(A/N: hey! So long chapter I guess for me, I was going to shorten it, but couldn't find a good cut off point. It started out waaaayyyy longer than this, like ten k, but i decided that was too long, so deleted it. Thanks for reviewing and whatever else you fine people do, like reading. lol. I'm pretty sure that his update is probably going to upset the majority of it's readers. Hell, it upset me and I was writing it! Let's just say that I'm glad I can safely upload this to the internet while remaining anonymous so that no one can attack me when they are finished reading this bad, bad, update. I think the characters are also glad that they are fictional, because many people have yelled at poor Elphie, who I personally am feeling quite sorry for. So, read and review and calm down before driving!)

5 months later

Fiyero walked as though his shoes were made of hard gold, he breathed as though his lungs had holes in them, he smiled as though he had cracks in his mouth, he laughed as though he didn't want to, and his eyes sparkled only because of the light, not because of his heart. When he walked down the halls, he brushed past anyone who said hello, when asked to go out with friends, he brushed them off, telling them not to ask him again. He didn't ever really smile, he didn't ever really laugh and he never really talked either.

In the beginning, things were alright, and Fiyero succeeded stupendously in acting like everything was just fine. But that was 5 months ago, and this was 5 months later and Fiyero was most certainly not okay.

5 months ago

"Yeah, I'll have a coffee, extra cream if you please." Fiyero offered a friendly smile. The girl behind the counter smiled back. He was dressed well, his hair perfectly perfect and his clothes newly washed.

"Sure thing!" she chirped. She handed him the coffee, "You have a nice day sir!"

"You too." Fiyero smiled.

Now

"One coffee," Fiyero growled at the lady behind the counter, "Black."

"Alrighty," she perked, "Would you like to try one of our-"

"No."

"Cream or-"

"No."

"Well-"

"Just get me the damn coffee." Fiyero threw everything he had in his pockets on the counter unceremoniously, coins rolling all over the place. He looked a mess. His hair was a tangled web of dirt and grime, he looked like a complete stoner, he hadn't shaved in a long time, leaving a not so attractive prickle on his face. His breath probably reeked and he knew his eyes were bloodshot. Every time someone looked at him nowadays they quickly walked away, whether it be a kid in the park or a girl at school.

"Mommy! That animal has rabbies!"

"That's not an animal sweetheart, let's just walk away! Hurry now!"

Fiyero snapped back to the present as the girl counted out his coins. She scooped them up with a cheery smile and gave him what was left. She set his coffee in front of him and he dumped his change in the bowl labeled 'Tips'.

4 months ago

"And so then we all just-" the group burst into laughter at the punch line. Personally, Fiyero didn't think it was all that funny, but he laughed along anyways, because he was perfectly fine…

Now

"And by that point-" Luca was telling a joke to the group and as he finished up, they all roared with laughter. Fiyero just scowled.

"That wasn't even fucking funny, don't you know the difference between funny and stupid?"
"Aw, fuck off Fiyero, you're such a killjoy these days! Just get out of here, no one wants to put up with your bull shit tonight. It doesn't matter how depressed you are, get over it, we're sick of it." a guy waved him off, taking a swig of beer.

"You guys are just a bunch of losers anyway, I don't know why I hang out with you." Fiyero got up, tossing his empty beer bottle on the table and leaving. The other guys watched the door swing shut behind him with dumb founded if not pissed off looks on their faces.

5 months ago

"Hey Elphaba, how's it going?" Fiyero smiled, taking a seat next to Elphaba and Andre in the cafeteria.

"Well," Elphaba smiled at him, kissing him lightly on the cheek, "You want to come to a little party at Andre's tonight? It won't be very many people. We've got foosball; I know how much you love that."

"Nothing I'd love more, I'll be by at eight," Fiyero smiled, he pointed at Andre, "And thanks man, for helping me fix my car."

"Oh it's nothing, hey maybe you can help me put together a new hood for mine." Andre suggested.

"Sure thing." Fiyero said enthusiastically. He quickly shoved a handful of chips in his mouth to hide his grimace. Ugh, he really wanted to punch that guy.

Now

"So, do you want to maybe go to the movies tomorrow with me and Shell and Galinda and….Caleb?" Elphaba asked him, biting her lip and looking at him hopefully as she took a seat next to him in the cafeteria. Fiyero turned to give her a dirty look. Caleb was her new boyfriend, and Fiyero didn't like him in the slightest.

"No," Fiyero said, in his 'that should've been obvious, stupid' voice, "I don't want to go to the fucking movies with you and your fucking boyfriend. Why the fuck would you ask me that?" Elphaba glared at him and stood up.

"You could've just said no, Fiyero." Elphaba shoved her chair in with a slam, making the table shake, "God, you're such a jerk. I was just trying to be nice because you're such a loser now, you don't even shave anymore, you've worn that shirt 5 days in a row and your hair looks like a pile of dog shit. Get a life." Fiyero could tell she was hurt, but he didn't really have the energy to care and he let her storm away without trying to stop her.

"Elphaba, I'm sorry." Fiyero said again. She ignored him, turning the page as though she'd read the previous one. Fiyero sighed, "Elphaba, I'm sorry." he said again. She scooted her chair away from his. Fiyero grabbed onto her chair and pulled it back to him. Elphaba jumped.

"What the-" Elphaba swatted his hands away as he pulled her chair even closer than it was before.

"I said I'm sorry." Fiyero looked into her eyes, making her uncomfortable. She squirmed and Fiyero put his hand on her shoulder, making her look back up at him, "Elphaba, I'm sorry."

"Ugh, fine," Elphaba huffed, crossing her arms, "You need to stop acting like that though."

"You got it." Fiyero said. Elphaba sighed, she'd only heard that promise a thousand times. Fiyero sighed in response to her sigh, already knowing what she was sighing about, "Look, come over tonight, we can watch a movie. I promise not to scowl or grouch or curse at you."

"Fine." Elphaba said reluctantly. There was a time when she would've agreed with a smile, and her heart would beat until night finally came. Now, she agreed reluctantly, knowing that the night would indeed not pass without him scowling, or cursing, not matter what he promised. But she supposed that was okay. Sometimes she liked it better when he cursed at her, because of he smiled, she would know she did not deserve that.

What a horrible girl. She must be the cruelest girl I've ever met. How can anyone ever love her? How did Avaric, how did Andre, how did Brian, and Teddy and every other poor man? How can they love her? How…can I? How can I love her so much? How do I smile whenever she's near? Why do I laugh, and talk? I should hate her, that awful girl. I should hate her with all my heart. But if I hate her…then who will I love? No one is like her…and because no one is like that awful girl, there is no one else I can love. I would rather love her with a shattered heart than hate her with a whole one.

Does she know? Does she know how much she is hurting me? Does she know that every day, I feel it's a struggle to get out of bed, to walk down the hall, to open a book, to pick up a pen…Of course she knows. That witch, how could she not know? She has broken enough hearts, why should she care about mine? Andre's heart is still broken for her, but not like mine. And Avaric, his heart was broken so long ago, and still is. He told me what she said to him when they broke up. She said. "Don't act like it hurts." and he said, "But what if it does?". Her answer: "Then it does, but don't act like it." So cruel, so awful. Doesn't she know how hard it is to cover up heartbreak like that?

It is when I remember these parts of her, that I wonder if she even has a heart, and if she does…what is it made of? Ice, ink, metal…or is it just inexistent? Maybe that is why I am giving her my heart, because she cannot find her own. She does not know how to love someone, and that must be her curse for breaking so many hearts.

Has her heart never broken before? Has she never felt the pain like this? It is better that she hasn't, I would never wish for her to endure this terrible pain. I wish every day that I had fallen in love with someone else. After every wretched day, drug through hell, I come home, and I cannot stop the single tear, I drink a beer to stop the rest. One tear, one drink. Usually I am drunk enough to forget everything for an hour or two.

But she loves me too. She doesn't know it, but I do. She thinks I do not know that what she tells me are secrets that no one else knows? She thinks I do not know that she only smiles like that…with me? She thinks that her eyes sparkle like that for everyone. Does she thinks that she blushes like that for everyone? Of course she does, because she does not even know herself. I saw the tears in her eyes when she thought our friendship had ended. In her horrible, beautiful eyes, I saw tears when she thought she'd lost me. How horrible is she…to fall in love with me, and not know it? How cruel is she to kiss another man in front of me? To hug him, to smile at him, to look at him? She is so cruel and so awful. The coldest girl I have ever met, also the most beautiful, the most wonderful. But I will let her. I will let her torture me as she has, I will endure this pain. I don't care that she will pound my heart with a rock until the day I die. As long as I am by her side, and as long as she is by mine, I will be okay. I will always follow her, with coals on my feet and shards of glass in my heart, because I love her, more than I should, more than she can bear…and more than I want to.

Elphaba's hands shook as she clutched the paper in her hands. She'd found it in Fiyero's room, crumpled next to the trash can. Her eyes filled more and more with tears the more she read until she couldn't see at all. Slowly, the tears ran down her face and she read the next paragraph. She could feel her whole body trembling now and her body shook terribly as silent tears slid down her face.

I am miserable when I see her, and miserable when I don't. My heart aches when she is here, and it aches when she is not. As long as I do not die, or as long as the Earth does not fold in on me, I will continue to be miserable. I will be miserable whether I see her or not, but I would rather be miserable seeing her. If I die, it will be she who kills me, but as I live, it is she who is saving me. I fucking hate irony.

The tears dripped down her face and off her chin and she struggled to breathe. This was what she had done to him. He was right, she was horrible, awful, wicked. Her fingers trembled as she brought them to her lips to try and keep quiet, knowing he was in the other room. She heard him coming out of the bathroom. As the door was opening, she grabbed the paper and fled, choking on a sob as she slammed the door behind her. She ran across the campus, her hair sticking to her wet face. It was a miracle that she had made it back to her dorm with those shaky legs. She collapsed against the door as soon as she was inside, gasping for breath. She struggled to pick up the paper with her shaky hands and it seemed to take her forever to flatten out the crumbled piece so that she could read the date. She prayed to every God she'd never believed in that he'd written it a long time ago, then she could tell herself that he did not feel this way anymore, that he was better. Finally the paper was flat and she looked at the date, holding her breath. A chocked cry ripped itself from her throat and tears seemed to burst from her eyes as she clutched the crystal around her neck that she wore every day, tucked beneath her shirt. The crystal Fiyero had given her when he was seven, the one she thought she'd lost. She'd found it a few months ago, covered in dust underneath her desk. She'd worn it secretly beneath her clothes ever since. Now she clenched it tight enough so that the edges might cut through her skin. And she pounded her chest, to keep her heart beating, to lift the tightness around it. He'd written the entry that afternoon.

Fiyero heard his door slam and a quick onceover found Elphaba gone. He quickly grabbed a jacket and made his way to her dorm. As he raised his hand to knock, he heard a terrible cry from inside. A cry that turned into heart wrenching sobs.

"Elphaba!" Fiyero yelled urgently, "Open the door!" she didn't respond and all Fiyero could do was keep yelling, "Elphaba! Elphaba!" her name over and over, his own tears streaming down his face as he listened to hers, "Open the door! Elphaba! Elphaba!"

She continued to ignore him, clutching the crystal to her chest, the crystal that might represent Fiyero's heart, just a small piece. That was all she could take from him. Just a small piece. He should take the rest back. Wasn't it selfish of her, to want to keep only a piece, and leave the rest in broken shards? What did she have to give to him? How could she take this piece, and give him nothing? He was right, she did not know how to love someone. With a choked sob, Elphaba dropped the crystal, which was spotted with blood now from her hand from how tightly she'd been holding it. Fiyero was on the other side of the door calling her name, over and over, pounding on the door and shaking it. She could hear his tears. She cried harder, grateful that Galinda was gone for the night at Shell's and grateful that there was a door between her and Fiyero. Finally she fell asleep against her side of the door, and Fiyero fell asleep against her door in the hall, both with tears on their faces and with hoarse throats from broken cries.

Elphaba's eyes slowly opened, finding her face pressed against the floor, where she had fallen asleep by the door. She could feel how stiff her face was from crying, as though she'd cried cement and not water. She still felt exhausted and her eyesight was blurry, the sunlight from the window hurting. Slowly, her eyes focused on the crystal a few inches away from her eyes. She saw the blood spotted on it and she shakily brought her own hand to her face, small scars scratched into the skin. Slowly she turned around and reached up to grasp the doorknob. She opened the door a small crack, to see Fiyero still laying there, sleeping, tear tracks on his face. Elphaba quickly closed the door again, quietly. She lay back down on the floor, pressing her cheek against the cold wood. She reached for the crystal, clutching it to her heart again as a few tears escaped the corners of her eyes silently. She quickly put the crystal back around her neck and tucked it under her shirt. She crawled across the floor and grabbed her schoolbag, gripping the desk as she tried to stand up, her legs still weak from her exhausting cries. She quietly opening the door again and stepped over Fiyero, heading to class, clutching onto the walls so that she could make her shaky legs walk straight.

It was still very early in the morning, and the campus was deserted and Elphaba could still see the morning dew on the grass. The lecture hall was completely empty and her steps echoed loudly through the tall halls. She made her way into the girl's restroom and leaned heavily on the sink. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and groaned. Her hair was a mess, her eyes red and puffy, her cheeks tear stained and her clothes wrinkled and messy. She reached for the sink, it took several moments for her to grasp the knob and run the cold water. She splashed it onto her face, washing away the tears. She pulled her hair back so that it looked at least a little presentable and she tried to straighten some of the wrinkles in her clothes. She spent the next 30 minutes on the floor, against the bathroom wall, staring into space as she tried not to think.

When she finally managed to make it out of the bathroom, there were still at least 2 hours until classes started. Elphaba had managed to pull herself together, so that she could at least walk straight and so that she would not cry at every thought. She walked to her first class of the day, it was in a large lecture hall. She pushed open the doors and walked in, the empty hall was comforting to her, the complete silence calmed her. But it wasn't empty. As she began to climb the risers, she saw Fiyero, staring at her from his seat on the far left.

"What are you doing here so early?" Elphaba asked, her eyes cold as she remembered the entry. What a horrible girl. She must be the cruelest girl I've ever met. How can anyone love her?... How… can I?

"What happened last night?" Fiyero asked, wondering why her eyes were so cold, why she looked at him with hate. Now matter how awful he was too her these recent weeks, she'd never looked at him like that. She didn't say anything, she didn't move, just stared straight ahead, not looking at him. Fiyero tried again, "What happened? Why were you crying?" no answer, "Why did you run away from me?" silence, "Why would you not open the door?" Fiyero got more frustrated with each question as she stared forward, silent. Fiyero stood up, "Are you listening to me? Why didn't you open the door?" Elphaba stared forward silently. Fiyero's hand fisted, "Hey! I said are you listening to me? How can you ignore me when I spent the whole night, listening to you cry, sleeping outside your room? You are horrible Elphaba. How can you not open the door for someone, when they are calling out to you?" Elphaba felt her eyes fill with water slowly. It is when I remember these parts of her, that I wonder if she even has a heart…She swallowed and tried not to blink, to keep the tears in.

"Do not give your heart to me Fiyero," she turned to look at him, "And if you already have, take it back."

"Too late." Fiyero said, angrily.

"If you don't take it back, I will throw it away and forget about it. I don't want it. I don't care about it, I can throw it away and I can walk away without feeling anything." Fiyero's mouth gaped open at her words. "You probably are wondering if I have a heart now." Elphaba smirked coldly. …that I wonder if she even has a heart…, "If I do," Elphaba stared at him, her cold eyes, so different than the warm ones Fiyero was used to, "I would never give it to you. If you don't take it back, the only thing to come of that is pain. You will feel the pain, and I will feel nothing."

"How can you say something like that?" Fiyero's eyes widened, he'd never heard her voice so cold, never seen her eyes so heartless. Has her heart never been broken? "How can you be so cold to me? When just yesterday, we were watching a movie together…laughing? I know that I've been really awful to you lately, and I'm sorry, but you've never reacted like this! Why are you acting like you have no heart? Has it been broken?" Fiyero stepped forward to her, "What has broken your heart that you are acting like this?"

Elphaba stepped away from him as he stepped to her. His words had caught her off guard. Had her heart been broken? What was happening to her? She could not look at him anymore, knowing that everything she did would make him miserable. Nothing she did would keep his misery away. I would rather love her with a broken heart, than hate her with a whole one. No, he was being a fool. It should feel better for him to hate her.

"It is okay if you hate me." Elphaba said, staring forward blankly, "It would be better that way."

"Is that what you're trying to do? Are you trying to get me to hate you? Elphaba…what did you see?" Fiyero asked, "What did you hear, what did you read, what happened to make you think this way?" Elphaba said nothing, as she dropped the crumpled paper in her hand on the floor. Fiyero slowly bent to pick it up and he recognized his own handwriting, he'd written this only yesterday.

"This?" Fiyero choked on his word, looking up at her, "This is what broke your heart?" Elphaba didn't say anything, staring forward as he spoke. Fiyero stepped forward and grabbed her arm, "Is this it Elphaba? Is this what has made you so cold?"

"Let go."

"Won't you answer a question when someone asks you one?" Fiyero yelled. Elphaba was silent as she ripped her arm out of his grip. Fiyero sighed, "Look, I'm sorry for being a jerk, and I'm sorry you read this, but I don't understand how you thought I felt. I've only explained to you a million times how much I love you."

"You never explained it like that." Elphaba said, referring to the entry.

"I never explained it like that because I didn't want something like this to happen." Fiyero sat down frustrated, hands raking through his hair, "I thought we were getting somewhere. We were becoming friends again. I thought we could be at least that." Elphaba was silent. Fiyero's frustration grew, "So because you've read this…you'll hate me now? You really are horrible…" he sighed, "Don't you know I'm miserable without you?"

"And you're miserable with me. I torture you," Elphaba whispered, "You said so yourself."

"You do torture me." Fiyero said, "But no matter how much I would like to, I can't take back my heart Elphaba and no matter how much you resent keeping it, it's yours now."

"Take it back, or I'll rip it to shreds!" Elphaba yelled suddenly, eyes shining with tears as she finally turned to face him, "And then you'll be like me and you'll have no heart! Do you want that, huh?" Fiyero heard her sniffle quietly. He blinked and she was already gone, the door slamming shut behind her.

I'll fix tihis, I swear I will!