A/N: To anyone who ended up finding a completely unreadable mess when Ch.37 was first published, just blame it on MS Word screwing up.
Tennessee the merry: Voila next part of torture!
Traum: I want the Monopoly board as well, but sadly not to be. Ah well. Think was screwing up again, but it's stopped now, thank God.
Glinda: This fic is hardly an epic. I do occasionally write songfics, but only if I get suitably inspired and my meals haven't been too rich in carbohydrates.
VMorticia: Again, perverted Dark Lord and Draco? Scary. Then again, if we're talking Tom as he was in the CoS movie, then hmmm. Quite appealing under those circumstances…
Dr. Thinker: Glad you're enjoying this!
Wanderer: Zeus was pretty much a male whore in my opinion. I STILL can't get hold of a scanner, so the pics won't be up anytime in the near future. And you read the List for Life? You brave person. A Blue Aftershock is an alcoholic shot drink made from cinnamon, vodka, and Lord knows what else. All I know is that it a) really clears your sinuses, and b) you daren't put it anywhere near paint.
Silverrain: I won't comment. Needless to say, Hades will sing if he knows what's good for him. He wasn't originally going to, but it's amazing what a man will do for free food. And tell the masses to leave another review!
Nasketch: The gods are supposed to have human characteristics. The original myths were written with that in mind. And Seph is fallible, believe me. And what's wrong with being pro-Gryffindor anyway? JKR made her characters fallible as well. None of the Gryffindors are perfect either.
Sarah Black: Well obviously Bremos wouldn't be there! And Cerberus is absolutely brilliant to write. After many years around animals, I can make a rough guess at how they think.
Liesel: People are passing the link to this fic onto their friends…Very glad you read it and liked it!
Exploding Snap: I didn't have to imagine Hades stuffing his face while that happened. He was sitting next to me, eating the contents of my fridge while I wrote the last chapter.
Lirenel: All the Zeus-haters are really coming out in force right now! V. funny!
Worldtraveler: 'Tis OK to be confused. I knew some people might be. Rhea was trying to say that she and Seph are very much alike and that's why she approves of her. And don't worry, the kitties won't get Cerberus!
Doinkchan: 250th REVIEWER! I will second the Zeus-torture!
YunCyn: Hercules will definitely see his dad getting humiliated…And more Bremos-Nike to come!
Oompa: I don't take praise well. I get all red and embarrassed. But thank you very much!
No need to know: Basically the little dance is based on the irritating little dance my dad always does when a) the bathroom's occupied, b) when I'm trying to wind up my mum, and c) when someone buys him wine gums. Sad, sad man.
If you still can't picture it, watch the episode 'Hercules and the Visit from Zeus.' Hades does the little dance right before Cerberus tries to eat the mortal Zeus.
Melora: One verse of Happy Birthday for Silverrain, and then you can go raid the fridge.
Hades: Not convinced.
Melora: I'll make a big fatty cholesterol-filled fry-up for you...
Hades: Tempt me not with your siren's song, woman!
Melora: Not even for extra bacon?
Hades: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy ridiculously late birthday Silverrain, happy birthday to you…
Melora: Good boy.
Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, the two lions, and the bump are all mine. No stealing. Hades and anything else that isn't mine belongs to Disney. Rip them off to your hearts' content.
/.../ denotes thoughts
/italics/ denotes canine communication. (You'll see what I mean.)
I Won't Say It Part 38
This was beautiful.
This was absolutely beautiful.
Persephone instinctively raised a hand to her ears to check her earplugs were still in place.
'I knew you'd never be able to be a good husband to Hera!! You just can't keep your unit in your kitan for more than five minutes around a woman, oh noooo!! And then as soon as you find someone suitable, you have to do something ridiculous!! As soon as Metis became pregnant, you ATE her!! And what you keep doing to those poor women is nothing compared to your bloody ego-complex!!'
/He ate his first wife!? Ok, I've heard of irreconcilable differences, but sheeez…/
Bremos had managed to draw blood from biting his lip so hard while trying not to laugh. At some point fairly early on in the lecture, Zeus had managed to both wet himself and start gibbering. Poseidon was curled up in a foetal position trying to block out his mother's voice.
Proteus had long since collapsed on the floor, after having what amounted to a full-blown hysterical fit. Asclepius was slouched next to his cousin, already in tears from laughing so much. Hyllus and Voluptas were holding each other and trying desperately to stifle their sniggers in each other's shoulders.
/Memo to me: mercilessly tease Hyllus later./
Nike was leaning against the god of the undead, arms around her stomach trying not to howl at the sight of the king of the gods looking for a fast exit.
The god of the undead looped his arms around Nike's waist and held her up, still trying to repress the sniggering fit bouncing around in the vicinity of his lungs.
Hey, it was something to tell the grandchildren.
'You think you're so damned wonderful, all of humanity singing your praises!! Well guess what! You wouldn't even have a cloud to rule over unless Prometheus had stepped in!! And what did you do!? Chained him to a rock!! And YOU called HIM barbaric!? At least he has a sense of humour!! At least he knows what fidelity is!! I've never heard Asia complain once about him!!' (1)
Zeus's lower lip was wobbling violently. His own mother thought some obnoxious know-it-all Titan was better than he was.
Wait a minute…wasn't his mother a Titaness?
Oooooh…this wasn't fair.
'How many notches on your bedpost are you up to now, hmmm!? A hundred at the last count?! And how many of those poor women ended up bearing children whom you took NO responsibility for!? Don't you dare look relieved Poseidon, your record with the fairer sex is nothing to be proud of!!'
Poseidon just tried to pretend this wasn't happening. If Amphitrite ever found out about this…
/Momsie can't know about all the other women…what about Medusa!? She'll never let that one lie…/
'You just had to be paranoid, didn't you!! Eating Metis!? What did she ever do to deserve that!? And Themis!? Do you know how long she was in labour when the Fates were born!? If she hadn't been immortal, she would've died!! But noooo, you had to put her through the same thing twice more with the Seasons and the Thriai!! Mnemosyne was actually crying when I told her she was carrying the Muses!! How those lovely girls could be your daughters is frankly beyond me!!'
Wincing at the decibel level, Hades counted off on his fingers how many women comprised his own list of conquests.
All…two…of them, Seph included.
Menthe didn't technically count as a conquest since he hadn't even been remotely interested in her. Swanning around Greece and throwing herself at the god of the dead when she knew damn well he was married with a family…
At least adultery was kinda hard to commit when you were a plant. Seph had seen to that.
Eeeeesh.
Torment peered round a boulder and grabbed Panic's binoculars, his older brother still attached to them. 'He's getting confused.'
Agony whimpered. 'So can we leave now?'
Panic managed to untangle himself from his binoculars and hovered over his brothers' heads. 'No way. Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out the dog's trying to maim his mom's lions.'
Pain grinned. 'You mean, if he finds out.' (2)
'Whaddya mean if he finds out!? Of course he's gonna…' The skinny green imp stopped himself.
'If. If is…waiiiit a second. If never works!!'
The purple imp sighed. 'So we have to do this?'
'Guess so. Rock, paper, scissors?' Agony looked over to his twin for confirmation.
Torment frowned. 'Best two out of three. Delay as much as we can.'
Cerberus was getting grouchy.
Cerberus was getting very grouchy.
The kitties kept moving and he couldn't see when they moved, but they kept moving and he didn't like it!!
Kitties were meant to run away as soon as he appeared. These kitties weren't scared at all!
Did that mean…
Was he not scary any more?
Were the kitties going to replace him because he wasn't scary any more?
The giant dog's heads drooped. He wasn't scary any more. That would mean he wasn't going to be able to live in the Underworld any more. He wouldn't be able to play with the chew-toys any more.
He wouldn't be able to go for walkies with Bremos any more!!
He wouldn't be able to protect master Seph any more!!
He wouldn't be able to see the pup when it was born!!
No!!
No kitties were going to stop him from looking after the pup!!
Cerberus's six red eyes blazed as he snarled. That was it. No kitties, no matter how tough or scary they were, no kitties were going to stop him from protecting his masters!!
Panthera delicately raised an eyebrow. As always, the dog got the wrong idea. Maybe the cat chess had gone on long enough.
'What's got your inner wolf worked up?'
Cerberus growled. He was getting really mad now.
/You're mean kitties!! You're trying to take my masters and the pup away from me!! Well, I won't let you!! You want to take Seph and Bremos and the pup away, you have to fight me!!/
If it hadn't been so incredibly undignified, Leo would have slipped off the palace dock. As it was, he settled for a slightly shocked expression. How had the mutt come to that conclusion?
/You may be big and tough, but I can be big and tough too!!/
The lioness quickly intervened. 'Why do you think we're trying to take away your masters?'
Cerberus actually had something approaching tears in his eyes. /You're in the Underworld 'cos you're here to take Bremos and Seph and the pup away from me!!/
Leo's eyes widened. 'We're not about to encroach on your territory, trust me!'
The guard dog frowned. /Huh?/
'We're not taking anything away from you. We're the chariot pullers and servants of the Great Mother Rhea. We have a job already.'
The first head tilted slightly, confused. /You're not taking my masters away?/
'No! If anything, we're here to make sure you get your masters back. The Great Mother is on Olympus making sure that Persephone can return to the Underworld, along with Bremos and the cub.'
/Pup./
'Whatever you say.'
The first head thought for a second. It looked painful. /So…the pretty lady you were with is going to get Seph back?/
'Yes.'
/Who's the pretty lady?/
Panthera groaned. This could take a while. 'She's the Great Mother Rhea, goddess of fertility and childbirth.'
Cerberus looked blank.
'She's Hades's mother, 'kay?'
/Master Hades…is Rhea's pup?/
'I…guess so, yeah.'
/Oh, alright./ The first head looked relieved.
There was a brief pause.
The second head snarled. /You're in the Underworld 'cos you're here to take Bremos and Seph and the pup away from me!!/
The two lions shared a look.
This could take a while.
Zelos, the god of rivalry and cupbearer to Zeus, nudged his brothers in the sides as he stared at the assembled gods.
'I didn't think Zeus and Poseidon could ever end up in this much trouble.'
'Yeah. Wonder who squealed on them?' Cratos, god of force glared over the possible choices. All of Zeus's kids were too loyal to him, so that ruled out most of Olympus. Ditto any of Poseidon's brats, except maybe the shapeshifting kid, Protozoa, Proetus…Proteus, that was it.
The Underworld gods…
Hades was an obvious choice, but nah. Even a guy who tried to take over Olympus wouldn't do something like that. Persephone…no way.
The bratty flame-topped kid of Hades though…
Brimstone…? Brimo…?
Bremos. Nothing could be put past him.
'Don't think I don't know what happened with Thoosa and Halia, Po-po!! Or Aphrodite!! And the Gorgons!? Oh, you didn't think I heard about that!? In Athena's temple no less!! Have you no shame!?'
Sadly, their work ethics meant they couldn't simply go punch out the kid just because they thought he was the one who ratted out their master to his mother.
A furious noise from his left prompted Zelos to glance at his slightly younger brother. 'Ok, what's wrong now Bia?'
The god of force was turning an interesting shade of puce as he glared at the figure next to Bremos. 'Urge to hurt god of undead rising rapidly.'
'We kinda guessed that. What's getting you…so…' Cratos trailed off as the three brothers stared wordlessly at the winged goddess currently collapsed on Bremos's shoulder.
The urge to hurt Bremos irreparably suddenly rose threefold.
'And that lovely girl of Atlas's!! You bloody well seduced her and left her!! At least Hermes turned out more like Maia than you!! Cronus knows he had to inherit his charm from somewhere!! And Eurynome!? How could you?! The Graces had to make up for you!! But Aix I just do not understand!! A goat-woman?!'
At least this was turning out to be an educational afternoon.
Bremos smirked widely as he watched Zeus stick his head in a cloudbank in an effort to block out the noise and/or attempt suicide.
His grin faded as he saw Hercules approach Hades with a look clearly stating that it couldn't kill, but it would cause a very painful rash.
'Hades, what have you said about my father to cause this?!'
The Lord of the Dead looked fairly non-plussed. 'Hey, I'm innocent in this. Go talk to the brats if you want answers.'
'My son would never do something like this. It has to be you or your son who caused this.'
Hades's hair and temper flared. 'Oversharing. Leave Bremos out of this.'
'He's a bad influence on Hyllus!'
'Pardon me? Really rich coming from one of Zeus's brats.'
This earned him a fist straight in the gut. And Hades was not one to let an insult lie.
At least not without insurance details being exchanged.
Fights between their fathers were worth it simply for the comedy value, but family loyalty stated that Bremos should try to bail his dad out of this one.
He probably would have succeeded had Zeus's muscle-boys not surrounded him and lifted him off the floor.
'Ummm, hi guys.'
'You didn't think Hades would act uncivilised after you shoved him into the Underworld?! How else was he supposed to act when his older brothers, the ones who were supposed to look out for him and protect him, were too busy screwing half the female population of Greece to give a damn?!'
Nike just cringed. This was officially the most humiliating experience of her life.
Zelos hoisted the younger god about six feet into the air and snarled.
'Whaddya think you're doing with our baby sister?'
'I'll stick with the generic retort and say 'what are you on about'?'
'Don't play dumb.' Bia cracked his knuckles. 'Nike is our little sister. Don't act like you don't know.'
Even from his current position, Bremos was still able to fold his arms and glare at Nike without losing any vital parts of his anatomy.
'This was the little something you were conveniently not telling me, wasn't it?'
'Ummm, whoops?'
'Since I quite like having my body in its current state, then I won't say I'll kill you later.'
Cratos smiled coldly. 'You tryin' to be smart?'
'Guys, stop it.' The goddess of victory yanked on Zelos's arms. 'You may be strong, but you know I can defeat you.'
'Nike, quit it. We're trying to look after you here. And that means keeping you away from this little flame-topped jerk.'
'You aren't Athena, or Daddy, or Mom. Grow up.'
Bremos shifted so that his toga pin wasn't digging into his arm. 'I resent the 'flame-topped jerk' comment.'
'You hang around Nike much longer, you'll resent it even more buddy.'
'You thought I'd forget what happened after the war!? Well, guess what!! It's a little hard to forget when your own son betrays you and cuts you out of your part of the COSMOS!!'
Every single head whirled round to glare at Zeus, currently sticking his fingers in his ears and humming a little song to drown out the therapy fees.
Bremos landed unceremoniously on the floor as Zelos dropped him.
Persephone quickly pulled out her earplugs as the last line registered.
Even Hades and Hercules stopped sniping at each other long enough to stare in amazement.
None of them had heard about that part.
Zeus finally pulled his fingers out of his ears and straightened up. 'Mother, really. I had to divide it equally. Hades, Po-po and I were all to receive our own domains. It just wouldn't have split four ways.' He offered a desperate grin at the end.
Crickets could be heard chirping up to five hundred miles away.
'And…and…you still have Crete! You still have all those followers! The humans all honour you!'
The god of the undead couldn't resist a jibe.
'Zeus, listen real closely to Earth. Hear that? It's the sound of humanity not giving a flying fu--'
The rest of this comment was lost as soon as Nike and Hyllus forcibly gagged their friend.
'I believe my grandson summed it up quite perfectly.' Rhea folded her arms and glared at her sons.
'And unless either of you have something to say, then I'd like to propose something.'
Zeus and Poseidon cringed.
This was going to hurt the old egos.
'Ok, so are all of you clear on the situation?' Leo stared at Cerberus's heads.
Trying to explain what was happening on Olympus to one head was bad enough.
Trying to explain what was happening on Olympus to three heads and a tail was a migraine waiting to happen.
/So Master Seph's going to come back here with Bremos and the pup?/ The tail was wagging so fast it was a blur.
Panthera rolled her eyes. 'YES.'
/And I'll get to see the pup once it's born and everything?/
'YES!'
The giant guard dog barked happily before charging off to find his squeaky toys. Everything was going to be alright!! Master Seph was coming back!! And so were Bremos and the pup!!
The two lions sighed as they watched Cerberus tear off.
Three heads.
No brains.
Sheeesh.
'And you wouldn't tell me earlier because…?'
Bremos winced as he sat back next to the goddess of victory. His neck and right arm were busy competing for the title of 'Most Painful Appendage' after Nike's brothers had threatened him with bodily mutilation should he harm even one feather on their baby sister's wings.
'Because you were being an obnoxious jerk.'
'I'm always obnoxious. It's part of my job description.'
Nike stared at her hands. 'Yeah, well, you were more so than normal. I may get annoyed with them, but they're my brothers, and I don't like people insulting them.'
Ouch. Guilt trip.
Even worse, it was working.
/Urrgh. I know I'm not even supposed to think this, but bloody women./
The god of the undead frowned slightly. It was risky, but he had to try it.
He just prayed there were no witnesses for this.
'I'm…I'm…jeez this is weird…I'm...y'know...the S-word.'
Nike stared at him wide-eyed. Unless her hearing was going, she had just heard Bremos...
'You're actually…S-word…?'
'…Mmmmnh.'
She tilted her head in amusement. 'The son of Hades? Saying the S-word? Are you ill?'
'Hey!'
He pulled his face straight into a pout purely to see what happened.
The soft slap on the arm didn't come.
But a slightly nervous and very sweet kiss did.
Persephone tried not to laugh at her husband's expression. 'If you value your health, you will not tease him!'
The expression on Hades's face was the biggest pair of pleading eyes he could muster.
'It's my parental right and duty to embarrass him with this. C'mooooon, please?'
'No.'
'Please?'
'No.'
'I'll tell my mom.'
'Tough luck. She likes me.'
'Damn.'
'You sound so disappointed.'
'Yeah. I get the evil mother-in-law, you get the nice one. I don't see the fairness of the situation.'
Rhea rolled her eyes at her youngest son. 'The fairness of the situation is that Zeus decreed that you can visit Seph up here, and I promise that I'll be present when the baby's born.'
'And I'm not complaining about that. I just want the opportunity to annoy, humiliate and otherwise embarrass my own flesh and blood before the next brat's born.'
The goddess of rebirth sighed. 'Rhea? One thing I've been meaning to ask…'
'Go ahead.'
'Sibling rivalry. How do you prevent it?'
The goddess of fertility and childbirth spared a sympathetic glance at her daughter-in-law's stomach.
'Too late.'
TBC
(1) From what I found out, after Hercules freed him from the rock, Prometheus married the Oceanid Asia and had a daughter, Aidos, with her. Bless. Any guy who can retain his sense of humour even after being chained to a rock for eternity is cool by me.
(2) You knew it had to happen eventually!
Hades: For once I don't feel the need to insult you.
Melora: That's a first.
Hades: True, yeah. But I'm still gonna annoy you until you tell me what sex the new brat is.