Chapter 37

"I hear that you had some excitement last night, Tim," Dr. Hicks said as he sat down.

Tim nodded and tried to smile. "I'm going back. To DC. Vacation's over."

"I figured you'd probably have to once the FBI showed up."

"I need to ask you some questions. About Carew."

Dr. Hicks furrowed his brow. "Why?"

"Because I'm going to need to speak with him and I need to get an idea of how he'll respond. You understand him better than I do."

"That's debatable, but let's talk about something else first."

"What?"

"You were afraid?"

"When?" Tim asked.

"Last night."

Tim looked down. "Why is this important?"

Dr. Hicks chuckled. "Because it's part of who you are, and while I don't doubt that you do need to start making a plan, you also need to acknowledge that you were frightened."

Tim swallowed and nodded. "I was scared."

"Of what?"

"I was afraid that...that they'd start fighting over me." Tim forced a laugh. "Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Like it's some kind of twisted version of a sappy romance. ...but they were going to. If I hadn't said anything, people could have died. Because of me. Again. I don't want anyone to die for me. I don't want people to be changed, corrupted, twisted to save me. I don't want that. Ever."

"Who are you talking about here, Tim?"

"My friends," Tim whispered. "Tony and Ziva. They keep pressing me to tell them more of what's going on in my head, but I don't want them to see it. They can't make it go away, and I don't want to tell them enough that they'll understand because it will change them, twist them like it's twisted me. I don't want that for them."

"Interactions with the CIA don't have to be all negative, Tim."

Tim managed to smile slightly. "I know that, but except for you...and...and Geoff..."

"Geoff?"

"Geoff Banta. He was one of the people watching me...and he died, trying to save me, trying to protect me. Just another death I have on my head."

"No, Tim," Dr. Hicks said firmly. "You cannot take the blame for the deaths caused by others."

"But it happened because I was there! Geoff would have been fine if he had been anywhere else. That man who flew the plane for the terrorists...if he had only left the crate closed..." Tim felt the tears again. "...all those people and their families...all dead."

"No. Tim, we've talked about this. You cannot take the blame for those deaths. You didn't commit those murders and you hated them. If you could have stopped them, you would have. We both know that. Don't let another event damage the progress you've made."

Tim looked up at the ceiling for a few seconds. "I didn't want to have to face that again. I've...I'm better than I was, but I...I don't know if I could deal with it. Dr. Hicks, I...I don't want people to die for me."

Dr. Hicks looked at Tim earnestly. "Tim, there are some things you can't control. You are taking control of your life, and that's good...but don't make the mistake of assuming that you can control whatever comes into your sphere of existence...because you can't. You couldn't have controlled those FBI agents showing up. You couldn't have controlled the CIA agents being there."

"Did you know about them?"

"Yes. I did. I also knew that this house was provided by the CIA."

"By Carew."

"Yes. Tim, this is one of those things you have to learn to accept. It just is. You don't want to be important. You don't want to be the kind of person people want to use. ...but you are, and since you are, you have to learn how to discern between the things you can control and the things you can't. ...and you can't control other people."

"I know that. I do, but..."

"I understand, Tim. You've had too many times where you were powerless to stop deaths from occurring around you. Being helpless in that kind of situation makes you want to control it, to stop it from happening, and you can't. I understand that kind of threat being troubling to you. It's something that you'll have to deal with." Dr. Hicks paused and then smiled. "When you go back to DC, would you like to continue our sessions?"

"What?" Tim asked, the question taking him by surprise.

"I think you could use further therapy, although you're definitely doing a lot better and I'm happy with your progress. If you'd rather stop, it's your perogative."

"Won't you be busy?"

"Of course, but if you're one of my clients, you'll be part of my schedule. As you might guess, I'm not one of the agents who goes off on secret missions. I'm not physically capable and I never have been. I'm just a shrink. Do you want to continue?"

Tim thought about it. The distrustful part of him wanted to say no and wanted to cut off all his ties to the CIA as soon as he could...but the more logical part of him realized that Dr. Hicks was a good fit for what he needed and that he'd dealt with a lot of things he'd been unable to tolerate before.

"If I'm free..." Tim said softly.

"Well, let's get on that, then. I'm assuming your questions about Carew have to do with going back to DC."

"Yes."

"Fire away," Dr. Hicks said with a smile.

"Would Carew accept it if I simply told him I needed his help...without promising him anything in return?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest. I actually am not aware of most of the deals he's made. I do know that he has a number of people who owe him favors. He used a few to give you the space to heal, although clearly, we've reached the limits of it."

"Yeah. Looks like it."

"So, you tell me. Why would you think that this approach could succeed?"

"Because...once, Carew told me that the world needed people like me and I didn't have to be like him. I'm not a...a dealer. I don't sneak around. I just want to be able to explain and have people understand what I want."

"If Carew thinks that the world needs you as you are, you probably have a better chance than most do. I find it rather intriguing that he feels that way and he told you."

"Didn't stop him from using me anyway. Just stopped me from doing his dirty work...some of it."

"I'm not going to try and convince you that Carew isn't the devil incarnate, Tim...but I do think that there might be merit in your approach. You can only try."

"Yeah. Try. I just wish I knew whether or not it would work. I'm not the kind of person who can manipulate other people...not without feeling guilty about it. When all this started...I tried to get Gibbs, my boss, to promise me that he'd stop all these things from happening. He couldn't, but I tried to make him because I knew if I could get him to promise, he'd do it...even if it killed him. ...but I couldn't do it...and just trying made me feel even worse."

"I can see that being the case. I can't tell you Carew's reaction, but Carew has had an interest in you since you came into the CIA sphere. There is something that intrigues him, although I can't tell you what that is because he hasn't been willing to elaborate."

"Carew isn't evil," Tim said softly. He knew that Dr. Hicks believed that already, but it was important that he admit it aloud. "I almost wish he was because then I could understand him...but I can't. I only know that he puts the country ahead of everything...and I think he would include himself in that. He certainly includes everyone else. I don't want to have to rely on him, but I need to. I need someone with more clout than anyone at NCIS has...and Carew has that. In spades if the way he treated me is any indication."

"I think he is well-connected and has more power than he lets on. What will be your approach?"

"In person. I'm going to talk to him in person. I think I can get to him without much trouble. If he's there, he'll see me." Tim wasn't sure how true that was, but he was fairly certain that Carew would be willing to talk to him at some point.

"And will you admit that you need his help?"

"Yes. I don't see how I can lie about it. Carew seems to be able to see right through me."

"He's not infallible, but he has made a study of reading people."

"Do you help him?"

Dr. Hicks laughed. "No. He doesn't ask me for help. He meets with me because he knows it's a necessity in a position like the one he holds...and he trusts me."

"Because he knows you."

"Yes. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it."

"Dr. Hicks?"

"Yes?"

"Am I wrong?" Tim asked, bringing the conversation full circle.

"About what?"

"About keeping things from my friends." Tim got up and walked to the window. Tony and Ziva were out on the deck. Tony was apparently giving her some kind of geography lesson, pointing to the mountains on the eastern horizon. "They want me to tell them things, but I don't want to. I've never wanted to, not from day one. I kept it from them for weeks until something else happened that made it impossible to keep it a secret. I've only ever told them what I felt like I had to tell them. They keep saying that I should trust them and tell them more...but I don't want them to know. I don't want to tell them all these horrible things that I've done and how I felt about it. It's bad enough that they know they happened."

"But they do know."

"Yeah. They do. ...and I wish they didn't. I want this to be over, but it can't be. Not until I'm dead."

"Is that what you want?"

"Sometimes...but even with everything that's happened...I still want to live most of the time...even though I've..."

"No, Tim. You can't go there."

"I know, but..."

"No buts. This is the way you need to head. Away from blaming yourself and toward accepting that there are some things you couldn't have done to stop people from being killed. You couldn't do anything, and blaming and punishing yourself won't help. If you want to get control of your life, that's great. Just don't forget that there are limits to what you can control."

Tim knew that there was a lot of truth to what Dr. Hicks was saying. It was just hard to keep it in mind all the time. He sat down across from Dr. Hicks and smiled.

"I want to keep meeting with you...if that's all right."

"Of course, Tim. I wouldn't have suggested it if I hadn't meant it."

"Okay."

"Keep your hopes up, Tim. Don't let what other people want for you drag you down. That's what I told you in the beginning. If others don't want to let you be a human being, you have to insist on it. You can't forget, even if others have...in fact, especially if others have."

Tim nodded, and looked out the window again. Tony and Ziva were still talking. Tony had refused to leave him alone, had kept him from withdrawing from humanity, had believed in him. There would always be someone who knew he was a human being...if he let them be there.

Dr. Hicks made arrangements to keep coming to meet with Tim for the rest of the time he was in Idaho and then left Tim with Tony and Ziva...to make a call.

"Are you ready for this, McGee?"

"Which part?" Tim asked, sitting on the couch. There was a phone, regular phone, sitting in front of them.

"Of committing to return to DC," Ziva said.

"I already said I would. I'm not going to change my mind," Tim said.

"They will be happy to see you."

"Ecstatic," Tony said.

Tim smiled.

"Dial."

"Yes, sir."

Tony dialed. They waited.

"Gibbs."

"Hey, Boss. You're at NCIS?" Tony asked.

"What is it, Tony?"

"Go down to Abby's lab, and get Ducky and Jimmy."

"What's up, DiNozzo?"

Tony grinned at Ziva.

"Just do it, okay, Boss?"

There was a period of silence, a ding and then some muffled conversations. Tim said nothing. He just waited.

"What is it, Tony?"

"Everyone is there?" Ziva asked.

"Yes. What is it?"

"We're coming back," Tim said with no ceremony.

There was a shocked pause.

"Back?" Abby repeated.

"Yes. Next week."

"Why?" Jimmy asked. "Ow! Abby!"

"Don't hit him, Abby," Tony said. "It's a good question."

"What brought this sudden change?" Ducky asked.

"The FBI showed up here last night," Tony said.

"What?" Gibbs asked.

"They were planning on taking me into protective custody."

"How did you stop them?"

"I told them no," Tim said. "...and it turns out that we have some CIA watchers."

"Since when?"

"As long as I've been here. I never noticed them. ...but then, the house I'm staying in is CIA, too."

"Yeah, it is."

"That's what you wouldn't tell me."

"That's right," Gibbs said.

"No apology?" Tim asked.

"No. You needed time we couldn't give you, McGee. You needed it and you used it like I'd hoped you would. I can't apologize for that."

Tim swallowed and looked at Tony and Ziva for a moment.

"...and I can't insist on it...but I've learned a lot the last few weeks...from Dr. Hicks. He's CIA, too."

Another stunned silence.

"How?"

"Carew anticipated," Tim said succinctly.

"He's a good guy, Boss," Tony said. "We've all met him."

"McGee?" Gibbs asked.

"I trust him, Boss."

"And?"

"And I'm coming back. I have one stop to make before I go back to NCIS, but I'll be there. I'm not walking completely yet, but I'm on my own two feet. ...and I'm ready to fight again, Boss. You were right. I needed the time...and I've had it. I wish I could have had more time. It's been nice here, separated from everything, but Tony was right."

"About what, Timothy?"

"There's only one world, and I can't avoid it any longer. Tell Director Shephard that I'll be ready to talk to the people who are going to try to insist that I can't be out in this world."

"And what are you going to tell them?" Gibbs asked.

"I'm going to tell them that I'm done. I'm not going to play anymore, and they aren't going to use me anymore. I'm finished."

"And if they don't accept that?"

"They'll have to," Tim said. He heard his own voice getting harder. "I won't accept anything else."

"How will you guarantee that, Timothy? You know that these are not people easily persuaded."

Tim smiled a bit humorlessly. "I'll have backup. There's always someone watching, and this time, I'm going to use that."