Author's note: Soooooooo sorry for the ridiculous delay on this chapter. I've had the worst writer's block when it came to this chapter. I've written and rewritten so many bits it's not even funny. I hope you haven't all wandered off and lost interest at this stage. Thanks as always to my lovely reviewers (Zoe-eoZ, FrankElza, Pembie, and Braxton54), I really really appreciate the continued support!

Hope you like this chapter, I'm very nervous about it! (Thought it was better than nothing though!)

Chapter 38

Brax gave a heavy sigh and shook his head. Kyle had been giving him the silent treatment for the last while, so they'd been sitting here for well over half an hour in almost total silence, and truth be told, he was quickly losing patience… Okay, so maybe the 'silent treatment' wasn't the right word for it. Kyle was just being very quiet. He was sitting there now with a stack of photos in his hand, just staring down at them, one knee jittering up and down.

Brax had tried getting him to talk by telling him about Ricky and Casey, but even that hadn't worked. He'd told him all about Ricky working freelance, under a false identity of course, and picking up work where she could as a wedding photographer. How Casey was walking and talking now, and keeping them both on their toes with his mischievousness. How he'd managed to get a job working as a farmhand. It wasn't well paid, but it was something. He said they were happy… or as happy as people could be when they were constantly looking over their shoulders. Being on the run wasn't fun, but so far, they were doing okay. They had a roof over their heads and they were making enough money to get by. They didn't have a lot of friends, but that was okay. The few that they did have were good people. They were surviving.

He'd expected Kyle to ask a lot more questions, and to push to know where they were living now, but he just seemed very shut down. As though something had thrown up a barrier between him and the real world. Like he was numb. Was it the medication he was on?

"Kyle?" he said, tapping the younger man on his jittering knee, "You know I'm gonna have to leave soon? You just gonna sit there and ignore me?"

Kyle gave a little snort and looked up at him. "I'm not ignoring you" he said, "I just… I don't have much to say to you…" He gave a little shrug. "I mean… Brax, you walked out of my life nearly 2 years ago, and you made it pretty clear that you don't trust me… so I really don't get what you're doing here. I didn't matter to you when you thought I was your brother, why would I matter now?"

"Kyle!" he groaned, "Can you stop with the bullshit?! You know I care about you."

"Really?!" snapped Kyle, "Because I'm just telling the truth… What was it you said before? I wasn't really Casey's brother, so I didn't have a right to be upset when he died?"

He knew he was being petty, but right now he wanted to hurt the man's feelings. He needed to let some of his anger out.

"You said I didn't have the right to grieve, that I didn't get to be sad when Casey died because I wasn't his blood… Well, I'm not your blood now either, so why the hell would you give a shit about me?! What the fuck are you even doing here?!"

"Mate, I was grieving" sighed Brax, his cheeks reddening a little out of guilt, "I was just lashing out… kicking out at anyone that didn't get out of the way fast enough. I wasn't in a good place… Kyle, you know I didn't mean that - you know that!"

Kyle snorted in disdain. He knew Brax had meant it alright. He'd never really seen him as a brother in the same way as he had Casey and Heath. As it turned out he'd been right not to. They really weren't blood! Maybe somehow, subconsciously, Brax had actually sensed it?

"I just…" sighed Brax, "I was angry at myself… Case had just died and I… I guess I blamed myself." He rubbed the back of his neck a little anxiously. "If I'm honest, I still do… Case would still be here if it wasn't for me… and there's nothing I can do to change that. I just have to live with it…Like a lot of other things in my life… But, mate, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. You didn't deserve it and I never meant to hurt you."

"It doesn't matter" said Kyle, giving a defeated sort of shrug. It wasn't true. Brax would never understand how much those words had wounded him, but what was the point in dredging all that stuff up now? Not now that they knew that they weren't even related?! "You don't owe me anything" he added.

"Mate, it does matter" said Brax, "I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks… And I think I owe you a hell of a lot."

Kyle gave a bitter little smirk. What was Brax even talking about?!

"You looked after Ric when I couldn't" he elaborated, his voice a little more emotional than usual, "You took care of her when she was pregnant, and you were there for her when I couldn't be. I mean, I don't know how she would have gotten through it without you… You know she loves you… So does Case."

He glanced sideways at Brax. He could see the man was sincere but he still found it hard to take. His tough 'big brother' had never been very forthcoming with compliments before. What had changed now? Was it because he was to be pitied? Was it because he felt sorry for him?

"I've said and done a lot of things over the years that I'm not proud of…" said Brax.

"Join the club" said Kyle, with a bitter little laugh. He didn't want to think about the things that he wasn't proud of.

Brax gazed at him for a moment, seeming to read his mind, and then looked down at the floor. He hated to think of the things Kyle had been through. "Mate" he said quietly, "I'm… I'm so sorry…"

Kyle looked up, cringing at the fact that Brax already knew the sordid details of his childhood. Their eyes met for a moment but he had to look away. He felt ashamed. He couldn't stand to see the pity in the other man's eyes. To see that look that said he was something damaged and to be handled with kid gloves. It made his skin crawl. This was exactly what he hadn't wanted to happen!

"I'm so sorry all this shit happened to you" said Brax, "I wish you could have told me about it…"

Kyle scoffed at that.

As though he could ever have sat down with the boys and told them about being abused! About being raped… When?! At a barbecue? Or when they sat down together to watch the footie? Or on a night out maybe? Or perhaps over breakfast cereal in the morning?! When would have been a good time to bring it up?! And how would a conversation like that have gone anyway? "By the way, boys, I spent most of my early childhood locked in a basement, and while you guys were learning how to surf, I was making porn." He could almost see the shocked and disgusted looks on their faces, mouths hanging open, with half-chewed cereal…

And what would have been the point?! To have them look at him like Brax was doing now? To have them pity him for being too weak to stop it? To stir up all sorts of painful questions that he still wasn't ready to deal with? To make them think that he was gay? No good would have come of it. None whatsoever!

It wasn't like they'd ever had a sharing and caring kind of relationship, especially in the early days. Especially after what he'd done to Casey.

Things might have changed now. They'd all matured a lot, but back then?! They might have even laughed at him!

"I wish you would have trusted me" said Brax, a look of genuine sorrow on his face.

"Yeah, because you've dealt with this whole thing sooo well!" replied Kyle in a sarcastic tone of voice, "You couldn't even call me when you found out about this… You sent Heath to do your dirty work instead…"

"Mate… I…" Brax began to answer, "It wasn't like that…"

"Why didn't you call me then?" asked Kyle, "Was I really worth so little to you?"

"It wasn't about you!" blurted Brax, "It was about me… okay?!"

Kyle gave a snort and shook his head in exasperation. How had his being abused as a child somehow become about Brax?! How selfish was this man?!

"About you?!" he sneered, "How is any of this about you?!"

Brax gave a heavy sigh and shook his head. He seemed to be fighting with himself as though he wanted to say something but he couldn't find the words. He began rubbing the back of his neck, something he always did when he was anxious.

"I um…" he said, staring at his feet as his whole face flushed red, "This whole thing… it uh… it brought some stuff up for me… some stuff I guess I've never really dealt with… It kind of messed me up a bit…"

"What are you talking about?" asked Kyle, his voice losing some of its defensiveness. Even through his anger, he could see that Brax was shaking. There was a vulnerability there that he'd never seen before. It kind of threw him a little.

Brax gave a tight little grimace, glancing up at him for a moment, before looking at his feet again. He was clearly finding this difficult. Even just maintaining eye contact seemed to be a challenge right now. Something Kyle was more than familiar with.

"I needed to get my head around some stuff" he admitted, his voice beginning to shake a little, "I… I needed to learn how to… to t-talk about something… something I've buried my whole life…"

Kyle couldn't help noticing that Brax's hands were shaking. The man must have noticed too, because he suddenly stuck them between his knees in an attempt to hide them. His whole body seemed tense.

"I kind of spun out for a few weeks…" said Brax, "Ric's been helping me…"

"I don't understand…?" Kyle started to say but Brax interrupted him.

"I was nine" he blurted out, his voice shaking badly, "D-dad was in prison… He did 2 years for GBH that time… Mum st-started seeing this creep… everyone called him Chook… He was a long-distance truck driver, I think… but I never found out his real name."

The words were coming out in short little bursts like each little admission was catching in his throat and causing him physical pain. Kyle couldn't help being shocked. The only other times he'd heard him talk like this was when Casey died, or when he'd admitted killing Johnny Barrett. Was Brax telling him what he thought he was telling him?!

"They were drunk all the time" continued Brax, swiping angrily at a tear that was rolling down his cheek, "They were always throwing these parties… Me and Heath were shut in the back bedroom most of the time… and… and we'd be there listening to all this screaming and shouting and loud music… stuff breaking… And Heath was so little… He was always crying… I used to put headphones on him to help keep him calm."

He stopped for a moment, clamping his hand around his fist, and grinding his teeth a little in anger. His eyes were still fixed on the floor but tears were now flowing freely.

"Anyway… this one night" he continued, forcing the words out through clenched teeth, "Things had gotten really wild, and I think Mum and Chook had had this big fight. I don't know… I just remember Mum was really out of it… more than usual… and I can remember her yelling at Chook that he'd have to sleep on the couch. That he wasn't welcome in her bed…"

Kyle swallowed thickly. He could see where this was headed and his stomach felt sick. How could something like this have happened to Brax?! The man was so self-assured and macho. How could he have been a victim just like him?! How hadn't he stopped it?!

"Chook… he… he came into our bedroom that night" stammered Brax, "He… He came in… and… and he… made me…" His voice was tight and full of emotion. "He said if I didn't let him, he'd hurt Heath… That I had to be quiet."

"Oh God" groaned Kyle, "I… I'm sorry…" He wasn't shocked at the depravity of the man, his own childhood had taught him how cruel men could be, but he was shocked that it had happened to Brax.

"Heath was so little!" he said with a little sob, "I couldn't let him hurt him… So, I did it… I let him. I let him do that to me."

"Mate, you didn't have a choice" said Kyle, realising the truth in those words for the first time. Brax had had no more choice in what had happened to him than he had. How was a nine-year-old supposed to fight back?

"I just remember thinking I was going to die" he said, wiping at his tears with the heels of both shaking hands, "He was so heavy… and I… I couldn't breathe… and it… it hurt so much."

"I know" nodded Kyle, understanding all too well what that felt like, "I'm… I'm sorry…"

"And I just kept staring at Heath…" he said, "I bit through my lip trying to be quiet… I didn't want him to wake up… To see what was happening…"

"Oh God" groaned Kyle, "I'm so sorry, Brax."

"Don't be sorry for me" he said, suddenly looking up at him. He had an incredulous look on his face. "It wasn't as bad as what happened to you…"

"It's not a competition" said Kyle, Jamilla's words echoing in his ears, "That's not how it works."

"It… it only happened once…" stammered Brax, "Mum… She and Chook broke up the next day… I never… I never saw him again… Think he died in prison."

"It doesn't matter that it only happened once" said Kyle, "It happened… Once is too many times…"

"I know" said Brax, looking up at him with apologetic eyes, "That's why I can't get it out of my head… You… I mean… 7 years?! …Jesus, Kyle, how did you get through it? I mean… how…"

"Did you tell your mum?" asked Kyle, in a desperate attempt to avoid the question. 'How had he gotten through it?' …He didn't know. He just had. "Is that why they broke up?" he asked.

Brax snorted and gave an angry little laugh. "Cheryl isn't exactly the kind of mum you go to for help" he replied sadly, "She only broke up with him because she found out he was stealing from her…"

"So, she didn't even realise?" frowned Kyle, "I mean… that… that he hurt you?"

He shook his head. "She was pretty messed up back then… The booze was pretty much all that mattered. Any money that came into the house went on smokes and goon… I don't even know if she knew we were there some of the time… or if she cared. I hid in my room for a couple of days, hid my underwear… She didn't even notice that I skipped school for a whole week."

Kyle nodded. He'd always known the Braxtons had had a tough time of it, but he hadn't quite realised how tough. "You never told anyone?" he asked, "I mean… a teacher… or a friend? …Or Heath?"

Brax shook his head. "I was ashamed" he said, "Chook… He… He told me I'd been asking for it, walking around in my underwear, flirting with him… I didn't know what flirting was but I was scared that maybe I had. That maybe it was my fault… And he said that dad would be angry with me if he found out… and that I'd get a whipping… I was too scared."

Kyle gave a little grimace. It was so cliché it was almost funny. Like child abuse 101. He'd probably been carrying that guilt around his whole life.

"I never told anyone until a few weeks ago" sighed Brax, "Just tried to forget it… Pretend it never happened…But it's always there..."

Kyle nodded. He understood that all too well. It was like a cancer festering in the back of your mind, tainting everything. "But you told Ric?" he asked, "I mean… she knows now?"

"Yeah…" he responded, his face reddening in shame, "I… I kind of fell to pieces…after I found out about you… kind of lost it for a while…"

"But you're okay now?" Kyle asked, wondering why it was only him that didn't seem to be able to get over it.

"No" he answered honestly, with a bitter little laugh, "But I'm trying…"

Kyle couldn't help rolling his eyes. So, that was it! He'd come to show him how it was done? How easy it was to come clean and then just move on with your life? "Why… why are you telling me this?" he asked, "I mean… are we supposed to bond over this? Like… like what? Like child abuse buddies or something?"

"I don't know" admitted Brax, wiping at his eyes again, "I guess… I just… I needed to talk to someone who would understand… and I thought maybe it'd help you too… Ric thought it might help you to know you're not the only one… and not just some other patient in this place… Someone you actually know."

Kyle gave another little laugh. He couldn't help it. As though it was that simple.

"Do you… do you want to talk about it?" asked Brax, "About what happened to you?"

"No" said Kyle, shaking his head and looking down at the floor, "Not right now."

He hated to admit that he actually did feel a little better. Knowing that Brax had been abused too shouldn't have made any difference, but in some strange way, it did. He'd always felt that what happened to him had been an indicator of some kind of weakness on his part. A basic character flaw. That the Hames' had simply seen that in him, the part of him that screamed 'victim', and then used it to their advantage. He'd believed the horrible things they'd told him. That on some level he'd invited the things that had been done to him and that he'd deserved them. Behaved in a way that said he wanted it. That he'd 'let' it happen. And he'd genuinely believed that someone like Brax wouldn't have let it happen to them. That the Braxton boys would have been stronger and more able to say 'no', and that he wasn't worthy of being a Braxton because he hadn't been able to. Now that he knew the truth, he couldn't help feeling relieved… but that made him feel guilty. What kind of person would react that way?!

"Okay" sighed Brax, noticing the reddening of his brother's cheeks. He wasn't going to push him. They sat saying nothing for a moment or two before Kyle broke the silence.

"You know most of it anyway…" he muttered quietly, "The whole fucking world does…" He glanced at the door and narrowed his eyes. "They all know… the other patients… I'm the Hames' case victim… It's like I'm the poster boy for child sexual abuse." He glanced at Brax before looking away again, frustration apparent on his face. "How pathetic is that?!"

"Come on, mate, it's not like that" said Brax.

"How would you like everyone to know?" sneered Kyle, "For everyone to know what that sicko did to you? People talking about you behind your back?"

Brax didn't know what to say. He knew that he would hate it too. That having people know something so deeply personal, so painful, would be unbearable for him. Even telling Kyle today had been incredibly difficult, so it must have been a hundred times worse for Kyle!

"I'm just so tired" groaned Kyle, "I want it all to go away …I want to close my eyes and go to sleep and not have nightmares about this stuff. I don't want to dream at all… I wish I could just forget that any of this stuff happened and that I could go back to being Kyle Braxton, 'small town restaurant owner'. I want boring."

"I know, mate" sighed Brax, "I know…"

"I don't know the last time I slept through the night" he admitted, "I can't even turn off the light in my room. Like a little kid, Brax… I can't…" He shook his head. "I see their faces, those men… I see them when I close my eyes…sometimes I even feel them… And I see Jessica and Simon. They're always there… And I'm remembering all this stuff from when they took me, the dark and how scared I was… And now I have to meet my real family. I mean, what are they gonna think of me? Their son, the 'mental patient rape victim'?"

"Mate, they won't think that!" argued Brax.

Kyle snorted. Of course, they would!

"They're just gonna want to see you" said Brax, "You're their kid and they thought you were dead… Can you imagine how happy they're going to be to have you back?!"

"Maybe" he replied, "I just..."

"Kyle, come on… how would you feel if you lost Noah?" asked Brax, "Do you think you'd care about any of this stuff… Do you think anything he could ever do would make you not love him?"

He shook his head. As a father himself, he understood how his parents must be feeling, at least on some level, but the disgust he felt for himself was just too strong. It was hard to separate the two things. He knew it was irrational but he couldn't help it.

"They replaced me" he said, feeling childish for even uttering the words, but it was something that had been playing on his mind since he'd found out about the Innocentis, "They just… they had more kids after I was gone. They don't need me… and all this drama." He gave a sad shrug. "They're better off without me."

"They didn't 'replace' you" frowned Brax, "Is that what Heath and Bianca are doing? Replacing Rocco?"

"No… but…" he began to say.

"Kyle, you're being ridiculous!" scolded Brax, "Your parents need to see you… So does Tam, and Heath… and the Summers… You can't keep shutting everyone out!"

"Says the guy who refused all visitors" scoffed Kyle.

"Yeah well" smirked Brax, "I never said I was smart."

Kyle gave a half-hearted little smile and then looked at the floor. He knew Brax was right but the thought of having to talk to all those people just felt overwhelming right now. As much as he hated this place and all the 'group sessions', it was much easier to hide here than face the world outside. In here, he could protect himself. In here, he didn't have to be okay. "I just…" he sighed, "I don't think I'm strong enough for this..."

"Mate" said Brax, leaning forward and taking hold of Kyle's shoulder, "…You're stronger than anyone else I know." He gave him a sad little half smile when Kyle finally met his gaze. "You're gonna get through this… You are."

Kyle smirked sarcastically at that. He felt anything but strong.

Suddenly the door opened and the same nurse that had brought Brax in before was standing there. There was a dark-haired woman standing behind her. The woman, dressed in a white shirt and dark pants, was just staring into the room with a shocked look on her face. Her mouth was almost gaping open.

"Kyle?" said the nurse, "There's a police officer here to see you? She says she needs to ask you some questions?"

The two men just stared, frozen stock still, like a couple of rabbits caught in the headlights.

After a moment, Brax stood up, slowly holding his hands up in front of him, as though he expected a SWAT team to suddenly descend from the ceiling and flatten him to the floor. He looked defeated, like he'd been expecting this to happen.

The nurse glanced back and forth between the cop and the man now on his feet, a perplexed look on her face. "Is… is everything okay?" she asked.

"Kat?!" gasped Kyle, getting to his feet and finally finding his voice, "W-what are you doing here?!"

Dun dun dun... Please review?