29 –New Year's Crack

W/C: 2078
Warnings/spoilers/content: PG-13 mild het & slash sexual content, profanity. You are duly warned: this is just silly.
Summary: Team Torchwood hit the pub on New Year's Eve and Tosh gets out of hand.
Characters: Ianto, immortal-Jack, Tosh, Owen
Ianto's New Timeline: December 31, 2005

DECEMBER 31, 2005, 10 PM

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, Jack is not an all-powerful being. When Jack drinks too much, he gets drunk. That's a given for most of us. But not for our intrepid, mysterious leader. He has a reputation, you see. Captain Jack Harkness is an impenetrable, invulnerable superman. This is how they see him.

Tosh has known him the longest and she insists that she's never seen him drunk. Owen's not so sure. He does agree however that Jack never drinks in public. Ever.

I have a different take. That's to be expected. I am shagging him after all. I know he drinks. I've seen it first-hand. He tends to do that on his own. In public, he usually drinks water. "Too many enemies," he says, "too many undercover agents out there waiting to take advantage." It only had to happen once. After that, it was water and nothing else.

So, it was with great surprise and our collective unease that we were joined by Jack for our New Year's 'Eve piss up. The unease lasted only a short time, though. For Tosh, it was the prospect of him seeing her being unprofessional—getting messy, as she putsit. For Owen, it was the prospect of accidentally saying something rude (ruder than usual) or insulting (unforgivably insulting) after he drank too much. For me, it was the fact that I'd never seen him drink 'for fun' or 'to relax with friends'. It was usually 'the end of the world' or 'I just killed someone'. So, I watched warily, looking for any signs of impending doom but I was pleasantly surprised when he started laughing and telling jokes. The pub was small, homey and after a while we all felt at ease. The other patrons were all locals—faces we recognized. We knew the bartender was trustworthy because after the last time Owen had passed out under the table, Jack had had Tosh thoroughly check him out. It seemed that the Universe was conspiring with us for a change and was manifesting an optimal convergence of elements which would allow us an evening of uneventful rest and relaxation.

I WAS SURPRISED WHEN TOSH LOBBED THE FIRST MISSILE. I guess I should have expected it. "I hate that face you get," she drawled. She wasn't quite slurring yet but she was well on her way to Uninhibited Island. I continued drinking, hoping her mind would wander. No such luck. She pointed, with her glass, sloshed some cider on the floor. "You know…" Her voice reached a screeching pitch. "Your "the end is nigh" face." She made air quotes with one hand and snickered at her clever little title. "Isn't that great?" She turned to Jack, who was sitting still, watching, waiting. He tilted his head, the universal sign for 'What the hell are you on about?' "You knowwww." She started to explain. "Every single time we have…" She looked around, lowered her voice. Owen and Jack automatically moved into huddle position. I groaned. "An emergency." She made air quotes again, this time with both hands. "He gets this face." She pointed at Owen, prompted him for support. He nodded emphatically, bobbed his head and made a serious face. Unconvincing, I thought. "He knows. I can tell." She turned to me and glared. "Heeee." She pointed at me with her glass again, this time more dramatically. "Alwayssss. Knowsssss." Her words came out in a hiss and I knew she wouldn't be letting this one go. It made me wince. Jack pursed his lips, kind of nodded, noncommittally.

Owen grabbed a hold of Jack's arm and began where Tosh had left off. "She knows. We saw. Before." He giggled, bratty eight year old style. "When you two where…" He used his fingers to act out a puppet show for his audience. His two index fingers were smushed together. They wiggled and slid around each other madly. He made loud kissing noises as he concentrated on re-enacting our most recent attempt to have sex through our clothes in Jack's office. The one they walked in on. Fun. Jack laughed so loudly, they probably heard him over in the Millennium Center. Tosh was giggling and Owen was really getting into it with his finger sex. Now, he was chasing Tosh around the table with his fingers trying to get her to join in. Jack kept on laughing. It was a marvelous sound. Genuine. I was given a reprieve for a whole ten minutes while Tosh and Owen had a threesome with their index fingers in the air over our table. They were hysterical. I couldn't help myself. He'd really given his performance some thought. Tosh was glowing, red cheeked when they finished.

Jack continued to chuckle until his face hurt. He wrapped an arm around Tosh. "Was it good for you Tosh?" He whispered in her ear and sent shivers down her spine. "I'm sure Ianto wouldn't mind a replay, especially if you join us." The shivers went a little further south.

She burst out laughing. Couldn't even gather her wits long enough to tell Owen what he'd said. I had a pretty good idea. The second missile came from Owen. "You are so damn secretive. I wish you'd just tell us what's going on. 'Cause we know something's going on." He looked between Jack and me. Irritation, frustration and overwhelming curiosity burned in his eyes.

I bit my lip then pushed out a breath. Steady on. "Mate. Mates." I corrected. My arms spread wide, enfolding them—drawing them close. I'd have made a great game show hostess. "Some things are secret." I threw up my hands. Good imitation of a Jewish grandmother. I thought. "Not even mine to tell." Their heads spun and two pairs of bleary yet accusatory eyes landed on Jack.

He threw his hands up too. His imitation wasn't nearly as good as mine. "Not mine either," he insisted, all innocence. They could have tried out for the National Synchronized Eye Rolling Team. "Really. Sometimes, even I don't know." He actually whined.

The glaring lasted about a minute. At which point, Tosh looked at Owen and Owen looked at Tosh. The smirks grew until they erupted into laughter. Then they just shook it off. They really did. They shook their heads like an Etch a Sketch. Tabula Rasa, baby. Tosh was smiling again, warmth in her face. She leaned towards me, her whole demeanor relaxed once again. "You can trust us, you know?" She told me, her words were heavy with gravitas. However, the glittering, glassy drunken shine of her eyes betrayed her and left her looking somewhat unconvincing. Then she semi-hugged me before she stumbled off to the WC mumbling something about "floating down the river".

Jack leaned over, whispered in my ear. "You can, you know? Trust us. Trust me. I can keep a secret. You wouldn't believe how I can keep a secret. Remember? I'm trustworthy." He pitched his voice just so and then grinned. He remembered.

I remembered too and warmth spread across my skin. It was our first real conversation in private—in the TARDIS. I turned my head. My lips brushed over his, silky smooth. That always surprised me. So smooth. Mine were dry. Not so smooth. He was delicious. As our lips connected, our minds gently brushed, intensifying the sensation of warmth. We were sampling various areas of each other's mouths, tongues busy, hands gripped through fabric almost brutally when Owen tapped us on the shoulder. "Not that I don't thoroughly enjoy your public displays of affection." He indicated with a tilt of his head. "And obviously they do too." He pointed towards a cluster of tables with his chin. They were watching avidly, puddles of drool forming on their tables. He put a hand on each of our shoulders. "But maybe it's time to go," he suggested. Oh, wise, wise Owen. What would we do without you? We waited until Tosh made her way back to us. Then we had to convince her to leave with us. She didn't want to go.

"NOOOO. NO WAY. NOT BEFORE I GET MY KISSES." She crossed her arms. Cute. When Owen looked at her blankly, she explained. "My New Year's 'Eve kisses." Hands on hips. Head titled. Eyes sparkled. Sexy. Everyone made a look. Owen looked at Jack. Jack shrugged, looked at me. I looked at Owen. Owen looked at Tosh. We did a lot of looking.

Then suddenly she transformed from cute and sexy to predatory. She lunged at Owen. He didn't back away. Actually, his arms did wrap around her quite quickly. Jack tried to get a better look. I just smiled. Lust was radiating from her form in a spiral of crackling energy—white hot noise—and it held me firmly in place. We watched as she kissed the hell out of him. He stood there stunned. And before we knew it, she turned to Jack and proceeded to kiss the hell out of him too. Only she was out of her league. Jack dipped her, really sunk in. Owen chuckled, the nervous kind. He was on fire, smoldering and wanting more. I waited my turn. Just kept smiling. When they finally came up for air, she wobbled. He pushed her towards me. I caught her, obviously. Then Jack made a lunge for Owen. He was too shocked to back away. Also, I wasn't sure he meant to. Tosh muttered, "Wow. You are soooo lucky." She sighed, dreamily.

I laughed. "Oh, I know Tosh. Believe me. I know." Something flickered in her eyes; it didn't go away.

"Your turn," she announced. Her lips hit mine and I pulled her close. She was soft and curvy. So different from Jack. He was all hard lines and muscle covered by smooth, smooth skin. I could feel her lovely round breasts crushed up against my chest. But in her mouth, I tasted Jack. I groaned, swiped my tongue around her mouth. Eventually, she had to come up for air. We grinned, turned to see what Jack was doing to Owen.

OWEN WATCHED as Tosh maneuvered her three favorite men into a pre-New Year's 'Eve snog-fest. He hadn't wanted to miss the opportunity either. New Year's 'Eve. One of his favorite holidays. Perfect excuse to snog anyone you liked. And you hardly ever got a beating for it.

The look on her face when she targeted him sent him reeling, froze his body rigid, locked him in place. Good god, she was a sexy bird. Then her lips latched onto to his and her luscious body pressed against his and he was lost. It was over before he knew it. He stood there gasping, wanting more.

That kind of kiss usually led to the tearing of clothing and the throwing of bodies up against the nearest surface. He'd been about to return the kiss when she turned and latched onto to Jack. Damn. But the fires kept on burning. Because they were hot, too. Smoking. Hot. He wasn't even jealous. He knew Jack and I were an item. He also knew Tosh didn't have a thing for Jack. Well, no more than anyone else did.

He'd been hoping she'd come back to him and was surprised when she latched onto me. He didn't even see Jack coming. Not until it was too late. Those lips, those hands, and those bloody pheromones. He was powerless. He didn't even notice when he'd started to respond. Only that he did. Desperately. Kissing Jack was like getting your sex-battery charged. Excellent charger. Convenient too. Easy to transport. Jack tasted like berries. Berries dipped in chocolate fudge. His mind kept spinning. He barely registered our presence. He barely registered his need for air. When Jack pulled away he groaned. He was mortified when he heard the sound coming out of his mouth. Jack grinned smugly—the arrogant cheeky bastard.

Tosh was revved, seriously turned on. The words were out of her mouth before she even realized. "Just you two left then." She grinned and pushed me towards Owen.

I balked. "I'm not kissing Owen." I protested. Turned to him, looking for back-up. It wasn't what I expected.

"Why the hell not?" he demanded. "I want to see what all the fuss is about." He strode over and surprised the hell out of me. It had to be the beer. Or maybe Jack. Maybe both. Whatever the cause, he was hard and had something to prove. Tosh stepped closer, got a really good look. She moaned and said something filthy. I tried hard not groan into his mouth. Owen knew he should've stopped, normally would have stopped but the look on Tosh's face just knocked him out. She was horny. She wanted him to kiss me. She wanted to see. He'd give her anything she wanted. He was still riding high on eau de Jack so he wasn't fully himself.

HE WAS PRETTY GOOD. Good technique. I gave him as good as I got. But it was fairly short. It was for Tosh and we both knew it. He stepped away, cleared his throat, gave me an appraising look. "Not bad," he grinned and gave me a subtle nod before he turned to Tosh. The nod was loaded with meaning. We're not going to talk about this again. I'm not into you. You're not into me. This is all Jack's fault. I only did it for Tosh. When he turned to Tosh, she was standing, with the assistance of the table and she was biting her knuckle. The fiery glint in his eye matched hers. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a heap of cash, threw down a wad of money on the table. He looked at Jack, accusingly at first. Then thought, this is all your fault. Considered his future prospects, changed it to actually, this is all your fault and thank you. He smiled and helped Tosh with her coat. "I'll make sure she gets home Jack." He couldn't make it sound like it wasn't an innuendo if he tried. "'Night."

Jack grinned. He loved this part. "See you two tomorrow. Very late in the afternoon." He got a gleeful smile from the both of them. Then he turned to me, "You. Me. Your place. Sound good?" He was eager, hopeful. For the first time, he noticed half the chairs in the pub were angled towards us. Who needs a stage when you've got Torchwood?

Continued in… 30 – Neutral Ground