Disclaimer: I don't own ME.

The mood on the Normandy was a bad one. Their success on Virmire was costly and everyone knew that. The salarian part of the strike team had dwindled to a ridiculous number. And worse, only one of their deceased comrades had been brought with them. The rest had remained on the surface. And now, after the nuke had been set off, nothing was left of them to bring to Sur'Kesh. And there just wasn't anything worse for a soldier or a marine then to watch your comrade's empty coffin buying buried.

The depression, however, ran even deeper. Three members of the crew lay in the infirmary, two of them unconscious and no one could say if they'd ever wake up. Not even Joker managed to crack a jest or two. The sight of an empty co-pilot's seat next to him affected him more then he would ever admit. And the journey to the Citadel was long.

Minutes dragged on slowly, each second agonizing. Maya sat with her back to the watch in the mess hall, but the second hand clicked so loud it was like a beating on a drum in the silent ship. Usually, people were roaming through the second desk after their shift had ended, but today they skipped their usual free-time activities in a silent respect for the wounded.

Uneven, heavy steps rang through the silence, breaking it violently. The pace gave away who exactly was walking down the stairs even before Joker blinked into the bright light in the mess. He seemed to take a pause at seeing his Commander there, but recovered quickly and resumed his journey. "I didn't expect to see you here," he said, his voice lacking his usual cheerful tone. He looked like he'd just woken up. There was a shape suspiciously like the peak of his cap imprinted on his face.

"I didn't expect to end up here," she responded in flat voice, turning her head over shoulder. It was an hour ago she last checked the time, yet only ten minutes had elapsed. As she did so, she unwittingly gave Joker a great view of the bruise on her neck. Purple three-fingered hand against her skin. He no longer wondered why she couldn't have spoken properly right after they left Virmire.

"Right…" Joker mused and went to make himself a cup of coffee. He'd heard about what happened on Virmire…or rather he had read the report Shepard had asked him to send to the Council. With the steaming cup in his hands he made his way to sit across the table from his Commander. For a minute they sat in a companionable silence. Him slurping the hot liquid, her staring nowhere in particular. She'd been thrown off balance and didn't even bother to hide it anymore. Everyone knew – or at least thought they knew – what an emotional storm was roaring inside her. She'd spent at least an hour locked in her cabin with her brother, but her duty had forced her out. She'd kept on a brave face, acting like nothing had happened throughout her shift, but the crew simply knew better. Now she just looked miserable.

Joker's shoulders dropped when he realized hat. The person in front of him wasn't his Commander. She wasn't the strong, stubborn leader everyone looked up to. This wasn't the façade she'd imposed on herself and held it up for so long. This was just a woman like the next one, worried over someone she deeply cared about. There wasn't anything radiant about her anymore, anything even slightly heroic as if the Commander Shepard was just a piece of clothes she'd simply taken off for today.

She was just a human and Joker would never blame her for that. "Don't you want some?" he finally asked, gesturing towards his coffee.

"No, thank you," she chimed, her usually strong and firm voice sounded tired and weak this time. Her eyes flicked to the side, focusing on the wall the mess shared with the infirmary, then back to the table between them.

"Commander?" Joker almost whispered. Suddenly it felt appropriate to talk quietly. Her troubled eyes found him and he hesitated. Why was it she let him see her this way? Did she trust him so much? Maybe she just didn't care anymore. All at once he wasn't sure what to say. "Fifty minutes."

She nodded.

"Eh…you…have you been here all the time?" he asked.

"No," she shook her head. "I was inside," she pointed at the infirmary, "until Chakwas kicked me out to get some sleep. She gave me pills, but I just couldn't…" she took a deep breath, "I was hoping…"

"He'd wake up?" There was no need to pretend he didn't know what disconcerted her so much.

"Yes," she admitted and then gave a sad smile. "Wishful thinking on my part."

There was a pause.

"I was talking to him the whole time. They say unconscious people can hear it. I got even a few replies…from Tali," she stated. "She still has the fever though," she changed the topic. "But Liara is sure she's going to make a full recovery in due time."

"Sounds like something Liara would say," Joker nodded, warming his hands against the cup. He waited for her to start speaking again, but when she didn't, he took a breath. "Are you going to see the Council on the Citadel? After you hang up on them…" Now he looked a little bit like his usual self as he remembered the moment when she ordered him to close the connection. He would give anything to see the Councillor's faces at the moment.

"It was rude, wasn't it?" she asked. She didn't sound like she was actually bothered by it. Frankly, she couldn't care less what the Council thought of it.

"I think it was deserved."

She smiled then. Genuinely. Very softly, but it was a smile. "You'd say it even if I called them all morons."

"Of course. You're my Commander. I will back you up no matter what. You'd do the same," he shrugged, gesturing towards her. "And honestly…you're the best CO I've ever had. And a lot of people agree with me, Shepard." Joker blinked, surprised at how easy it was to call her by her name. Not that he hadn't addressed her as Shepard before. He had, but never to her face.

"After something over two weeks you can tell that?" she wondered.

"I'm a good judge of character," Joker shrugged.

"And you love to make little children smile," she replied.

The chuckled and nodded. "That's how I got my name." They both knew it wasn't true.

"A flawless pilot, a good judge of character and has a sense of humour," Maya mumbled. "They should gild you and put you somewhere on display for the whole galaxy to see."

"No way," Joker shook his head. He felt better now that she started to joke. Maybe she wasn't all that miserable after all. "I joined the Alliance to fly. The minute they take away my ship, I'm done with them."

Maya seemed taken aback by his statement. She wrinkled her brow and just stared at him for a second. "You'd leave?" she asked finally. She straightened a little when he nodded. "But what if they'd be right about grounding you?" She made a face after that, waving a hand in a dismissal gesture. "No, that came out wrong. I wanted to say, what if you get hurt or your disease gets worse? Or…what if something happens, not your fault, that would make it impossible for them to let you fly?"

"I don't think there's anything that could stop me from flying a ship, Commander. Especially as fine as this baby," he patted the table. "Only the brass, of course. And like I said, if they do - I quit," he said in a serious voice.

"Let's hope it never happens. Otherwise it'd be a great loss for the Alliance."

"Yeah, but they would have only themselves to blame," he shrugged and for a second turned attention back to his coffee. He took a sip, and then drank more when it no longer burnt his tongue.

Maya took the minute of silence to look over her shoulder again. Joker frowned a little, his eyes drawn by the bruise once again. When she turned back, he wasn't quick enough to avert his gaze and she lifted her eyebrows at him in a silent question.

"It was rough down there, huh?"

"It seemed far too easy most of the time. I should have known it couldn't last," she added in a carefully neutral tone. "I keep telling myself it wouldn't make any difference, but some part of me still thinks I should have listened to Liara."

"Liara? What did she say?" Joker asked, confused. This was new to him.

"The second beacon," she replied. Her hand made a few small circles in the air. "I used it and drawn Sovereign's attention our way. Without it, I doubt the geth would have attacked the bombsite, so at least Ashley and Tali would be fine."

"You can't know that, Commander."

"I know. Like I said. I keep telling myself the same thing," she mused and looked away from him. She was glowering at the floor, her bent fingers touching her lips. "What ifs…" she mumbled into them. What if she'd noticed the silence on the radio sooner? She could have sent reinforcements to the salarian teams and maybe even prevent Kaidan from getting hurt. What if she'd insisted on the very beginning to send her own men with Kirrahe's? Wrex, Liara for their biotics and Tali for her technician skills. Hell, Tali on her own, with her hacking skills, would have been a tremendous help with the geth! That would, of course, leave only Ashley and Garrus to accompany Maya to Saren's facility, but she was more then sure they would have pulled it off.

Maya took a deep breath and slowly opened her fist. She didn't even notice clutching it so tightly. Suddenly all those what ifs started pushing themselves into her mind, strengthening the feeling of guilt that was already blossoming in her. She could have made it differently. She should have. She fucking should have!

She rose to her feet slowly, aware of Joker's eyes on her. "Thank you for the chat, Joker," she sent him a strained smile. "I…" she trailed off, not really sure what to say.

"…should go?" the pilot helped her.

"Yes," she mouthed. "Fifty minutes you said?"

"Make it forty five now."

She nodded. "See you around," she whispered and left him sitting at the table alone. She approached the infirmary door and opened it. Chakwas was still up. She wanted to be near her patients in a case something gone horribly wrong with them. She doubted she'd have means to actually save them if it happened, but she would definitely try her best, using whatever she had.

"Commander?" she said, sounding mildly reproachful. "I recommended you…"

"Chakwas, I need to be here," she cut her off, making a few steps forward. "I know I can't do anything for them now, but I at least want to be here with them…" she whispered, her eyes trailing over her two wounded comrades and… "With him," she specified, dropping her eyes for a moment.

Chakwas held her gaze when she looked up again, then nodded once and moved to bring her seat to Kaidan's bed. "Talk to him again. It can help," she said softly.

"You really think my voice would help him?" Maya asked, approaching the seat.

Chakwas smiled. "Maybe. But now I was talking about you, Commander."

…

The Council Tower was full of people going on their everyday business. Ambassadors and politicians took strolls under the pink trees, talking with each other. Their voices, as quiet as they were, got mixed into a loud unpleasant hum. It was everywhere and there just was no way to escape it.

Not many paid any attention to a lone soldier walking up the grand stairs towards the platform at the very top of the Tower. The large holograms that should be floating in the air somewhere between the platform and the seat of the Council were shut off at the moment, indicating the Council was elsewhere. Shepard stopped and looked around briefly. She'd asked them for a meeting and since the reply was positive she was sure they had to be somewhere around.

Finally, she spotted the tree figures standing not far from their notional throne. Under the beautiful trees they seemed to be involved into a serious debate. When the turian Councillor noticed her, he straightened and clasped his hands behind his back.

Unwittingly, Maya raised her hand to her neck. She knew the enviro-suit covered that area of her body as well, but seeing Sparatus like this simply reminded her too vividly of the last encounter with a member of his race. Saren's hand was still imprinted on her neck, turning a dark shade of blue now.

Tevos turned over her shoulder to look at whoever had caught Sparatus' attention. She spun and joined her hands in front of her body, patiently waiting for her to arrive. Valern blinked at her and shifted his weight. Maya was sure he'd already been informed by Kirrahe about the mission. Not to mention they all had time to read her report.

"Commander," Tevos greeted Shepard with a soft smile, her expression was relaxed. "It's nice to see you in person again."

"Likewise, Councillor," Maya nodded. She wasn't really sure what to make of it all. She'd expected being lambasted by them for her behaviour. She'd told them she'd sent them the report and if they wanted any information they should read it. And she had meant it. She'd had little time and patience for them at the moment.

"We understood the mission on Virmire was a success," Valern said quickly, turning his head from one side, then the other. Even Sparatus nodded, looking pleased.

"Yes, Councillors. The facility has been destroyed and Saren's krogan army dispersed," Maya drawled.

"That's good news, Commander," Sparatus commented, briefly touching his chin.

"Is that it?" Maya asked slowly when the turian didn't add anything else. "Isn't there anything else you would like to discuss?"

Tevos smiled again. "Are you referring to our previous discussion, Commander? If so…"

"No," Shepard cut her off, making a step closer. "I'm talking about Sovereign."

"Ah…Sovereign, yes," Valern nodded twice. "We saw a mention of Saren's ship in your report connected to the mythical race of the Reapers."

"With all due respect, you're mistaken. The race isn't mythical at all. Sovereign is a Reaper who wiped out Protheans. And we're next! I've talked to it and it even called itself the vanguard of our destruction," she said, trying to stay calm. It seemed like the Council simply ignored the part of her report where she specifically mentioned her discussion with the Reaper.

"You…talked…to the ship," Sparatus said, his voice was as usually full of doubts. "I assume it was only you speaking to it?" he asked, making air quotes. "Just like it was just you seeing those visions?"

"Yes, I talked to the ship, because it is no ordinary ship, like I'm trying to explain here. And…no, I wasn't alone," she shook her head, narrowing her eyes at the turian. "Dr. Liara T'Soni was present as well. She can confirm it," she turned her head to Tevos. The asari had a worried expression plastered on her face. Maya got the feeling like Tevos was convinced she was watching a lunatic she pittied.

The asari shook her head. "I'm afraid Matriarch Benezia's daughter doesn't have the credibility to be trusted at this moment, Commander."

"Why not? Because her mother joined the bad guy? Liara is now part of my crew, Councillors, and she has done everything in her power to help us so far. I trust her. And I can vouch for her."

"Let's put it simply, Commander. We need someone else to testify such an incredible event than you or Dr. T'Soni," Valern stepped in.

"All right," Shepard took a breath. "I'll pretend for now I don't feel insulted by this mistrust in my person. If you don't believe my words, try to talk to one of your own men. Captain Kirrahe. He was there when we were attacked by Saren who admitted that Sovereign is a Reaper."

"Misinformation is not an uncommon way of fighting, Commander," Sparatus waved his hand dismissively. "You of all people should understand that Saren was intentionally using false information to throw you off balance."

May shook her head. "Please, Councillors. I tried to warn you about Saren being a traitor. You didn't trust me, but I proved to be right. Do not repeat the same mistake now."

"Then bring us the proof," Valern started saying.

"Anything, that can confirm what you're saying, Commander," Tevos continued, creating an illusion of a well-rehearsed performance. Like always. It just seemed like the Council was once again a step ahead of Shepard, knowing what she was about to say before she did.

"Something other than visions. Something plausible, and we'll believe you. As long as these Reapers are just an unsupported product of your imagination, there's little we can and will do," Sparatus finished, paying her a stern gaze.

She knew she couldn't, but Shepard suddenly felt a very strong urge to clap. By sending them the report she only gave them the chance to prepare a reply for each argument she could use. Yes, when she looked at it from their perspective, they had little reason to believe her. She didn't have any proofs, just like they said. It didn't stop the bitterness she felt from spreading like a poisonous wave through her body.

Swallowing hundreds of remarks, she nodded. She wouldn't get any help here. Not now anyway. "I understand. If you excuse me now, I need to check up on my men now…and then travel to Noveria."

"Of course, Commander," Tevos replied gently. "Good luck. From all of us."

"Yeah…I've got this feeling it will be needed," Shepard hissed and turned around.

…

The Huerta memorial hospital was number one in medical care on the Citadel. People employed there were experts at whatever they were doing and if you weren't a Council's Spectre, you'd have to pay quite a bill for the treatment.

That was why the clientele was also of a better class. Definitely Presidium citizens. Walking among them in black armour, carrying a rifle and a pistol, Maya just felt out of place. She'd caught a glimpse of herself in the glass wall of the entrance hall; it was already dark outside and with the hospital lit so much the glass had turned into a mirror. Even though she took great care of her armour, she just didn't fit in here, where everything was so fancy. She also noticed people were staring as she strode down the central corridor. She tried to ignore it, blaming it on their curiosity what an armed soldier is doing here, when she approached the reception. An asari sat behind the desk and she smiled hesitantly at Shepard. "How may I help you?" she asked in a pleasant voice.

"I'd like to speak to a doctor, or doctors, treating Ashley Williams, Kaidan Alenko and Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. They were brought about three hours ago," she specified in case the asari could remember.

"Are you a family?" the asari asked automatically. She turned to her computer and started typing. Of course she wouldn't remember. She'd probably seen dozens of other patients in the meantime.

"I'm their CO."

The asari blinked and turned her violet eyes back at Shepard. "CO?" she repeated. A soft smile saying I-have-absolutely-no-idea-what-you-are-talking-about was spreading across her lips. If it was an attempt to placate Maya, it didn't work.

She closed her eyes briefly. "Commanding officer," she explained impatiently. "They're part of my crew."

The smiled changed. Now it was more like no-way-now-leave. She lifted her hands off the keyboard and laid them on the desk in front of her, lacing her fingers. "Well, I'm afraid I can't help you then," she said in a polite tone.

Maya sighed and rolled her eyes. She kept them focused on the ceiling for a moment. Just once…please, just once I'd like people to simply cooperate… she thought and out loud she added: "Okay…how about this one. I'm Commander Shepard, the Alliance Special Forces and now also Special Tactics and Reconnaissance? Yes, the first human Spectre. Who are the doctors and where can I find them?"

The asari just gaped at her for a second, and then seemed to collect herself. "Oh! I'm sorry, Commander, I didn't recognize you," she blurted out. She resumed searching her computer. "Oh…that's weird. Dr. Tezcan was their first doctor, but she requested them to be moved into Dr. Linan's care…" the asari paused. "But he's not here anymore. Dr. Tezcan, on the other hand, should still be here somewhere. Go over to that section," she pointed her arm to the right, "and up the stairs one level. There you should find her."

"Dr. Tejan. Okay. Thank you," Maya smiled at the asari and quickly left the reception. She followed her instruction, but when she climbed the stairs, she stood in a middle of the corridor, looking left and right cluelessly.

She shrugged and turned left. This part of the hospital wasn't as crowded as the previous level, maybe because it was already night here and visiting hours had ended long ago. She finally had luck when a woman in long white coat, a doctor obviously, left one of the rooms. She looked strangely troubled as she looked at the door after she closed it.

"Excuse me?" Maya approached her. "I'm looking for a doctor Tejan. She should be…ah…somewhere around here. Do you know where I can find her?"

The brunette in front of her flashed her broad smile, but her eyes still looked sad. "Well, you're lucky, Commander. You found her."

Maya blinked and turned her head to one side slightly. She narrowed her eyes and they slid to the nametag on her cloak.

R. Tezcan.

"Oh…foreign name," she mumbled, before she smiled, looking back up at the doctor. She was still smiling patiently. The smile lit her face, framed by long auburn hair. Her skin was bronze like she'd just returned from a vacation and her large, honey brown eyes shone like stars. She looked exotic, just like her name implied. She was delicate, beautiful and also vaguely familiar.

"I'm sorry…do I know you?" Maya asked, feeling confused.

The doctor looked taken aback for a second. "I'm surprised you'd remember. We met just briefly and many years ago. You were just a Lieutenant back then. I was on my internship on Elysium during the Blitz. Bad timing," she shrugged with a smile. "I was taking care of your friend, Commander Christopher Keith." If she was anything, she was apparently very good with names.

"Rachel?" Maya mumbled. "He spoke about some doctor, Rachel, keeping him informed about the battle."

"Yes, that was me. You have a good memory, Commander."

Maya shook he head. "Eh…no, not really, but that was an unforgettable day."

"Yes, I understand. I, too, have a few days I cannot forget even if I wanted…" she said softly, something sad crawling back into her eyes. It was gone almost instantly and she was smiling again. "But who doesn't, right? Anyway, I believe you didn't come to chat with me, Commander. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Actually, yes. A few hours ago three of my crewmembers were brought in, severely wounded, and no one was able to tell me anything. So I was wondering if you were any wiser now and the asari at the desk down there," she pointed her finger over her shoulder, "said you could help me."

"Of course I can, Commander. Who are they?"

"Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Ashley Williams and Kaidan Alenko." She waited for the doctor to say anything. She didn't however. Instead, the smile froze on her lips and her eyes widened after Shepard finished listing the names. A chill went down her spine even though the doctor hastily put the smile back on. "Is something wrong with them?" Maya asked quietly.

"Ah, no, don't worry. I'm sorry I scared you. No, they are faring very well and I dare to say they'll be fit within a week. I've…" she paused, looking over her shoulder at the door to the room she'd been in. "I mean…I'm no longer their doctor, now that their condition has improved, but I've actually just finished doing ward rounds. Ka…Mr. Alenko is right over there," she pointed at the door, "and Ms. Williams and Ms. Rayya are over there," she pointed at other door a little down the corridor. "You can also visit them if you want. But I need to warn you that they have been given strong sedatives to ease the pain so their reactions are rather peculiar," she smiled ran her hands through her hair. Suddenly she seemed a little edgy.

Normally Maya would be curious why, but now she didn't care. "So…they're awake? A-all of them?"

"Yes. They all are in a good shape and were lucky enough to respond very quickly to the treatment. Also your field medic did a great job with them, probably it was him – or her – that really saved your soldiers' lives," she said seriously. "And he fact you brought them so quickly," she added. "If you excuse me now, I have other patients to check on," she sent the Commander a last nervous smile and quickly disappeared in the closest door. And Maya let the doctor slip her mind almost immediately when he approach the door hiding Kaidan.

He was facing the other side of the room when she walked in. He moved his head at the sound of the door, immediately blurting out one word that positively screwed Maya to the floor on the spot where she stood. "Rahna?"

To be continued. Phew, I didn't think I'd finish the chapter. Had this ugly writer's block the whole week and with so little free time it was simply almost impossible for me to write anything. Hopefully it will get better.

Ruathred – Hey, thank you for the fave. I would have contacted you much earlier, but your PM are disabled. Anyway, I'm glad you like the story

And just a little comment on Rachel's name – Tezcan. It has quite a different pronunciation which I tried to show you in a way Maya spoke the name. Like I've already told you, I'm not a native speaker so I have no idea if I succeeded in it (I'm not even sure I understood the pronunciation in the first place), but I tried. So no, the momentary change of her surname wasn't a mistake, it was intentional.

I'd like to thank you all for reading and supporting me and wish you all a very nice day and a lot of strength for Monday ;)