold fire lashing at his skin leaving cruel marks that would never fade. Shin remained quiet letting him talk, the table blocked the door stopping anyone from coming in.

They had become friends easily. Maybe he shouldn't trust so easily but Shin was too expressive, everything was shown and nothing hidden. When his breathing got out of control and he was on the verge of another panic attack, his therapist would stop him waiting until he had calmed down before they could go again.

Within the span of a few hours Shin knew everything about him, while he knew that the man had a younger sister, his parents were divorced and he lived alone. His original hair colour was black, bleached and dyed again and again to get the colour he wanted. The violet eyes were contact lenses. Shin had been Aozaki's successor for the past two years and now lived under the same roof as his mentor.

According to Shin, Aozaki and Akabayashi were rivals but couldn't do anything because they were in the same group. Aozaki was slightly possessive of his rival wanting to be the one to defeat him. Shin had been sent because Akabayashi was worried and that might put the man in danger. Shizuo didn't mind, he had been given a reason, even if it was for the sake of someone else he was receiving the help he needed.

Shin helped him see what was real and what wasn't, that Kanra was only a phantom lingering on the edge of his nightmares. The psychotic teen was being dealt with. His therapist had asked if he wanted to know what had happened. Biting his lip Shizuo had shaken his head. For now he just wanted to get back to his normal life.

/

It was still twenty two hours and six minutes before he braved leaving the room. The police tried again to talk to him, his father keeping them out of the way. His mother remained either sitting outside or in Kasuka's room. Shizuo knew it hurt her not to see him, which was why taking a deep breath he let Kyoichi remove the catheter and the drip. Already the skin on the back of his hand was a yellowish colour.

Covering himself up, the teen took a deep breath attempting to leave the room. Kyoichi smiled reassuringly handing him a pair of crutches. Slipping his hands inside Shizuo squeezed pushing himself up and slowly lowering himself into the chair. His heart was incredibly loud in his ears. Glancing up he wondered if anyone else could hear it.

Holding his crutches, the teen clasped his hands together taking deep breaths. "Ready?" Shin stared down at him walking around to hold the handles of the wheelchair. Biting his lip Shizuo thought about the woman that had raised him and stood by him all his life.

"...Yeah. Do it." His voice shook giving away how nervous he was. The chair rolled forward closer and closer towards the door. Behind him he could hear Shin humming happily. It was strangely relaxing and reminded him of a certain someone.

"If it helps then think of something that makes you happy or someone." Shizuo looked back in shock, his therapist winking at him. Turning back he could feel his face becoming warm. Maybe trying to forget Izaya was what was making his fear real. "Hm, much better. You're smiling, its a sad smile but still a smile." looking away, the teen sighed.

The large front wheels rolled out into the corridor. Shizuo tried not to stare around too much seeing the nurses going from room to room, a woman walking past him. Clutching tighter to the thin silver poles he could feel it happening again. "Shizuo, don't think about it. Do what I told you." Shin rested a hand on his shoulder.

Nodding his head, the chair continued forward past the many patients rooms, past the nurses, doctors and visitors. "Look up." Biting his lip the teen raised his head looking at the small above sign indicating the male bathroom. "You did it. You've taken the first step." Turning his head a small smile touched his lips seeing his brother and father leaning casually against the wall.

/

Twice more the police came and twice more they were sent away the next day. As nice as his nurse was Shizuo knew it was time to leave. His recovery was being hindered by an unfamiliar place. Sitting fully clothed in the wheelchair, his father gripped the handles, Kasuka and his mother walking up a little further ahead. "Shizuo, good luck." His hand was taken a little pressure placed as a telephone number was written in blue ink across his palm. "In case you need me."

The fear was still there, masked under his thoughts of Izaya. His gaze tried to narrow on the large double doors, Kasuka and his mother blocking his view. "Are you sure about this?" His father whispered. Shizuo nodded swallowing thickly. Everyone had said it would be harsh. His friends hadn't come to visit so it must be bad. Though Shizuo was glad they hadn't. He didn't want to push Celty and Karisawa away. "All right. Keep calm and if it gets too much..."

The two doors slid open and now he knew why the policeman had been waiting outside his room. It was to stop people getting in. The sun had already set, his father wanted to wait until night fell. "Damn it." Shizuo shielded his eyes from the mass of people surrounding him, the sounds of multiple shutters sounded. Bright lights blinded him.

"Heiwajima Shizuo why are you still alive?" The loud voices split his ears, the harsh questions threw him off guard. "What was the relationship between you and the killer? Were you working together?" Shizuo closed his eyes wishing the ground would swallow him up, he should have never left his hospital room.

Like vultures they crowded around shoving microphones at him. "How do you think the families of Orihara's victims will feel knowing you are still alive and unharmed?" squeezing his crutches Shizuo stayed silent letting question after question barrel into him. There was no escape.

"Wha-?" Reddened coffee eyes blinked in confusion. Held in his father's arms like a child, his wheelchair was sent crashing into the crowd of reporters. "D-dad?" His father moved quickly staring at the sole space where the car had been parked. Kasuka and his mother had already reached the car and were holding the door open.

Behind him he could hear footsteps rushing forward, the crowd was gaining. Placed in the back seat, his seat belt was yanked across, the other three clambering into their seats. At such a close distance his skin felt itchy. Gritting his teeth the teen ignored it. He refused to show his mother anything else that would upset her.

The headlights shone up illuminating the asphalt. To his side there were more flashes as picture after picture was taken. Something touched his skin making him flinch. "Lets go home. Nii-san." Taking his brother's hand Shizuo forced a smile resting his head against the window.

/

With his wheelchair and crutches left behind, Shizuo let himself be carried out of his seat and into the warmth of his home. Everything was the same as he had left it. "Do you want anything to eat?" His mother smiled standing behind Kasuka. She knew. She knew he hadn't gotten over his fear. "Or drink? I could make you a hot chocolate."

"...Not right now. I just want to sleep." Shizuo sighed resting against his father's chest. "Sorry mum. Goodnight." Slowly he was carried up the stairs and into his room. His bed had been made and his room cleaned.

"I'll contact the hospital and ask them for another chair and crutches. Try and get some sleep. If you need anything..." Placed on the bed the covers were placed over him resting against his chin. "Goodnight, son." Closing his eyes Shizuo heard the door close his father leaving his room. He was home at last.

The room felt smaller than before, the computer sat in the centre of the room, looking like new. Maybe it was. The bed felt too big for him, rolling back against the edge, the other side was left painfully empty. Izaya wasn't there. From now on it would just be him. Hearing a soft click, Shizuo rolled over seeing the screen light up, the starting procedure coming up. The log in screen came up prompting him for a password.

It couldn't be...Izaya? Shifting to the other edge Shizuo tried to get as close as possible. "...Izaya?" There was no response just the screen waiting. Gritting his teeth his fists clenched knowing if he was careless he would ruin his recovery process and have to start again. "I'm going mad..." From where he was it looked like small black dots showing up in the password bar.

Shizuo watched as the cursor moved going onto the internet and what looked like an email account. Glancing at the door to check no one was coming in, his gaze snapped back knowing that Izaya was behind the remote control of his computer. His fingers dug into the mattress wanting to be sitting in that chair.

A few more clicks and a new window popped up. Static came over the speakers loud enough for the sound file to be heard but not loud enough to be heard by anyone outside his bedroom. The moment the file began to play Shizuo covered his mouth to stop himself crying out. "...Izaya."

Shizu-chan. Where are you? You aren't by my side. The meanie police have given me a single call to make. I know your phone is broken so I've instructed someone you don't know to save a copy of this message to my email address ehe. I don't know where I'll be going at the moment but I'll find you. I love you, Shizu-chan. I want to see you.

Shizuo sniffed rubbing at his damp eyes. Izaya. It was Izaya. Izaya had chosen to call him instead of a lawyer or Shiki.. It was a little crackly but it was still the raven's voice. "Izaya. I want to see you." No matter how wrong it was, he just wanted to feel the other teen's warmth.

I'll buy you a ring of your own. I don't like that you're bound to that man and not me. Shizuo smiled hearing the jealous tone. We'll go to a bakery and I'll buy you all the cakes you want. Won't that be nice? Our first proper date. I love you, Shizu-chan... Hey I'm not done. Back off... Then no one will ever separate us again...Get off of me! Shizu-chan! Shizu-chan! I love y-

That was the last word on the file. Finally realising how tense he had been, Shizuo let himself relax, his energy drained. "...Izaya." The raven had tried to contact him. A sad smile touched his lips wanting to listen to the file again and again and again.

Shizuo was expecting the knock at the door. Reluctantly tearing his eyes from the screen he watched the door open. "Nii-san? Are you still awake?" From the corner of his eye he could see that the screen had switched itself off. Biting the inside of his cheek, the teen rolled back leaving space for his little brother to climb in.

"Good night, Nii-san." Shizuo sighed closing his eyes.

"Night, Kasuka." Mumbling his reply the teen turned away. Would the file still be there in the morning when he was alone again? A slim arm draped over his torso. Izaya's words went around his head taking over any lingering thoughts of Kanra and the damage she had caused.

That night he dreamt of a bright summers day, he and Izaya walking hand in hand through Ikebukuro without anyone staring at them or trying to interfere. Held in his hand was a box of his favourite cakes. Held in Izaya's hand was a bitter takeaway coffee. It was a sweet dream one that when he woke up he would feel like he had lost the raven all over again. There was no hiding it and he couldn't forget. Even after everything he loved Izaya Orihara, his flea.