Chapter Thirty-Six: Those Damn Bad Habits

Hannah

"Where are we going?"

"Wait and see!" Ren skipped along the tunnel, a grin plastered across his face. "Wait and see! It's going to be fun!"

"Whenever you say the word 'fun', bad things happen."

Ren laughed. "That's only in your experience. Sometimes fun things actually do happen."

We were still walking through the tunnels – as we had been doing for hours, maybe even days, on end. We could have been going in circles for all I knew. I just followed Ren – the crazy psychotic Ren – wherever he led me. Urg, this was going to end badly.

"How much longer?" I asked. To make matters worse, Ren hadn't given me time to change out of this stupid sexy ringleader costume. I was walking around with a top hat and a cheap whip. I must've looked like such a whore.

"Not far, not far." Ren was practically glowing with delight. "Wait and see!"

"Yeah, I've been waiting for a long time."

"Yes, but the wait is much shorter now."

"How much shorter?" I asked in exasperation.

Ren stopped. He looked up at the ceiling. Then, he looked at me, a wide grin spreading across his face. "We're here."

I stared at the ceiling. It looked the same as all the other ceilings in this place – and, trust me, I had seen a lot of ceilings. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure." Ren grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. I tried to resist, but, unfortunately, Ren was a god. And I was dead. Little competition there.

"What do you mean 'pretty sure'?" I cried. "Don't do this unless you're absolutely sure!"

"I might be wrong in my calculations," said Ren. "But I'm pretty sure I'm right. It's been awhile since I've been to the Dale."

"Ren!"

He jumped. Through. The. Ceiling.

I have been through too many ceilings-floors-walls-things-that-I-should-not-go-through on this adventure.

"Ren!"

We erupted through the floor and landed on a soft, furry carpet. I stood there, clinging to Ren and staring around the room wildly. We had ended up in a bedroom – a terribly decorated bedroom, if I might add. The carpet was made of sheepskin with a giant tiger rug. The bed was massive, at least twice the size of a king-bed and it had leopard print bedcovers. Worse yet, there were two people in the bed. Yep. Way to make for an awkward entrance.

The man sat up, the covers falling away to reveal his bare chest. The god's yellow eyes narrowing at Ren. "What are you doing here!"

"Oops," said Ren. "Wrong room."

"Pretty sure!" I cried, reaching for my frying pan.

"Oh, come on, Princess!" Ren leapt out of the frying pan's range. "It was an honest mistake."

"An honest mistake that interrupted two gods having sex!"

"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Ren raced around the room, fleeing my magical frying pan of doom and despair.

"Honey…" The goddess sat up and looked around the room irritably. "Why are there two idiots…" She trailed off as her eyes fell on Ren. "What is he doing here?"

"Hi!" said Ren, leaping over their bed. "Reve! You haven't aged a day! You're boobs are still as freakishly gigantic!"

Reve glowered. "I remember why I hate him."

"General!" cried the man, stepping out of the bed. The covers fell away and revealed more than I wanted to see. Before I could speak, Ren sprinting across the room and covered my eyes.

"Deronde!" cried Ren. "How could you ruin my poor princess's innocence! Shame on you! Shame! Shame! Shame!"

"Princess?" (I couldn't see Deronde's face, but I'm pretty sure he was making a puzzled expression).

"My beloved Princess Hannah," said Ren.

Reve snorted. "Well no wonder you have issues with my breasts – if you like little things like that."

I pushed Ren's hands away from my eyes and glowered at Reve. "Don't talk about my chest like that, Ho."

"You're one to talk," said Reve, examining my sexy ringleader outfit.

Ren beamed and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "My BFF is such a fine woman."

"Get off me, idiot." I whacked him in the face with my frying pan.

Reve cackled. "Your fine woman doesn't feel the same way about you, Ren."

"Shut up." I said, pointing my frying pan at her. "I get enough shit about having a small chest from Dessie, I don't need it from you too."

"Dessie?" Reve blinked. "Wait a second. You're the sarmassophobic."

I nailed her in the head with my frying pan.

"I am going to chop Dessie up into little tiny bite sized pieces and feed them to my husband."

"Reve!" Deronde checked his wife's bleeding face. She looked pretty miserable. Deronde turned to me, his eyes flashing with raw rage. "You bitch! You ruined her beautiful face!"

"She's a goddesses," I said. "She'll heal."

"Princess Hannah," said Ren. "You're a little violent."

"I'm evil – get over it."

Deronde walked over to his dresser and started rummaging through the drawers. I squinted, trying to see what he was looking for – perhaps some pants. But instead, he pulled out a giant gun and pointed it at Ren and me.

"Get the fuck out of my house."

I screamed.

Ren scooped me up in his arms and fled.

BANG!

Ren jumped down the hole in the floor.

BANG!

"You crazy idiot!" I shrieked, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Next time be sure before you just through someone's floor!"

BANG!

"AH!"

Ren laughed. I'm not kidding. It wasn't a soft laugh or a snicker or a chuckle, it was a full, booming laugh that filled the tunnels and could compete with the volume of the giant gun firing at us.

BANG!

"You're insane!" I wailed.

BANG!

"I think he's chasing us," said Ren, laughing even harder.

BANG!

"I just hit his wife in the face with a frying pan!" I cried. "She called me flat. And she mentioned my phobia."

BANG!

"I think your phobia is cute," said Ren.

"You're an idiot. You don't count."

BANG!

"That's my girl." Ren screeched to a halt. He looked up.

"Oh no!" I cried. "Not again. Run! Don't stop! Don't go up! Run!"

BANG!

"Okay!" I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Jump! Jump! Jump! Ren! Jump!"

Laughing, Ren leapt upwards. Through the ceiling we went again. As I've said, time and time again – Ren has a really bad habit of doing that! The dirt broken around us, showering down on us from all directions. I didn't know what was up and what was down. We were moving, rapidly, in some direction that I hoped was up. And then the dirt released us and we were standing in the middle of a living room.

"Here we are," said Ren, grinning proudly.

Still in his arms, I looked around the living room. It slowly began to dawn on me where we were exactly. Kate was lying on the ground, Kisame's arms wrapped around her to protect her from the explosion of dirt and floorboards. Dessie was crouched in the corner, hiding behind an unfamiliar black haired man and Sasori. Kakuzu was lying on the ground, half of his body covered by a couch. Konan was sprawled on top of Zetsu's Venus flytrap, she sat up, rubbing the top of her head. The Blond Fur Ball was propped up against the wall with a lamp shade lying across his lap. Itachi was leaning against the wall, looking extremely cool as usual – and Aram was there. He stood in the middle of the wreckage, his mouth wide open and clutching his short brown hair. "M-m-my house!" cried Aram. "My house! Damn it! Can't you destroy someone else's house for once!"

"Ren…" I said slowly. "It's the Akatsuki…"

"I found them!" said Ren proudly. "Paban told me they were staying in Four's house. Hi, Four!"

Aram looked up and saw Ren. He jaw dropped. "General! What are you doing here! And…" Aram's jaw dropped even further. "Hannah!"

"Hannah?"

Dessie peaked up from behind Sasori and the strange man's back. "Hannah!" She leapt over the two men and sprinted across the rubble filled living room. She screeched to a halt, though, before reaching me and stared.

"What?" I asked.

"Hottie…" said Dessie slowly. "Hannah, you brought a Hottie with you…"

I struggled out of Ren's arms and he put me on the ground. "Yeah, but he's an idiot."

"Hottie!" squealed Dessie, clapping her hands together excitedly. "I'll call him Through-The-Floor-Hottie! Can I have him? You already have a harem, Hannah? Can I add him to mine?"

Before Dessie could hug-tackle Ren (he probably would have enjoyed it), the black haired man picked up Dessie by the waist. She struggled against him, her legs running through mid air, but his grip was iron.

"Porcupine!" wailed Dessie. "Let me hug the Hottie!"

"No."

"Why not? Evil Porcupine! Evil! Evil, I tell you!"

"Um," I said slowly. "Who is this?"

Dessie stopped struggling. She looked at me and then at the man. Then, she pointed at him and said, flatly, "This is the coffee-thieving bastard."

I blinked. "Madara? Why does Madara have a body?"

"Vinde," said Ren cheerfully. "He must have given Madara a body when you arrived. How is Vinde? I haven't seen that douche in awhile."

"He's being a douche as always, General," said Aram, his face still flooded with confusion. "What are you doing here, General?"

"Bringing Princess Hannah back!" cried Ren.

"Princess, uhn?" Deidara had woken up and was grinning at me smugly. "What have you been doing while you were away?"

"Shut up, Fur Ball," said Dessie, still dangling in the air. "We all know you were drowning in misery."

"Hannah!"

Kate sprinted across the room and flung her arms around my neck (was it just me or had Kate gained some weight?).

"What's up?" I asked, after she released me.

"Guess what!" cried Kate.

"Er…"

"I'm pregnant!"

I stood there. 'Confused' would not have covered my reaction. Maybe 'stunned beyond belief' would have sufficed. "You're, um, what?"

"Pregnant." Kate patted her stomach. "Baby Felix kicked a couple of minutes ago."

I turned to Kisame. "Congrats. I never knew you had it in you."

"Hey! We came to the Dale to save you and you insult us!"

"Silly," said Kate, patting Kisame on the arm. "Yola, the goddess of pregnancy, decided to spite me and made me pregnant with my own split personality."

"Yes," I said blankly. "Because that's not completely insane at all."

"It was terrible at first,' said Kate. "But I got over it. Baby Felix is going to be adorable!"

"What the fuck! Hannah! You're supposed to be dead!"

I turned to see – surprise, surprise – Hidan. He was gawping at me, his mouth hanging somewhere around floor level.

"Way to welcome her, Zombie Whore!" cried Dessie.

Hidan look at Dessie and then at Madara, who was still holding Dessie. "What's wrong with you?"

"She's going to attack the Hottie if I let go of her."

"She looks like she's calmed down," said Konan, brushing some dirt off her sleeve.

Madara shrugged. He put Dessie down.

She tackled Ren.

"I stand corrected," said Konan.

Dessie wrapped her arms around Ren's neck and wailed, "Through-The-Floor-Hottie!"

Ren lay on the ground beneath Dessie. He stared at her for a second. She grinned, delighted to have found another drool-worthy face. Ren laughed. (I'm really not surprised).

"Princess!" cried Ren. "She's crazier than I am!"

"No," I said. "No one is crazier than you are."

"So who is this?" asked Leader stiffly.

"Ren, the god of the Underworld," I said.

"Did you blackmail him?"

I turned to see who had spoken. I didn't really have to look. I knew just from the sound of his gruff voice. Kakuzu stood there, wiping some blood off his forehead. He wasn't smiling, but then again, neither was I.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey. Long time no see."

"Yeah."

Ren stood up, Dessie's arms wrapped around his neck. He shifted her to a piggybacking position and grinned at me broadly. "I feel like a koala bear!"

"Koalas are awesome!" cried Dessie.

"I know!" cried Ren. "Not as awesome as cheetahs, but still pretty awesome!"

"Awesome koalas for the win!"

"They're both idiots," said Madara with a sigh.

I nodded grimly. "I had to travel around with that idiot for weeks."

"How did you survive?"

"That's a good question. Mostly I just beat him over the head with a magical frying pan. It tends to do the trick." I made a mental note that Madara was pretty cool (he understood my suffering).

"Hannah!"

I was plastered to the floor with a giant Venus flytrap lying on top of me, his arms wrapped around my middle.

"Hi, Zetsu."

"Hannah!"

"I missed you too."

"Hannah!"

"Yes?"

"Hannah!"

I sighed. "Can someone get this idiot off of me?"

Kakuzu picked Zetsu up by the scuff of his neck. I sat up on the floor and rubbed my aching back (the landing was rough).

"So what are you doing here?" asked Leader.

"Returning to life!" cried Ren. "Princess Hannah cannot be conquered even by death! She will fight for her right to live! That is why she is a brave and noble princess worthy of her title."

"Princess," scoffed Dessie. "Hannah is a queen."

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"We're staying with Aram!" cried Kate. "Did you know he's Four?"

I looked at Aram, who was still trying to figure out what in the Dale was going on. His mouth was moving soundlessly as he stared at the giant hole in his living room floor.

"Sure," I said, rolling my eyes. "I totally knew. Aram has four letters. He's Four. It makes perfect sense." (Note the sarcasm).

"Wow," said Kisame. "None of us figured it out."

Facepalm time.

"HANNAH-NUNU!"

I stepped out of the way at the last second and Tobi went flying to the floor, landing face down rather painfully. He sat up and looked at me through one watery eye. "Hannah-Nunu is as heartless as ever!"

"You're just a–"

I never got to tell Tobi what he was, because at that moment a naked Deronde leapt through the hole in the floor, holding is gigantic gun on his left shoulder.

"What the hell, uhn!"

"You bitch!" screamed Deronde, pointing his gun directly at me. "You're going to pay for destroying Reve's face!"

"She's a goddess!" I cried. "Her face will heal!"

"Why are all the gods in the place completely insane!" wailed Kate.

"Immortality does that to you,' said Ren cheerfully.

"Fanservice!" cried Dessie, checking out Deronde's body approvingly. "He may be insane, but he has abs to die for!"

"Don't say that around a dead person!" I snapped.

Deronde aimed the gun and pulled the trigger.

BANG!

And this is where we end on one of those damned cliffhangers.

A/N: ! MY favorite chapter is coming. Not yet, but soon. I just have to write it. Honestly, I skipped forward and wrote part of the chapter once, but I'll probably write it again and mayb publish the original on here later. But... ITSCOMING!

Also, I've received a request that I should make this series last for a few more months. My response is: don't worry. The reason I am updating every day at the moment is because it's summer. The moment school starts I won't have time and it will probably end up once or twice a week.

Anyways, REVIEW or an army of insane gods/goddesses with giant guns will chase you from one end of the Earth to the other. But they won't be fanservice gods, completely naked, no. They will be FULLY CLOTHED TO HIDE THEIR HOTNESS! NOOOOOOOOO!