Call me a Chickenfoot! Proud to be a Chickenfoot! I can't walk the walk, but I can bawk the bawk...bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-baaawk!
THE SAD, SAD TALE OF CHICKENFOOT
A man with white hair, a fancy-lookin white suit and a big smile was singing in front of a podium in front of a large amount of people. "I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train!" President Man then nodded, smiling. "And that concludes my statement, honored members of the press! And now I'll take a few hard-hitting questions…"
One reporter raised a hand.
"Yes?"
"Sir you say we have a right to torture…defying international convention!" The reporter spoke up, a pencil in one ear. "Won't you tell us sir, how you support-your…contention?"
"Doug, I'm glad you asked!...and may I mention…" President Man began, raising a finger in the air.
Then he grinned and bounced his head back and forth. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, now you tell me how many pecks of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? FOUR!" He laughed. "I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train!"
"Sir, your budget deficits are soaring…while tax cuts for the rich are your obsession! Some would say you're cleverly ignoring…the question!" Another report spoke up, frowning angrily.
"Kenny, I'll say THIS to that suggestion…" President Man began. Then he grinned. "Mrs. Bigger had a baby, now you tell me which was bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?"
The reporter blinked.
"The baby was a little bigger!" The President laughed. "I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! Oh, I'm…goin' up there…come the Rapture! You're comin' with me…or perhaps yer noooooooot! Cuz Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, is that coincidence or WHAT?!"
"WHAT?!" Everyone gaped.
"I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train-"
"SIIIIIR!" Somebody shouted, raising a notepad up. The President stopped singing.
"Your approval rating is deflating…corruption hangs around you like a cancer! The nation's going to Hell and we're awaiting…an answer!"
President Man rubbed his chin. "Sean, allow me to spell out my plan!"
"Sir?" Sean tilted his head to the side.
"ABCDEFG-HIJKLMNOP-QRSTUVWXY and Z!" President Man laughed. "I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train!"
Ms. Bitters off the TV screen he'd been showing off in class and looked at the class. "And that, class, is the reason why the world hates us. That idiot has his finger on a shiny red button that can nuke half the world. Any questions?"
"How do you expect us to learn anything if you keep asking the questions?" A young, orange-haired, slightly fat and slightly tall kid with a big smiley-face t-shirt asked. White peeked in on the class and sighed deeply before depositing a cross mood necklace in his pocket, deciding to give it to Nick later.
…
…
…
…Dib was watching "Mysterious Mysteries" in his TV in his living room, taking a look at the latest mystery of strange mystery…in this case, it was a haunted fork.
"In the end, even Mysterious Mysteries doesn't know what or who is haunting this fork. Maybe it's this guy!"
FWOMP! A picture of a creepy miner was shown on a folder with the title "Case File 0067".
"The truth…is a MYSTERY."
Dib sipped his "Poop Cola" and put it down, glad that Zim was out of the way and still locked up in the Crazy House for Boys. He was nice enough to send letters which such heartwarming words like "And AFTER I beat you to a bloody pulp"…
Picking up his notepad, which was next to him on the couch along with some Chinese food from Green Tea Restaurant, Dib wrote down his observations. To be truthful, he was SLIGHTLY disappointed with some of the latest findings Mysterious Mysteries had. Granted they'd been looking over a lot more places, which showed they were trying, but still-
"Next on Mysterious Mysteries, the mysterious, the horrible, Chickenfoot!"
The TV now showed a case file with the title "0715, CHICKENFOOT" written at the top as strange footage of what appeared to be a giant chicken of some kind was shown, pecking the ground in the alley behind a "Chicky Licky" restaurant. Then Chickenfoot began to rummage around in a dumpster through the trash, and this got Dib to frown.
"Wait, looks like a guy in a Mr. Chicky Licky suit!" He remarked, holding up his binoculars, which were ALSO on the couch with him, and looked intently at the screen. "Yeah, you can see the ZIPPER!" He complained.
Chickenfoot took out a chicken squeeze toy from the dumpster and squeezed it several times. A few moments later an employee, a girl, emerged from the back door and saw him. Chickenfoot clucked in terror and ran for it, running right towards the camera that was recording him…it was with THAT that the footage froze, and you could clearly see the man's face inside the white-feathered costume.
"That is a guy in a Mr. Chicky Licky suit! What kind of idiots do they think we true believers are!?!" Dib wondered out loud.
It was at that moment that the door to the house opened, and hover screens flew inside, with Prof. Membrane's personal hover screen leading the way. The other screens were all of world leaders that Dib recognized from watching the news, and all of them were looking around HIS house. It was actually kind of cool.
"Hello, son! I'm giving these world leaders a tour of our home!" He told Dib, who calmly sighed, wishing his dad was ACTUALLY here. He picked up his Pork Fried Rice and got back to work on it as the Japanese leader's hover screen floated to Dib.
"Who is the big headed boy?" He asked.
Dib bit his lip to repress his urge to shout "My head's not big". Fine, maybe his head was big, he wished people would stop TALKING about it!
"This is my son, Dib, the future of the Membrane Empire!" Prof. Membrane said proudly as the world leader's hover screens…well, HOVERED around him!
"Dad, I'm a PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR right now." Dib told him. "Remember?"
"He's a bit insane at the moment, but he'll get over it." Prof. Membrane insisted.
Dib folded his arms and frowned. "Daaaad, paranormal investigation is a perfectly legitimate field of study!"
It was then that one such investigator of this "perfectly legitimate field of study" was shown along with the footage of Chickenfoot on the screen of the TV. "We asked a legitimate paranormal investigator what he had to say about Chickenfoot."
"Oh NO." Dib thought out loud. It was none other than the sunglasses-wearing, idiotic BILL!
"Chickenfoot is not a real chicken." Bill said. The footage faded away and it now showed that Bill was in front of the Chicky Licky, holding a bucket of chicken. "He's a space chicken... from a planet where pig demons rule!" He went on, taking a bite from a drumstick.
CLICK! Dib pressed the mute button and his face turned red.
SFX: WAA WAA WAAA!
"Paranormal investigator? Your son believes these things? Are the rest of the people in your country crazy like this boy?" The Japanese leader laughed. Everyone else laughed too, except Prof. Membrane, who looked embarrassed, and the Russian world leader, who was sadly born without a sense of humor…and without hair. AND with a monocle on his eye. It was VERY problematic for his mom, folks!
"We'll discuss this later!" Dib's father said, floating away in a huff.
"But I don't believe in Chickenfoot!" Dib protested as the leaders hovered away, laughing. Dib furiously threw his Chinese food away and grit his teeth. "Man, Mysterious Mysteries is getting desperate for ratings! This Chickenfoot story is undermining everything that serious paranormal studies stand for! That I stand for!" His eyes narrowed as he clenched his fist. "It must be stopped!" He swore, leaping up onto the couch and holding up the remote. He tried to unmute the TV, but unfortunately fell off the couch, losing his balance and making the remote break.
"…I'm okay…" He groaned.
…
…
…
… Dib walked through the wet street in front of Chicky Licky and stopped, looking up at the large chicken statue at the front. He headed inside as a hobo stood at the service window with a bucket of chicken, facing a purple-haired, nose-ringed woman and an ugly-looking man with brown hair.
"I want my slaw!" The hobo demanded.
"You HAVE your slaw, sir!" Eric insisted.
"I want my slaw!"
"You have your slaw, sir!"
"I want my slaw!"
"You have your slaw, sir!"
Dib approached the woman, who spoke up. "Hi. What kinda chicken you want, mister?"
"Actually, I want some information about Chickenfoot." Dib admitted.
Silence. Complete…utter…silence. The hobo backed off, as did Maria and Eric…but then Maria gathered her courage and approached him again. "Don't say that name 'round here! He is the demon beast! We've lost three chicken cookers since he come around!"
"Did Chickenfoot EAT them?" Dib asked.
"No, they got better jobs, the turnover rate's high... But I hate that chicken beast! Get out!" Maria demanded, climbing on the counter. "Get out now! Before you get a better job toooooo!" She insisted, pounding on the glass. Eric rushed to her side, grabbing her shoulders.
"Maria, don't make a scene!" He insisted, turning his attention to Dib as Maria sobbed. "Young man!" He pulled out a drawer full of chicken, holding it up for Dib to look at. "Perhaps you should try a Mr. Chicky meal! Are you thirsty for chicken?"
Dib WAS a little puckish for fast food…but he withdrew his hand and frowned angrily. "DON'T try to throw me off track!" He insisted.
"No, no! The Chicky meal! It comes with a dirty chicken toy! The head comes off and can be used like a little grappling hook!" Eric insisted.
Dib picked up the chicken toy from the Chicky Meal and pressed a little button on the side. The head popped off with a squeak and it hit the floor, revealing that it was connected to a long string. Dib pressed the button again and the string retracted. "That's... a weird thing for a chicken to do!" Dib remarked.
Eric held up another toy just like it. "That dirty chicken has a secret!" He whispered, motioning for Dib to follow him to the meat locker. Dib headed after him and inside the locker.
For a moment there was naught but darkness. Eric's hand moved across the wall, over the emergency axe…
…
…
…
…going past it and flicking the light on as Dib took a bite of a chicken leg. Eric shut the meat locker door as Dib looked around at the various piles of chicken meat and a huge shark jaw that was put up, "guarding" one pile of chicken.
Eric motioned Dib to come closer to him and Dib did so. "Okay, what's the secret of Chickenfoot?"
"Ask the dirty chicken!" Eric said, holding the chicken toy in front of Dib, squeezing it to make it squeak.
"…what is the secret, um…dirty…chicken?" Dib asked.
SQUEAK-SQUEAK!
"Okay, quit that!" Dib snapped.
"Chickenfoot is a mass of chicken evil!" Eric said. The light flashed ominously overhead as Eric went on, the shadow son the wall dancing as he told his tale. "He has come back to avenge the souls of all his chicken brothers! OOOOOOOH!" He proclaimed spookily.
"Oh come on, it's a guy in a chicken suit! Don't you have any hard facts?" Dib demanded, snatching the dirty chicken toy away. "I WANT…HARD…FACTS!" He insisted.
Eric hid behind a barrel of lard, cowering. "Don't hurt me! They say Chickenfoot lives in an apartment building on third street." He then grabbed a dead, plucked chicken from off the shelf and waved it in the air like a ghost. "Ooohhoooooh!"
Dib sighed as the light bulb flickered again, and decided to fix it, getting a ladder and rubbing the bulb with a piece of cloth. "Lemme see if I got this right, The mass of chickeny evil has an apartment?"
ZZAAAP! It burnt out, sending him flying. "WOAH!"
AND SO…A LITTLE WHILE LATER…
Dib looked over the list of people who were living at "Sweaty Pits" apartment and rubbed his chin. "Govern, Rodriguez, Trueheart, Smacky... No Chickenfoot! The old man lied to me!" He frowned.
Suddenly a man in a trench coat who's bottom half of his face was being hidden walked past Dib, accidentally knocking into him. He apologized and headed up the stairs, making gobble noises…
And leaving behind some feathers.
"Heyyy!" Dib called out, running inside and up the stairs. He slid across the floor and ran down the hall, looking around…and catching sight of the man, who saw Dib was after him and took off. "Stop! STOP!" Dib yelled.
The man ran for his life as Dib rushed after him, seeing the mysterious trench-coated person turning a corner. He reached the corner a few moments later but…
He found himself at an intersection hallway, and there was no man in sight. BUT there was a trail of feathers leading to a nearby door. He ran towards the door, leaping up through the air heroically and kicking it. The door burst open and Dib held his accusatory pointer finger up. "Give up, Chicken-"
BOINK! The door bounced back and slammed Dib in the face, Newton's laws at work. Dib groaned and muttered an oath against "Real Science" and simply pushed the door open. "Give up, Chickenfoot, I've got you now!"
The man, who spoke with a slightly Irish accent blinked. "Wait... You wants Chickenfoot! Ho ho, see. I'm Turkeyneck!" He pulled open his trench coat to reveal a HUGE amount of neck flab and a LOT of chins as feathers flew out. "Chickenfoot's two doors down!"
"Well then why'd you run from me?" Dib asked.
"I thought you were one a those darn kids after me lucky neck meats!"Turkeyneck said, holding up his neck flabs and shaking them around. "They're always after me neck meats! Dontcha know!" He smacked his lips. "Ya see me neck meats? They're LUCKY! They taste great!"
"LESS FILLING!" Someone down the halls shouted.
"TASTES GREAT!" Turkeyneck hollered back.
"LESS FILLING!"
Dib stuck his tongue out and exited the room, heading for the apartment two doors down and walking inside the lonely little place. There were feathers all over the place, a TV to the side, a chicken coop, and a plain mattress on the floor with sheets and a pillow on it.
"Chickenfoot?" He called out.
TWHOOM! An ENORMOUS swarm of chickens fluttered around, bawking madly. Dib fell to the ground, groaning as they flew past him and he rubbed his head…then he saw him. SAW him in the large chicken coop, which was covered in straw. "Chickenfoot!" He exclaimed.
"Eh? Go away!" Chickenfoot said, shielding his face with his arms and turning away from Dib. "Don't look at me!"
"I just wanna talk." Dib said gently.
"Don't look at my face! My horrible face!"
Dib picked up an old piece of chicken from a bucket of chicken lying on the ground.
"What happened to you?" He asked.
"It's a sad, sad, revolting tale!" Chickenfoot said sadly. "I was once a man, like you…I held a "Thirsty for Chicken" sign, working at a chicken restaurant, just like you…"
"I don't work in a chicken restaurant." Dib remarked.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!" Chickenfoot shouted.
"I wasn't-just go on." Dib groaned.
"My name is... was... Chuy Rodriguez. I lived…I laughed…I LOVED…I had a good life…" He then hopped out of the chicken coop and spread his wings, eyes filling with sad memory. "But one fateful day, my destiny collided with a defective microwave oven... of DOOM!"
SAID DAY…
Maria had been doing the dishes. A container of French fries was in the tray of one of those dirty dishes, and Eric was actually scarfing them DOWN!
"The potatoes are bad!" Maria snapped.
"These potatoes are GREAT!" Eric proclaimed.
"Potatoes are bad!"
"These potatoes are wonderful!"
"The potatoes are nasty and bad!"
"These potatoes are the best potatoes in the world!"
Chuy walked into the kitchen as Maria and Eric yanked on opposite ends of the tray. "They are NOT, they're bad nasty bad potatoes!"
Chuy calmly put a plate of chicken in the microwave as Eric kept trying to stuff more fries into his hungry mouth, spittle flying everywhere. Chuy set the microwave for three minutes as Maria shouted "NOOOO", all of time moving in slow motion…
Eric and Maria tugged back and forth…and Eric gave in, letting go and making Maria fall to the ground, sending the container of dirty dishes flying into the air.
"NOOOOO!!!"
The container soaked the microwave and electricity shot out, making Chuy scream…
BA-BOOOOOOM! An explosion rocked the Chicky Licky…
PRESENT…
"I survived, but the accident had caused an unholy fusion of man and chicken! And now..." Chuy covered his face. "I must survive on the fringes of society! Neither man nor chicken! Something in-between! A... a chickeny man!"
Dib rubbed his chin and moved behind Chuy. "Hey, hold on, the explosion probably just stuck the zipper! I could pull it loose!" He offered, reaching for the zipper. Unfortunately Chuy turned away and looked at him.
"You speak madness, boy! Every day that goes by I become more grotesque!" Chuy told him.
"That's because you don't bathe." Dib said, putting his hand on his nose.
"I can't even leave the apartment anymore!" Chuy said, looking out the window. "Now the chicken meal toys are my only friends!" He said, squeezing a group of chicken meal toys he'd put on the windowsill. "My one regret is I never got the dirty chicken toy."
"Wait…" Dib raised an eyebrow. "You mean THIS?" He asked, holding up his dirty chicken toy.
"AH! AY! Gi-give me that!" Chuy demanded, lunging for it. Dib moved out of the way quickly.
"Hold on! You get it ONLY if you promise to come to the hospital with me! I think I can put an end to this once and for all!" Dib insisted.
…
…
…
…Chuy, aka Chickenfoot, was holding the dirty chicken toy as he sat on a bed in the examination room of the hospital, with a doctor pacing back and forth in front of him. Dib was on the phone in the hallway, talking to the media. "Yes, yes, send a news crew RIGHT away! I have the REAL Chickenfoot story!"
The doctor sighed as a hover screen showed an X-Ray of Chuy, showing him that he was CLEARLY inside of a costume. She tapped the pointer in her hands, sighing. "Sigh…okay, let's go over it again, alright?" She pointed at the x-ray on the hover screen. "HERE is the chicken head. THAT is YOUR head. Looking out the MASK. See? Right there, okay?"
Dib walked up behind Chuy and smiled ."Ya see, Chuy? It's JUST A COSTUME." Dib said gently. "Now let us take it off before you make a total mockery of paranormal studies!"
"No, it's not true! It's impossible!" Chuy gapsed out, lying on his stomach and hiding his head in his big, feathered costume hands.
"WHA?" The doctor sighed. "We can just UNZIP the BACK." She said, reaching for the zipper. Chuy immediately whacked her over and rolled off the bed he was on. "NO! You taunt me! I'm a FREAAAAK and I'll always be a freak!"
With that, he made a run for the door, screaming as he soared out into the hallway.
"…it's really hard to wanna chase somebody who smells that bad…but I'll do it…FOR SCIENCE!" Dib proclaimed, rushing after him.
Chuy kept knocking into people left and right, all the while making gobbling noises. He hit a burn victim on a gurney and dropped the dirty chicken toy…he knocked an old woman in a wheelchair over and made her cuss.
Dib picked up the ditrty chicken toy and waved it in the air. "Chickenfoot! Come back! You're not a freak! You're just stupid!" He yelled, running out the hospital after Chuy, who was in the parking lot, pecking at the ground and hopping around. He then accidentally knocked into a truck and groaned…and then he saw his face.
He screamed at the sight of his "freakishness" and ran back towards the hospital. Dib, however, was ready. He unhooked the beak of the dirty chicken which pulled out intoa string, swung it over his head and tossed it…it sailed through the air, hooking onto the costume zipper. Dib tugged and tugged, but couldn't hold back Chuy, who dragged Dib along as he ran through the hospital…
BANG! Unfortunately Dib ended up getting slammed against a door, the string becoming taut on the other end, where Chuy and a news crew had fathered. Chuy tried to run further, but since Dib, still holding onto the chicken grappling hook toy, was on the other end…he wasn't going anywhere.
"Look, it's Chickenfoot!" One reporter exclaimed, pointing at Chuy…
And then it happened. The hook of the dirty chicken toy finally got the zipper unzipped and Chuy popped out of the suit, falling to the ground, with all the news crew jabbering to each other as they crowded around him.
" Chickenfoot? Chickenfoot, over here sir! Over here!"
"Chickenfoot rocks!" Somebody shouted.
Chuy lifted his hands to the air. "The curse if LIFTED! Oh, THANK YOU!" He proclaimed to the Lord.
Dib walked in, putting his fists on his hips. "It was JUST a COSTUME." He exclaimed.
"Chickenfoot was a fraud all along!?!" A reporter asked.
Dib looked triumphantly at them all as he addressed them. "This just proves that paranormal studies isn't a bunch of crazies believing in anything! We also disprove the frauds!" He insisted.
"I bet this means BIGFOOT is a fraud too!"
"And UFOS!"
"And hobos!"
"No, wait! Those are real!" Dib said, raising an eyebrow. "Except the hobos. Wait, no. They're real. I... I guess. But-" He shook his head, groaning. "What's WRONG with you people!?!" He shouted.
…
…
…
…Dib sat back on his couch as Mysterious Mysteries played on the TV, with John the anchor sitting at a desk. A picture of Chuy and Chickenfoot, side by side, were shown to his upper right. And so, the legendary Chickenfoot has been exposed as a fake, calling into question all other monster sightings."
Dib shut the TV off. "Well, that didn't turn out like I planned, but at least the whole thing's finally over."
He put his arms behind his head and nodded approvingly. Chuy was back at work for Chicky Licky, now manning the CASH REGISTER. His dad had actually been grateful for "putting his mind to good use" and he had some good publicity that would last him at LEAST a week. "Mmmmyep." He said, smiling. "Nothing like that will ever happen ever again!"
Meanwhile…at Krazy Taco, a man approached a microwave, pressing a few buttons to heat up some tacquitos. There was a blinding flash of light…
"NOOOOO! NOOO! Oh, I'm a TAAACOOOOO!"