Chapter Thirty Seven
AN: This one too….
"Ssh Shhh." The young woman held the 11 month old close to her chest to shield it against the city winds as she turned another corner. It was early morning and the ticket in her from pocket was still wet with tears from the night before.
Because there was only one
One more hour till her train to Bevelle left.
One more block to the center she was redirected to.
One more month before Paine Amelia turned one.
One more chance at a new life, a better one, where she could grow up with food in her tummy and a chance at a real family.
One more
Keira held her daughter closer as she passed a few off looking men in winter caps. Paine cried out as a snowflake hit her small red nose.
"Sssh Shhh,.. um, Dancing bears, painted wings, things I almost remember…." The young unwed mother began to sing quietly as she continued on in the first snow. Paine quieted down and watched the woman above her with wide and glossy auburn eyes. She didn't know much in her 11 months on this planet but she did know that voice, that tone, it meant plenty of kisses and songs, goofy faces, and new diapers. Paine liked that voice. "Once upon a December….."
##
Paine continued to throw up.
Rikku rubbed her back soothingly and was ready with a cool glass of water with a straw in it and a dry hand towel. "Drink."
Paine picked herself up and shook her head. "No, no more water."
"Paine you're throwing up all of the water in your body, you have no say in this, drink." Rikku pushed the straw near Paine's mouth and her girlfriend took a few sips before her body began to reject it again and she turned fast enough to make it to the toilet
Paine groaned. "Fuccck." She honestly felt like she was dying. She couldn't think of yesterday or the night before because she honestly felt like it didn't matter because she could be dead within the hour.
That's how bad she was feeling.
It was around five in the morning and Paine had hardly had a second to close her eyes before she started getting sick everywhere. Rikku was pissed, but patient which Paine appreciated more than ever because she felt horrible about the blonde's favorite pillow which was now downstairs in the basement wash room along with a few other articles of her clothing and the floor rug near the bathroom door.
"Maybe next time you'll think twice about resorting to hard liquor to solve your problems." Rikku said at the same time as she rubbed Paine's back. She wasn't as upset as she was making herself seem, but Paine needed to understand that everything she did had consequences.
Paine spat one final time. "I said I was sorry."
"Drink."
Paine sighed and finally sat up all the way with her back to the tub. She took a few sips and waited for her body to reject it. When it didn't she took a few more. The cool water helped a little but not enough. "I'm really hot, Rikks." Paine mumbled.
Rikku nodded and put the cup down. "I'm gonna help you take off your shirt." Paine gave her a half nod and leaned forward a little for Rikku to pull the shirt over her head. That helped too, but she was still heating up.
Rikku had been worried the minute Paine's body wouldn't let her drink water, but she didn't want to go to the hospital if they didn't need to. Paine hated hospitals. Rikku handed her the wash cloth and stood so she could climb into the shower and open the small bathroom window near the ceiling. Cold winter air immediately came flooding in making her shiver. She hopped back down and rubbed Paine's arm. "Better?"
Paine was feeling dizzy. "I'm dehydrated." She realized.
"I know." Rikku picked the cup up again and brought the straw to Paine's mouth. "Try and drink a little more."
Paine patted the cold tile in front of her. "I wanna lay down here."
"On the tile?"
"It's cold."
"You can't go to sleep though."
"Okay." Paine mumbled as she curled herself up on the floor. Rikku filled the cup of cold water back up a little more and placed it beside Paine. "I'll be right back okay? Keep drinking this and no sleeping." Paine nodded once and Rikku left the bathroom to go into her room, text her father and Elma and then start getting something for Paine to wear that would equally keep her warm in the cold but not stifle her and would be easy to take off if she got too hot. She settled for basketball shorts, a long sleeve shirt and a zip sweater. Rikku changed out of her pajamas and into Paine's hoody and some jeans then ran downstairs to check on the clothes and then slipped her gloves and boots on to go turn on her car and get it warmed up.
Paine was still where she left her when Rikku returned.
"Maybe….maybe we should call Em."
"I already did Pypo. We're gonna go to the emergency room." Rikku picked up the wash rag and the cup of water and tossed it into the sink before flushing the toilet and leaning down to help Paine get up.
"But we could just call her…" Paine took the shirt Rikku was giving her to put on.
"You already have a history of kidney issues, and you're heating up. We're going in." Paine sighed childishly and Rikku rubbed her back. "I know." It was amazing how she even lasted two weeks of hospitalization before.
"I need pants." Paine motioned to herself just wearing a shirt and her underwear.
"Oh, here." Rikku handed her the sport shorts and helped her into them before giving her the jacket and then exiting the bathroom to get her purse. They were in the car when Rikku's cell phone went off. Rikku hit the button on the steering wheel twice.
"Milan."
"Pops. Did you get my message?"
"That's why I'm calling, how is she?"
Rikku glanced at Paine. "We're just going to get her looked at. Can I call you back?"
"Alright, when you get news let me know, bye."
Rikku hung up and looked over at Paine again. "Hey hey!" She snapped her fingers and Paine jumped a little. "No sleeping." Paine moved around in her seat a little. "You okay?"
"No."
"Are you going to be sick?"
"No."
"Do you love me?"
"No,"
Rikku laughed. "It's gonna be okay. They'll hang fluids and everything, you're gonna be just fine."
"And after?"
"Let's not worry about that right now okay? We'll figure everything out later."
Paine sighed and decided to let Rikku lead on this. "Okay."
Rikku nodded and rubbed Paine's knee. "You're still hot." She observed. "Unzip your jacket." Paine did as she was told and Rikku lowered Paine's window a little more.
##
Rikku didn't say anything when Gippal came to sit beside her in the waiting room while Elma looked at Paine.
"—I should have followed her." Gippal said sadly. "I'm always—"
"You should have." Rikku cut him off not trying to hear any of Gippal's explanation. Right now Rikku didn't know a lot of the details, but she did know that she had a bone to pick with someone. She wasn't about to be nice to Gippal if he was that person.
Gippal recoiled a little not expecting such a cut off by the girl beside him. "What's your problem? I'm here for Paine too y'know?"
"My problem is that you and whoever else was involved sprung probably the most important news in my girlfriend's life on her when she was nowhere near prepared, but that's not the only problem I have Gippal. You are her best friend, her best friend, and yet throughout all of this all you could do to help support her as she tries to get over this drug thing is offer a spiff and some shitty advice."
"Listen Cid's girl you don't know shit about Paine and I alright? She doesn't tell you everything—"
"She tells me enough."
"You're one to criticizes you know that? And what the fuck? You've only been around for how long? I've been her friend since we were fucking kids."
"Then start acting like it! She's never once told me about you being there when she came back from those homes, you'd just act like she never left. That's not what Paine needs right now."
"Oh and you know what she needs? You can't possibly know, you haven't the slightest clue about how Paine did things back then."
"I know exactly what she needs."
"Oh yeah? What's that Princess?"
Rikku narrowed her eyes at him. The nickname had started out to be teasing, and then it slowly became this affectionate thing that Paine used when everything else was just too hard to say. But that was Paine's and no one else's and Gippal was only saying it to be a dick right now. "Where the hell were you when she was having all these withdrawal symptoms, y'know the ones she's taking medication for, the ones she could seriously get hurt from?"
"Get off your fucking high horse; she was clean for a year without you!"
"Yeah no thanks to you, you're still a fucking addict."
"And you're still the little girl who fucked her teacher for an A."
Rikku slapped Gippal
Hard
Gippal was more shocked than Rikku was right now, and Rikku looked pretty shocked. He brought his hand up to his lip and felt the warm blood coat his finger. "Oui pedlr."
Rikku just stared at him. The shock had worn off and something else replaced it.
Pride
No one fucked with Rikku Milan Bayla
She was just not that person anymore.
"That's enough!" Elma stormed into the waiting room. She pushed Gippal's shoulder. "What is wrong with you? You too." She pointed to Rikku. "I come in here to give you both news about your girlfriend and your best friend to find you fighting?"
"She hit me!" Gippal pointed in anger.
Rikku crossed her arms. "fru'c dra pedlr huf?"
"Enough!" Elma stopped the two from getting into something again. It was already enough that Gippal was dripping blood onto the ground and everyone else in the waiting room were staring. Now she had to tell them why Paine had to stay overnight. She gave Gippal a napkin and pulled them into an empty examination room.
The two Al Bhed sat on opposite sides of the room while Elma made sure someone was cleaning up the blood on the ground. The redhead walked into the room and closed the door. "I don't know what he said to you Rikku but that was inappropriate." Rikku didn't say anything. Elma turned to Gippal and glared at him. "You know better." He didn't say anyrhing either. Elma straightened up and looked at the chart in her hand.
##
"Alcohol poisoning and endocrine system disruption because of dehydration. Your ADH hormone was suppressed meaning…well you know what that means." Elma nodded.
Paine sighed. It was now 12 in the afternoon that same day and Elma had to wake her up or else she'd sleep for days. Paine cleared her throat a little and looked about the room. She definitely felt a lot better than she did that morning but she was sporting a massive headache.
"We hung fluids and have been monitoring blood glucose just to make sure nothing else happened with your hormone levels. Everything is stable."
Paine nodded. "Where's Rikku?" Her voice was scratchy and dry.
Elma sighed. "She's waiting along outside with Gippal… they got into an altercation."
"Gip is here? What do you mean?"
"She hit him."
Paine raised an eyebrow. "Rikku? Rikku Bayla?"
"Pretty good too, I think she's been hanging out with a certain someone a little too much."
Paine was too busy trying to wrap her head around Rikku actually hitting someone, Gippal of all people! They were Al Bhed buddies and members of the Blonde Bombshell Club along with Tidus. Why would they be fighting?
"You should be able to go home soon, but um, where ever that is someone isn't going to be happy." Elma reminded. Either way either Gippal or Rikku would be feeling bad. Elma put her things down. "Paine?"
Paine focused on her friend noting that her professional tone turned to one that she was most used to. The one she heard when they'd bump into each other in the kitchen in the middle of the night. "Yeah, Em?"
"About yesterday…"
Paine shook her head. "I really don't want to talk about it. I just want to see Rikku and Gippal now."
Elma nodded. "You know where to find me…though, I would prefer if we stopped meeting like this. Okay?"
Paine gave her a small smile to let her it had nothing to do with her. Elma smiled back and then left the room.
"You feeling okay, Pypo?" Rikku asked as she walked in, Gippal wasn't far behind.
Paine nodded feeling a whole lot better now that Rikku was here. "I keep scaring you." She said when she noticed the worry in Rikku's eyes.
"You really do." Rikku leaned down and kissed the side of Paine's face before fussing over her hair. That's when Paine got a good look at Gippal's lip. "Gip" she greeted.
"Dr. P, you alive?"
Paine nodded. "What happened between you two?" No one said anything and Paine just looked between the two of them. "You guys want to fight each other now? Now?"
"Nothing happened." Rikku spoke up. "We were just both worked up about you being in here and all." Rikku glanced at Gippal before nodding. "Its fine, Pai."
"Is it?" Paine asked Gippal.
"Yeah." He shrugged.
##
"I want to know why you would think it was a good idea to spring this on her just like that without any warning or anything!"
Lulu sighed. She was really getting it alright. Who knew Rikku could yell like this? "Rikku I had to tell her."
"Then you should have told just her, not all her roommates, Yevon you have no idea what you did do you?"
"Sooner or later she was going to find out, do you think she would have handled it better if some woman came up to her in the street and introduced herself as her mother? She's my half sister, she had to know, I'm not too please about this either, but you can at least understand why I did what I did. Do you really think Paine would agree to sit down with me and talk to me like this? No."
"No, but you really should have talked to me first."
"Frankly it's none of your business unless Paine wanted it to be. I understand what you are—"
"You really don't, Lulu. I know why you did it, but you really have no clue what Paine had to go through. What she will have to go through now." Rikku sighed. This confrontation thing wasn't her thing. She was just so worked up. Seeing Paine like that last night really messed with her head, still Lulu was clearly trying to help. "So what now?"
Lulu sighed as well. "We'll wait, whenever she is ready."
"I don't think that's ever going to come. What do you know about this lady?"
"I know she means business; I know she came here to reconnect with Paine. I know she isn't just here for her own gain. She wants to try, I don't however know how my…our father plays a role in this. I refuse to speak with him until I speak to Paine."
Rikku nodded. "How's little D'Autry?"
"Stressed."
"I could only imagine."
"I'm sorry if I caused any problems. I just got tired of all the secrets; this one really pushed me over the edge."
"I understand."
"How is Paine anyway?"
"She's pretty banged up… she dug a grave for you last night in a drunken stupor. She won't tell me where though."
Lulu let out a small amused sound. "I'm guessing she wouldn't want to talk today then."
"No probably not a good idea."
Rikku and Lulu hung up just in time for Paine to slowly make her way down the stairs and into the kitchen. She was wearing her NLU hoody with the hood up and her dark purple baggy sweatpants. They were having a late late breakfast. Paine shuffled to the breakfast nook and plopped down and looked at her hands for a moment before speaking. "I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be."
"I… I am though." Paine finally looked up at Rikku. "I got real low last night….I'm trying."
"I know you are. I love that you are." Rikku knew Paine was really giving it her all not to just reduce to who she used to be. This wasn't just everyday news though, this was big.
"I don't know what else to do Rikks, I don't know, I feel shitty and just confused and I don't know where to go from here…. I have fucking parents…."
"It's a lot to deal with, I know and I need you to understand that you just cannot do this again. You can't try and hide behind these things. You need to embrace what you are feeling, you need to acknowledge it. What would have happened if you were on your medication? You can't drink with that."
"I wasn't thinking."
"You weren't, and I need you to start. There are always consequences for your actions Paine, always. Your health is what I'm really concerned about. You're not a spring chicken anymore…."
"I'm twenty one…"
"…You're more of one of those chickens they tried to slaughter but something always happens and they don't, you're missing a couple feathers, babe."
"I don't know how this is meant to make me feel better."
Rikku smiled. "All I'm saying is that you have to be careful, Yevon at least go a few months without having me drive to the hospital in a panic, okay? I hate waiting rooms too y'know."
Paine nodded. "What happened?"
"When?"
"With you and Gippal… You hit him?"
"I slapped him." Rikku corrected.
"Why?"
Rikku sighed and turned to make her and Paine some tea. "It's not important now."
"It is to me."
"It shouldn't be."
Paine sighed. "I know you too y'know. I know that you hum your Al Bhed alphabet when you brush your teeth, I know you lost Little Puppy and are afraid to tell me, it's okay I'm not mad, I also know that you and Gippal were friends... I know that it had to be something that struck a nerve and I can only think of a handful of things that do that that Gip knows about. I hate the thought of you two fighting and he is my best friend but… You're my girlfriend. If he said something to disrespect you I need to know."
"I didn't lose Little Puppy, he's definitely in this house….somewhere."
"Rikku."
The blonde sighed and placed her tea down and then Paine's down in front of her. "I started it."
"You did?"
"He was harping about how he should have followed you and I got tired of him making excuses for all this stuff. You did drugs partly because of him, you got shot because of him—"
"I almost got arrested….."
"Because of me, I know Paine and I took responsibility for that. I have haven't I?" Paine nodded. "But you just let him off like it's okay for him to keep being careless. I know he's your best friend but you are changing and frankly he's not. I don't know what you expected me to do. I know less than everyone about what happened and I wasn't about to be nice to a guy who put you in a place or didn't recognize that you were in a bad place when you left. So yes I started it. I called him an addict because let's not forget that even though he said he would stop too, he hasn't."
"Shit." Paine ran her hands on her face. That was a sore spot for Gippal. She knew he cut down a lot but that's only because Paine wasn't using anymore and they used to do it together. It was just something that no one ever talked about, and here Rikku was; talking about it.
"Then he brought up Auron and…I slapped him."
"He what?" Paine asked hoping that she had heard her wrong.
"I slapped him because A, I was already mad, and B, because what in the hell does he know about it? What does anyone really know about it?"
"What did he say to you?" Paine gripped the handle on the tea cup.
Rikku shook her head. "It was impulsive and stupid of both of us, I just don't want to see his face for a little while okay? You need to calm down."
Paine knew she wasn't going to get anything out of Rikku so she calmed down and let her back relax again the breakfast nook. "You calm down."
Rikku didn't even realize she had tensed up until Paine said something. She took a deep breath and slouched a little. "Pypo."
"Yeah…" Paine went back to looking at her hands.
"I love you."
It was a nice little reminder as the weight that the two were all too familiar with finally settled on them again.
"I love you too." She found Rikku's eyes before reaching for her tea.
Rikku tilted her head and watched as Paine's forehead wrinkle in worry. "Damm sa?"
"I'm just confused. I'm hurt and just angry, I'm still so angry Rikks and I don't know when it's going to go away… What am I supposed to do now? and then Gippal… Gippal." Paine turned her head in thought.
"Well right now I'm going to make us breakfast, and then we're going for a drive."
"A drive? Where?"
"It's a surprise."
"I don't know how many more surprises I can handle."
"I would never put you in a position where you weren't safe okay?" Rikku stood and walked over to her girlfriend. "You just need some time to think, and you can't do that here." Rikku cupped her cheek and leaned down and kissed her twice there. "Scrambled or over easy?"
"I'm not hungry…."
Rikku frowned. "You need to eat something, Doctor's orders."
"I just said I wasn't—" Paine stopped herself. Rikku was only trying to help. She sighed. "I'll have cereal."
"No eggs?"
"No."
Rikku nodded and poured Paine a bowl before placing it down in front of her and rubbing her back gently. "What?" She asked gently. She hated seeing Paine so torn up.
"I'm just…" Paine let out a heavy sigh. "How would you feel if you found out your mother was still alive? That she just left and you thought she was gone forever until she just decided to come back, just like that?"
"I'd…I'd feel hurt, I'd feel abandoned. I'd need snuggles for sure."
Paine shook her head. "You always need snuggles."
Rikku smiled a little. "Well you asked if it was me right?"
"Hm."
Rikku went about pouring herself a bowl of cereal. She didn't have much of an appetite she could only imagine how Paine felt, especially having come straight from the hospital.
Paine sighed and scooped up some milk with her spoon and then dropped it back into the bowl of floating wheat squares. They ate breakfast quietly. Paine focusing very intensely on the mechanics involved with chewing and swallowing, Rikku thinking of something to talk about, something to give the breakfast some normalcy without making it seem like she was trying too hard. Paine still looked hurt and more confused than ever, so Rikku decided to just keep quiet until Paine said something. She eventually did when they were gathering some clothes for the cold north.
"Am I running?"
Rikku froze in thought and then continued pushing her sketch pad in her school back pack. "No. You're just going to get some space to think."
"She's here you know… My.. mother." The words seemed so unfitting to say.
"Lulu told me."
"You talked to her?" Paine started to look upset.
"She's only trying to help, Paine."
"Tell her to mind her own business."
"You are her little sister, you are her business.
Paine huffed. "The only thing that we have in common is that the same guy stuck his dick into two differen—"
"Stop being so vulgar."
"She's not my real sister. I don't have a real sister, or a mother, or a father. So I would really appreciate it if you stopped accepting them as that."
Rikku nodded. "Okay."
"I had to raise myself, me." Paine pointed to herself. "These are just people who decided that now was the time to say something. It will never change what happened."
"I know that, and I think they do too."
Paine hung her head and ran her hands through her un styled hair. This was a little too much right now. I can't do this." She breathed.
"You can."
Paine shook her head. "But what if I don't want to? Don't I get a say in any of this? I had no choice then but I have one now don't I?"
Rikku nodded. "That's right. You need to decide if these are people you want in your life."
"I don't even know her…"
"Exactly."
"She could never be my mother… She can't tell me what to do."
Rikku chuckled. "I can't even tell you what to do."
"But I don't—"
"Eh! No more thinking until we are out of the city, is that clear?"
`Paine nodded.
##
Paine returned to her apartment a day later. She opened the window in her room to get a little air in, it felt stale and stuffy. Nothing at all like the Luca countryside where she and Rikku literally just drove around until they got tired and then snuggle close to one another at night and talked quietly before they fell asleep. It was freezing half the time, but it had been a welcome change from the bustling city. It gave Paine space, and she knew she hadn't yet made a decision on what she wanted to do, stepping away for a second allowed her to calm down. It didn't at all mean that she was going to stop avoiding Lulu and Wakka, no, Paine was still upset about everything, and she was pretty sure if someone even mentioned her half sister she would be put into a bad mood. But more than anything Paine Kerrigan was just confused, where the anger swelled a few days ago confusion took its place, she felt very off guard and exposed. She didn't like it one bit. She could have passed her own mother on the street and not even know it. It was unsettling, and Paine felt more paranoid than ever. But coupled with that paranoia and confusion came a maturity that she hadn't noticed had developed over the years. She was definitely aware that what she was feeling now had always been there. It was on the inside, and it stemmed from her childhood. She had to address this as twenty one year old Paine, not as the scared mousy child she used to be. Still, Paine felt that just as one place in her heart was beginning to fill nicely for a certain Al Bhed blonde, the other half was found with way more holes than she talked herself into believing existed.
"She left it here." Paine shook her head when she picked up one of her girlfriend's favorite scarfs. She remembered that Rikku was looking for it before they left a day ago.
"You're back."
Paine turned around to see Gippal standing in the doorway of her room. She nodded once. "Yeah."
"Where'd you go?"
"For a long drive with Rikku. Just… y'know clear my head. Mi'ihen Highroad exit 5…"
"She didn't talk your ear off or nothin'?" Gippal tried to joke. He wasn't exactly sure where they stood right now. If anyone was supposed to have her back it was him, and he hadn't, again.
Paine placed the scarf on her bed and unpacked her small bag as she talked. "She just listened mostly."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"…How you feeling?"
"How am I feeling? Really?"
"Alright then what's the plan?"
Paine sighed. "There is no plan."
Gippal finally stepped into the room. "No plan? What? That's not like you at all! You always got a plan Dr. P." He sat on the bed near Rikku's forgotten scarf. Paine took Rikku's scarf and moved it. Gippal's smile fell. "Ah so it's like that?"
"Just like that." Paine went about continuing to unpack and for a while they didn't say anything. She was upset with him, how dare he bring something like that up, he knew better, he had promised even.
"After all these years?"
"Stop."
"— You got a little pussy and now—"
"Gip."
"—You think you're better now? Huh? Two years clean and you're this hot shot? Fuck that Paine over some chick? Some rich girl? You're going to forget all the shit that I did for you and—"
Paine began repacking her bag. "You got three second to get the fuck outta my room." The thing with Gippal was he was fine until something was done that he didn't like, or he felt threatened in a way, then he just exploded like this. Of course it helped if he were a little high, which he looked. Paine knew how to handle him most of the time, but right now she just didn't have the energy. It wasn't fair that he just got to yell how he felt and she was supposed to sit and take it.
"Or what? We both know you've gone soft, haven't been the same since, not even working out –"
"That's because I had fucking surgery Gippal, because I got shot, because you didn't know how in the fuck to keep your nose out of Bart's business alright? You're so fucking selfish it's unbelievable."
"I'm selfish? Me? Wow that's shocking to hear, what about you stringing along Dona for fucking years. You think you're this changed person but c'mon who are you fooling?"
"If Dona is the only example of me being selfish towards you that you have then you really need to pick a different word." Gippal went on yelling and Paine grabbed a few more things from her room and paused before turning to go into her closet and taking out a thin shoe box like case before moving to sidestep Gippal. He wouldn't let her pass though.
"You're really going to pick her over me right now?"
"Are you making me choose?"
"Yes."
"Get the fuck out of my way."
Paine glared at him when he stopped her this time with his hand on her shoulder. "She's done nothing, and she knows nothing."
"What have you done for me? Huh? Paine shrugged his arm away. "What have you done but facilitate all this mess with your bullshit. You know what it is? I think you're jealous that I'm actually fucking trying while you just coast. I think it really fucking pisses you off that Rikku would pick some low life like me over a low life like you. Even Elma doesn't want you, and it pisses you the fuck off. Grow the fuck up."
Gippal was seething. "You don't know shit about Elma."
"Move Gippal. Move before you get an addition to that lip."
"You think I won't hit you back? You're not a girl to me."
Paine dropped her bags right there. "Hit me."
##
"That's rough." Baralai said as he passed over a mug of hot chocolate to Paine who was sitting on a bar stool in his lavish kitchen in the Montgomery family home in The Heights. It was nice and small, sort of like Yuna's house. It definitely felt empty like Rikku's though. The shale counter tops were cold and the stainless steel refrigerator had probably never been quite full. It was only really Baralai, his mom Shoshanna, and his westie terrier Ifrit. His father was into politics and was always about just like Braska was always traveling.
"I know."
"What are you going to do?"
Paine took a sip of the hot beverage and sighed. She was tired of everyone asking this question. "I don't know."
The snowy hair boy nodded and took a sip from his own mug. "I'm cool with it."
"Thanks I just need… neutral ground. Your mom won't mind?"
"Nah she loves you remember? Father is away as usual."
"Cool."
The two were quiet for a few minutes. "You want to go watch annoying Christmas cartoons?"
"God yes."
It was odd for all their time apart she and Lai were so much still alike. He understood her and she him. It was strange. He just knew that Paine was talked out and didn't want to think about the last two days. She just needed an environment where she wasn't expected to do anything at all. Not even be a girlfriend. Baralai was happy to oblige, he was glad she felt like they were in a place where she could come to him and not worry.
The two moved into the small living room with the big plasma TV and wooden coffee table. There was a short Christmas tree in the corner with boring white lights and decorated with glass ornaments, on the marble fireplace mantel were pictures of Lai and his cousins in Bevelle, another of Baralai as a little boy on the first day of primary school, he was missing his two front teeth but was smiling like he was going to explode with happiness, his mother and father's wedding photo, and then one of Ifirit with a birthday hat on. It was only then that Paine wondered what Baralai had been up to in their time apart. The sea foam blue couches were probably the most comfortable couches Paine had ever sat on. Lai laughed and reached for the remote when he saw Paine looking around at the couches. "I know, you should see Ify rub his belly on these things."
"Screw the guest room, I'll sleep out here."
Lai chuckled and they began watching the same holiday specials of kiddie cartoons old and new. Paine didn't know how long they were sitting there but she was brought out of the trance when her cell phone buzzed on the coffee table. It was a text from Rikku.
He was in the couch in the den!
Paine actually smiled to herself at the attached photo of Rikku's digital pet key chain safely hooked back on her keys.
Such a responsible parent
Well his other mommy knew he was lost and didn't say anything….
I knew you felt bad about it.
Well I found him now, where are you, at home?
I'm at Lai's, I got into it with Gippal, might stay a few days.
Over there?
Yeah
Paine really didn't want Rikku to feel bad about her choice. It was just that she didn't want to bring Rikku down with her. Her mood was changing all the time and she knew it could be exhausting to the blonde to keep up and maintain her patience. Paine knew she was a handful at times, and it shouldn't be like that. Rikku was her girlfriend, not her mother.
It took a little longer for Rikku to reply but she eventually did.
Alright, I understand. I'm just a ten minute walk away if you need me though.
You're amazing
I know :) Call me before you go to sleep?
Okay
Just as Paine put her phone on the coffee table again and Lai commented on something the front door opened and Ifrit jumped up from his spot on the ground and ran towards the door to greet Baralai's mom.
"Bar Bar?"
"I'm in here Ma!"
"I haven't seen your mom in forever..."
"I wonder if she remembers y—"
"Is that Paine Kerrigan I see!"
"Yup." Baralai laughed.
##
"I'm worried about her." Rikku admitted a few days later on Christmas Eve. She and her cousin were in her kitchen starting the cooking on the ham so it would be ready for when everyone came over early the next day. "She calls me sometimes, sometimes she doesn't, and I can't make her call me, I'm just worried because of what happened before."
"I think she's just trying to figure things out on her own. Is she coming tomorrow still?"
"I'll text her now to ask and make sure. She said she would but Paine's head is everywhere these days."
"I don't blame her at all." Yuna moved to get the cloves out of the cabinet to stick in the ham. "The more I think about it the more I see the resemblance between her and Lulu. I don't know how we missed it."
"I always thought they looked alike, but not enough to be related, Anyway Lulu is still a four letter word right now." Rikku typed a quick message to her girlfriend. "I can understand why she's so upset, but honestly I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow when Lulu and Wakka come over."
"Tidus told me that she's not even talking to Wakka either."
Rikku just sighed. "I've never seen Paine like that before, she's really in a difficult place." Rikku carelessly plucked a few cloves from the container Yuna opened and stuck them in a section of the ham. "Am I doing this right?"
"No you have to stick them like this—"
"No I mean this girlfriend thing. Am I doing it right, Yunie? Sometimes I feel like I'm too harsh, sometimes I feel like she could walk all over me if she wanted to. Sometimes I just feel like I could be doing more."
Yuna smiled. "In my opinion I think you are both giving it your best shot. Rikku, Paine isn't the only one who has changed these last couple of months. You're a lot more patient and a little less carless. I think you both do good things for each other. Relationships aren't easy though, by no means are they a walk in the park."
"I know, Pops said the same thing to me yesterday when we went out for lunch together. I'm just really torn as to how much I can expect from her. I can't exactly make her come to Christmas if she doesn't want to because of Lulu, but then again I want her here. I miss her being around so much."
"I think you should say that, but then keep in mind that she does need a lot of time on her own. There are things I'm sure she hasn't told you that she's hurt about. I think Lulu is just the easiest representation of everything she can't say." Rikku nodded. "I think you're doing a great job. Better than me." Yuna added with a little laugh.
The two continued talking for a few hours cooking and singing Christmas songs on the radio. It wasn't until Rikku ran up to her room to get something that her phone in her pocket begun to buzz signaling she had a call. Paine hadn't answered Rikku's text, but she was calling right now.
"So muja." Rikku greeted with a little smile.
"Hey Princess."
"How are you?"
"I'm alright. Just driving back to Lai's from the gym, I didn't see your text earlier my phone was in my bag."
"Elma gave you the go ahead?"
"Yeah, this morning."
"Oh well that's good. I bet it was an aggressive work out."
"Yeah it was, I'm sore all over but I got a lot out."
"That's really good, you sound good."
"Yeah."
"When am I going to see you?"
"I'll come over tonight."
"And tomorrow? You read my text right?"
"Yeah."
"And..?"
Paine sighed and Rikku frowned. "I know you want me to come…."
"But?"
"We'll talk about it when I come over."
"Fine, call me when you're on your way."
"Alright, bye." Paine hung up feeling like a jerk. She knew how important the holiday's were to Rikku, but they were just days to Paine. Call her deprived, but she never saw the importance until she started dating Rikku. I mean the girl bought her a stocking; Paine almost had to go once she remembered that. These days just seemed like family kind of things. Now that she and Gippal were definitely not talking, Elma was working and Nooj traveled to warmer weather so he could maintain his free lifestyle, Paine didn't feel like she had much of anything on Crenshaw. She visited Joyce the other day and her phone died so she wasn't able to tell Rikku what was going on. She didn't have to but she knew how Rikku liked to share things about her day when they were apart. Wakka had even tried calling her a few times. She felt bad; he was her gym buddy and her… half brother in law? At least after tomorrow.
Had she really been ignoring one of her close friends for no real logical reason? Sure she wasn't Lulu's biggest fan but…
Paine shook her head as she pulled into the empty parking space in front of Lai's house.
Where was this anger supposed to go then?
No one was home except for little Ifrit and he didn't care if Paine were all sweaty from the gym, he still ran up to her with his tail wagging like crazy and that loveable little smile of his.
"Hey If." Paine bent down and patted him on the head and the dog immediately rolled over so she could pet his stomach. "Pets too? Ah man, you're worse than Kimahri."
##
"You can't keep doing this." He crossed his arms.
Keira shook her head as more tears kept flowing. "I'm so sorry."
"What is wrong with you? Do we need to replace you? Just last week you had all these songs nailed, now look at you, you can't get even get through the first number without turning into….this!" Claude threw his hands up in defeat. "I thought you dreamt of this role since you were a little girl? Isn't that what you told me when you came in here with no where to stay? I put you up because you have the voice of an aeon…" Claude just shook his head as Keira continued to cry. "You have five minutes to get yourself together. I said get into character but this… this is too much." He shook his head and walked away.
Ten minutes later
"Just push through it, Keir." Carlo, the male lead whispered when he noticed her teary brown eyes.
"And bring me home—" Keira closed her eyes and belted out the last line. "At laaasssst." She pulled the last word out till there was no more air in her lungs.
Claude jumped up in the empty audience clapping. "Better, much better! Opening night needs that right there. I don't care if you ruin your make up sobbing backstage, bring that!"
##
Paine wrapped her free arm around Rikku's back and deepened the hello kiss.
Rikku let her for a few moments and then pulled away. Paine sighed and released her. "Come in." The blonde stepped aside so Paine could enter and the cold air could leave. The house was warm and familiar and smelt of pine needles and ham. "What's all this?" Rikku asked motioning to the gifts wrapped poorly in holiday wrapping paper tucked under Paine's one arm.
"They're gifts."
"Are you bringing them now because you won't be here tomorrow?"
"No." Paine wondered off into the den and placed them under the Christmas tree. "Santa comes on Christmas eve right? In the night?"
Rikku smiled. "Yeah."
"Well okay then. I'm just trying to do this right." Paine had walked over to Rikku's since it wasn't too bad in distance and she needed more than the short three minute drive to get her thoughts together. She took off her coat leaving her in her NLU hoody, a random black beanie, and jeans. Rikku followed as she went back into the main hall and hung them up and slipped out of her shoes. Paine looked up and found Rikku looking at her. "What?"
"You're staying for Christmas?" She asked hopefully.
Paine nodded. "Well I brought the gifts, and I'm already here…"
"You might as well." Rikku smiled.
Paine smiled just a little as she walked up to Rikku and wrapped both arms around her. "I might as well." She leaned down and kissed Rikku softly. It was the type of kiss that could go somewhere, somewhere where none of the world could see, and there was no such thing as problems. Paine pulled away gently but kept her arms around Rikku.
Rikku snaked her hands up Paine's arms and intertwined her fingers at her neck. She missed touching Paine too. "You seem well." She whispered.
"I've been thinking a lot." Paine whispered back.
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "Mhm."
"About what?"
"How foolish I've been… How lucky I've been."
Rikku tilted her head and smiled. "Are you trying to get in my Christmas pajamas?"
For the first time in days Paine burst out laughing. "I wasn't but now I'm kinda curious as to what you have up your…stockings."
Rikku giggled and hugged Paine fully. She squeezed her. "Ruf yna oui naymmo, so muja. Damm sa. E'ja paah funneat ypuid oui."
"I know you have been. I'm sorry I haven't called."
"It's okay, you're here now."
Paine hugged Rikku close and just took in her scent. She realized that she really didn't like being away from her for too long. Rikku must have felt it too because she mumbled that she missed her into Paine's shoulder.
"I know it's a lot to ask, but I promise I'll try and make it work." Rikku nodded when they pulled away. "You'll have a good time, okay?"
"I trust you, Bayla."
Rikku just smiled. "Okay, okay, do you want to relax in the den? Kick your feet up? I'll make you something to eat. Yunie is at the meat market in line for some meat tips for toasties, we're going to make dessert ones and meat and bean ones."
"I've been relaxing a lot at Lai's. I just wanna help you if that's okay."
"Yeah, Pypo, of course. Go change first. You'll get hot in that."
Rikku kept on eye on Paine as she and Yuna talked about the fashion agency as if everything was okay. The ham was done so for dinner they all had small ham and mustard sandwiches with salad and then they tried to clean up for Christmas morning and wrap any last minute gifts. Cid arrived later that night around ten right when Yuna was leaving.
It was around eleven thirty when Rikku heard her bedroom door knock softly. She got up out of bed in her once long black pajamas with candy canes on them that she had turned into shorts not too long ago, and a black tank top. "He's such an old man." Rikku complained in a whisper as Paine slipped into the room clad in dark blue cloth shorts and a short sleeve white shirt. "I mean he knows you sneak in here, you know that right?" Rikku closed the door behind Paine and locked it. "I swear it's just a power thing. It has to be."
Twenty minutes had passed and Rikku found herself straddled on Paine's lap with her girlfriends back to the head board of the bed. Paine had her arms wrapped around her waist and their faces were close enough for whispered words to be heard clearly.
Rikku leaned forward and placed a small kiss on Paine's lips. "You're still the same person, Pypo, realizing that you have parents isn't the issue is it?"
Paine shook her head no. "What am I supposed to do with this information? I feel like everyone expects a certain response. Like in the movies there is resistance but then they become one big happy family again. I don't want that."
"What do you want then?"
"I want to have all this just disappear." Paine looked away from Rikku and sighed. "But I know it can't… What happens if I end up liking her?"
"That would be gross."
Paine playfully jostled Rikku on her lap. "You know what I mean."
Rikku smiled and then went to thinking. "What is so wrong with that?"
"She left me. She gave me up Rikku, she didn't care or she would have come back when I was 18 at least. I'm a fuckin—" Rikku gave her a look. There was a rule that there was no cursing on Christmas. "I'm an adult." Paine corrected herself. "Am I to believe that she had some sort of an epiphany and she decided that she needed to see me?"
"Maybe she's dying."
"What?"
"Maybe she just came into money and is finally able to financially support you, maybe she just woke up one day and decided that she wanted to take control of her life, maybe she's been thinking about you every day for the past twenty one years. We don't know Paine, and you'll never know unless you meet her." Paine sighed again and Rikku tilted her head. "What about Paul?"
"I haven't given him much thought."
"He does already seem like the bad guy, huh?"
"Yeah a little. I'm upset with them both."
"What else?"
Paine bit her lip in hesitation, but she and Rikku were in their safe place right now, anything could be said because it was just them two. It was Rikku's idea to help her open up and delve into her feelings because even though she seemed calm on the surface Rikku knew Paine's mind was running constantly. "Gippal asked me to choose between him and you." She found Rikku's eyes and for a slight second a flicker of panic played through them.
"You told me you got into it with him. What happened?" Rikku played it off.
"I said some things…But I mean he came in nervous and then confident that he was forgiven. I didn't like that. I threatened to hit him, he didn't care, he never cares. I just... He's the only constant thing in my life, regardless of how he just pretended that everything was okay. That helped a little bit sometimes. He's always around and I take… took comfort in that.'
"What did you tell him?"
Paine struggled with her words now. "I…I told him it was you. I picked you." Rikku wanted to smile but she didn't. She knew it must have been a difficult thing for Paine to do. "I love you, Rikku, and I don't know a lot, but I do know that in knowing you I've been able to do so much in such a short amount of time. You make me better, happier. I'm just afraid I lost him for good. He's not a bad guy…" Paine frowned. "He's my best guy."
"If he cares for you like he says he does than you haven't. He's just stubborn."
"He is."
"But I think he'll come around."
"I've decided I want to move out."
"From the house?" Rikku asked in surprise. Paine nodded. "Wow, when?"
"When I graduate hopefully, I need to close up this chapter; there is nothing for me there Rikku. Staying in that neighborhood is only going to get me in trouble. I'm nervous though. Moving makes me nervous."
"Moving?"
"I moved all the time, from foster home to the center, to foster home…"
"Oh." Rikku nodded in understanding. "Well this will finally be all of your own space. You could do whatever you wanted. Ooh I can help you decorate!"
Paine smiled softly. "No."
Rikku pouted but smiled anyway after. "I know you need time to think about things, just take your time, babe, there is no rush. She waited twenty one years she can wait a week or so hm?"
Paine nodded. "Yeah I just….I'll go see what Martha says and just…I'll think on it."
"How are you feeling physically?"
Paine shrugged. "Normal… a few headaches." She still had yet to start up her medication again.
"You're peeing okay?" Paine rolled her eyes. "Hey I can ask about these things can't I?" Paine laughed a little and shook her head no. "Well I don't care; I wanna make sure you're in tip top shape."
"My pee is fine."
"Good. Lai's?"
Paine made a face. "His pee?"
Rikku giggled. "No, how's it staying over there?"
They continued talking before a small alarm clock went off and Rikku declared that it was officially Christmas day. "Now gimmie my gift!"
"Well you're kind of sitting on me, I think you should go—" Rikku quickly rolled off of her. "Alright I'll go first then." She leaned over to the side of the bed and pulled up a small velvety blue jewelry box with a yellow bow tied in ribbon. "I um, it's kind of expensive. I know we said that we—"
"I got you something anyway, so don't worry."
"But we said we wouldn't!"
"But you did too! I never listen to you when we talk about gifts. I just get you whatever I want."
"You're a bossy gift giver."
Rikku outstretched her arms for the box in Paine's hands. "C'mon c'mon." She wiggled her fingers to reach for the box.
Paine handed it over. "It's not a ring or nothing." She warned with a nervous laugh.
Rikku smiled at Paine's comment as she took the small box in her hands. "This is from Whales Jewelry..?" Rikku moved aside the yellow ribbon and saw the script "W" on the lid.
"Yeah." Paine nodded.
"They're my favorite over there at the mall."
"I know." She motioned to the small blue box. "Just open it already."
"Okay okay." Rikku pulled the small box open to reveal a small pair of expensive looking pearl earrings."Oh my Yevon." She looked up at Paine in surprise. They were the ones Rikku had had her eyes on for a long time but could never find online and if she could she could never justify buying them because of the price and her father's annoying argument that she already had boring old white ones. These were perfect, just the right size to be casual or formal and most importantly they were a rare off white with a touch of pink.
"I couldn't risk running into you at the mall, so I got these online, I um, I remember you saying that you liked this barely pink whitish color so… Do you like them? Are they too big for your ears?" Paine looked back at the earrings wondering if she should have spent the extra twenty for the next size up. She never bought jewelry for someone else before and Rikku had adorably little ears.
"They're so beautiful Paine." Rikku smiled and looked from her new gift over to her girlfriend. "I love them."
Paine inched closer to her on the bed. "Yeah?"
"I love the color; I just forgot we even had that conversation. These will look so good with everything because see, they're not too pink, just subtle and…" She went on for a little at how much she loved them, she even began taking them out so she could try them on. Paine smiled to herself. She was glad Rikku liked them because those little pearls cost way more than Paine thought they would. Rikku rubbed Paine's leg and leaned closer to her when she was done putting them on.. "You're so thoughtful, thank you, baby."
"You're welcome." Paine murmured as their lips got closer. Rikku closed the distance between them and placed a sweet kiss on Paine's soft lips. "They look good on you." She brushed aside some of Rikku's blonde hair. Rikku leaned in for another short kiss and then wordlessly scooted off her bed and disappeared into her closet. Paine sighed and looked at her legs. This thing was like a sprained knee. She wanted to ignore what was happening but with every step forward she could feel it. It pissed Paine off that she couldn't just have a second alone with Rikku without having her thoughts being clouded or her attention distracted.
Rikku furrowed her eyes at her girlfriend. "Pai." She repeated for the third time.
Paine popped her head up. "Sorry babe.." She patted the bed beside her and Rikku climbed on with a small gift bag. "No wrapping paper?" Paine joked as she put her arm around Rikku as if to force her thoughts to stay focused on the blonde.
"I didn't have time to wrap your gifts." Rikku frowned.
"Gifts?"
"Well I didn't know what to get you so I got you two things." Rikku dipped in the bag and then looked up at Paine. "Close your eyes what do you think this is?" Paine laughed but did as she was told. Rikku pulled out the expensive Al Bhed sand crystal and glass picture frame and reached for Paine's hands to have her hold it. "Okay… open them."
Paine opened her eyes and smiled widely. "Aw, babe." The frame itself was beautiful but what made smile was the pencil and charcoal drawing of her and Rikku. It was an exact replica of their first picture together during the summer at the beach. Paine hadn't seen Rikku sketch in a while and had almost forgotten how amazing she was at it. The detail in shading was exactly perfect. The only difference between this and the real picture was that this one was black and white and in the upper left hand corner above Rikku's head was a small R and P in one of those cliché little hearts.
"Do you like it?" Rikku asked nervously. She had never really given anyone something she worked on like this before.
"This is awesome, Rikks. Love it, you're so talented."
"It took me like a hundred times to get it just right.."
Paine turned to Rikku. "It looks exactly like the picture."
Rikku smiled an impish smile. "It's our first picture together ever. I didn't want the one on our cell phones to get lost or deleted so…" She shrugged. "Now it can be here like this forever."
Paine leaned down the small distance and kissed her girlfriend. "I love it."
"Cool! Well that's not the rest."
Paine looked back to the beautiful frame. It was a little heavy too. "I'm happy with just this to be honest."
"Well this one is kinda for both of us." Rikku dug into the gift bag and pulled out an envelope and handed it to Paine who had to pull her one arm from around Rikku to take the it. "Whenever you're ready, instead of beating the living daylights of a punching bag or…drinking..."
Paine opened it and laughed a little. "Couples Spa Day? Alright I could use one of these."
Rikku nodded excitedly. "Yunie told me about this place a lot of the models at the agencies go and we were going to do a girls day but I was thinking something a little more…y'know." Rikku winked and Paine raised an eyebrow. "Romantic."
"Oh yeah?"
"Uhuh."
##
The two rolled over so that Rikku was on top of Paine this time. She leaned down and began placing very distracting kisses down Paine's exposed chest. Paine exhaled and wrapped her arms around Rikku's naked back.
"Sit down Dr. P."
"…She heard dem saying that he and this woman… she they…they had a kid…."
Paine shook her head lightly and focused on the chocobo feathers Rikku got along her back when she ran her fingers down her spinal cord.
"You, they had you…"
Paine blinked rapidly out of her thoughts when she felt something wet run down the side of her face. It happened to be the back of Rikku's hand as she looked down at her with quiet knowing eyes. "We can stop." Rikku whispered. "Okay? Let's do that." Rikku leaned down and paused when Paine took a shaky breath. "Oh Pypo." Rikku rubbed the quiet tears off Paine's cheeks. "C'mere." Rikku slid in behind her and held Paine as close as possible.
"I'm sorry…"
"No, no saying sorry for feeling baby." Rikku whispered behind Paine. "I've got you now, its okay." Paine fumbled to grab hold of Rikku's hand and the blonde squeezed her girlfriend close.
"It's not okay." Paine mumbled feeling even more pathetic than before. "I wanna… this shouldn't..." She suddenly surprised Rikku by rolling onto her and pressing her lips against her along with the rest of her body. "No." Paine grunted. "This has nothing to do with you and me." She grabbed Rikku's thigh roughly and pulled it around her waist and grinding herself against her causing Rikku to moan. "No." She mumbled again before leaning down and kissing Rikku a second time. "Not this." She swore to herself aloud as she leaned down and began to suck on Rikku's nipples. Rikku moaned again and wrapped her arms around Paine's back.
"Softer…Paine…." Rikku could feel Paine shake violently in her arms. "Softer." She moaned again.
Paine tried to cool down a little but it was impossible. "Let me fuck you." She begged into Rikku's neck.
"Baby we—"
"Rikks." Paine moaned her name as she became consumed.
"Pops i-is..right.." Rikku took a quick breath. "d-down the hall." Paine was sucking and biting now and all it took was another hungry noise from her girlfriend as she kissed down to her center. Rikku opened her eyes wide and arched her back when Paine found what she was looking for. "Oh-oh-okay. Okay. Okay. Yes. Okay." Rikku moaned louder now and tried to catch her breath after. "Okay…"
"I need you." Paine breathed. Rikku closed her eyes and exhaled when she felt Paine place small kisses on her hand.
"I'm right here."
AN: Oh boy lol. I'll give ten points to whoever can guess what musical production Keira Kerrigan is staring in. Review and let me know what you all think of this chapter too. I've re-written a lot of scenes a lot of times so I'm curious to see what you think of certain things. Thanks for the many many wonderful reviews last chapter.
KathleenDee