Disclaimer 1: That '70s Show copyright The Carsey-Werner Company, LLC and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. The 10th Kingdom copyright Babelsberg International Filmproduktion GmbH & Co. Beitriebs KG and Hallmark Entertainment Distribution, LLC. No money's being made through this story. Simply written out of the love for the two series.
Disclaimer 2: I have taken great pains not to reproduce any of the narrative from The 10th Kingdom novelization by Kathryn Wesley. The narrative (i.e. the words) of this story are mine with the exception that some of dialogue has been retained from The 10th Kingdom for the sake of story clarity.
Disclaimer 3: "Stairway to Heaven" copyright 1971 Led Zeppelin and Swan Song Inc.
CHAPTER 38
A SCENIC ROUTE
Eric hadn't seen his sister in almost three years, not since she went on her honeymoon without her husband—without Fez. But she was there, in the hand mirror, with a diamond crown on her head and crimson robes on her body. She was here.
"Holy shit!" He couldn't stop cursing. "Holy shit!"
Laurie's face filled more of the glass. He reached for the mirror, but Jackie hurled it into the waterfall.
"How can she be here?" Eric bent to Fez and grasped his furry face. "How did my sister get to the Nine Kingdoms?"
"Hey," Kelso pulled Eric up, "leave Fez alone. It's not his fault."
"I know," Eric said. Donna grabbed his hand, but he couldn't feel it right now.
They all climbed the wet rocks along the falls in silence, but Eric continued to curse in his mind. He only stopped when they reached a grassy plateau. The river roared beside them, white with froth.
"I thought she was in Canada," Donna said.
"We just made that up, okay?" Eric said. "Mom and Dad didn't know what else to think."
"Well, think about me." Jackie's lips curled into a snarl. "That mirror thinks your slut of a sister is prettier than I am."
Eric gestured to the river wildly. "Is that why you threw the mirror away?"
"No. Since we could see, her, maybe Laurie could see us, and—"
"And what?" Eric said. "What do you think she's going to do?"
Kelso pointed to himself. "Me!"
"No, you idiot!" Jackie said. "How do you think she got here?"
They were walking in woodland now, and the river had become smooth and quiet. Fez kept pouncing on bugs in the grass...
Eric froze. "Laurie's got the other Traveling mirror." He didn't want to think about what that meant.
The trees opened up into a glade. Snow White Falls was rumbling in the distance.
"Which way now?" Donna said.
"I'll find out," Kelso said. "Fez—where's Fez?" Fez sprang out of the woods and ran toward him. "Hey, boy." Kelso gestured to the path in front of him. "Is this the way to your castle?" He waited, and then his eyes narrowed. "A stick? No, hold on a second! Big things are happening here. Your stepmother is your wife!—and my ex-girlfriend, sorta. Well, the person I did it with on a regular basis. Don't you get it? She's the hot Evil Queen! The one who killed your—"
"Kelso..." Donna touched his arm then glanced at Eric.
"Right. Sorry, man" Kelso said.
Sprawling green mountains stretched into the mist-shrouded sky, and Jackie found the scenery quite beautiful. Yet every time she passed a clod of dirt in the grass, her attention would linger there. She was walking in the valley alongside Michael and Fez, but Donna hung back with Eric.
"Man, how come Fez got turned into a dog by having sex with Laurie, and I didn't?" Michael said.
Jackie patted his arm. "Oh, you did, Michael. Just one without fur and a tail."
Michael tossed a stick, and Fez ran after it. "I can't believe it, Jackie. How could Laurie do that to Fez's parents? I mean, she's evil but not that evil."
"I don't know. I could see her upgrading from whore to traitorous murderer," Jackie said.
Fez bounded back to them with the stick in his mouth, but he stopped short of letting Kelso take it from him. His paws started to dig into a clump of dirt.
"No, Fez. We don't have time for you to bury—come on!" Michael pulled on the stick, but Fez growled at him. "Fine, but no more fetch after this."
Tears rose in Jackie's eyes. It was the stupid dirt. "Steven was right. Happily Ever After doesn't exist."
"Aw, Jackie, that's not tr—"
A cloud of pink dust shot across Michael's face and collided into a tree. The next cloud hit him in the nose.
"Michael?" Jackie said, but he lurched sideways.
She didn't watch his body drop, only heard the thump when it hit the ground. Jackie had started to run.
"Victory for the Troll Nation!"
The three Trolls leapt up from a thick cover of bushes. They had slingshots. They were shooting Troll dust.
Fez dashed ahead, but he was the next to be struck down. Jackie ran past his unconscious body, and another thump sounded behind her. She didn't look back.
"Donna!" Eric shouted. Then he was quiet.
The Trolls chased Jackie through the woods. Pink clouds flew by her face, and then one burst against her back. Another hit her neck. The sweet scent of it filled her nostrils, made her light-headed, and she collapsed onto the grass.
The vibration of the Trolls' heavy footsteps rumbled beneath her. "Kill our dad, would you?" one of the Trolls shouted.
Where had they gotten that idea? Jackie wanted to shout, but all she could do was whimper. Sharp blows struck her back and shoulders. The Trolls were punching her, kicking her. But the pain of it soon faded. She was almost unconscious.
"No," a cold, soft voice said above her. "You'll get your chance after the Queen is finished with them."
They were the last words she heard. They were the Huntsman's.
Eric awoke to the Bee Gees' "Saturday Night Fever" and reached toward his clock radio. Only he couldn't move his arm. It was chained to Donna's. And there wasn't any clock radio either because he wasn't safe at home in his bed. He was in a bumpy wagon with his still-sleeping friends. They were all chained up together while three drunken Trolls drove the horses and butchered what was already a terrible song to begin with.
A separate chain was around Fez. The Huntsman was holding the end of it in his hands, and his head lolled around with the jerky movements of the wagon. His eyes were closed.
Eric tapped Donna's shoulder. "Wake up. The Huntsman's asleep."
Her eyes fluttered open, but she seemed to grasp their situation quickly. She woke Kelso with a hand over his mouth. Eric did the same to Jackie, and she bit him.
He swallowed the pain. "No one can see us," he said.
"We've got handcuffs on," Donna said, "and our feet are tied. How are we—?"
"Just jump off the back," Jackie said.
Eric nodded. "No one's gonna see us. Let's go."
"No wait," Kelso said. "What about Fez?" Then he frowned. "No, Fez, I won't."
Donna patted Kelso's arm. "What did he say?"
"He told me to go." Kelso shut his eyes and shook his head. "I can't leave him, not with these dicks. I can't."
"Look, Michael, don't think about it," Jackie said. "Just do it. Ready? One, two—"
Eric and Jackie shoved Donna and Kelso off the side of the wagon. They rolled with them onto the ground, and the impact of the landing knocked the air from Eric's body. Kelso and Donna were groaning beside him. Jackie merely cursed.
Moments later, the four of them sat up. They watched as the wagon trundled into the distance—with Fez.
"Okay, Eric," Donna said, "is there second part to your escape plan?"
Jackie was happy to have the ropes off her feet. Eric had untied them without difficulty, but she wished he knew how to bite through chains with his teeth. They were all still shackled together, and it made for difficult walking. Michael and Donna kept jerking her with their steps.
They were still in the woods, but an entirely different wood than before. The trees weren't the same ones as those by Snow White Falls. No mountains rolled along the horizon.
The sun was low in the sky, which meant night would fall soon. Jackie brushed Steven's ring across her lips. He had to be out there somewhere looking for them, for her. He had to be.
"Here's what I don't get," Donna said. "What's the point of escaping if we're just going to walk right into the castle?"
"Look." Kelso gestured to a wooden sign post.
One arrow read: PRINCE FEZ'S CASTLE – 39 MILES, and it pointed in the direction they were already going. That way was open to the sky, and it was friendly-looking.
The other arrow read: CASTLE – 13 MILES and pointed to a shadowy area dense with trees and thick with mist.
"Great! It's a shortcut." Kelso started pulling them all to the darkly lit path.
Eric dug in his feet. "Wait. Why do you think one route is thirty-nine miles and the other is thirteen miles?"
"Maybe there's a scenic route," Kelso said and yanked on the chain.
"I'm with Kelso," Donna said. "I'm not walking another thousand miles through a forest. Thirteen miles sounds good to me."
Jackie didn't voice her own objections, mainly because she didn't like either option, but the choice seemed to have been made. She and Eric were being dragged to the edge of the shadow-covered shortcut.
"No," Eric said. "The other way's gotta be longer because it's safer. This is..." he waved ahead of them, "this can't be good."
They walked into the shadows, into the misty air. The ground became soggy beneath their feet, and it sounded like Eric had stepped in something even squishier.
"Y'see? Y'see?" he said. "You think maybe the other path is going around something?"
"Maybe it's just not suitable for carts," Donna said.
"Donna, how can you be okay with this?" Eric pointed to his ick-covered shoe. "This place is a bog."
Donna smiled. "Kermit the Frog lived in a bog."
As they continued on, Jackie regretted not fighting to go the other way. The trees looked like gnarled, grasping hands. The air smelled rotten, like death. Her boots were making unpleasant sucking sounds on the moist ground, and she missed Steven more than ever. Even he wouldn't have liked it here.
The shadows gave way to an eerie green light. Marshy water surrounded them in ponds. They were definitely in a swamp.
"Is it just me," Kelso said, "or can you hear 'Stairway to Heaven'?"
"It's just you," Eric said.
Jackie nodded, but Donna said, "No, no. I hear it. That's Robert Plant's voice. Listen."
Jackie and Eric looked at each other and shrugged.
There's a sign on the wall, but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings...
Michael was singing. His eyes seemed dazed.
In a tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Donna had joined in, and her eyes were equally glassy.
Jackie tugged on Michael's sleeve. "You know, it's not too late to turn back."
"Wait, wait. This is a great album," Donna said. "We've come this far. Let's keep going until we've at least heard 'Misty Mountain Hop'."
"Yeah." Michael's eyes were closed now, and he was swaying. Jackie pinched him. He didn't seem to notice. It was as if he and Donna were in the midst of circle-time.
Jackie pushed Michael forward, and Eric did the same to Donna. They walked while the two dopes sang Zeppelin to themselves. Ahead, small lights were zipping through the trees. They were too fast to be fireflies.
"And a new day will dawn for those who stand long, and the forests will echo with laughter," Donna sang. "Come on, Eric," she said, "you've gotta be able to hear that!"
The lights darted underneath Jackie and Michael's chains. Then they sped upward, leaving a sparkling trail behind.
"What are those lights?" Eric said, and the lights flew by his face as if in response. They looped behind him and shot forward to a tree stump, where they flashed even brighter. Three tiny giggling girls with translucent wings were standing there when the light faded.
"Who are you?" Jackie said.
"Who are you?" said one of the girls. Jackie recognized the tone. It was bitchy. These Fairies were teenagers.
"Everyone thinks they can handle the swamp," another of the girls said.
The third girl looked at the others with a cheerleader's deviousness. "But they all end up in the hands of the Swamp Witch."
"Oh, great," Donna said. She seemed to have snapped out of her daze a little. "The Swamp Witch?"
The second girl giggled. "There are three things you musn't do under any circumstances. Don't drink the water."
"Don't eat the magic mushrooms," the third girl said.
"And whatever you do," the first girl wagged a tiny finger at them, "don't fall sleep."
"Okay, why don't we just keep moving?" Eric said. He turned Donna around.
"Oh, look, they're all chained up!" one of the girls said. "Would you like to be separated from each another?"
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Oh, yeah. You have no idea."
"All right then," the first girl said.
"No, let me," the third girl said.
The second girl raised her hands. "No, it's my turn to be naughty." Tiny bolts of white lightning sparked between her fingers.
"Wait," Jackie said, "what do you mean by—" The shackles fell from her wrists. "Oh, thank God. Eric, can you..."
But Eric wasn't there. Neither were Donna or Michael. She glanced around. She'd been transported to an entirely different area of the swamp.
"Eric!" Her voice echoed through the moist air, but that was the only answer she received.
Jackie growled and kicked a mossy stone. When she'd said she wanted to be separated, she hadn't meant like this.