Reflections Chapter 37 - The Offer, a castle fanfic

A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 37 – The Offer

It felt like spring had arrived a week early, Jim thought to himself. There was a warmth to the air that made it comfortable enough to sit at an outdoor table of a café with Johanna and Jeff. Jeff was a guest who had been added at the last minute as his plans had fallen through with Maggie. Any other time, Jim might've minded the intrusion a little; after all he had intended to share his lunch break with Johanna…and only Johanna but maybe it was better this way. He could have the attention of both of them at once and wouldn't have to do this twice.

But not having to do it twice didn't keep him from debating whether he should bring up the phone call he had received or not. Finally he decided to broach it; wanting to see what his friends thought of the offer.

"Do you remember Lyle Frasier?" Jim asked; his gaze catching Johanna's.

Johanna swallowed the bite of her salad she had taken and nodded. "The attorney from the Walker case?" she asked to be sure.

"That's him; he called me yesterday just before I left the office."

She grinned. "For what? To tell you he's still mad that he lost?"

Jim chuckled. "No; he's not mad...anymore. Actually, I seem to have impressed him."

"Are we getting conceited now?" she teased.

"No; not at all."

"Didn't you work the Walker case with him, Sassy?" Jeff asked. "Isn't that the one you went to Albany for?"

"Yes."

Jeff grinned at her. "Sounds like Jim's hogging the credit for that victory with all his talk of impressing people."

"I know," she laughed. "I'm getting overlooked. I guess I couldn't hope to impress with Jim sitting there shining so brightly."

"You're cute, Jo," Jim smirked.

"I try to be," she quipped. "Now what did Frasier want?"

"He offered me a job," he announced.

The smile slowly slid from her face, her heart constricting. "A job? What kind of job?"

"With his law firm...in Chicago."

"Chicago!" she and Jeff both exclaimed.

"Yeah; Chicago," he replied.

Suddenly, Johanna felt sick and she discreetly pushed away her salad. "It's a great opportunity," Jim went on; explaining the things Frasier had outlined. "And he's offering more money than I'm getting here."

"It's not like you're pauper here, Jim," Jeff commented.

"I know that," he replied; "But I'd be a fool not to consider it. The money is great but it would also be a good career move. There are perks too, bonuses, paid leaves, usage of the company plane, a corner office with a view of the city, among other things."

"Chicago?" Johanna uttered again; her heart giving a painful throb.

He nodded. "Chicago."

Johanna and Jeff shared a glance; and Jeff could swear that he saw her heart being ripped apart. Truth be told, he wasn't all that big on the idea of losing his best friend. "You wouldn't really leave New York, would you?" he asked.

Jim shrugged. "I could."

"You don't want to go to Chicago," Johanna told him.

"Why not?"

"Because...it's windy there," she replied as she struggled to come up with a viable reason. A spring breeze blew across the table, making napkins flutter and ruffling her hair.

"It gets windy here too," he laughed.

"What about your family?" Jeff asked. "You'd really go off and leave your family...as close as you are to your father?"

"I think I'd be allowed to visit. Or they can come visit me; it isn't like I'm turning my back on them and would never see them again."

This didn't sound good at all, Johanna thought and her expression looked stricken as she contemplated the thought of him leaving. "Why do the two of you keep looking at me that way?" Jim asked as he gestured towards their faces.

"Because it feels like you're breaking up with us," Jeff remarked as he dropped an arm around Johanna's shoulders in effort to give her some quiet comfort.

"Breaking up with you?" Jim said lightly.

Jeff nodded. "Feels that way to me; what do you think, Sassy?"

She swallowed back a lump in her throat and nodded. "Feels that way to me too," she admitted.

Their friend laughed. "You two are being ridiculous."

"Are we?" she asked. "Are you seriously considering this?"

"Of course I'm considering it," he told them. "Why shouldn't I? It's a great opportunity."

"Because, Chicago has nothing to offer you," Jeff told him.

"It doesn't?"

"No; You have a job here, your family is here, we're here," Jeff told him.

"Yeah, what about us?" Johanna asked; a touch of emotion present in her voice.

"What about you?"

She looked like she had been slapped and Jim regretted his choice of words. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded," he said hurriedly. "Taking this job wouldn't change anything other than my address. I'm not turning my back on anyone. I'd stay in touch, I'd visit."

She scoffed. "Yeah right. You'd be too busy to stay in touch. I...we'd never see you again."

"That's not true, Jo."

"Yes it is," she retorted; "And you know it. Jeff's right, you have everything you need right here in New York. Why would you want to run off to Chicago...that's half way across the country?"

"I didn't say for sure that I was going."

"You act like it," Jeff commented.

"I'm just thinking about it; and if I knew the two of you were going to act this way, I would've kept it to myself," Jim remarked. "I have to give Frasier my decision by Sunday."

"Well did you think we were going to jump for joy that you might be leaving?" Jeff asked. "I know it's hard to believe but we do like having you around. I mean people do care about you, you know," he said, his gaze darting subtly at Johanna in hopes that Jim would get his point.

"I know you both care; that's why I told the two of you before anyone else. I thought you might be happy for me that someone made me an offer."

"I'm happy for you," his best friend remarked. "I just find it hard to believe that you're seriously considering taking a job that's halfway across the country."

He was going to leave, Johanna thought to herself as the voices of the two men buzzed around her. He was going to leave her... and she didn't know if she could bear it. She felt the sting of tears and the need to flee. She took one last sip of her drink and grabbed her purse. "I have to go," she murmured.

"Where?" Jim asked. "You said you didn't have anything scheduled until two."

"I need to go over some things," she answered. "Thanks for lunch, I'll see you later."

"But, Jo; I drove you here," he told her.

"I'll take a cab back to the office."

"You didn't even finish your lunch," Jim argued.

"I'm not hungry," Johanna replied. "I'll see you later."

Jeff shot a look at his friend and rose from his chair. "I'll help you hail a cab, Sassy."

"He won't go," Jeff told her once they were out of ear shot.

"I'm not so sure about that," she murmured. "It does sound like a great opportunity."

"It might be a great opportunity but New York has something Chicago doesn't."

"What?" she asked.

"You," Jeff told her as he caught sight of the tears glimmering in her eyes that she was trying to hide.

"And what do I matter?" she asked.

Jeff hailed a cab for her and as it approached, he looked her in the eye. "He loves you," he answered. "He might not want to admit it yet but he does...and he won't leave you, Sassy."

"Yeah, well, I don't know about any of that," she replied as he opened the door of the cab for her.

"I do," Jeff insisted. "It'll be okay."

"What if it isn't?" she asked.

"Then I'll get him drunk and put him in the trunk of my car and drive him to an undisclosed location where we will beat some sense into him."

She gave him a wobbly smile. "That sounds like fun."

Jeff nodded. "It would be; but don't you worry, he'll forget about this job offer. It'll be okay."

She climbed into the back of the back of the cab and told him goodbye. She wasn't so sure that Jim would stay, it sounded like his mind was already made up to take the job. As the cab pulled away from the curb, she allowed her tears to fall.

Jeff watched the taxi drive off and then walked back to his best friend. "You're going to break her heart," he stated as he sat back down across from Jim.

"What are you talking about?" Jim asked.

"She loves you, you jackass and if you go to Chicago, you'll rip her heart out...and I don't know if I can forgive you for that."

"I didn't say I was going for sure; and if I did; I wouldn't let it come between me and Johanna."

Jeff scoffed. "Yeah; because long distance relationships are so easy to maintain. You'll forget about her…you'll forget about all of us and that will be the end of it. You'll have your new life and we'll all be here living ours."

"Have you been watching soap operas with Maggie again? You sound a little dramatic."

His friend frowned at him. "No; but I just watched you rip Johanna's heart out and that kind of sets a dramatic pallor. You'll have to overlook it."

"I shouldn't have said anything," Jim replied. "I should've just kept it to myself."

The other man nodded. "Yeah; it would've been better to tell us the day you clean out your desk; that way you can leave right away instead of having to see and listen to the so called dramatics of your friends and family who think you ought to take a good look at what you do have before you go off chasing something that isn't guaranteed to make you happy."

"Thanks for the support, Jeff. I appreciate it."

"Hey; if this job is what you really want; then I'll support you…I can't say I'll be happy to lose my best friend but I'll support you no matter what. It's just that I hate to see you throw away the happiness you could have here with Johanna."

"This isn't about Johanna."

Jeff gave a short laugh. "Buddy, everything in your life is about Johanna in one way or another lately. You know it, I know it…and she knows it too. That's why she ran out of here. You're sitting there sounding like you already have your bags packed and her heart's breaking because she sees it all being over."

"It's not over," Jim said firmly. "I didn't say I was taking the job; I'm just considering it and no matter what, nothing will be over so quit trying to guilt trip me."

"I wasn't trying to guilt trip you," he replied; "But maybe we should change the subject…because if we don't, I'm going to keep providing reasons for you to stay in New York."

"Consider the subject changed," Jim remarked. "Did you catch the game last night?"

Jeff blew out a breath and answered the question; launching into a discussion about the basketball game from the night before, but the whole time he was thinking about what a long week it was going to be…and the possible upheaval at the end of it.

Sharon was biding her time as the last few minutes of the work day ticked away. When Johanna had come back from lunch early, her eyes red as if she had been crying and a stricken expression on her face, she knew that something had gone horribly wrong. She had asked what was wrong but her friend had only murmured 'later' and took sanctuary in her office.

She figured later was here and with that thought in mind, Sharon rose from her desk and approached the door of the inner office. She opened it quietly and slipped inside. Johanna was leaning against the window frame, staring out at the city. "Jo," she said as moved to stand at the window with her.

"Phil's probably waiting on you," Johanna replied softly.

"I told him I'd be late and that I'd share a cab with you. Are you ready to tell me what's wrong?"

She sighed deeply. "Jim has been offered a job in Chicago…he's thinking about taking it."

"What?" Sharon said in surprise. "Did he apply for this job? How did this happen?"

"The opposing attorney on the Walker case was a man named Lyle Frasier. Frasier is a partner in a big firm in Chicago. He was impressed with Jim's work and he's offering him a job there. More money, perks, a nice office; you know, the usual song and dance."

"He's really considering this?"

She nodded. "The way he was acting at lunch, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't already have his bags packed."

Sharon could feel Johanna's heart breaking just as easily as she could see the quiver of her chin and the way her throat constricted to hold back the tears that were glimmering in her eyes. "Maybe it's just the excitement of the offer making it seem that way. Once he really thinks it through he'll turn it down."

"I'm not so sure about that," she whispered. "It's a good opportunity and he seems so excited about it…and I just had to get up and leave because I couldn't stand it. All I could think about was that he was leaving me."

"How long does he have to make up his mind?"

"He has to let them know by Sunday."

"Then there's plenty of time for him to make the decision to stay," Sharon replied.

"What if he doesn't?" she whispered.

"He will."

"I think he wants to go…and there's nothing I can do about it."

"You could ask him to stay," Sharon suggested.

"I don't have any right to do that. If it's what he wants and it's going to make him happy, then it isn't right for me to stand in the way."

"It wouldn't be standing in the way; it would be pointing out his options."

"Every time things start going good, something has to go wrong," Johanna remarked quietly. "I thought we were making progress...I thought we were inching closer to that 'one day' that we talked about in North Carolina. But now there's this offer...and 'one day' feels like it's in jeopardy."

Her friend shook her head. "I wouldn't give up hope just yet."

Johanna scoffed. "You didn't hear the way he talked about it. You know, there are just some people who are born to be fools and I think I'm one of them."

"Why do you say that?"

She smiled somewhat sadly. "Because I keep believing in fairy tales, Sharon. There's no prince on a white horse...and maybe there's no magical 'one day' either. It sure didn't look like he was thinking about anything but that big paycheck and the perks to go with it. He isn't thinking about the one day that I thought we had an understanding about...so what does that say about us?"

"Jo; you know how men are," Sharon said as she leaned her shoulder against the window frame, mirroring her friend's position. "It takes them longer to think about the important things."

She laughed softly but it lacked humor. "Yeah, I know how men are. Men lie, men leave, men don't love you the way you think they do. I know all about men...and I'm reminded of why, despite everything I want out of life, I hate to get attached to one of them. It always ends badly."

"I wouldn't say that," Sharon replied. "Some of them you didn't give much of a chance; there have been times when you've ended things before they could get too serious or have a chance of going anywhere."

"If I end things it's because it isn't working out," Johanna remarked.

Her friend gave a shake of her head. "No; I think you just get scared. Like that one guy, what was his name? Todd? You met him in the college library during our last semester. He was a nice guy and he really liked you...but it started to get serious and you just ended it. That guy begged me to tell him what he did wrong; how he could get you to change your mind. I couldn't help him because I didn't understand it myself."

"It just wasn't working and I didn't need a serious relationship at that time. I needed to focus on school."

"Okay; what about the guys you've gone out with a few times and then that's it? You slam on the brakes and you hold back until they end it, or again, you end it."

"This isn't about any of them," Johanna remarked.

"I know; it's about Cade," Sharon remarked.

Anger flicked across Johanna's features. "This has nothing to do with Cade! This is about Jim. Why do you have to bring Cade into it?"

"Because he's the reason you're like this...or at least a big part of it. Cade lied to you, he led you on, he hurt you, he left you. You don't want to hurt like that again; so you don't let a man get too close and you've got this hang up with sex, and that goes back to Cade too because you realized that all he ever really saw you as was a convenient notch on his bedpost and you think everyone else is going to be the same. So you hold back with any man who cares enough to want to be intimate; you have this rule set in your head that they have to say those three little words before you give up anything; but that rule doesn't guarantee you anything, Jo. Men will say whatever it takes if they want it badly enough."

"I believe I'm trained to tell the difference between the lies and the truth," Johanna said tartly. "And I'm sorry if I'm not the kind of woman who sleeps with every man who crosses her path just for the sake of doing so. I don't have the stomach for that. In my mind and my heart, sex is supposed to mean something other than a good time. It's supposed to be about love...it's not supposed to be something you share with everyone like it's a pack of gum and everyone can have some."

"I wasn't suggesting that you become a slut," Sharon stated. "What I was trying to get at was that you have to let go a little. Not everyone is Cade. More specifically, Jim isn't Cade. I know you and Jim have been inching along in this relationship because you're both too afraid to admit what is obvious to everyone else...but the two of you have been in situations where you could've crossed the line...and maybe you should have, Johanna. Maybe it would've been the push you both needed."

She sighed. "So what are you saying, Sharon? I should go sleep with him and beg him to stay?"

"No; I'm not exactly suggesting that but I think you need to give a little more effort if you want to land him."

"What part of he's thinking of moving to Chicago did you not get?" Johanna asked.

Sharon released a heavy breath. "You're so damn hardheaded. Do something to make him stay."

"Like what!"

"Gee, I don't know; go open your mouth and say something! You don't have a problem with that any other time."

Johanna pressed her lips together and turned her gaze back to the view outside her window. Everything felt jumbled inside her head and she didn't know what to do. There was a part of her that wished she could go tell him everything in her heart...that she could spend the night with him and hopefully give him reason to stay...but there was a lot of risk in those things. He might stay and then resent her for it; worse; she might make a fool out of herself and find out that he had no real intentions of being with her after all; that his feelings went no further than attraction and desire. That would hurt in ways she couldn't even begin to fathom. This was why she didn't like getting too close...getting close always hurt in the end. She just never learned.

"It'll all work out, Jo," her secretary said quietly. "It always does."

"But what if it doesn't?" she asked again.

"Then it's his loss and he's a fool. It'll hurt for awhile but you'll get through it and we'll find you someone else."

Johanna shook her head. "If Jim leaves, there won't be anyone else. I'm going to be done with men."

"You don't mean that. You want to get married and have babies; you need a man for that!"

Johanna eyed her. "I'll adopt."

"I don't know how easy it would be for a single woman to adopt a baby," Sharon remarked. "You know how people feel about single women doing anything. We'll find you someone else after an appropriate period of time. In the mean time...I don't think it would hurt to show Jim that you do have other options when it comes to men."

She blew out a breath. "Maybe I'll just wait a few days and see what happens."

"Why do you always wait!" her friend asked; "Sometimes you exasperate me, Johanna."

Johanna smiled a little. "Well don't feel bad; sometimes I exasperate myself."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I just don't know."

Three days after Jim's announcement, Johanna laid in her bed, staring at the dark shadows on her ceiling. Sleep eluded her; her heart and mind too anguished to rest despite her busy schedule. Jim was still talking about that job offer; and in her opinion, it seemed like he was leaning towards taking it. After all, he hadn't said anything about not taking it…at least not to her.

Of course during the last few days they hadn't talked as much as they usually did. He hadn't bothered to call or seek her out after she had fled from their lunch on Monday. They had a brief conversation in the elevator on Tuesday and it had all been about Frasier's offer. There was another version of that conversation on Wednesday in the break room. Thursday was now fading into the early hours of Friday and she thought back to the conversation they had when she bumped in to him once again in the break room that afternoon. It had almost been a normal conversation between them…but then he brought up Chicago again and it had all been down hill from there.

Johanna blew out a frustrated breath and turned onto her side only to be confronted with the empty space in her bed…the space that she always wanted him to fill. She supposed in all fairness that she had been avoiding him to some extent. She just couldn't stand listening to him go on and on about the paycheck, the perks, and whatever else had been mentioned. He didn't seem to be thinking about anything that was really important; like his family and friends…and her. Any time she mentioned those things and his success where he was, it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

He was going to leave; she knew it clear down to her soul. It hurt. It made her angry. She thought they had something…and yet if they did, he wasn't giving it a second thought. She could admit that she had pulled away from him the last few days…but he let her. It didn't even seem to bother him. There hadn't been any lunch invitations, he hadn't called or came around. He hadn't made any attempts to find out if something was wrong. Maybe he didn't care. Maybe he didn't even notice. Or maybe she was just easily replaced when it came to a big pay check and new city. There would be plenty of women in Chicago; he had no need of her.

Johanna was sure that Sharon would make the argument that she could seek Jim out if she really wanted to see him. That was true…but why should it always be her picking up the phone or feeling like she was in the wrong? Shouldn't he make some effort if it really mattered? But maybe that was the point; maybe she didn't matter.

Her hand clenched the sheets in anger, hot tears pricking her eyes. Hurt and anger were warring for dominance and she gave in to the anger; that was a feeling that was easier to deal with. One she could bounce back from faster. She was mad at Jim for not making any effort the last few days; for not giving any indication that she mattered. She was angry that he wasn't thinking about the important things…that he was really thinking about leaving her. She was so mad at him for dangling 'one day' in front of her and then jerking it back when something that was apparently better came along.

She squeezed her eyes shut but angry tears spilled down her cheek anyway. She was mad at herself for falling in love with him; for allowing him to engrain himself so deeply in her soul…for opening herself up to this kind of hurt. For a moment she hated him…but she knew their relationship was just as much her fault as it was his…so she hated herself too. Soon it might not matter though; he might be leaving, apparently without a second thought about her…or them. Maybe Sharon was right; maybe it was time to consider her other options. She couldn't say that she hadn't had offers, she had…she just always turned them down because her heart belonged to Jim and anything that might be construed as a date with someone else felt like cheating on him.

But now with everything so unsettled, maybe she had to think about others. If Jim left, she'd have to find a nice man she could settle for and learn to love. Johanna scoffed, learn to love…what kind of life was that when you picked a person you could settle for and then hoped you could grow to love them? But that's how it would have to be if things were over with Jim…she loved him and she couldn't imagine loving anyone else that way. It couldn't be possible.

The night stretched out endlessly and her eyes didn't close for more than a few minutes here and there. Her thoughts kept circling; options, thoughts and plans running through her mind about how she could convince him to stay. She didn't know what to do. She wasn't sure she was enough to keep him there; wasn't even sure she had a right to try and keep him. She could lay it all on the line; but that came with the risk of being a fool…and she hated to be a fool. Of course the argument could be made that she already was one.

Johanna sighed deeply, trying to force her body to relax and her mind to empty but it just wasn't happening. Before she knew it the first rays of sun were filtering through the curtains. She threw back the covers, there was no use trying to sleep anymore. Being up early allowed her to indulge in a long bath which melted some of the tension in her body but did nothing to quell the bad mood she felt rising within her.

After she dressed and forced herself to eat a light breakfast, she looked over her papers for her court appearance that morning. She hoped the opposing attorney was prepared…bad moods always made her even more ruthless in the courtroom than usual…and at the moment, she'd like nothing more than to chew someone up and spit them out.

Jim stood in the break room that afternoon, his gaze darting to the doorway every few minutes in hopes that Johanna would appear. She'd been making herself scarce ever since he shared his news. They'd only talked a few minutes here and there when he was lucky enough to bump into her. It hadn't escaped his notice that she always had something she needed to do whenever he brought up the offer.

He was pretty sure that she was avoiding him…or that she was angry with him. Jeff had only been slightly better about his news. Every time he mentioned it to him, his friend would shake his head and mutter 'damn fool'. He was starting to wish that he hadn't mentioned it.

Sharon stepped into the room at that moment and his eyes searched the space behind her as he greeted her.

"She's in court, Jim," Sharon remarked as she moved to the coffee pot.

"Oh," he replied; slouching back against the counter.

"You usually know her schedule better than that."

"We haven't talked much the last few days."

"Hmm," Sharon hummed as she fixed her cup of coffee.

"Sharon?"

"Yeah?"

"Is Johanna alright?"

"Health wise, work wise, or emotionally?"

Jim shrugged. "All of the above?"

"Health wise, she's perfectly fine. Not so much as a sniffle. Work wise she seems to be fine; if she was having a problem with something I'm sure I'd know about it. You should probably already know the answer about emotionally."

"Why?"

Sharon eyed him, a slight smirk on her lips. "You can't be that stupid, can you?"

He sighed heavily. "She does seem to be mad at me."

"I think it runs deeper than that…anger often masks the real emotion, you know."

"What did I do now?" Jim asked with a hint of exasperation.

Sharon shook her head at him. "Jim, if you think for one minute that she's fine with the idea of you moving to Chicago, you really are stupid."

"I'm only considering the offer."

"And while you're taking your time considering, you're ripping her heart out. This whole idea of you leaving is upsetting her."

"I haven't left!"

"Yet," Sharon said coolly.

"I don't think this is about the job. I think she must be mad about something else. I must've said or did something."

"Yeah, you did," she told him. "You said the words considering taking a job offer in Chicago."

"Sharon," he muttered with irritation.

Her brown eyes narrowed at him. "Do you have the slightest clue how much you mean to her? Do you realize that sometimes you know more about what's going on in her head than I do? Do you ever think at all? She's afraid you're leaving her…and when Jo feels like someone's about to hurt her or leave her, she likes to beat them to the punch. She pulls back, she hides…she shuts the metaphorical door and bolts it."

"I'm not going to let her do that," Jim remarked.

"I hope you don't. I also hope you make the right decision."

Jim was silent as he stared down at the black coffee in his mug. No one seemed too thrilled about his offer…when even Michael looked aghast that he was considering it, he decided that he wouldn't mention it to his parents. He didn't want to listen to his mother cry…nobody needed that kind of guilt.

"I'm not telling you to turn down the offer to spare Johanna's heart," Sharon stated. "It's your life; it's your choice…I'm just telling you that you shouldn't expect her to be happy about it. She'll put on a brave face for you and wish you well…but it'll hurt her. I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty. I'm saying it because it's true. But she'll be fine after a period of time. She'll get over it and move on. Daniel took her to lunch today…I think maybe he has an interest in her."

Jim frowned. "I didn't say I was leaving."

"You didn't say you were staying either."

"Sharon."

"Look," she said, holding up a hand. "I swear I'm not trying to guilt you into staying…but if you go…you need to let her down gently and make a clean break of things. Don't make false promises to her, Jim. If you do that, she'll wait instead of moving on. She's been hurt a lot by the men who are supposed to love her…or claim to love her. There's her father who should love her unconditionally and he doesn't. Her grandfather jerked her around a bit, sometimes she was the apple of his eye, other times he didn't want much to do with her. With Frankie; things weren't all the great between them when they were kids. I think marriage and fatherhood has settled him some now and they do a little better but he's hurt her on occasion. There was a guy in college…"

"Cade," Jim said somewhat darkly.

The secretary nodded. "Cade did a real good number on her…I'm surprised she told you."

"I don't think she told me everything but she told me enough."

"Did she tell you about how he made a joke out of her to anyone who would listen? How hilarious he thought it was that she believed he was going to stick around forever? About how he liked to flaunt his bimbo in her face every chance he got?"

"No; she didn't tell me any of that."

"Did she tell you about how that bimbo had been the girlfriend of Cade's friend…and that friend thought he could even the score if he could get Johanna into his bed? Did she tell you about how that guy tried to drag her out of a party one night when she was drunk?

"No…but please tell me someone stopped him."

"My date and I got to her in time; she was trying to get away from him but she wasn't a match for him with the state she was in. That guy was evil…he followed Jo and I for weeks…and I don't mind telling you that he scared the hell out of us because we knew what he was capable of; what his daddy's money always cleaned up for him and the school didn't care as long as those checks kept coming in. Did she tell you that we moved off campus to get away from him…and from Cade so Jo could get out the funk he kept putting her in?"

"She told me that the two of you moved into an apartment above the restaurant you worked in but she said it was just something you wanted to do; she didn't say there was a specific reason," Jim replied.

"Oh there was a reason; although we enjoyed our little place we had…and I still hate my sister for ratting us out. Our fathers made us move back to the dorms, but by then we had been gone long enough that Cade had lost interest in tormenting Johanna and her 'naiveté' as he called it; and his creepy friend had finally screwed up enough and got in trouble off campus. His father's money couldn't bail him out of those charges…as far as I know he's still in prison."

"What were the charges?"

"Drug charges," Sharon answered; "But also several assault charges, robbery, grand theft; a whole assortment of lovely things."

"Sounds like a real prince."

"Yeah; but I'm getting off track. She loved Cade and he crushed her…and he kind of made her somewhat wary of serious relationships. She's had other relationships…if you can call them that. She doesn't let them get too serious; and none of them ever lasted too long. We used to go out a lot, flirt and dance and get guys to buy us drinks…once in awhile if a guy was nice enough, she'd give him her number and see him a few times. If it started to look like it might get serious, she'd start to pull back or she'd end it, saying it just didn't feel right or they didn't have anything in common. Or she'd wait, and she'd hold back and let them end it. I thought maybe things were changing when she started to see Max right around the time she graduated from law school…but then I found out Max was more interested in someone he could have a comfortable companionship with when he was in town. That suited Johanna just fine; there was no way she was going to get hurt in that relationship. Max didn't expect her to do anything except put on a nice dress and go to dinner with him; provide him with good conversation and be a companion to see shows and concerts with. He didn't expect her to fall in love with him; nor did she expect him to love her. He never pressured her for sex…as far as I know, he never did anything more than give a her kiss goodnight. It was an easy, comfortable relationship. It didn't hurt her feelings at all when he met someone else that he wanted something more with."

"Sharon, why are you telling me all of this?" Jim asked.

"So you'll realize that you're the only man she's allowed to get close in a long time. From day one, you seemed to be able to get past the barriers. She shares everything with you, she trusts you…and I'm not going to lie, Jim; I know how far things have gone between the two of you…and she wouldn't let that happen with just anyone. Jo likes to protect herself and her heart when it comes to men but she let you in, she let you get closer than any man ever has…including Cade Rutherford…so if you're going to go to Chicago; there's no way to keep it from hurting her but you need to find a way to soften the blow. But I don't think it's going to be all that easy for you to walk away from her, Jim; she might not see it and you might like to deny it but I'm not blind or stupid…I know you're in love with her…and I think that will keep you here where you belong, because you do belong here in this daytime soap opera with the rest of us."

He smiled, a short soft laugh crossing his lips. "So I should put a tally mark for you in the don't take the offer column?"

"Make it two," Sharon quipped; "And if you tell Johanna anything I told you here today about her past; you won't have to worry about that offer…because I'll kill you."

Jim nodded. "I understand. I won't say a word."

"She's been working late the last few nights…in case that information interests you at all," she said as she pushed away from the counter and headed for the door.

"Thanks."

Sharon tossed him a look over her shoulder. "Don't go thinking I'm going to make it a habit of helping you to bail your ass out…I'm not a traitor."

"I didn't think for a moment that would be the case, Sharon. See you later."

She smiled and left the room; leaving Jim alone with his thoughts. Really she hadn't told him anything new; he knew that Johanna had been hurt before…and no, he didn't want to join the list of men who had done her wrong in one way or another. He kind of wished he hadn't had that talk with Sharon though…for some reason it made him feel unsettled. She could be wrong though. Johanna could be mad about something he had said or done that wasn't related to his job offer. Or at least it was easier to think that until the end of the day when he could be sure.

That evening after the majority of the firm had filed out, Jim knocked on the open door of Johanna's office. "Can I come in?" he asked when she glanced at him.

"Sure," she replied; her gaze returning to the stack of folders she was sorting through.

"Are you mad at me, Jo?" he asked as he crossed the room and stood in front of her desk.

"No; why would I be mad at you?" she asked while shoving some of her files into her briefcase.

"I don't know; but if you are, I want you to tell me about it so we can take care of the problem."

"There's no problem," she replied; unless he counted the fact that he was considering leaving the state…and her. That was a huge problem in her opinion and yet she didn't really think she had a right to say so.

He didn't believe her for a moment but she didn't seem inclined to share. "Did something go wrong with a case?"

"No; everything's going well."

Jim reached out and stilled one of her busy hands. "Johanna, tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, Jim."

"Then why haven't I seen much of you the last few days? You ran out of lunch the other day and ever since you've made yourself scarce."

"I've been busy. I have three cases in court and two I'm preparing. I've had meetings with clients, depositions to take and things to track down."

"What about after work?" he asked. "Usually when we don't see much of each other you call."

"I've been working a little later to make sure I'm not getting behind on anything. Then I go home, get something to eat and take a bath. After that I watch a show or two and go to bed. You could've called me if it mattered all that much."

Jim stepped around her desk to be closer to her. She wasn't fooling him; she was mad…or at the very least upset. "Do you think it doesn't matter to me?" he asked.

Her eyes flicked to his. "Apparently it doesn't or you would've called."

"I didn't call because I like to handle these things in person. Now tell me what's going on so I can handle it."

"There's nothing to handle, Jim," she retorted. "I've just been busy. We aren't going to be talking every day when you're in Chicago so we may as well get used to it."

So Sharon was right, Jim thought to himself; this was about his job offer. Of course he'd be lying if he said he hadn't suspected so on his own but it was easier to live in denial…most of the time.

"I didn't know I had accepted the offer," he remarked.

"You're considering it."

"Considering isn't accepting."

Seemed like it to her. If the offer had been extended to her, the answer would've been a flat out 'no' without any of this business of 'considering'.

"There's not much difference between considering and accepting," she replied. "If the answer was no, it would've been no as soon as the offer was posed. It must appeal to you if you're still giving it so much thought."

"Jo; you know things aren't always clear cut like that."

"To me, some things are," she replied as she looked him in the eye.

Jim shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels for a moment. "I heard you had lunch with Daniel today," he said; his tone oddly quiet.

Johanna nodded. "I did."

"How did that come about?"

"I ran into him in the hallway of the courthouse. He asked me to have lunch with him and I said yes."

He could feel his jaw tighten but he forced himself to keep his feelings in check. "Did you have a nice time?"

"Yes, I did. Daniel's a nice man."

He gave a stiff nod. "He's okay, I guess."

Johanna closed her briefcase and looked at him. "Daniel is very kind and a gentleman. We had a nice lunch together."

The thought burned him a little. "Who paid?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Just curious," he replied.

Her eyes never left his. "Daniel did."

"He just broke up with his girlfriend, you know."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Nothing I guess…I just thought you should know."

"I already know," she remarked.

"So do you think you might have lunch with him again?" he asked; his voice taunt with tension.

She shrugged. "I guess it depends on if he asks me or not."

"And if he does ask?"

"Then I guess if I don't have previous plans, I will. I don't see any reason not to."

Jim's teeth were clenched together so tightly that he had to force himself to relax his jaw to keep from breaking them. "What are you doing, Jo; replacing me?"

Johanna scoffed softly. "Do you really think that's possible, Jim?"

"You tell me."

"I'm not trying to replace you. I had lunch with Daniel because he asked me and I had no prior commitments. I can eat with whoever I want, you know."

"Oh I know," he retorted. "If you think I'm unaware of the fact that you'll never lack for lunch companions, you're sadly mistaken."

For some reason, it made her feel good to see him somewhat angered by the thought that she had lunch with someone else. And then there was that other side of her that didn't want him to believe that he could be replaced so easily…especially when he couldn't be.

"You know I could never replace you, Jim."

He wasn't so sure about that. "You did today."

"We didn't have any plans."

"You could've called."

"So could you!"

He had pushed her buttons, he thought to himself and he was somewhat pleased with that although he still didn't like the thought of her having lunch dates with someone else. "Tell me what you're mad about, Jo; let's get it out."

"I'm not mad," Johanna said as she turned her attention back on her desk and made her hands busy with straightening things on the bookcase.

"Yes you are," he replied. "You don't have to lie about it; let's just get it out there."

Something snapped within her and she spun around to face him once more. "Maybe I am mad!" she exclaimed. "And maybe I don't have any right to be; but you know what, I don't care if I don't. I don't feel like being logical and reasonable. I'm sick to death of being understanding. I want to be selfish and petty like everyone else, so you know what, I am mad at you!"

Jim nodded. "I thought you were…usually you're better about informing me of your anger."

"Well maybe I don't always like to spell it out for you, Jim! Maybe I like you to show some effort sometimes! Like when you haven't heard from me as much as usual, maybe you should've picked up the phone and called."

"You're right, I should have."

"Then why didn't you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know…I don't really have a good reason. I guess I thought maybe you needed space."

"I'll let you know when I need space," she retorted.

"So is that the only thing you're mad about…or are you going to admit that something about this job offer has you miffed?"

"Miffed?" she scoffed.

"Yeah, miffed…or mad, if you prefer."

Johanna eyed him sharply. "You're right; there is something that has me miffed about this offer…and it's you!"

"Okay; what about me?"

"You're not thinking about anything important when it comes to that offer! All you're thinking about is that big paycheck they're dangling in front of you and those stupid little perks that just have you so fascinated. Big deal there's a company plane! It's just like any other airplane except there won't be as many people on it and you can probably have your way with the stewardess…which is probably another perk! Who cares about corner offices with views of the city; you've got a city outside your window here! Who cares about any of that stuff they're throwing at your feet? What are you going to have to do to earn all of it? Is it something that's going to go against your morals and ethics? Do you think fancy airplanes and city views and bonuses are going to make you happy? Why aren't you thinking about what really matters?"

"What is it that you don't think I'm thinking about, Jo?" he asked calmly.

She frowned as she studied him. "Are you just humoring me by asking?"

"No; I want to know. If you think there's something I'm not giving much thought to, then I want you to tell me."

"Fine," she said, fire snapping in her eyes. "Why don't you try thinking about your family? And I mean really think about it; you have this wonderful relationship with your father…do you really want to leave him? He already has one son he doesn't see often; and Andrew travels a good bit too. Do you want to leave him behind too? What about your brothers? What about your nieces and nephews? Those kids love you and they're used to you being around, being a part of their lives. What about your mother? Don't you think she'd miss you? She'll be up nights worried you're falling into the arms of the wrong woman. What about your friends? What about Jeff? You think it's going to be so easy to suddenly not have him there to go to sporting events with and to go out drinking with, and talk about whatever the hell it is you men talk about? What about Phil, Zach and Mark and all of your other friends? What about the job you have here? What about…" she trailed off, her throat tightening with emotion as she kept herself from uttering that next phrase.

"What about what?"

Her lips pressed together tightly; her fingernails digging into her palm as she clenched her hand at her side.

"You can say it, you know," he said quietly.

Her gaze flicked away as she tried to convince herself to keep that last item for his consideration trapped within her mind instead of letting the words fall from her lips.

"Say it, Johanna."

"You want me to say it?" she asked; her voice low and crackling with the fifty different things she was feeling.

Jim nodded. "Yeah; I want you to say it."

She swallowed hard. "Fine…what about me, Jim? What about me! What about what you said…about how you'd be my best friend? How you'd always be here…what about that? What about…everything? You're just going to walk away like that? All because someone dangles a few little material things in front of you? Why don't you start thinking about what you do have instead of what you don't? I think you have a hell of a lot here…more than you could ever have in Chicago!"

He reached for her but she moved away from him. "Don't."

"Why?"

"Because you can't just think that you can hug me or kiss me when I'm mad and think that it makes things all better because it doesn't. Why don't you start using the right parts of your brain?"

Jim moved to stand next to her once again. "You could've told me those things sooner, you know. Why didn't you? You're not usually one to stay quiet about something you feel strongly about."

"Because it's none of my business," she replied as she crossed her arms and perched on the side of her desk. "It's not my place; I don't have a right."

"I think you do," he murmured. "And I don't think you're wrong to bring those things to my attention; nor do I think that you're petty or selfish or any of those other things you listed…with the exception of being mad."

She was quiet for a long minute as her anger deflated now that she had expressed it. "Maybe I'm not as mad now."

"Does that mean you'll have dinner with me? Because I don't mind having dinner with a mad Johanna…just as long as I can see her for a little while."

A slight hint of a smile wobbled on her lips against her will. "Why do you have to be so damn understanding?" she muttered.

He perched beside her, and brushed a soft kiss to her cheek. She side eyed him and he smiled. "I didn't touch you…with my hands."

"Technicality."

"But a good one," he replied. "I do want to have dinner with you though…unless you have other plans."

"I don't have any other plans."

"Then it's a yes?"

Her hand slipped into his without any thought. "Yeah; I guess so."

"You don't have to if you really don't want to," he told her; although he hoped that she would stick to her original answer of yes.

She shook her head. "I want to."

"You're sure?"

"Are you?" Johanna asked as her eyes met his.

"There's nothing I want more."

"Then let's go," she said as she moved to gather up her stuff. She better take the opportunities while she still had them. She was nowhere near convinced that he was going to turn down that offer. After all, he hadn't said much about anything she mentioned.

After a somewhat quiet dinner; Jim suggested taking a walk in the small park that was nearby. Johanna readily agreed to it; hoping the air would clear her head some and get her back on track. She knew that she didn't talk as much as she usually did at dinner…but neither had Jim. Usually when she felt out of sorts he picked up the slack in the talking department until she felt better but tonight he didn't. He was just as quiet as she was and that quietness lingered as he offered her his hand and they began their walk.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about this," Jim said after a few minutes; "But if you had been offered the job, would you take it?

"No," she answered without hesitation.

"You didn't even think about it."

"I don't have to," Johanna replied. "I wouldn't take it."

"Why not?"

"Because it's in Chicago!"

"But it's a great opportunity regardless of the city it's in."

"But it's the location that's the problem," she responded. "My home is in New York and I wouldn't consider leaving it."

"Not even if it was possibly good for your career?"

"No. My career is fine as it is and I'm sure there are or will be plenty of opportunities for advancement right here in this city. Besides, my career isn't everything."

"You wouldn't be swayed by the money or the perks?"

"In New York, yes. In Chicago, no. What good is having more money and perks if you don't have anyone to enjoy it with? Chicago would have nothing to offer me. I'd be alone there and I don't like being alone. I was born here, my family is here. This is where I belong."

"Your family drives you crazy though," he said with a quiet laugh.

"That's true," she said with a soft smile; "But isn't that what they're supposed to do?"

"I guess so," he conceded. "But what if there were two openings…what if you knew I was going to be there with you and you weren't alone. Would you consider it then?"

"Is this a hypothetical question or do you know something I don't?"

"Hypothetical," he replied. "Although I think they should've been just as impressed with you."

"I'm not bothered that they weren't; and hypothetically speaking…it would be a hard choice to make; I wouldn't want to leave my family…but I wouldn't want to leave you either."

"But if you were forced to choose?"

"I'm not the one with a choice to make, Jim; you are. I already told you that you need to start thinking about the important things. If I was in your shoes; I'd be thinking about my relationships and taking them into consideration."

"Tell me how you would do it if you were in my place."

"I'd think about my grandmother," she began. "I'm close to her. I call her every weekend. I have dinner with her once a month. She's getting up there in age; I don't know how many years she has left, although I hope it's a lot but I don't want to miss out on having these years with her. I would think about my parents. I'd miss my mom; I like knowing that I can always just go home to her if I need to. I'd think about how they're still vital and active but if I'm getting older so are they, and I'd be afraid that something would happen to them and I wouldn't be able to get back here in time to say goodbye if there was nothing that could be done for them. That would bother me for the rest of my life."

"What else?" he asked.

"My brother; we don't always get along all the time but we're better than we used to be. We can co-exist peacefully enough and I love Valerie and my friendship with her. Then there's Greg…I love being an aunt to him; there's nothing better than that…except having my own child some day. But I love watching him grow and those moments when he wraps himself around my leg and calls me Anna because he can't say my whole name yet. That's not going to last forever and it's special to me. Frankie puts a lot of trust in me when it comes to his child and that means a lot to me. I like being a hands on aunt. I'd think about Colleen. Things aren't the way they used to be between us but she's still my sister and I do like to see her when I can…and she's behaving normally. She'll be having kids one day and I want to be a part of their lives too. I like to go out and visit Aunt Bridget whenever I have a chance, and it's easier to have a chance here then it would be somewhere else. I don't want to be a holiday relative. I want to be a part of my family."

Jim nodded. "Would you take anything else into consideration?"

"My friends. I wouldn't want to leave my friends."

"Living somewhere else doesn't mean that you can't still be friends," he replied quietly.

"I know that, but it would be different. It would change things...distance lends itself to forgetting."

"I don't believe that," he said. "I could never forget my friends."

"I'm not saying you forget them; I'm saying you replace them and if it was me, I wouldn't want to be in a new city without anyone. I wouldn't want to start over and I wouldn't want to try to replace the people who mean so much to me. I have wonderful friends here; like a few girls I went to college with, we still get together a few times a year. I have a great friendship with my cousin. There are people at work I don't like but then there are people that I am friends with like Maggie, Sally and Karen to name a few. There's also Jeff; I consider him to be a good friend. Zach, Mark, Cathy and Antonio are friends as well. And then there's Sharon. She's been my best friend for a long time and I know we've had some bumps lately but I couldn't imagine not being able to turn to her whenever I need her, even if it's just for idle gossip. And then there's you, Jim," Johanna said, her gaze flicking to his face.

"What about me?"

"You're my best friend too; we just had that discussion a few weeks ago. Our friendship is different from all of the others."

"Because we kiss?"

"I think we've done more than just kiss, Jim."

"Alright, because we kiss and…" he trailed off, not exactly knowing what to call it and wanting to refrain from any terms she might find offensive.

"I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it; but it's more than that. You know me in a way no one else does," she said softly. I tell you things that I don't tell anyone else. I show you things I don't show anyone else. I trust you more than anyone. You understand me in a way no one else does. I can do things with you that I can do with any friend, like cry on your shoulder and vent my frustrations...but it's different with you. And you know that."

"Maybe I want you to tell me about it anyway," he remarked; although he wasn't all that sure why he felt the need to press that issue when he did indeed know that everything was different when it came to them and the little world they seemingly created together.

Johanna hesitated for a moment; unsure if she was wading into dangerous territory. "With us, everything is so much deeper. Sometimes you know what I need without me saying a word. You just know me. On bad days you hug me; when I need to cry you hold me and you let me. When I'm mad you let me yell. You make me laugh; you look after me even when I don't think I need looking after. When we walk together, you hold my hand...and it's nice to have a hand to hold at the end of the day; especially days that aren't all that great. It's nice to know that you have someone who will hug you when you need it and you don't even have to ask for it. You can't do those things when you're miles apart. I would miss that contact…I would miss us," she murmured; her gaze dropping to their joined hands.

He dropped his gaze to their hands as they paused in the middle of the path. She would miss this, he thought to himself as he tightened his hold on her hand, she would miss them…and so would he. The ramifications of the choice he had to make was beginning to set in. It was hard to picture their relationship being reduced to long distance phone calls. How could he comfort her if he couldn't touch her...how could she comfort him? Could he walk away and live with the what ifs?

She was looking at him warily, as if she was afraid she had said too much and that it was going to blow up in her face. He didn't know what to say. Everything she said he was to her was everything that she was to him. He wasn't good at these things when it came to talking about relationships; especially ones that were in a gray area between friends and lovers. He had a feeling that she felt the same way herself from the way she was worrying her bottom lip. How do you tell someone that they're everything to you without attaching a word to it that scared you in more ways than you thought humanly possible?

There was only one thing he could think to do, and so he kissed her; keeping her hand enclosed in his and wrapping his free arm around her waist and bringing her close to him.

They were caught in that gray area between friends and lovers…more than that, being a couple, he mused once again. There were nights when he laid awake wondering what it would be like on the other side of the line. If things kept progressing between them, one day he would find out…but that most likely wouldn't happen if he went to Chicago. His heart gave a hard kick at that thought and he allowed himself to let go of her hand so he could wrap her in both of his arms. What kind of life would he have if he couldn't be near her? It was an unsettling thought…and he knew that he had a lot of serious thinking to do; in all of those areas that Johanna had mentioned…but especially in the area of Johanna herself.

Late that night, Jim sat in the living room, cast aglow in the blue light of the television as the rest of the room remained shrouded in darkness. He didn't have a clue what the late movie was about; his mind was too full of thoughts about the decision he had to make. He had to give Frasier his answer by Sunday…and now that the clock had ticked past midnight, it was already Saturday. All of the things Johanna spoke of ran through his mind. Could he really leave New York? Could he get used to a different city when he was so accustomed to the one he had been born in?

What about his father? He didn't necessarily like the thought of not seeing his Dad as often as he liked…especially when he had come so close to losing him just a year before. What if he had another health scare…or worse? He remembered how upset Andrew had been when he was stuck in Colorado and unable to get to their father's side for days. Did he want to risk potentially being in that spot?

Jim knew his mother wouldn't be in favor of the move. She had been angry enough when William joined the army…and he was sure that his brother's refusal to come home too often in favor of staying in Germany was partially responsible for Elizabeth's less than pleasant disposition. She also hadn't been happy when Andrew took a job that required a lot of traveling…but at least he always came home…unlike William. She had gotten in a dig or two at Andrew though during their father's health scare. Jim blew out a breath; of course it shouldn't matter what his mother thought…but could he be happy in Chicago?

He thought of Grandma Lilly and the statements Johanna had made about her own grandmother. Like her, he didn't know how many years Lilly had left although he hoped it was a lot. He loved that old woman; he liked stopping by to see her whenever he wanted…he didn't even mind running her errands for her when she asked. And then there was the matter of his nieces and nephews. He loved those rugrats. He enjoyed taking Mikey to games and soon Danny would be added to the mix. He liked playing ball with them and Michael. Baby Alicia was a year old now; she was taking steps and learning new words; and he loved the way she smiled when she saw him; those sloppy baby kisses she insisted on giving him. He even enjoyed those ice cream dates with Angie. She always talked his ear off but he didn't mind…there was something nice about listening to her chatter about kindergarten and her friends; her grievances against her siblings, her ballet class and the kitten she desperately wanted.

Jim smiled a little as he thought of the inevitable moment that always came when Angie was halfway through her sundae. She'd look at him seriously from across the table and ask, "So how's Miss Jo?" He laughed a little; sometimes that girl acted like she had a thirty year old somewhere inside that tiny body of hers. She always peppered him with questions about Johanna…he'd have to have Jo join them one day as a surprise to Angie.

The thought caused Jim to pause; he was making plans and he wasn't even sure where he'd be…or did it mean that he did know? He exhaled a weighted breath and not for the first time, he wished he hadn't been offered the job…but he had been…and he had to choose.

His friends were worthy of his consideration too though; he wasn't sure he could leave them any more than he could leave his family. He had a good group of friends in his life; people he trusted and enjoyed. In Chicago he'd be alone for awhile and that wasn't really a pleasing thought. He liked having someone to talk to; someone to blow off steam with, someone to have fun with. What would he do without Jeff? He had known Jeff since senior year of high school; they had become best friends and roommates during that first semester of college.

Jeff was the kind of friend who was irreplaceable; he was a ride or die friend. He always had his back; they could talk about anything and most of the time Jeff could get away with telling him just what an ass he was when the occasion called for it. Jeff was a person you could rely on; someone you could have a good time with. He was the sort of friend who sat with you in a holding cell and laughed, saying 'damn, that was fun'. Jim laughed; and they had sat together in a holding cell once saying those exact same words…and it had been fun. There was just no replacing a friend like that.

And there was no replacing a woman like Johanna either. Jim breathed deeply and closed his eyes as Johanna's image floated across his mind. She was the first thing he thought of when he woke up in the morning…he would either be thinking about picking her up for work or if they hadn't made plans to carpool, he'd be wondering if she'd be in the break room when he got there. By mid morning he'd be thinking about taking her to lunch; by the end of the day he was thinking about driving her home…maybe lingering with her for awhile or taking her out for dinner. When he went to bed at night, she was on his mind as he fell asleep; that picture of her from the beach was on his nightstand along with her seashell. She was in his dreams…her mark was firmly upon his soul and his heart. He loved her…he knew that. Everyone thought he didn't know or was too stubborn to admit it to himself, but he knew.

They had a good relationship; one that was steadily growing and he knew where it was inevitably going, which was one reason why he saw no reason to rush things. They'd get there when they were supposed to; but if he went to Chicago…all that progress would be lost. He thought of Sharon's little chat, and her subtle demand that he make a clean break of things with Johanna if he took the job. He couldn't imagine ever breaking things off with her…it just didn't seem possible. He didn't want to hurt her; that was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn't want to leave her either…anymore than he'd want her to leave him.

There had been a moment during the day when he had mulled things over after his chat with Sharon. He had been tempted to call Frasier and ask if there was anyway he'd consider making an offer to Johanna too…but then he had held off and posed his 'hypothetical' question to her that evening. She never had really answered him…but he knew that no matter what, no matter how much she might like to go with him; she'd stay in New York. He didn't blame her; this was home.

But it was a good offer; one traitorous part of his brain reminded him. Should really consider emotional attachments over what could be a good move for his career? But there wasn't anything wrong with his career now; the other side of his brain wagered. He had never thought of looking for employment elsewhere; he was happy at the firm he was at. Maybe there wasn't fancy perks but things were good enough…so why did one offer suddenly upset the applecart?

Jim groaned as the battle waged in his brain; one side still arguing for the job and the other against. It was late…but he needed a beer. It was going to be a long night.

Saturday afternoon found Johanna curled up in the corner of her parent's sofa, her gaze upon her fingers as they traced a pattern in the upholstery. Her mind was full and could find no rest from the thoughts that plagued her. A soft sigh escaped her lips; she had come home with the intent of seeking out her mother's advice, and perhaps her shoulder to cry on; but when she arrived, her father informed her that Naomi wasn't home and he didn't know when she'd be back. For reasons unknown to her, she plopped down on the sofa and had been there without a word for the past two hours.

How could Jim actually be considering taking that job in Chicago? Sure it was a great opportunity...but it was in Chicago. Chicago was all the way in Illinois for God's sake. He couldn't be serious, could he? It was so far away from New York...so far away from her. She'd never see him again, despite what he'd promise about visits and phone calls. It would be over...without ever really getting started. He'd be too busy, frequent visits would be out of the question. He'd meet some girl and he'd forget all about her. Her heart twisted painfully. They weren't together in an official sense…but if he stayed, there was hope that things would change. She felt like they were inching closer to that 'one day' they had spoken of in North Carolina. But if he left…there would be no one day and the thought was almost too much to bear.

What would she do without him? Who would make her smile on bad days? Who would take care of her when she didn't even realize that she needed taken care of? What would she do without his patience and his attention? Who would keep her secrets? What would she do without his arms to sink into? What would she do without the promise of another kiss between them? Tears pricked her eyes, how was she supposed to be okay with this? How could he just leave her like this? How could he steal her heart and then go away? It felt so cruel and so callous...and she was so very selfish to want him to pass up the offer just to keep him in New York with her.

Her mind went back to that trip they had taken over the summer; what she wouldn't give to go back there…to be bolder, to maybe make something different. Maybe if she could do it over, she wouldn't have walked away that night in his room. Her heart throbbed, a missed opportunity that may never be recaptured if he went away. Perhaps she shouldn't have chickened out in Albany. Maybe if she had given in things would've changed and he'd find it a little more difficult to go. She hated herself a little for thinking such things, she supposed it wasn't very fair to him to want to deny him the opportunity to try his luck elsewhere…but she could offer him more than Chicago could. Chicago couldn't love him the way she did.

"What's on your mind, Johanna?" Frank asked; his gaze flicking towards her as he sat in his chair.

His voice startled her and broke her train of thought. "Nothing," she answered.

"Don't give me that," he replied. "You don't usually stick around when your mother isn't here."

She shifted, moving to get up as she figured she had somehow overstayed her welcome. "Tell her I stopped by and that I'll call her later."

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I thought you wanted me to go," Johanna replied.

"You don't have to leave," Frank stated. "I was just pointing out that something must be bothering you to make you stay even though Naomi isn't home."

"It's nothing, Dad," she answered; settling back into place.

"Are you having a problem at work?" he questioned.

His daughter shook her head. "No; work is fine."

"Then what is it?" he demanded to know. "You've been sitting here moping for the past two hours, now let's have it."

"You'll think it's stupid," she retorted.

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" Frank replied. He wasn't quite sure why he was so interested in what was on her mind. Maybe it was the forlorn expression that she wore and the fact that the cause was apparently unrelated to the family.

Johanna debated the merits of telling him her troubles. It was a rare occasion when he cared enough to ask, but she knew from experience that sometimes it came back to bite her. She wanted to confide in someone other than Sharon though; in fact, she felt like she needed to. Maybe a fresh perspective would help her sort things out.

"It's about this friend I have," she began; feeling the awkwardness of sharing with her father.

"What about this friend?" Frank inquired. "Did they do something to you?"

"Not yet," she muttered; but Frank allowed that statement to go without comment. "My friend got a job offer in Chicago," Johanna told him.

"And?"

"It's a great opportunity," she said; stalling instead of spelling it out.

Her father eyed her. "Are you the one who got this offer and you're afraid to tell your mother that you might be relocating?"

"No! It's not me; I'm sorry to pop your bubble about that."

Frank's eyes narrowed slightly. "I never said I wanted you to move away."

Johanna glanced at him. "I doubt you'd cry."

"That still doesn't mean I'd want you living so far away from the family. And God knows your mother would be beside herself. No one would ever know a moment's peace again. So if it is you, the answer is no. You just keep yourself where you're at and wait for opportunities in this city. A young woman like you doesn't need to be living half way across the country on her own with no family or friends around. No."

She was glad to know that if it was her that he'd issue the demand that she'd stay, but it wasn't her and it wasn't the problem she had. "It's not me, Dad. It really is my friend."

"What's the problem, you feel that the offer should've been made to you?"

"No; that isn't it at all. I...I just don't want my friend to take this offer."

Frank shifted in his chair as he studied her face. He had a feeling that he knew where this was headed and he wasn't exactly sure if he should've waded into this conversation with her. This was probably an area best left for Naomi but he had started it and he would try to see it through.

"Is this friend of yours a man?" he asked.

Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip and slowly she nodded. That's what he had been afraid of and he briefly wondered if it was the man he had seen her with at Christmas…the one who took her to the club and on vacation…the one who seemed to keep popping up in mentions now and then.

"This man...is more than just a friend, isn't he?" Frank questioned; choosing his words with more care than usual.

"Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"It's...complicated," Johanna answered.

"How complicated?"

She blew out a breath. "At the moment, it seems very complicated."

"Are you dating him?" Frank asked. He had been thinking for awhile that she was with someone and just keeping it to herself.

"No..."

"I see."

"Do you?" she asked; her gaze meeting her father's for a moment.

He nodded as he looked at her. "I think so, but let me ask you this anyway. If this is such a great opportunity for him, then why don't you want him to take it?"

"Because I want him to stay here," she replied.

"With you?" Frank responded.

"I know it's selfish," Johanna said quietly. "But yes, I want him to stay here...with me."

Frank was quiet for a long moment; his gaze assessing her. "Do you love him?"

Johanna hesitated; unsure if she should say it aloud. "Yes," she finally whispered.

It was just as he expected and he felt out of his depths. He should've left this to Naomi but he'd do his best to solider on…she was his daughter after all, and from time to time she probably could benefit more from the advice of her father. "Does he love you?"

"I don't know; sometimes it feels like he might…but he hasn't really came right out and said it."

"Have you told him that you don't want him to leave?"

"In a way," she answered.

"But you haven't spelled it out for him in exact terms?"

"No…but I thought it was clear enough."

"Does he know that you love him, Johanna?"

"No."

Frank nodded and then looked at her. "Then don't you think you should tell him? Don't you think you should tell him that you don't want him to go and the reason why?"

"It's not that easy," she stated; her eyes filling with tears as she raked a hand through her hair.

"Why not?"

"Because what if I'm wrong? What if I end up making a fool out of myself? It would ruin everything."

Her father sighed heavily. "Johanna, sometimes in life you have to know where you stand. You have to take the chance to get what you want. You have to fight for what you think is yours. It might not work out but at least you'd know that you tried. If he's seriously considering this job offer, then it won't matter if it turns out badly. You'll know where you stand and if he leaves, you won't be entertaining the 'might have beens' for the rest of your life. You have nothing to lose by telling him, Johanna...but maybe you have something to gain, and shouldn't that be worth the risk?"

"I don't know," she said quietly.

"Johanna," he stated firmly. "Just go tell him."

"You make it sound so easy," she replied; "And it isn't."

"Maybe it's easier than you think. How long does he have to make his decision?"

"He has to let them know by tomorrow."

"Then what are you sitting here for?" he asked. "Go talk to him."

Maybe her father was right. Maybe she should go lay her cards on the table and find out where things stood. It was a terrifying thought but the thought of him leaving terrified her even more. She nodded and rose from the sofa. "Okay...I can do this."

"Of course you can; you're a McKenzie," Frank stated as he rose to follow her to the door.

She paused and turned to look at him. This was one of those rare moments in their relationship. "Thanks, Dad."

A moment of awkwardness fell over them as he shifted on his feet before finally pressing a kiss against her forehead. A rare show of affection, she thought as she cemented the moment to memory.

"If he's foolish enough to turn down the love of a good woman, then it's his loss and you're better off knowing."

Johanna managed a small smile. "I just hope I don't regret it."

"The only regret you'll have is if you don't," Frank remarked. "Go on now, you'll be fine. You always are."

She murmured a goodbye and then left; making the trek to the diner not far from her parents house so she could hail a cab. She was just going to have to tell him…she was going to have to utter those three little words…and hope to God that it was enough.

Johanna's stomach was tied in knots as she approached Jim's door. Was she really going to do this? Was she really going to take this chance? Apparently she was, she thought as she paused in front of the door. It felt selfish of her to do this to him…but she loved him and she couldn't bear the thought of losing him without even trying…without playing that one card she had up her sleeve.

She hesitated as she raised her hand to knock on the door. Her knuckles hovered over the wood, a slight tremor of nerves visible in her hand. Finally she allowed her hand to fall against the door in a knock; her heart pounding and the knots in her stomach growing tighter as she heard Jim's footsteps from somewhere within. She closed her eyes, trying to summon every ounce of courage she had within her. Why was the thought of saying 'I love you' so terrifying?

She didn't have time to ponder that question as the door opened and Jim appeared before her. "Hey, sweetheart," he smiled as he let her in. "I was just thinking about you."

Johanna licked her lips nervously. "Jim; I have to talk to you."

"I have to talk to you too," he replied, holding out his hand for her purse and coat.

She handed the items over to him, buying herself a moment to try and get a hold of her nerves as he put her belongings in the closet. "Sit down, Jo," he said as he moved back in her direction, seeing that she was still rooted in the spot by the door.

"I think I'll stand for now," she replied. "I just…I really need to talk to you."

"I need to talk to you too. I just got off the phone with Frasier."

The statement landed like a punch in the stomach and her voice trembled as she spoke. "You already talked to him?" she asked for clarification, feeling her heart shatter.

"Yeah; I called to give him my decision…"

Oh God, she had waited too long. She had hesitated and debated and now it might be too late but she had to try anyway.

"Jim, I really have to talk to you," Johanna said, her throat tight as tears stung her eyes.

"I know, but I need to tell you about this," he replied. "I…"

"It's really important," she interrupted.

"So is this," Jim stated. He hated to push away whatever it was she needed to say but he had this urgent need for her to know what he had decided. "Let me go first, Jo; it won't take long and then we'll talk about what you need to say."

Her hand curled into a fist at her side; frustration and fear pumping in her veins. She wanted to scream, to just blurt it out but she couldn't; she had to do it right and apparently that meant waiting. She nodded in consent, feeling like she really had no other choice.

"I talked to Frasier…I turned down the offer," he told her.

Johanna expelled the breath she had been holding, her heart still beating rapidly. "You turned it down?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah; I told him that I appreciated the offer but that it wasn't for me."

She felt like she could hardly think straight; she had been so tightly wound, so sure that he was going to accept the job. The announcement that he wasn't put her slightly off balance. "Why?" Johanna murmured; hoping that he wouldn't think that she thought he had made the wrong decision.

"Because after we talked last night, I thought about it more…and you were right. This is my home; I didn't even leave the state to go to college so why leave it to take a job? I have a good job here and despite the usual office drama, I'm happy where I'm at and I'm successful there. There's always the chance that I can move up in this firm one day; hell if Stanley can move up, I'm sure I could at some point."

"That's right, you could," she agreed; relief coursing through her.

He nodded and continued on with all of the things he had reasoned out during the course of the night. "I don't want to leave my family. Dad has already had one health scare and a major surgery…if something happened and I wasn't here…I don't think I could handle it. I'd miss my brothers and my sister. I'd miss the rugrats…I don't want to miss watching them grow up. Grandma isn't getting any younger…I don't want to throw away whatever time I have with her. I don't want to do that to my mother either; I think it eats at her that William is so far away and Andrew is traveling a lot…I don't want to add to that."

"Those are all very good reasons for staying," Johanna replied; although a part of her ached that her name hadn't been included in his reasons.

"They're not the only reasons," he remarked as if he had read her mind. "I don't want to leave my friends. I like the people I have in my life here; I don't think I could have the kind of friends I have here anywhere else."

She nodded; her gaze dropping to her feet, her heart still stinging although she supposed she was lumped in with the friends he didn't want to leave behind.

"I don't want to leave you," Jim stated quietly.

Her head jerked upwards, her eyes meeting his. "Me?"

He nodded, his hand reaching for hers and curling around it. "I don't want to live anywhere where I have to wake up knowing that I can't see you…that you're thousands of miles away. I can't imagine not having you around; not having you in my every day life. I can't settle for phone calls and visits on holidays. I need to see you whenever I want; talk to you all the time; be close enough to touch you…I have to be near you. I just need to be where you are. I can't go. I don't even want to. You're right, everything I need and want is right here in this city."

A mixture of relief and love propelled her into his arms and she clung to him tightly, breathing in his scent and reveling in the feel of his arms wrapping around her. He was going to stay. He didn't want to leave her after all. There was a lump in her throat that was hard for her to swallow as his hand moved along her back in a soothing caress.

"What did you need to talk to me about, Jo?" he asked as he continued to hold her. "I didn't mean to make it seem like I was giving you the brush off, I just needed to tell you my decision…but I'm ready to listen now so go ahead."

Tears gathered in her eyes and her fingers dug into his shoulder. "I just wanted to tell you that I…," she trailed off; the words getting stuck in her throat.

"You what?" he inquired.

"I…I…," she stammered.

Jim laughed softly, dipping his head to press a kiss against her hair. "Whatever it is, you can tell me, sweetheart."

Her eyes closed, a tear squeezing out from beneath her lashes. "I just wanted to tell you that I…didn't want you to go," she whispered; hating herself as she swallowed the real words she had came there to utter. "I was going to be incredibly selfish and ask you to stay."

Jim held her tighter. "That's not selfish."

"It's not?"

"No; I'd do the same thing for you."

"You would?"

"Of course I would," he replied as he pulled back to see her face. His thumb wiped away a teardrop on her cheek and he softly kissed her forehead. "I'd probably embarrass myself begging you to stay."

Johanna forced a wobbly smile to her lips as she looked at him and Jim studied the watery green depths, sensing that there was something more on her mind. "Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?" he asked.

There was…but she wasn't so sure about saying it now. Somehow the need no longer seemed so urgent…the moment not quite right.

"Jo?"

She shook her head; a small smile touching her lips as her heart called her a coward. "No; there's nothing else…just that I'm glad that you're staying…because I don't ever want you to go away."

He smiled; warmth spreading across his chest at that knowledge. He had a feeling there was something that she wasn't saying but he didn't press the issue. Perhaps it was something she wanted to say about the job offer and now that he was staying she felt no need to voice the concern. He pulled her back into his arms and held her tightly. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. You're stuck with me."

"Promise?" Johanna whispered.

"I promise."

She expelled a soft sigh …while she continued to mentally berate herself for chickening out. She'd been so close…so damn close…maybe next time…and she had a feeling next time was going to be coming sooner than either one of them expected because she wasn't sure how much longer this was going to work.