Chapter 38

Allen's POV

"We share you?" I asked the shadow-figure. He—or perhaps she- nodded.

Like the Noah of Bonds, I am too powerful to be contained in a single body, it answered. Hope flooded in my chest, a desperate, overwhelming hope.

"Does this mean we have completed our ordeal? Can we return now?" I asked eagerly. I looked at Adam with hope, baring my soul so easily to him. He returned the look, and I felt that through everything, we had truly become as one entity. Two people whose lives have been sewn together through shared experience. His hand tightened around mine.

It is almost over, the Noah of Time answered, but there is still one last thing you must do before you can return to the world.

"What is that?" Adam asked, his expression becoming as wary as my own. The world around us crumpled, all remnants of the city melting away. Our surroundings became a pure, bright white. Only the Noah's Essence and our own selves remained. I looked up at Adam worriedly. It was then I realized that he was no longer by my side. I started, whirling around to try to find him

"What have you done?" I demanded, glaring at the Noah, trying to shove down my rising panic.

"When a Noah is born, he or she is given a choice," it explained. "All that you have seen, all that you knew as a human taken away. You can choose to lock away the Noah memories and your human memories. But this is a choice you must make for yourself."

"I …can choose to forget?" I asked, awed, and more than a little tempted. I could lock away all of the bad things I had seen, forget the number of things I had done to cause others pain. I could live without feeling broken.

"Indeed, you can choose to make that choice. But as there always is, there is a price to pay if you make that choice. You can lock away those memories, but if you choose to forget the memories, you will forget both the good and the bad. You will forget the memories of the Noah, and the memories of your life, and that which you have seen of Adam's life. He alone would be forced to remember everything," it replied. "He has chosen to remember it all. If you forget, there may come a time when he will go mad."

"Such is the nature of twins," I murmured, realizing that twins had to shoulder things in a balance. "If we both remembered, what would happen? Would one of us still go mad? Would both of us lose ourselves?"

"To be honest, I do not think it will be a problem. Adam will merely be forced to take a role heavier than he has yet to know. If you both remember, you are equals, perfect replicas of one another." The shadow dipped its head. "On the other hand, if one were to remember, and one were to forget, you still complement one another. You are reflections, interlocking pieces. Such is the nature of Noah twins."

"Why can I not choose to only forget the bad memories?" I asked it. "What is the point of that?"

"We Noah do our best to respect the facts of life, especially the duality of it. Humans, hearts, fate; all of it is dual in nature. No person is truly black or white, no perfect day is made perfect without a shadow cast upon it to make it shine all the brighter. Even fate will give the good, and the bad. There can be no good without the bad, nor the bad without the good. No matter how small each may be." Its grin widened. "We have to learn to treasure the things we hold in the now, and look forward to the joys yet to come."

"I want to forget the Noah memories, both the good and bad," I said calmly. "May I choose to do that?"

"You may. They are not yours, and therefore you do not need to always remember them consciously. I can lock them away once more, for the next host to uncover," it answered. And like that I felt the burdens ease off of my heart and mind. I breathed deeper, feeling more alive than ever. Though I could not remember certain parts of the trial, I could feel the scars left upon my heart; what good memories had I seen from the Noahs to put levity in my breast? Or…had seeing so many centuries of memory simply weighed me down, and this lifetime is nothing in comparison to that? Either way, I felt hope. "What would you like to do with your human memories?"

I opened my mouth to tell him that I wanted to keep them. After all, I treasured those few good, warm memories with every fiber of my being and I was loathe to part with them in the face of the bright future awaiting me from this trial. I no longer saw them as a curse. No, in this place, with Adam's help, they saved me. Even the knowledge of what I have done is nothing. I have time to heal, people to help me, time to make amends. I am no longer the same person, nor am I oppressed. I can be free. I can live with my family as I have always longed to do.

But as the mind often does when in a moment of brightness, it cast a memory at me. A memory that made me falter.

Mana had loved me. He chose to adopt me twice.

Tyki loved me, kissing and holding me despite knowing me.

And Neah had been my friend. A dear, dear friend who betrayed me.

I was not sure I could go back to that world. Mana had abandoned me once. I would always doubt him, always wonder if he would one day tire of me and abandon me again. Tyki had originally intended to seduce me and have me punished for it. I would constantly wonder if our love was true, or if he still wanted to use me, if I should expect him to stab me in the back in order to gain revenge for the sins I committed against the Noah family. Dear Neah…I do not think I will ever fully trust him. I will never be able to tell what is lie, and what is genuine with him. I will continually suspect his every action. Perhaps in this moment, I know that none of these will happen. Unfortunately, those memories are etched into my heart now, and these awful memories will cause tension, and possibly ruin our relationships for all eternity. Maybe not immediately, maybe in the future.

Bonds will remain, but that does not mean they are not damaged.

I faltered, staring at the Noah of time with sadness now as the realization washed over me.

"I have so much history with the people who are waiting for me. My life has turned me into someone who cannot trust a second, or third time," I said, speaking my realization out loud for him. "If I go back, there is a chance that I will not be able to achieve the happiness that I seek, because I will already know the cruelty of my world and my loved ones. I will always remember it."

"I doubt it is a mistake they will make again," the Noah of Time reasoned with me. But now, in the face of making the most important choice of my life, a choice that will determine my happiness and fate, I know myself fully. I may be defiant, and broken, a child at heart. I am also weak, and I would allow the bad to poison the good memories I have, the good memories I would make. I am a fool, after all.

When it is hard to see ahead, sometimes you need to look down where you are now and focus on the moment rather than where you have been and where you are going. Instead of thinking of all pain and grief you have felt and will feel, only focus on what you have today. And remember that there will always be sun after the rain.

I am a fool, but because I am a fool, I have enough courage and hope to take a leap of faith in this moment.

"I know I can make my own memories," I answered at last, smiling. I imagine it looked both sad and mournful. "Do you know what I have chosen?"

It nodded.

::

Mana's POV

Firelight woke me, the bright flare and sound of crackling as someone stoked it loud. I sat up with a start, then frowned as I saw it was only Lulubell tending to the fire. I stretched, the bones in my body cracking. I looked at the two new Noahs sleeping peacefully on the pallets we had made for them. Only mere hours ago, Wisely had announced they reached the end of their journey, that they were now only in need of rest. I smiled, glad to see that Red was fine, and that he was no longer in pain. To see his chest rise and fall. His body had healed successfully.

"Is it alright to take him to their room?" I asked Lulubell. She nodded. I moved slowly, and carefully gathered the young man into my arms. He was warm, and curled against me unconsciously. It touched my heart, making a strange bubble of happiness well there. Lovingly I carried him up the stairs to the room he had stayed in with us. I tucked him into the bed carefully, pressing a kiss to his head, where a fresh stigmata proudly lay. I did the same with Adam, though I found he was much more difficult to carry, and I did not know him well to give him a kiss. Nonetheless, I tucked him in carefully, making sure he was in a comfortable position.

"They look so much better than before," someone remarked from behind me. I turned my head and found Tyki standing there. He looked about exhausted as I felt. I recalled seeing him sleep on the floor, and wondered if he was stiff from that. Still, he did not appear bothered by that. No, his gaze instead fell onto Allen. For a moment, his vulnerable expression reminded me of Neah. But I suppose now, after what he has done, Neah will never be able to wear an innocent expression again. Well, perhaps that was an inaccurate assumption. Red, for all of the blood soaking his head, could give me the most pure expression. It was rare, but I had glimpsed that innocence.

"Yes, they do. It is a relief to finally have a little peace. Their transformation was very violent, and very traumatic. Road, who still remembers the other memories, said it was the most painful she has seen. No Noah had ever been dead before the transformation. She is worried that there will be a few repercussions for them," I replied. Tyki sighed, rubbing the grit from his eyes, no doubt.

"What do you think they chose?" he wondered. Almost all of the Noahs choose to forget their Noah memories, but few choose to forget their human memories. Allen and Adam, however, may be the exception to that case.

"Allen is strong," I replied certainly. "If he made it with Adam's help, I am certain he will choose to carry the burden."

I glanced at the night sky out the window, calculating the position of the stars. It had been a while since anyone had eaten.

"You should go wake up the others, convince them to eat something," I suggested. Tyki looked reluctant to leave, but he took my advice and left the room. I returned to Allen's side, slipping my hand into his.

"I will never abandon you again," I swore to him. "No matter what choices you will make, or who you may become, I will not leave you alone again."

I sat in silence, simply watching him as he slept. An immeasurable amount of time passed. I heard the door open and the sound of bare feet padding into the room uncertainly. The person, or rather, the intruder who entered without permission, hesitated. As if unsure where he should go.

"The others are waiting for you to join them for breakfast," Neah announced, his voice soft and almost without emotion. I looked at him, and saw that he was hiding behind a mask, trying to make sure I did not see how he felt. Despite the fact he had betrayed Allen, nearly killing him, I still love him. Neah has showed me a side of himself I never knew existed. I do not know if he himself knew how dark that side of himself was until he realized the severity of his actions as they came to fruition.

I made no move to leave, since I knew my brother better than anyone else. He wanted to talk. He wanted to confess.

"I have become a monster," he said at last. I nodded. He had indeed become like a monster. "I can never be forgiven…I will never be able to redeem myself, will I?"

"That is a question only your conscience can answer," I said softly. Neah was silent, though I suspected he was crying. If he truly felt regret, then he was certainly on his way to redeeming himself, and more importantly, redeeming his humanity.

I decided that if there were confessions to be made, I may as well continue my own. He already knew my sin towards Allen, but he did not know how deep my doubts went in the time I spent with him.

"I often thought about returning here to raise Allen, to make sure he was doing well. Especially when you started establishing yourself and you needed me less. I thought about coming here, just to check on him. But I knew I would be trapped and unable to see you again if I did," I told him. I smiled in memory, recalling how tempted I was to return. Even worse, I knew it was the right thing to do. It was wrong of me to leave without making all prior arrangements; I should have handled everything, made certain that Allen would be taken care of, not tossed into a cruel world of assassination and dirty politics. "I even dreamed that sometimes he needed me, that he was ding of illness. I always told myself that the other Noahs would take care of him, look after him. I did not know what would happen to my adopted son, and though I cared, I forced myself to forget about that love while I was with you. That…was a monstrous thing of me to do. Look where it has led."

I tilted my head towards Red's inert form. Neah sniffled.

"I feel like I do not deserve to be anywhere near him," he said softly. I nodded.

"We may not deserve it," I admitted. "But only he can decide whether or not we are forgiven. And only we can determine when enough penance has been given."

"He—"

"Red is a kind person at heart. He may not forgive immediately, but I think he will forgive you. And he will always love you," I told Neah, looking him in the eye. He was struggling so hard to cry without a sound, though the tears streaming down made it look as if he wanted to wail. "And I will always love you too."

Without warning my brother threw himself into my arms sobbing. I briefly let go of Allen's hand to hold my brother. I rubbed his back soothingly, murmuring to him words that would calm him and ease the pain. Outside the window, the sky was beginning to lighten, the break of dawn approaching.

"Come on," I urged him gently. "Let us go and eat together with our family. We can leave these two alone to rest."

He nodded, and wiped his face as he rose to his feet. I helped him, pushing away the nagging need to be with Red as he woke up. Unfortunately, I knew I had to take care of myself, and Neah. It was also unlikely he would wake up any time soon.

I cast one small glance to reassure myself that he was alive and resting peacefully before I led my brother out of the room.

::

No more than ten minutes could have passed when a growing sense of unease filled me. I could not explain it. I felt worried, and restless, like I needed to pace around, needed to run back up the stairs and check on Allen. I could only put up with it for about fifteen minutes before I excused myself from the table, saying that I had neglected to change my clothes—which was true. The other Noahs were too tired to try looking through the excuse, or they were no bothered by my excuse to go see my adoptive son. I wasted no time in running up the stairs and opening the door. The sight that greeted me made me feel less insane and overbearing than I had felt moments before.

Red was awake, standing before the window.

My first thought was, he is awake!

My second thought, he is standing on his own two feet!

My final thought was more of a realization. The Noah healed all diseases, ailments, imperfections. Of course it would rid his body of the harmful substance Leverrier used to control people. Of course he would be able to see again. What more beautiful thing could he first lay eyes on than the wonderful dawn that seemed to color the horizon.

I stood watching him, unable to bring myself to break the concentration he had. He did not seem to acknowledge me presence, and for that I could not blame him. Instead, I joined him in watching the dawn. It was certainly a beautiful one, full of deep, rich color. And it faded ever so wonderfully into a blue sky. This sunrise even made the desert look beautiful.

"You can see," I said softly, when I felt that the time was no longer awkward. Red turned to me, his eyes a brighter silver than I had ever seen, and an expression so open and relaxed, it almost broke my heart. He looked like an angel.

"I can see," he said, eyes bright, drinking in everything about the moment. I smiled, joy filling me. I approached him, warmly drawing him into my arms. He practically melted there, pressing against me without hesitation.

"I promise I will never let you go again," I whispered. He was quiet, and for those moments I held him, all was perfect. I let him go, smiling into his face. Staring into his face, I realized what was wrong. This was not Allen or Red. He was not the same person I adopted. Well…he had the same soul, for certain, but none of the hardships etched into his gaze or actions.

"Do you remember me?" I asked him sadly, reminding myself that even if he did not know who I was, it was still the path he chose, and it might even be the better path for him. Even if he forgot all of those happy memories we shared…his future was more important.

"No," he said honestly, unknowing that his words would hurt me. I took a moment to squeeze my eyes shut and compose myself. I could not cry nor mourn in front of him right now. "I…I am sorry…"

I heard the fear in his voice, the uneasiness. But also the hope. I clung to his hope and looked back at him. I smiled reassuringly.

"You have nothing you need to apologize for," I told him gently. He returned my smile with a shy one of his own. My, it was such a bright, beautiful smile. Then he looked down into his palm, fingers uncurling from around the ball of paper crumpled there. I wondered where he had gotten from, and when. "What is that?"

He was quiet, as if he did not know either. He did take it and unfold the crumples. After he read the brief scribbles there, he looked up at me with hope, and happiness. And such sweet innocence.

"What does it say?" I prompted him.

"My name is Allen. I am the son of Mana Walker, and Neah is my uncle. The Noah are my family, and they are the people I love more than anything in the world."

Tears burned at my eyes again. One or two may have slipped out. Truly, what had I ever done to deserve Allen? This was his declaration of love and forgiveness for all of us. Like we deserved it.

I burst into bittersweet tears.

Red had chosen to forget. He had probably done it for our sakes.

None of us deserved the chance to raise him again, or to see such innocence on his face, yet here he put his naïve, defenseless self in our hands once more, trusting us to do things right this time. Really, what a fool. A beautiful, wonderful, martyr.

"Hey, are you Mana?" he asked worriedly, coming closer to me. He wrapped himself around me, like I had done earlier to him. "Why are you crying?"

I held him close, heart breaking and swelling simultaneously.

"I am sorry," I sobbed, hoping after this I would not need to lie to him. "I am just so happy to see you are okay."

Well, I would ensure that from this day on, and every day from now on, he will be happy. To do right at last. To give him all that he deserves in this world.

::

Adam's POV

I awoke to the sounds of sobbing, and when I opened my eyes and turned to the origin of the sounds I found Allen across the room, wrapping himself around Mana. But the expression on his face—it did not belong to the person I knew from my trials. At once, I knew what he had chosen to do.

He saw me awake, and I could see his confusion. His gaze was asking me, What did I do wrong?

"You did nothing wrong," I answered, sitting up. I forced my tired body up, out of the bed, wanting to join them. At once, Mana twisted away from his son, forcing me back down. I did not resist, far too old for the process not to suck whatever energy I had out of me. Allen on the other hand…I imagine he feels quite refreshed.

"You should stay back," Mana told me, wiping his face. He looked at Allen, and gestured for him to take a seat at the foot of my bed. "You should sit down too…Allen."

Allen obeyed, sweet and innocent like a child. Oh, he was pure before, but now, I almost imagined him to be like a snowflake. Snowflakes in the miserable desert are so fragile and rare…but they are also so beautiful.

"Why is Mana sad?" Allen asked me.

"I am not sad," Mana protested, and this time he smiled a little more brightly than before. I am sure he felt as relieved as me to see Allen actually look his age. No…perhaps younger than his age.

"He is quite happy," I confirmed, though I felt the same bitter sadness that Mana did. Even more deeply, I think, since Allen and I shared our lives together and lived them as one. However…today is a new day. No one should mourn.

"Do happy people cry?" Allen asked.

"All parents feel sad when their children start to make decisions for themselves," I said simply. "But those parents are still happy. You…chose to forget us. It may hurt us, but we are happy that you made that decision for yourself. And we are confident it was the choice made for your benefit."

Allen did not seem to understand what I meant. He did not really no more than who his family is, after all. But to hear that he chose to forget us seemed to shock him, for his eyes widened and he looked quickly between me and Mana.

"I am sorry I chose to forget you, father," he said, looking earnest and lost, guilty for having made such a horrendous decision. "I know you probably do not like that I did that…but can you help me? I do not know what to do from here."

I saw Mana's eyes beginning to water again. He suddenly crushed Allen his arms.

"Never think that I will be upset at you for choosing to forget! I would never be angry with you for that!" he swore. "And it does not matter how lost you are, or how many times you ask me…I will always help you. Do you understand?"

"I do not deserve to have a father like you—"

Mana immediately hushed him, a new determination in his gaze. I knew it was a promise to never let things fall apart between them like they had before. He was going to work harder than he ever had before to raise Allen, and to keep him safe and happy, to raise him into an adult properly this time around.

"We will not say things like that. You deserve to have the best father possible, and I will do everything in my ability to give you that. No matter what you think you do or do not deserve, you better let me give you what I think you deserve, alright?" he asked. Allen looked so happy when he heard that, and he tightened his arms around Mana. He quietly acquiesced.

Hours passed, and eventually Mana led Allen out of the room, giving me privacy while he reintroduced Allen to the Noah family. In that time to myself, I wept the loss of my twin—and simultaneously rejoicing in the hope that he would find peace with himself. It is unfair that I am the one who has to bear the burden of two alone—so many horrible memories, so many shadows that I know once lived in Allen's eyes but no more now—but I am older, and my soul is older. It may not be battle worn, but it is mature enough to do what is necessary. And in a way, it gives me strength to know that Allen does not need to should this weight anymore.

With all that he had in his life before, I do not think he would ever have a chance at finding perfect happiness, I decided, the tears running down my face. He had been doomed from the start. At least now…he has a chance.

As the sun rose higher and higher in the sky, it touched the bed, the floor across the room. I saw it from the corner of my eye: a crumpled piece of paper. I knew what it was, and with a burning urge to know what was written in it, I forced my tired, worn, old body from the bed's comfortable hold. On unsteady legs I stumbled, using the desk's edge to guide myself. I carefully sat myself down on the floor next to the paper, and I reach out, scooping it up. With trembling hands, I unfolded the paper.

I had never seen the handwriting before, but I knew it as well as my own, and though scant in content, the words made my breath catch and heart twist in slight pain, and a sense of closure.

Your name is Allen.

Your father is Mana.

Your uncle is Neah.

The Noahs are your family.

You love everyone…so very much.

If Neah ask forgiveness, give it to him.

If Tyki kisses you, kiss him back.

Be happy.

You chose to forget everything because of love.

"You soft-hearted fool," I murmured, staring at the paper in my hands. I smiled. Well…Allen will always be pure. And so selfless. Who else would have the strength to forget all of those hard-earned, precious memories because he knew remembering others' betrayals will make him unable to trust anyone again? He had wanted to start over with them, and so he took a leap of faith. He chose to forget all that he knew, all that he held precious.

In his mind, I think he believed that giving up those few precious moments would give him the opportunity to gain something much better than before. I think he is right. Everyone will do their best to make sure his sacrifice was not in vain.

Allen…you have a second chance at life, I thought, smiling. I am a little jealous…well, do not waste it.