Author's Notes: Okay, last update for a little bit. Sorry, but I have 3 days to do pretty much all of my summer homework before soccer starts. I've introduced Grimbold into this chapter. He has like one ling in the movies, but actually has a part in the books.
Chapter 38:
Apparently, we were just a scouting party. Theoden said that it was a good idea to make sure that Edoras was undamaged before the women and children returned there. Grimbold accompanied us so that, if everything was okay, he could return to Helms Deep to take people back. Eomer's riders had been left with the task of making sure that everyone was there safely.
I was really tired and sore, so riding on a horse didn't feel particularly great. Especially not for the two hours that it took us to get there.
Soon Edoras came into view. I sighed, and smiled. Grimbold chuckled softly at me. Grimbold was actually pretty cool. I had decided that he was my new best friend now, seeing as everybody else no longer seemed to like me. "You seem relieved, Milady," he said. No matter how many times I asked him not to call me that, he said that it was impolite, and respectfully refused my request.
"I am," I said. "My ass is killing me." Grimbold winced. He didn't always agree with my choice of language, but he never actually said anything to be about it.
As we got closer to the gate, we saw… people standing there. "What the hell?" I said under my breath.
The people in question were two girls. One had pale blonde hair with sea foam green eyes, and the other had chestnut brown hair, and light pink eyes. As I looked at them, it suddenly hit me: they weren't girls; they were Mary-Sues. "Oh, shit."
We pulled the horses up when we reached the gate. "What business do you have in Edoras?" Eomer demanded, giving each of the Sues a foul look in turn.
Pink Eyes spoke first. "What business do you have in the realm of Queen Marsela?" she said, eyeing Aragorn with a small smile on her face. That did it. My worst fears had just been confirmed.
"Queen Marsela?" Boromir asked.
"Yes," Pink Eyes said, "Queen Marsela, ruler of Middle Earth."
"Oh, shut the fuck up," I growled, narrowing my eyes at her.
"Excuse me?" she said. She looked at me for a moment, then a wave of realization washed over her face. "You…" she said, staring at me in horror.
She suddenly turned, and started to run. I untangled my feet from my stirrups, and launched myself at her. I grabbed onto her shoulders, and in the next second, we were both on the ground. She screamed as I twisted her hand behind her back, and then sat on her. "Yeah, me," I said.
"Jana, what are you doing?" Aragorn yelped.
"Just trust me on this one," I grunted, trying to hold down the struggling Sue. "Do you remember that group of girls who wanted to kill me before?" I asked.
"Yes…" he said hesitantly.
"Well, I think we've just found them." I glanced over at the blonde Sue, and had to suppress a laugh. She was staring, mouth slightly open at Legolas. "Legolas, just stay right where you are," I said. "You're doing a very fine job of distracting the other." Gimli laughed, while Legolas's cheeks turned a slight shade of pink. "We need something to tie her up with," I said, "and probably something to gag her with, too."
Boromir reached into his saddle bag, and produced a blanket. He jumped off his horse, and ripped a strip of blanket off with his teeth. He quickly bound her hands with it. He ripped off another piece, and I stuffed it into her mouth.
"What should we do with the other one?" Eomer asked.
"Eh," I said, "I think if we just start walking, she'll follow us because of Legolas." The Elf scowled at me. "So, who wants to take her?" I asked, gesturing towards Pink Eyes. They all gave me look of disgust. I sighed. "Fine. We'll put her on my horse. Boromir, you wanna help me out here?" He boosted her up so she was draped over my horse sideways on her stomach.
I walked over to Grimbold's horse and climbed up behind him, while Boromir remounted his own. I grabbed the rains of my horse, and pulled it along side Grimbold's.
"You might want to told on, Milady," he said as we started moving, the blonde Sue following, just as I had predicted.
"I'm fine," I said.
"Now, I have just one question for you: what did you do to these girls to aggravate them so?"
I laughed. "It's a very long story," I grumbled. "To give you a brief overview, I wandered into their camp, beat-up their leader when we got to Rivendell, wandered back into their camp when we got to Rohan, apparently set their stuff on fire, and escaped with my life." He chuckled. "But I honestly can't see what I've done wrong," I said, my voice full of mock innocence.
We soon reached the palace, and dismounted our horses. Aragorn lifted Pink Eyes down from mine, and Eomer had a hold of the blonde by her shoulders.
"How many of them do you think there are?" Gambling asked me.
"Their whole camp, I'd say, which is probably 'bout thirty, unless they've figured over how to clone themselves." Gambling just stared at me. "To multiply," I clarified, shaking my head. "I don't know if they're armed or not."
"It's best that we be ready with weapons," Theoden said. "And if they are armed, then we are outnumbered."
I snorted. "They might be armed, but my best guess is that they can't fight for peanuts."
We slowly made out way up the steps, afraid of an ambush. But none came.
Grimbold and Gambling quietly walked over to the closed doors, and each grabbed hold of a handle. At Theoden's signal, they threw the doors open. Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Theoden, and I jumped into the hall, weapons raised.
"Well, well, well," said a silky voice. I looked to the end of the hall to see Blondie sitting sideways on Theoden's throne, her feet dangling over the side, and a small silver crown on her head. "Look what we have here." She smiled, her perfect, white teeth almost blinding.
"Okay, now you've just gone too far," I growled. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
There was a chorus of small gasps throughout the room, and I noticed that about twenty Mary-Sues had gathered around. "That's no way to talk to Queen Marsela!" a purple-haired Sue said, stepping in front of me.
"Oh, yeah?" I said, cocking my head at her.
"Yes," she said fiercely. "Queen Marsela demands more respect."
I flashed the Sue a quick smile, then socked her a good one in the face that sent her flying backwards.
"Jana!" Gandalf warned sharply. I was seriously not in the mood for lectures right now.
"Queen Marsela?" I said mockingly. "More like 'Queen-head-up-your-ass!'" Blondie's face turned bright red.
"How did you get into my palace?" she demanded.
"Your palace?" Eomer growled.
"Yeah, if you haven't noticed, King Theoden kinda lives here," I said. "But, if you must know, we tackled one of your guards, tied her up and gagged her, and we didn't even bother with the other one, because she's done nothing but stare at Legolas ever since we got here."
Aragorn and Eomer pushed the two Sues forward. Pink Eyes fell over, and the blonde turned around and continued to gaze at Legolas.
Blondie let out a low growl. "You're outnumbered," she said. "We could easily overpower you in a fight."
"I don't see any weapons," I laughed. She blushed again.
"Where is the traitor Lilith?" a Sue with pale red hair asked from the crowd. "We saw her take off with you."
I could feel the blood drain from my face. "Dead," I said, looking at the floor.
Blondie started to laugh. "Serves her right," she sneered.
I suddenly felt unexplainable anger boil up inside of me. I started forward. I suppose that I didn't have a very good reason for killing Blondie, but that was all I could think about. Grimbold grabbed both of my arms then, and pulled me back. "Don't do anything rash," he said quietly.
"Why are you here?" Aragorn said, his voice peaceful.
"Why are you here?" Blondie echoed in a snooty, mocking voice. "This is my kingdom now," she hissed.
"Well, last I checked, this place was called 'Rohan', not 'Bitchville'," I snapped. I tried to pull away from Grimbold, but the man tightened his grip.
Apparently, that last comment sent Blondie over the edge. She jumped up, and started walking towards us. Legolas, Eomer, and Gambling stepped protectively in front of me, Aragorn and Gimli took the sides, and Boromir, Theoden, and Gandalf cover the rear, forming a circle around Grimbold and me.
"You should be dead!" she growled as she approached. "I should have killed you when I met you! I should have known that you would ruin my story!" The rest of the Sues followed suit behind her, forming a mass that reminded me of a swarm of angry bees.
"Why the hell does everybody say that I ruin their stories?" I said. "What did I ever do to anyone?"
Aragorn put a hand over my mouth to silence me. "Hush," he whispered, staring at the on-coming Sues.
As Blondie drew closer, the Men and Gandalf drew their swords, Legolas his knives, and Gimli his axe. We weren't going down without a fight. Blondie stopped about a foot away from the swords. "This is my story now," she hissed. "I take over from here."
"Muck boff," I said through Aragorn's hand. Blondie stared at me while Aragorn removed his hand. "Fuck off."
"What?" she said, seeming to swell up with anger as the seconds passed. "What did you just say to me?"
"You heard me," I said simply. "Fuck off."
Her face was bright red now. "How dare you say that to me!" she said.
"How dare I do a lot of things," I said, "but it never stops me from doing them anyway."
"Is there anything we can offer you to stop this madness?" Gandalf asked.
Blondie stared at me for a moment, and I could tell she was thinking. "Okay," she said after a long pause. "We'll leave. But only if you comply to our terms."
"What are they?" Theoden asked, giving Blondie a long, scrutinizing glare.
"Give us the Elf and the Ranger," she said. I could see Legolas tense in front of me. "And, oh, what's his name… Faramir!"
"What do you want with my brother?" Boromir growled.
"I haven't figured that out yet," Blondie sneered. "And hand over Jana, too."
"For how long?" Aragorn asked, his voice uneasy.
"A period of time," Blondie said lightly.
"Can we expect all of them back unharmed?" Gandalf said.
"Yes," Blondie purred. "All except Jana. You won't be seeing her again, I'm afraid." She gave a small, cold laugh.
Grimbold tightened his hold on me again. "Your terms are absurd!" he said, narrowing his eyes at Blondie.
"Grimbold is right; we will not surrender anyone to take back something that is rightfully ours," Theoden said. "We will not accept your offer."
Blondie glared at us. Then, without warning, she lunged. In the shock of the moment, Legolas, Eomer, and Gambling scrambled out of the way, and Grimbold let go of my arms. She was coming right at me, and I was ready for her. As she came flying towards me, I balled my fist, and took a good swing at her face. I yelled in pain as I made contact. Blondie had a pretty hard head.
She screamed as she fell to the floor. I cradled my wounded had against my chest. "Fuck-monkey, that hurt," I said. Grimbold and Boromir were instinctively at my side within a few seconds, and Gambling had hauled Blondie to her feet, and was holding her arms behind her back.
"I'll get you for this!" she screamed.
"Yeah, sure," I said. "I've heard that one before."
"What should we do with them?" Boromir said.
I scowled at Blondie. "Kill them," I said.
"No," Aragorn said, shooting me a look. "That is out of the question."
"Why?" I said. "They're useless."
"But what would killing them accomplish?" Grimbold said.
"I don't know!" I said. "Okay, so maybe killing them all is a little extreme. But she needs to die!" I pointed by finger at Blondie. "The rest we can just imprison."
"What crimes have them committed?" Theoden demanded.
"Existence," Gambling said, smirking at me.
I scowled at him. "Not funny," I said. "I was being stupid then. You have to learn not to take me seriously ninety percent of the time." I paused. "Okay, maybe ninety-five."
"Imprisonment seems a bit harsh," Legolas said.
"But what are we supposed to do with them?" I said. "All they're going to do is mope around and wait for Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet."
"Prince Charming?" Gimli grunted.
"A.k.a: Aragorn, Legolas, Faramir, and any other relatively attractive guy," I sighed. "No offence to anyone that I didn't say," I said quickly, looking at Boromir and Eomer.
"Or to anyone that you did say," Legolas said dryly. His body had stiffened, and he was staring at the wall.
"Oh, right, sorry," I said. "I didn't mean-"
"Yes," he said curtly. I shrugged.
"I suppose we could just let them go," Theoden said. We all looked at each other, and couldn't find any objections to this idea. He turned to look at the Sues, who were all staring at us. "You may be free of your leader," he said. There was a wave of murmurs throughout the crowd. "You may remain in Rohan if you wish, as ling as you cause no more trouble." The Sues nodded in agreement.
"Well, that was easy," I said.
"But what about her?" Gambling asked, shoving Blondie forward. She whimpered. Her face was white, and she looked to be on the verge of tears.
Theoden was silent for a moment. "Bring her back to Helms Deep," he said, looking at Grimbold. "Lock her in the caves."
"Yes, Milord," Grimbold said, bowing his head.
"Good man," Theoden said, putting a hand on Grimbold's shoulder.
111
A little while later, all of us were outside the palace, readying our horses. Grimbold was preparing to ride back to Helms Deep with a bound and gagged Blondie slung over the back of his saddle. The rest of us were preparing to ride through Fangorn, and then onto Isengard.
"Safe trip," I told Grimbold, patting him on the arm.
"And the same to you, Milady," he said with a smile. He turned to Theoden. "I'll see to it that the women and the children make the journey back safely, Milord." Theoden nodded his head. "And I'll see to it that she's thrown in the caves before anything else." He jerked his thumb in the direction of his horse, where Blondie was.
I walked over to Blondie, and looked up at her. She glowered at me from her position on the horse, and grumbled something incoherent through her gag. "I'll see you in hell," I said, then turned back, and walked away.