Chapter 38: Downfall

Sleep didn't come easy for the ash-blond after things got out of control the day before. He was thoroughly confused as to why he woke up in a room he hadn't used in a long time and with no sight of his beloved boyfriend. Or any traces that someone had lain with him at all. When was the last time he had to sleep without Daichi by his side? A little disoriented, Suga stretched his sore limps, but stopped in his movement when a sudden stabbing pain inflamed in his right arm. His eyes wandered down to the source of the burning sensation, only to discover a bunch of bandages covering his wrist. Suga cringed in distaste once he noticed how it bled through in a few places – luckily nothing major. It served as a perfect reminder to what happened the night before and his expression fell even further once he realized that he was all alone. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, he got out of bed and started on his usual morning routine. Except that he had now much more time than any other day since he was not allowed to show his face at work for the time being.

Therefore, he decided to spoil himself a little – even if it was only to distract himself from this growing heaviness inside his chest. He avoided taking a bath, though. After all, he didn't want to repeat nearly falling out of the tub from dizziness like last night. A long shower with his favourite body wash had to be enough to relax his aching muscles and wash the blood stains still covering his wrist. These mirror shards had truly messed with him, more than he would like to confess. Since he couldn't leave all these cuts out in the open like that, he wrapped clean bandages around the offended limp – something he had become too familiar with over these past few years.

Feeling quite hungry, he reheated yesterday's dinner, but not before adding a few more spices. On his journey through the house, he noticed that Daichi had left without a word or notice or anything. Well, Suga had slept in, so it wasn't unusual that the other was already out. Following his warm breakfast, he wandered back into their shared bedroom to grab some fresh and comfortable clothes. Once he opened their closet, though, something entirely different caught his eye. The duffle bag Daichi owned was gone! Along with a bunch of clothes, which would surely last for a couple days! Shock settled deep within him and for a moment he could do nothing but stare at the sudden emptiness in their closet.

He left. He left me… It's over… Have I ruined everything? Again? I – I can't lose him! Not him! This can't be happening! Oh god… There must be a reason for this, right? But he disappeared without any sort of note, and he never does that… Has he grown sick of this mess I am? Am I really not meant to be happy? No… No, no, no, no, no!

Despair grew in him and more and more tears began streaming down his cheeks. His knees buckled underneath him as heart-wrenching sobs wrecked his tender frame. He was breaking apart and he was all alone. Not even in his darkest times at what used to be his home had he felt so utterly devastated. What was he supposed to do now? Maybe it was just a misunderstanding! Maybe he simply needed a change of clothes for his investigations! That must be it, right? Daichi wouldn't just abandon him, right? He had promised him, after all! As soon as he had calmed down a little, he decided to wait for his love's return in the evening to apologise for yesterday's argument. Everything would work out.

Nothing was alright by the time night rolled in. There was still no sight of his boyfriend and it was already way beyond his latest work time. If Suga had somehow managed to keep his sanity despite his overall situation, he was surely losing this battle now. No messages indicated that something was amiss and none if his own texts had been answered despite that they had been read at some point. Between pacing through the flat, desperate to keep himself busy so that his mind wouldn't mess more with him than it already had, and a few naps to cure his sickness there was not much he could do but wait. He definitely didn't glance at his phone every few minutes to check for new texts. Definitely not. Still, he nearly sprinted towards his phone the moment his ringtone indicated an incoming message.

[Dai-Chan 3]: "Won't be coming home for the time being. Cool off while I'm away. Maybe the distance will help the both of us. I'm sorry for what happened yesterday."

Suga stared at his phone display in disappointment and sunk down into the sofa. Re-reading the message didn't help in lifting his mood - instead, the more he analysed what Daichi had written, the more hopeless he felt. Daichi wanted to take a break, wanted to use this situation to get away from him for an undefined amount of time. Meaning that Sugawara got no chance to apologize for his previous behaviour. No chance to make up with the most important person in his life. A feeling of emptiness spread in him, something he hadn't felt for a long time now. He could only hope that his soulmate wouldn't give up on him.

The following days went by in a monotonous manner for the ash-blond. He pretty much functioned on auto-pilot without being too conscious of his surroundings. Since he still couldn't do much due to his unstable health, he spent most of his unwelcome free time in bed, only to get up for food and to visit the bathroom. On top of that, he neglected his antidepressants, due to his lack of motivation for any kind of activity which is why he felt even more pathetic. There were no new messages from Daichi and Suga couldn't bring himself to contact the other first. Even if it hurt like hell. In an emotional sense. However, he didn't want to annoy him any further, even if it meant that he had to suffer. After all, it's not like he wasn't familiar with being left alone.

By the time that the one week mark was crossed, Sugawara couldn't stay in this empty house any longer. He desperately graved the presence of another person, so he decided to check on his pregnant best friend. Said brunet seemed to have caught on the urgency of his request immediately, if the way his voice rose an octave higher in concern was anything to go by. That's how Suga found himself in front of Oikawa's home, only an hour after his unexpected call. The brunet opened the door only seconds after the doorbell rang – Tooru had obviously hurried to get to the door despite the far progression of his pregnancy. Something that warmed Suga's aching heart immensely, considering his current state of mind. Smiling had become hard these last few days, yet he tried to keep up a cheerful façade, so that his best friend wouldn't worry about him.

"There you are, Kou-Chan! It's been way too long since we've met up! Come in, come in!"

Tooru urged him on with a genuine, bright smile and pulled him in a bone-crushing hug the second he entered his and Hajime's flat. Suga was dragged towards the living room after his muttered greeting, where he got surprised by the sight of what he could only describe as a huge pillow fort. He didn't even get a chance to get a word or two in when his brunet friend pulled him into said fort, immediately cuddling into the ash-blond. Despite being a little overwhelmed by this onslaught of affection, it was calming to Suga.

After some silent cuddling, Tooru asked softly, "So, what happened? Shou-Chan told me that you overworked yourself to the point of collapsing - which I don't approve at all, mind me. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're looking terrible."

His fingers wandered across Koushi's bandaged wrist, bandages that reached his elbows by now, even if that was covered by his sweater. Suga flinched once his friend touched a particularly sensitive spot, causing Tooru to whine in distress.

"What have you done? Just what had happened to you for you to get so bad again? You could have talked to me! How - How long has that been going on?" Tooru all but begged, while cradling the other in his arms.

It got harder by the minute to keep up this mask of faked cheerfulness, especially with the way those widened chocolate-brown eyes kept gazing into his own. Suga's resolve broke eventually, resulting in him breaking down in Tooru's arms. Considering the fact that he usually tried to hide his insecurities it was a shock for the brunet that his ashen-haired friend was actively seeking refuge.

"I'm sorry… That I broke our promise… I didn't mean to hurt myself, but I was just so frustrated that I smashed a mirror and I was bleeding and hurting and it brought up these feelings and then I couldn't really stop myself anymore… I just – I didn't know what to do! Dai and I were fighting over something stupid, but it got really bad and then he hit me and I hid away in my room afterwards! I wanted to apologize the day after but Dai never got home and he hasn't since then. I've fucked up for good and now he doesn't want to see me anymore, nor talk to me… I – I've ruined everything!"

Tooru didn't have to know how bad his self-destructive behaviour had gotten again for now – at least the ash-blond couldn't bear to confess all of that at the moment as well. Opening up was hard enough as it was. However, Suga was full out sobbing by the end of his broken confession and it tore at Tooru's heartstrings more than anything. His pregnancy alone made him overly emotional at times and seeing his dearest friend so utterly devastated brought him to tears as well. The sound of two crying males alarmed Hajime, who was currently in the kitchen preparing some food for his partner and their unexpected guest. Iwaizumi rushed into the living room as soon as he heard the crying. It worried him to see the both of them in such a miserable state, but something told him that his fiancé had been triggered by Suga's crying. And that alone was worrisome, since he, too, was familiar with his backstory. So, he did what he thought was the best for now: he enclosed both of them in a hug. Something that worked for his pregnant mate, would surely work on his depressed friend as well. And it did, luckily. Even if it took a few minutes for both to calm down. Once Suga stopped bawling, he whispered a soft "Thank you," and buried himself some more in the mountain of blankets and pillows. Iwaizumi exchanged glances with his partner, clearly asking for a chance to talk in private. Fortunately, they knew each other inside out, so the brunet caught on immediately and excused himself for a moment to grab a bite and some tea for them.

Back in the kitchen, Iwaizumi asked quietly, "Do you know what's going on? Daichi hasn't told me anything but he seemed to be bothered by something for a while now. Seeing his partner in such a poor state is worrisome the least."

Oikawa leaned against the counter and exclaimed, completely agitated, "It's been years since I've last seen him like that. He even went back to hurting himself! Though he is trying to hide that fact. But I know him; I've seen the signs, not to mention his bandaged hand! And it's all because of a stupid argument that escalated way too much between him and Sawa-Chan!"

The brunet tried to keep his voice low – he didn't want to set off his friend once more – but considering how his emotions were all over the place due to his wild hormones that wasn't an easy task. The brunet was already getting irritated at even the most trivial things and this situation didn't help in the slightest. If anything, it made him sourer than he had felt throughout the entire pregnancy. Tooru was pissed beyond believe and his anger was mostly aimed at Sawamura Daichi for causing his dearest friend to relapse into old behaviour patterns. Seeing Suga at his lowest once again tormented the brunet just as much. After all, the ash-blond hadn't slipped into heavy depressive episodes in ages. Not counting his panic attacks, though. Not since Tooru took it on himself to watch over him. Where all these therapy sessions for naught?

Tooru had been convinced that Sugawara would never return to the broken boy from his youth. Therefore, watching him fall apart like that was a huge shock for him. His Hajime couldn't bear watching his distressed soulmate shaking like he did, so he wrapped him in his arms in an attempt to soothe him at least a little. It did nothing to remove the brunet's uncharacteristic scowl this time. The gesture was appreciated either way as said brunet leaned into the touch of his lover.

"I know this is hard for you, especially because he is your best friend, but please calm down! Yeah, this is a shitty situation, something that could have been avoided. The only thing we can do is to be there for him now. Make sure he doesn't do something he'll regret later. I'll talk to Daichi next time I see him, okay?"

Those words were little relief, considering how Suga had already crumbled to pieces without anyone knowing, but Hajime was right. Even his stubborn fiancé had to accept that – that awful reality. As soon as Tooru had calmed down, he grabbed some snacks and the tea he had prepared before his buddy came over. Even if there wasn't much he could do right now, he could still provide comfort, hugs and words of cheer to get Suga's mind out of that dark place he got himself into.