Chapter 11 - The Funeral

Brian awoke realizing he was alone in bed. Justin was nowhere to be seen. He stepped out of the bed, searching for his lover. Looking everywhere, he came to the conclusion that he was downstairs. It was before six in the morning, and he doubted that Mother Taylor or Molly were up. Grabbing a blanket, he silently, went downstairs.

Once in the lower loft, he went directly to the nursery -the room they had prepared here for the times they stayed at the loft instead of heading to the house.

He knew that today would be difficult. They had to bury their child that afternoon.

He opened the door to the nursery knowing he would find Justin there, like every day in the past week. Justin was lying on the fluffy rug on the floor, curled up into a ball, holding a yellow baby onesie against his chest. Sighing deeply, he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the door, and thought, that this might be the worst day of his life. No he corrected himself, one of his worst days. Parents should not have to bury their children. It was against nature to say good-bye to a child.

He turned around and moved toward Justin. Kneeling near him, he stretched the blanket over him, laid down behind him, and put his arms around Justin. Instinctively, Justin melted into his embrace. Brian knew they had two hours left before everyone would began to barge in here or call.

It had been a week, a week of silence at the loft. Justin hadn't move from the sofa except to go to bed, and Brian hadn't left the loft worried that Justin would do something stupid.

They had two hours. Brian intertwined his fingers with Justin's. He tried to hold back the tears welling behind his eyes. Justin moved slightly. Brian heard the light sniffling. Justin turned around in Brian's embrace and kissed him. His face was wet and his eyes red. He didn't say anything. Brian just held him in his arms and tightened his embrace.

"Just tell me it was a nightmare. Tell me it was a bad dream," Justin's raspy voice pleaded. He hadn't spoken since he woke up the day after they made love the night their child died.

"I can't do that Sunshine," the low tone and the sadness in Brian's voice made it clear to Justin. It wasn't a bad dream, it wasn't a nightmare, and it was a real. And it was a horror.

He clutched Brian more forcefully, until he began to tremble. Justin cried silently for the first time in a week, and Brian held him against his chest. Murmuring low words, to soothe him, "I won't let you go, I promise, I won't let you go Justin. Ever."

Justin chocked out , "He died, --he died --." Silence, "This shouldn't have happened this way. --It shouldn't have happened. It shoul --dn't… it's n -- ot fair, he didn't do anything. Why, Brian, why?"

"Shh," was the only thing Brian could say. He rocked him back and forth, until he wasn't able to hold his own tears. He didn't make any noise. He just let them fall, silently. This time he wasn't strong enough to hold back his pain. So instead of fighting, he let the pain wash over him.


Justin cried himself back to sleep. Brian decided it was for the best, and stayed with him.

He heard the door open and saw Jennifer standing there. He looked at her and whispered, "Shh, he just felt back to sleep."

Nodding silently, she stepped in and whispered back, "I didn't … How are-you Brian?"

"Fine thanks." Brian's voice was low and cold, but he was running his hand over Justin's head through his hair and Jennifer was amazed by this little gesture, which meant so much at that moment.

She took in the scene before her, nodded, turned around, and headed back to her room. The boys didn't need her at the moment.

It was 3:00 pm, time to leave.

Justin woke up from his nap around lunchtime. He didn't eat, and neither did Brian. Despite all that Brian had planned, no one barged into the loft, no one called, and he was grateful to everyone for that.

During the week, while Jennifer stayed at the loft with Justin, Brian had arranged everything with Father Tom. No church, just a small ceremony that would take place at the cemetery. He even asked Father Tom to do the eulogy, something short and beautiful.

4:00 pm. – The cemetery.

A tomb, a little family circle, Daphne and Matt, Jennifer, Tucker and Molly, Debbie and Carl, Michael, Ben and Hunter, Emmett and Drew, Ted and Blake. Mel was at the house with the kids but Corinne was there with Mrs. Stevenson.

Mel had brought Gus to the loft around 1:00, before heading to Debbie. He wanted his father. Brian took time to explain to his son that Justin was sad today because something bad had happened. Gus nodded his head, and stayed with Justin the whole time, sitting with him on the sofa and running his hand along his head like Momma did the night before with him.

Daphne was leaning heavily against Matt, crying silently, her right hand clutching Justin's left one. Brian was standing near him. Justin had entwined his fingers with Brian's and moved a little closer.

The service was short and beautiful. The sun was shining, reflecting its rays over the white lilies lying on top of the clear oak coffin.

Father Tom stood silent a few seconds, the eulogy was finished, but he said one last prayer:

"Blessing For Comfort in Time of Grief

May you see God's light on the path ahead

when the road you walk is dark.

May you always hear, even in your hour of sorrow,

the gentle singing of the lark.

When times are hard may hardness never turn your heart to stone.

May you always remember when the shadows fall you do not walk alone."

"Amen"

Brian looked up, he recognized the prayer, but didn't say anything. Like the tradition stated, Father Tom asked if anyone had something to say. Sadly the little boy hadn't survived long enough for anyone to say anything. Corinne stood in front of the little coffin with a crimson rose bud in her hand.

"I bought this on my way here. I wasn't sure." She looked around and Brian nodded.

"It's a dark red rose." She put the flower over the lilies. "My dad always said that flowers are to say 'I love you' to someone. Long ago, I learned that each color is different, this one is because you're gone." Corinne pulled something from her inner pocket and laid it over the bud she had just deposited, it was a bud from a white rose, "And this one is because we will always remember you."

Brian looked at Corinne and nodded. He felt like he was about to collapse, when he felt Justin shiver against him. If Justin wasn't leaning against him, he may have collapsed in front of everyone. Corinne had told everyone what Daphne, Justin, and he were thinking. Daphne looked toward Corinne and said in a low and tight voice, "You're right, this is exactly what flowers are for, thanks for him."

Corinne nodded and smiled sadly at her.

Father Tom was finished and everyone slowly left the cemetery. Brian, Justin, Daphne, and Matt were the last to go. As Brian began to walk away, Justin stayed behind.

Matt helped Daphne climb into the car. As he closed the door, he looked over to where Justin was still standing.

"Is he all right?"

"Don't know," answered Brian simply, and then he nodded toward the car. "Is she all right?"

Matt looked over at Daphne, "She will be, I will do everything in my power to help her."

Brian nodded, "You're a good man, Matt, she's lucky to have you on her side."

"You're a good man too," smiled Matt.

Brian huffed and shook his head. But Matt grabbed his arm, and stopped him from walking away. "Brian, I've known you for a long time now, and I've learned to see under all the bullshit you show to everyone else. And with Daphne at my side talking about you, you don't stand a chance."

Brian looked at Matt, a smile playing on his mouth. He didn't say anything and walked back to Justin.

As he walked over to Justin, he looked at the young man, still standing there, his sunglasses protecting his eyes.

"Hey," whispered Brian.

Justin turned around, and whispered back, "Is everyone' gone?"

Brian nodded, reached for Justin's hand, and clasped it tightly. He pulled Justin's body against his not giving his partner a chance to resist. He rubbed slow circles down Justin's back, in hope to soothe the grieving young man. "You're all right in here," Brian whispered, placing a kiss against his lover's hair, feeling a slight nod beneath his lips.

"Debbie asked everyone to come to her house."

Justin shook his head, "Don't want to go."

Brian nodded he figured that much, "I know, but we have to go." Justin shook his head, and Brian whispered, "I know you don't want to."

"It's all right," whispered Justin.

Brian parked the car on Debbie's street, and they walked the rest of the way.

As Brian pulled the door open, Gus launched himself into Brian's arms, and extended his arms toward Justin.

Justin smiled sadly at the little boy, gave him a kiss, and retreated into his old room.

Brian moved into the living room where he sat down near Mel, with his son. Debbie was serving some food to everyone, and stopped in front of Brian.

"How're you holding up?" Debbie asked Brian with concern.

He shrugged. Michael, who was in the kitchen, made a move to walk to Brian, but Ben shook his head. "Nothing you could say or do would ease his pain, Michael, let him grieve."

"Ben, you don't understand, he's…" Michael stopped and looked over toward his best friend. "You're right, maybe, it's better, I just let him know we are here for them." Ben nodded his agreement, and kissed him. For once in his life, Michael listened to his husband, and left Brian in peace.

Brian was sitting on the sofa, rubbing his temple. After two hours, he checked on Justin and found him asleep. He asked Debbie if they could spend the night after getting permission from Mel if Gus could stay with them, since the child was already fast asleep on the sofa. Mel agreed without a fuss. Jennifer, Tucker, and Molly left shortly after.

Slowly the rest of the gang left too.

Debbie and Carl cleaned the kitchen, while Brian rested on the sofa watching his son sleep. As Debbie and Carl moved to go upstairs, Brian picked Gus up from the couch and headed up too, towards Justin's old room. Debbie followed him with a little mattress, the old one from Gus's old bed. She laid it on the floor and quickly made the bed for the young boy. Brian stripped his son of his clothes and pulled the covers over him.

As he stood up, Debbie patted his cheek. "You're a good man and a good father Brian. Take care, kiddo."

Brian smiled and quietly replied, "Thanks Mom."

"Will you be all right?"

"Think so," Brian stated, while watching over Justin's sleeping form.

Debbie shook her head, closed the door, and headed to her bedroom. Brian switched on the little night-light, on the desk and stripped his clothes off too. Then he climbed behind Justin in the bed.

He wrapped himself around the young man, closed his eyes, and hoped that sleep would come fast.