Hey guys! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews. I'm very happy to see that you guys' haven't left me since I didn't update for so long. I will let you know and reassure you that this is a MERDER story for sure. I am a huge fan of them and think they are adorable! (: I'll fix it, I always do.

Chapter 38

Meredith left. She left him standing alone in the on call room where she had just yelled and he had said some stuff, she said some stuff and now they were apart and he was so unsure of what happened. He shouldn't have yelled at her earlier today, especially after everything she had been through with her mother. But she came and he was stressed and didn't know what to do and he let it out on her. Not because he wanted to, but because it just happened.

Now, he was all alone and had no idea where to go or what to do. Should he go to the house and talk to her about it? Or should he leave her be, give her time, and go to the trailer? He wouldn't sleep if he was away from her, he knew that. Just the thought of lying awake in the cold trailer without her there for him to hold drove him nuts. He needed her. God, he needed her so much. He had to fix this. He knew he was an ass, she had every right to be mad and they needed to talk about him becoming Chief. It could happen, and if so then he needed to discuss it with her. They were going to get married and they needed to discuss their future.

After leaving the on call room and heading to his office to change and get ready, he found himself in his car on the way back to their house. Or her house, or her mother's house. Whatever it was, he was headed there because that's where the love of his life was. Or so he hoped.

He felt a sigh of relief exit his mouth and lungs as he noticed her car sitting on in front of the house with lights illuminated in the house. He parked the car and got out and headed to the front door. After unlocking the door and locking it behind him he discovered that the lamp on the end table was on, and he smiled. She only kept it on when she knew he'd be coming home late and needed to see. That gave him hope; maybe she wasn't as mad as he anticipated.

"Meredith," Derek said as he came to the front of their bedroom door. He entered the room and saw the darkness in the room with the moon shining in and showing the frame of Meredith's body. She was curled up on his side clutching his pillow and wearing his clothes. His heart melted and ached all at the same time. He hated himself for hurting her, for causing her any amount of pain, and yet he was so damn happy to see her on his side, in his clothes. She always said when she missed him while he was at work she'd wear his clothes and sleep on his side just to feel close to him.

"Meredith," he whispered as he got on the bed on her side and crawled closer to her body. He reached to touch her so she would know he was there.

"You came home," she said softly.

"I came home. I didn't want to be anywhere you weren't. I love you," he told her as he wrapped her in his arms. She turned the light on the end table on and faced him.

"I love you too, I'm sorry I got mad. It was just…a bad day." She told him.

"I know, I'm sorry too. I should've realized earlier what kind of day you were having and I never should have taken my stress out on you. You didn't deserve that. You were having a bad day and I should've been there for you. I'm so sorry I wasn't Mer," he told her.

"You were, just not the whole day." She said softly.

"I know, I'm sorry." He said.

"Ok, we still need to talk, Derek." She told him.

"I know, we need to discuss our future and the possibility of me being Chief." He said.

"I get that you want it, Derek. I do. I've seen you work hard, and that's the reason you came out here. You didn't plan any of this between us. You were escaping New York and Addison and needed and wanted to focus on your career. But, you proposed and you say you want a future with me…"

"I do, I really do Meredith." He interrupted.

"But that changes things. I've seen the Chief go through hell with his wife, it hasn't worked out because of all the work that comes with being Chief. We want a family together, Derek. How are you going to be there for our kids? I don't want to sound selfish or ask you to not take the job because honestly you would make an amazing Chief." She said.

"But…" Derek said, knowing there was more.

"But, you would make an even better dad. And I want to give that to you, and I want us to experience parenthood together. I don't know how well that will work if you're constantly at the hospital doing paperwork, getting in OR time and running a hospital. I just don't see it all working out. I don't want us to be apart any night, and Richard spends every night at work. He never leaves, he never left. That's why he's getting a divorce. Because the job got in the way of their marriage and life. I don't want that for us. But I don't want you to lose your dream either." She said with tears now in her eyes. She was so lost and confused on what to do.

"Mer, I don't need to be Chief." He told her.

"Yes you do, that's been your dream since you were little. You've wanted to be just like your dad." She said.

"But I won't be. He didn't have a lot on his hands when he was the Chief. He was an excellent Neurosurgeon and I'm fine with being that as well. I want a lifetime with you. I want a wonderful wedding that is perfect for us. I want to marry you, and build us a house that will fit us and our children. I want to make babies with you, as many as you will have, and I want to raise them and come home to you and our kids every night. I don't want to spend endless hours working on paperwork, I want to spend endless hours of happiness with you and our kids. I want to be with you forever, that is my dream. My dreams have changed, Meredith. When I first came here I was escaping the horrible life I had in New York. Then, I met you at the bar and my whole world flipped upside down and I have been in love with you ever since. I've been happier than ever, and I want to remain that way. I can only be that way if I'm with you." He told her with a soft, dreamy look.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to grow to resent me or our kids in the future." She told him.

"I won't. I promise. I love you, and I love that you keep talking about our future and our kids. It took me a while to get you to, and now that we're talking about it, I can't wait for it to happen." He told her as he cupped her face between his hands and leaned in to place a kiss on her lips.

"I love you too," she told him.

"Good, we're good right?" he asked.

She nodded her head and she still had this sad, hurt look on her face.

"Mer, are you sure? You don't look too happy." He said.

"My mother said I was ordinary today. She said I didn't have what it took to be a great surgeon, that I was loosing everything I had worked for by being in love and happy with you. She was lucid for the first time in five years and yet she couldn't see how happy I was, or how in love I was. I kept trying to tell her, but she just…refused to see it. I'll never be enough for her, and who knows what will happen with her now. I just…I hate this. I hate having to be the only one to deal with her crap. I've had to do so much for her in the past five years, and I couldn't even enjoy her being lucid. I hated it. We've never had that mother daughter relationship most girls talk about, but I just…I thought she could be happy for me. She's only ever seen me as a disappointment." Meredith said softly as tears swam down her cheek bones.

"Oh Mer," Derek said softly, not knowing what else to say. Instead, he scooped her up and placed her in his lap and began to rock her back and fourth. They sat in silence a few moments as she let the tears escape and let it all out. Ever since Derek came along she had found it easier to let her walls down and work on things going on in her head.

"I love you," she said softly. That's all she knew anymore.

"Oh Mer, I love you too. So much. Your mother, she doesn't know what she missed out on. You are so extraordinary, so wonderful and so strong. She has missed all of that. You are amazing, and I love you. And I know that you are going to be the best mom, and my children are going to be damn lucky to have you as a mom." He told her.

"You think?" she asked wearily.

"I know," he said with a firm, loving tone so she would understand just how much he meant it.

"Thank you," she told him as she buried her head in the crook of his neck and breathed him in. Today had been crap, and he had made it better in the end.

"I yelled at her," Derek told her.

"What? Who?" Meredith asked confused.

"Your mother." He said.

"When?"

"When I went in for her consult. She was saying how I ruined you and how all I wanted was to be admired and that I didn't care for you at all. I just, I couldn't take it. I know you told me not to get personal, but she did and she just hit me in the wrong spots. I couldn't let her say those things about you or our relationship. I hated her saying that." He told her as he explained why he did it.

"Hey, I'm not mad. It's ok. I'm glad you stuck up for me. No one ever has." She told him.

"You shouldn't have to go through that, you shouldn't have when you were younger either. She never treated you right." He told her.

"No, but that's not going to change. You fixed me, all she did to me, you fixed. You've made me so happy and I am so glad to have you in my life." She told him as she looked up at him.

"Oh Mer, I'm the lucky one. I can't imagine my life without you." He told her.

"Can we go to bed now?" she asked him.

"Yeah, we can. You've had a tough day, we'll sleep." He told her.

"Ok, we can have make up sex in the morning." She told him.

"Deal, I love you Meredith Grey." He told her softly after they repositioned themselves with her on her side and him on his, and they joined in the middle, spooned together. He pulled her close and tight to his body, not allowing an inch of space between them. He needed to be close to her, to hold her all through the night.

"I love you, Derek Shepherd." She answered in return as she held his hand in her own, his warm skin covering her engagement ring.

It's short, but you guys requested an update, and there it is. Now, we are getting to an intense chapter next. You can guess what it is. I've started it, but I have to finish writing it and editing.

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