Chapter 32

Bella

Ashland, WI – February, 1921

It is difficult to calm Edward down when he arrives again at Ashland's hospital, but Bella is eventually able to extract from him the fact that Meg never reached Chicago. The news is devastating. Bella is sure that Edward's imagination has conjured a hundred tragic scenarios, so she keeps her fears to herself, which focus on two horrible possibilities – Meg's failing health or foul play. Is it terrible of Bella that she is praying Meg has collapsed en route and is lying somewhere in a hospital alone?

Edward is determined to drive back to Chicago and investigate, and this leaves Bella torn. She loves Meg, and the idea of Edward tearing off, possibly being confronted with his cousin's death, all alone – this is unacceptable. And yet – Esme's son is doing poorly; his breathing is distressingly irregular. Carlisle is walking the floors at a pace that is only marginally human. Can Bella really leave him here to deal with this alone?

"Isabella," Edward's whisper is gentle and pulls her back into the present. His warm palm cups her cheek and draws her into his embrace. He can be so perceptive at times, it's startling. "Stay. If the child dies…she will need you. They both will. I'll find Meg. It could be something ridiculous – she may have decided to go back to Lake Geneva rather than Chicago. She's probably holed up in a comfortable chair, reading all those novels you sent her." He doesn't believe this, but he's trying to make this decision easier for her, and Bella is nearly pulled under by the wave of love that crashes over her as a result of his enduring selflessness.

Bella clutches Edward tighter, mindful not to squeeze too tight, and then slowly releases him. "Hurry. The sooner you find her, the sooner you'll be back."

He flashes that ridiculous crooked grin that melts Bella's unbeating heart. "I'll ring you when I get there. Should I telephone the house?"

"No," she grimaces, and she can see that he too regrets their separation in these trying times. "No, ring the hospital. I don't think we will be home any time soon."

They kiss once and whisper words of love, and then he's gone.

Bella taps lightly on the hospital room door as she opens it, hoping not to disturb Esme if she's finally found some rest. The new mother's tired eyes reach for Bella's, however, so she enters silently and resumes her seat at Esme's side. The baby, Henry, is sleeping in his mother's arms, and two tiny fingers have sought escape from the swaddling blanket. Bella is not sure why, but this makes her smile.

"Something's wrong," Esme whispers, and Bella thinks at first that she means something new has happened with Henry, but then the inquisitiveness of Esme's face tells Bella that in spite of everything, this woman has room to offer compassion and concern for the cares of others. Bella wants to weep, but of course, that is impossible.

She nods instead. "Yes. Meg, Edward's cousin, is missing. She never returned to Chicago from attending our wedding. Edward is hoping that she's changed her mind, decided to return instead to Lake Geneva to convalesce, but…"again the possibilities of Meg being a victim to more than poor health settles in Bella's gut.

Horror washes over Esme's features. "But Carlisle drove her to the train station himself. Made sure she was taken care of. It's going to hurt him so much to think that something happened to her!" Her agitation is filling the room, making Henry squirm in response to her voice, so Bella sets aside her own fears and tries to calm Esme, downplaying her own anxiety. It does the trick, and Esme settles back down, patting Henry in a universal expression of comfort.

For a moment, this instinctively maternal act brings Bella back to her darkest period – memories she'd thought burned away in the fiery pain of venom. She sees the squalid little room she'd found, hears the endless cry of her own doomed child, feels the consuming sense of despair, praying he would just stop crying long enough to let her think clearly.

"Bella?" the timidity of Esme's voice breaks the eternally young woman from her unhappy thoughts. Esme blushes, and Bella realizes belatedly that Esme had adopted the familiar version of her name that Carlisle uses. Bella smiles to let her know she's welcome to it, and this seems to set her at ease. "Bella, is Henry going to live?"

"I don't know, Esme. I wish I could tell you for certain, but I can't. Carlisle has explained his concerns?"

Her act of nodding causes the tears that had been accumulating in the young mother's eyes to fall down her pale cheeks. Bella brushes them away as softly as she can, refusing to shy away when she sees the chill of her skin register in Esme's expression.

"I lost a child once, long ago." Bella waits to see if this confession will provoke the shock or outrage in Esme that would be typical in either woman's contemporaries, but her eyes just fill with more tears, and her hand clutches Bella's as though it might comfort or save them both. Bella takes a deep breath and forces herself onwards, "I'd let myself be compromised. A foolish thing to do. I was tossed out with nothing, no way to support myself. I did what I had to in order to survive. I was guilty, wretched, but that little babe was innocent. I still don't understand – can't comprehend how it was right for him to die…" Here Bella falters, fades into silence as she hears herself vocalize her deepest grievance for the first time ever.

As Bella looks up into Esme's face, even now expecting condemnation, all she sees is the devastation of understanding. This fact gives Bella the courage to speak the words that have never been spoken: "It was my fault. I should have been able to save him, but I couldn't. Didn't."

These two women cling to one another then, Bella crawling onto Esme's bed to hold her soul's sister close, Henry gently pressed between them as they commune in grief as only women can. Esme whispers in Bella's ear between sobs a broken account of her story, how she'd married because she felt she couldn't say no, how the kindness he'd presented had masked a simmering hostility and frustration, how drunken despair too often turned into slaps, punches, and threats of worse, how she had felt guilty for praying he'd perish in the war, and how he'd returned, but with a greater abyss of hurt and hatred, which he had taken out on her. When Esme had found herself pregnant, her worst fears realized, she'd been disillusioned when her parents had rejected her plea for help. Alone, Esme had fled, staying with relatives in Columbia, Ohio until her husband had come looking for her there, and then she'd realized that her old life was over. She'd cut all ties, reinvented herself as a war widow, and found work as a teacher in the backwoods of Wisconsin. And now…now Henry was so weak, so fragile, and she blamed herself, sure that she had failed him in some essential way. For what would she have, if she lost him?

Bella listens with dry eyes that belie the brokenness she feels in listening to this dear woman's tale. She cannot imagine the courage that Esme has summoned to make it this far. Bella rocks her and her child gently side to side, trying to communicate comfort to Esme just as she offered it to the babe. Bella cannot make promises, cannot offer her false hope, but she will stand with Esme, whatever comes, and that is the one thing no one did for Bella. Not until Carlisle.

Esme cries herself to sleep as they sit there in the quietness of heartbreak, embrace unbroken. Bella watches Henry's fragile breath pass in and out of his body, and she wants so many things that she cannot have.

"You can come in now," Bella says quietly, and watches as Carlisle opens the door silently. Bella's heart aches for him, knowing how it must have wounded him to overhear Esme's tale, loving her as he does. He stands just inside the room, gazing at these two amazing women whom he loves squeezed together on a tiny hospital bed and this little life sandwiched between them. He doesn't speak, just takes them in, a world of pain and adoration in his eyes.

The four of them remain in this peaceful tableau for some time, until Esme wakes, embarrassed to find Carlisle present, but also obviously comforted by his compassionate presence. Bella recognizes the look on Esme's face – the one that says she's screwing up her courage to say something important, and so Bella makes an excuse and gives them some privacy, even if she can hear the conversation as easily from the hallway as she can perched on the bed.

"Carlisle," is as far as Esme gets before she has to pause and regroup. Bella stands in the hallway, willing her friend extra helpings of strength and courage, confident that there is literally nothing that Esme can confess to this man that will diminish her in his eyes. "Carlisle," this time it's more determined, "I have not been completely forthcoming with you. But then, you've not been completely truthful with me." Bella sucks in a breath in surprise – this was not the direction she'd expected this conversation to go. Carlisle obviously begins to respond to Esme's gentle rebuke because the woman's tone becomes hurried, as though she's afraid to let him interrupt. "It's alright – you don't need to tell me now. I am simply acknowledging the situation for what it is. Carlisle, I believe you may have developed feelings for me, feelings that I ought not to have encouraged. I'm not a widow. I'm a woman who has run away from her lawful husband. A woman who has endangered her child and betrayed her wedding vows.

"I've taken advantage of your kindness, of the feelings of fondness that I flatter myself to believe you may possess. But, Carlisle, I have every intention of doing so one more time. Your eyes tell me that you love me, and it's because of that love that I'm asking you: save my child. You and Bella – I know that you're not… normal, you've got something magical about you, something supernatural. I'm not superstitious, but I feel this in my bones. You can do this, for me, please. You must save Henry."

Her words have leveled Bella, who can only imagine the devastation they've wrought on Carlisle. Bella slides down the wall, huddling near the door with her head resting on her knees. Not a very ladylike position, and she has already attracted some inquiring glances from the nurses bustling about, but she cannot move, does not even inhale as she waits to hear her brother's response. She just thinks, Where is Edward? I need him so.

"Esme…" all Carlisle's despair and adoration are encompassed in that name. Bella can hear him cross the room, settle himself in the seat she recently occupied at Esme's bedside. Bella imagines him taking Esme's hand, caressing it with his cold fingers that must only serve to confirm her speculation. "Esme Platt Evanson," at this gentle naming, a sob breaks free from the young woman, "you may not be a widow, but you are absolved of any guilt you may feel in the deceit you perpetrated. You were ill-used, my love, and did only what you had to do. The same cannot be said for my own duplicity. I've recognized you to be entirely trustworthy from the moment I saw you here in Ashland, but I've failed to honor the woman that you are with the truth that I carry, simply because I selfishly feared you would reject me. I preferred being near you under false circumstances over the possibility that, knowing the truth, you would find me repulsive. And now. Now, in your direst need, I fall at your feet, begging forgiveness because I love you, utterly, and yet I cannot do this thing that you ask of me. It lies outside my power to grant your request. With all my medical knowledge, with every enhanced sense I possess, I will fight for Henry's life, my dearest Esme, but beyond that, I have nothing to offer, nothing to give."

Bella listens to her friend's elevated heartbeat, notes that her breathing is becoming more erratic, and Bella wonders if she ought not to go back in, do something - anything.

But Esme's voice stops Bella.

"Please. Go." Those two words are crippling in their rejection, in the hopelessness they express.

Carlisle complies silently, and the two vampire siblings end up keeping a wordless vigil on the floor beside the rigidly closed door to Esme's hospital room. Bella holds his hand, but other than that, they inhabit separate spheres of suffering, but both wondering what good it is to possess such powers only to find themselves helpless to save the ones they love most in this world.

A/N: I suppose I envision this story as a bit of a bildungsroman - a coming of age story often associated with a physical journey paralleling the emotional maturation of the main character. This chapter is more about Bella's emotional journey - the "before" that she's only now facing and how that process is both necessary and excruciating for her. I hope you don't mind too much that it's light on action. Calm before the storm, really.

Continued praise and thanks to my pre-readers, miaokuancha and CindyWindy. Thanks too to you for continuing to read this little tale of mine. I welcome your feedback - what you liked, what you didn't - both are always welcome. blessings, jj