Chapter 38 – Not Nothing At All.

"I'm thinking about going back to Rochester for the hearing on the civil case," I say into a brief lull in the conversation around the breakfast table. "Dad and the lawyer want me to give a victim impact statement, and I'm thinking maybe I might want to."

I don't think the reaction could be more stunned if I'd just lunged across the table and stabbed someone with my fork. Six sets of eyes stare at me in shock as I methodically take a bite of my peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwich and chew it slowly, concentrating on keeping calm. "Kari thinks it could be a good idea," I add.

"Are you sure?" Jasper asks bluntly.

I look across at him with a slightly unsteady smile. "No, I'm not sure at all!" I confess. "But it might be a chance to stand up and have what they did acknowledged."

I risk a glance at Alice and Edward, who I've never talked to openly about what happened. A big part of me still doesn't want to, but if I can't talk about it here, in a place where I know I'm safe and where I belong, how will I ever be able to do so in front of strangers? I take a deep breath and say quietly, "I don't know how much you know. But when I was assaulted I was raped. It was my boyfriend at the time and his friends who did it, and you know a lot of the injures they caused- the broken bones, the fractured skull, the ruptured spleen…but I was also pregnant at the time. The assault forced a miscarriage and then I haemorrhaged and they had to do an emergency hysterectomy, so now I can't have babies anymore." By the time I'm finished my voice is barely audible and my stomach is so clenched with nerves that I feel as though I might vomit on the table, but I also feel a flash of triumph. I did it. I told them. I'm strong enough now to do this.

"Oh my god Rosalie, I'm so sorry!" Alice looks truly distressed. "That's horrible!"

Edward murmurs his agreement with her. He looks half embarrassed to know such intimate details about me, but my regard for him increases as he meets my eyes squarely and says that he's sorry it happened.

"What will you do in court?" Alice asks.

I shrug. "I have to talk about it more with Kari. But I think I just have to stand up and say what they did to me and how it's impacted my life." I swallow hard. "I can tell the judge about my baby."

"We're proud of you for even considering it," Carlisle says. "It won't be easy, but I know that a lot people find it gives them a sense of empowerment or even closure."

"That's what Kari says," I say around the last mouthful of my breakfast sandwich. I look at Carlisle uncertainly. "I don't know if I will really be able to do it when it comes down to it," I admit. "But Kari said if I have something written down someone else will be able to read it out for me in court."

"You know it's possible that Royce might be there in court?" Carlisle says quietly. "I've spoken to your father about the case because I've organised the medical reports for him and have been very clear with him that you need to make the decision on how much participation you're comfortable with, and he told me that with the amount of money that's on the line here the department of corrections may well let him out of prison to attend."

I stare at him blankly. It has never occurred to me that Royce might be there and that I might have to look at him. "Really?" My voice is very small. "I didn't know that."

"He won't be allowed to speak to you or intimidate you in any way," Carlisle tells me gently. "But you need to be prepared for the possibility that he may be there."

I nod silently. My mind shies away from the very idea of Royce now, just thinking about him raises up the image of the figure of terror from my nightmares…but maybe seeing him will help that. Because he's a man, not the giant and unstoppable monster from my dreams, and maybe if I could see him that way again it would help me send the dreams away.

It's my turn to pack the dishwasher and tidy up the table after breakfast. Alice helps me, seeming more hyperactive than usual with her jumping around and endless chattering. Eventually, as I wipe the empty table, I can't stand her babbling anymore.

"Alice," I say, "Just stop." I toss the dishcloth towards the sink and turn towards her.

She looks at me in the sudden silence, and her lip trembles. "I'm sorry about your baby," she says softly. "That's all I wanted to say really, but I didn't know how to bring it up. I'm sorry about the baby…and I hope you do go to this civil case and give him hell!" she bursts out passionately.

I half laugh and half sob. "Thank you. It's so hard to talk about, because no one seems to understand…you're not supposed to want a baby when you're seventeen. And to be honest I didn't really want her when I first knew she was there! But I was going to make it work, and I loved her and…she's gone."

Tears are shining in Alice's eyes. "It must have been so awful."

I shrug. "It was. But at least you know now why I'm such an emotional basket case. Rape and beatings and losing babies will do that to you, you know."

Alice gives a sudden giggle, and then claps her hand across her mouth looking guilty. "I'm sorry," she says to me, squirming. "But honestly, I was just thinking that knowing what happened makes you seem much LESS of a basket case…truly, if it had been me I would probably be in a straightjacket and you've just gone on with your life and you're going to be all badass and confront him! You're stronger than I am."

I shake my head. "No, I'm not," I say quietly. "I'm just an ordinary person Alice, just dealing with what has come my way like everyone does. What came my way was horrible, but that doesn't make me a better or stronger person than anyone else would be…you cope with what you have to, and you never know how much you can handle until it's there and you try."

"You've done well though, Rose." It's Jasper, lounging in the doorway to the living room and looking at me steadily. "I'm really impressed that you're even thinking about going back…I couldn't do it."

"You could," I say, but Jasper shakes his head.

"No," he says quietly. "I really couldn't…I can't." His face is stricken, and his eyes are shadowed with guilt. "You know I've seen Kari a few times too?"

I'm shocked. "No. I had no idea."

This is obviously not news to Alice, because instead of surprise she just smiles sweetly at Jasper and gives him a hug. "I'll leave you to talk," she says, and disappears into the other room.

I sit down at the table, still staring at Jasper, and a moment later he sits down beside me, stretching out his legs. "Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.

He shrugs, staring out the window. "I didn't want to give you more to deal with," he says at last.

"What do you talk about?" I stretch my legs out too- they're not quite as long as Jasper's but they come close – and stare out the window too, so he doesn't have to look at me while he talks.

Jasper hesitates. "What happened to you," he says finally. "What it was like for me."

Oh, Jasper. My heart catches, and I shift my chair nearer to him, until I'm close enough that I can lean against his arm and rest my head on his shoulder.

"I know that compared to what you went through, what I went through was nothing," Jasper's voice is low. "But that doesn't mean it was nothing at all…do you know what I mean?"

I nod, and a moment later Jasper starts talking, slow and halting. "I've had a hard time dealing with a lot of things…I think about it all the time. About dad and I getting that call in the middle of the night to say that you were in surgery and it was critical and we'd better get down to the hospital right away. Then finding out what they'd done to you, seeing what they'd done to you…finding out about the baby. Seeing you when you were just shattered, mind and body…that was so hard."

Jasper stops and takes a breath and I lay my hand on his thigh with my palm up until he takes it, and we grip hands in a way that's almost too tight as he continues. "I couldn't stop thinking about everything- about the way you looked when I told you that the baby was gone, about the way your voice was when you told the police all the details about what happened." Jasper shudders. "And because Dad's so hopeless and Mom is gone I had to be the one to take care of you when you came home…and god, I would do it all again in a second Rosie, you know I'd do anything for you, but it wasn't easy to do."

I remember in odd, disjointed flashes of memory the days immediately following my attack when Jasper was always by my side. I remember the way he stayed when I spoke to the police, silently holding my hand as my hoarse, cracked voice detailed all that horror, not leaving my side until I felt safe enough to let him. When I was discharged he looked after me at home, getting me anything I needed and helping me with all those small things that broken ribs and arms made difficult. I haven't thought about it since it happened, but I remember that when the bite mark became infected and turned into an abscess Jasper was the one who changed the dressings when it made me throw up. He did all of that without a murmur, and suddenly I think about what a burden it must have been for him.

"You were so good to me," I say unsteadily.

"You would have done the same for me. And I wanted to do it, I wanted to do anything I could to make things better. You know how we've always looked out for each other…with Mom being sick for so many years and then dying when she did, and Dad being the way he is, you and I have always been closer to each other than most brothers and sisters I think. I just wanted to make things better for you. But as time went on and you kept having nightmares and were so unhappy and angry and your whole life changed I started realising that maybe it wasn't ever going to get better. I felt so guilty about it. All I could think about was that I should have been there, should have done something so that it didn't happen."

"You couldn't have done anything," I whisper.

Jasper moves restlessly. "I couldn't stop playing everything over in my mind. I had never liked Royce, although I admit I didn't think he'd turn out to be a complete fucking sociopath! He was always an arrogant ass though, and when you started going out with him I thought you'd see him for what he was and dump him pretty quick. So I didn't say anything then, and before I knew it he was in your bed and messing up your head and I still didn't say anything…"

"I wouldn't have listened to you," I break in. "Really, nothing anyone could have said back then would have changed my mind about Royce. Vera tried a couple of times…I was a little more honest with her than most people about what went on with Royce and she was concerned. She tried to tell me that it wasn't good and I just about bit her head off. I even avoided her for a while after that." I make a face as I remember how shamefully I treated a friend who had only being trying to help me. "Truly Jasper, you mustn't even think about that anymore…you know how pig headed I can be, and I would never have broken up with Royce just because you told me you didn't like him!"

Jasper doesn't smile. "Probably not. But I couldn't forgive myself for not even trying, not given what happened."

"So how did you end up with Kari?" I ask.

"I didn't really have anyone to talk to," Jasper tells me. "Alice and I have been getting pretty close but she didn't know what happened so I could only talk about it in vague terms. I talked to Carlisle a bit." Japer looks vaguely embarrassed. "I got pretty upset one day and he suggested going to see Kari…I thought it couldn't hurt."

"Has it helped?" I ask.

"Yeah, she's pretty good," Jasper admits. He looks at me keenly. "I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to feel responsible for my feelings."

I shrug helplessly. "Of course I do…but I also know that it's not exactly my fault that we're all in this mess." For a long time we're both quiet, before I say hesitantly, "It's one of the reasons I want to go to the hearing and make this impact statement- this ongoing ripple effect of what happened. The impact has been so much more than what Carlisle can write in a medical report. It's not just all the broken bones and the dead baby- it's that you've been traumatised too and had to give up your senior year at home to come here with me; it's that I lost all my friends and I'm always afraid and I'm never going to have a simple relationship with a man again. Emmett is amazing, but it's still hard sometimes. We shouldn't have to have a conversation about the fact that I will never be able to give him a baby. I should be able to fool around with him when I want to without nearly biting his cock off because he accidently touches me wrong."

"Eww, bit too much info there!" Jasper makes a face, and I giggle a little hysterically.

"Sorry!"

Jasper shakes his head, but the look in his eyes is kind as he says, "I was wrong about you and Emmett. Sometimes you DO know what's good for you…and he's good for you." He hesitates for a moment and then says quietly, "Have you thought about him going to Oregon State next year? What that will mean for you?"

I rest my head on his shoulder again and stare out the window. "I don't know. I don't know what I'll be doing next year…I know I have to work something out. But it won't be affected by what Emmett's doing. I know that I can't do that, I can't rely on him for something he might not be able to give me…or something I might not want him to give me a year from now." I can feel the blush heating my face as I say, "But I'm kind of crazy in love with him Jas."

Jasper hugs me, and spontaneously I hug him back. "I love you Rosie," he mutters. "Whatever has happened, whatever will happen…there's always going to be that."