The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode III

Summary: The Real World, continued. Olivie Advent Day 3. A little late today, but still counts!

[Camera footage opens on Harry, Hermione, and Ron walking through a busy castle corridor.]

Ron: "What are the chances we actually get free time this year?"

Harry: [thinks, then nods decisively] "Real fucking low."

Ron: "But we've got all these free periods, though - "

Hermione: [exasperated] "Those are for studying - "

Harry: "Or for stalking Malfoy."

Ron: "No."

Harry: "Oh, come on."

Ron: "Let me rephrase - "

Harry: "Sure - "

Ron: "No thank you."

Neville, walking by: "PASS!"

Harry: [sighs] "Okay, but hear me out - "

Hermione: [interrupts] "For the hundredth time, those free periods are for studying!"

Ron: "Studying what, though?"

Hermione: [with a grimace] "Honestly, I'm sure something will come up. This all seems too convenient." [She gets distracted, seeing a first year with a Fanged Frisbee.] "Excuse me, these are banned!"

Ron: [gesturing] "Gimme." [under his breath to Hermione and Harry] "Been wanting one of these."

[Nearby, Lavender laughs uproariously. Camera cuts to Lavender interview.]

Lavender: [shrugging] "What? He's funny."

Parvati: [arms crossed] "No. He isn't."

Lavender: "Okay, but - "

Parvati: "Stop."

Lavender: "I really don't think that you're - "

Parvati: "No."

Lavender: "If you would just - "

Parvati: [flips desk] "NO!"

[Cuts to interview with Albus.]

Albus: "Look, so, I know Slughorn's not that great a potions instructor - "

Minerva: [looks startled at this] "What the fuck? Albus, you bollocky cockswallop - "

Albus: [continues, unfazed] " - and I know, technically, that he's at least partially to blame for Voldemort - "

Minerva: "Do you even hear yourself when you talk?"

Albus: [indignantly] "Minnie, am I really supposed to disqualify people simply because they may or may not have contributed to an evil wizard's meteoric rise to power?"

Minerva: [arms crossed and fuming, says nothing.]

Albus: "Who would even be left at that point - "

Minerva: [erupts] "You can't possibly be serious - "

Albus: [interrupts loudly] "But as I was saying, it's a small thing, really, in the grander scheme of forcing Harry to take potions." [clears throat] "For reasons that I have not yet made clear."

[There is a pause.]

Minerva: "Well?" [glares] "Do you plan to make them clear?"

Albus: "Yes."

[Another pause; Minerva waits expectantly.]

Albus: [looking surprised] "Oh, were you wanting to know now?"

Minerva: "That was sort of the idea, you twatwarbler."

Albus: "Well I can't now. I'm busy now. Oh, look, Harry!"

[Albus disappears. Minerva sighs and turns to face an incoming Harry and Ron.]

Minerva: "Potter, you'll have to take Potions."

Harry: [taken aback] "Why?"

Minerva: [bellows] "Don't argue with me, Potter - YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE - "

Harry: [frantically] "Okay, fuck, fine - I'm taking potions."

[Cuts to scene from Potions classroom; Harry is awarded the Felix Felicis.]

Hermione: [muttering to herself] "Oh fuck no."

Harry: [earnestly] "WHAT A SURPRISE! FORTUNE HATH SMILED UPON ME AND MY HUMBLE SOUL THIS DAY! MAGICAL MAPS AND CLOAKS OF INVISIBILITY AND BOOKS WITH ALL THE ANSWERS ALMOST NEVER SIMPLY FALL INTO MY LAP, UNBIDDEN - "

Theo: [sighs, rubbing his temple] "Yeah, this seems about right."

[Cuts to interview with Draco.]

Draco: [haughtily] "Oh, big surprise, despite years of absolute fucking incompetence Harry ball-gargling Potter is suddenly some kind of potions ingenue - "

Hermione: [bursts in] "LEE!"

Lee, off screen: "What the fuck now?"

Draco: [brings a hand to his chest in a show of aristocratic, falsely horrified dismay] "Granger, I beg your fucking pardon - "

Hermione: [ignoring him] "Did you see it? Did the camera get it?"

Lee, off screen: "Get what?"

Draco: [aghast] "Granger, do I look like a piece of furniture to you? Here I am, innocently attempting to wax poetic about Potter's failings in peace - "

Hermione: "He's cheating, Lee - that son of a - "

Draco: [interrupts] "GRANGER, MY VIRGIN EARS - "

Hermione: [steps in front of the camera speaking to Lee, who is somewhere behind it] "I just want to see if the world is actually seeing the truth, here - which is that despite the fact that I would literally die for Harry - "

Draco: [peeking out from behind her] "Just curious, where do I fall on the spectrum of people you would die for? No reason." [He pauses, laughing nervously] "Ah, not relevant, carry on - "

Hermione: " - he is cheating, he is abusing the system, he is taking instruction from a book - "

Lee, off screen: "Hermione, what the fuck do you want me to do about it?"

Hermione: [shouting back] "I want justice, Lee!"

Draco: "Do you want me to fight him? I'll do it. Not for you, obviously, seeing as you're a disgusting, perfect, loathsome ivory-skinned monster, but - "

Hermione: "What is the purpose of a show about real life if not to EXPOSE THE TRUTH - "

Lee, off screen: "Hermione, I really don't think you understand what we do here."

Hermione: [shouting back] "I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING!"

[She storms out; Draco looks sympathetically at the camera.]

Draco: "Ugh, isn't she the absolute worst? Isn't she absolutely the most disgusting, horrible, angel-faced disgrace of a human being you've ever seen?"

[Camera pans out to reveal Luna sitting on his right.]

Luna: "I don't think you mean that."

Draco: [jumps out of his seat] "How the fuck did you get here?"

Luna: "Hm? Me?"

Draco: [blinks, glances at the camera in confusion, and then looks back at her.] "Yes, you!"

Luna: "Oh, I thought you meant him."

[Camera pans out further to reveal Severus on Draco's left.]

Draco: [looks, then recoils in dismay] "Why?!"

Severus: "Hm?"

Luna: [vacantly] "Oh look, wrackspurts."

[Cuts to Pansy and Daphne interview.]

Daphne: "Marry Potter, fuck Granger, and kill Weasley." [Thinks] "Right?"

Pansy: [shrugs] "I say kill all three of them."

Daphne: [tsks disapprovingly] "Pans." [nudges her] "Come on."

Pansy: "Fine." [sighs in resignation] "Maybe fuck Weasley." [Straightens] I feel like he'd go down on you for like, fucking - hours, you know? Because he'd just be so grateful he'd just set up camp down there with some kind of breathing charm and just, fucking - go to town, you know?"

Daphne: "Ooh. That's true."

Interviewer: [interrupts gently] "Er, just as a reminder, the question was what your response was to Harry Potter's performance in Potions today."

Daphne: "Oh, we know."

Pansy: "We made it better."

a/n: Might be a bit late tomorrow as well or very early, depends. Absurdity continues.