When he got back Clara hadn't moved. He took her a mug of tea and sat on the side of the bed. "Please talk to me, it's just us."
"Where's Ethan? Is he okay?" she looked concerned and sat up quickly.
"He's fine, he's with Grace having a bonding session with Lizzie. You're not though, so talk to me." Danny wasn't giving up. No Ethan meant no excuse for her to get out of this.
Clara sighed, bringing her knees up to her chest, "it's all so stupid. You shouldn't need to worry."
Picking up her tea and almost forcing her to take it, Danny shook his head. "It's not. Whatever this is it's upsetting you which makes it my problem too. Unfortunately my psychic powers aren't working today so I'm gonna need a hint."
That provoked a small smile and a sip of tea before she finally opened up to him. "Last night I was genuinely happy for James and Grace. And I still am, but it just brings back all those feelings. And then on top of that…" she paused but Danny encouraged her to keep going. "I love Ethan so much, I really love him with all my heart, but it's been so hard Danny. I sound terrible…"
"Oh sweetheart no you don't," he took her tea out of the way and hugged her tight. "I love you so much and it's okay, it's okay to feel like this. You spend so much of the time on your own with Ethan while I'm working-"
"But he's my son! I love him, I shouldn't feel like this it's selfish and awful," she cried into his shoulder as Danny fought any effort from her to push away.
He rubbed her back softly, kissing her head. "Clara you're human, it's okay. You're an incredible Mummy to our little boy, he loves you so much. It's not selfish, it's not awful. Do you think you need to talk to someone?"
Clara shook her head, "it's not that bad. Not yet. But I need to talk to you I know that."
"I can work with that. First thing we're going to do is go for a walk, just you and me. Fresh air has a lot to answer for," he smiled and stood up, holding his hand out.
#-#-#-#
They walked mostly in silence for quite a while. Danny had driven them out of town and it felt like a whole new world. In fact when the silence was finally broken all they could see around them were fields, trees and a river. "What do I do?"
"There's no I, Clara." Danny corrected her. "The question is what do we do?. The answer is we need to work out how to stop you feeling so isolated. You've got the group to go through which is great, and you're never missing a night out with Grace because you need those, but we need to think what else we can do."
"I miss running, getting out in the open air like this with my own thoughts…" she suggested, not wanting to ask too much of Danny.
He nodded, "we can work with that. You can go out before I go to work, or in the evenings? And I bet there is a way you can run with a stroller too… they've invented everything these days."
Danny kissed her head softly, "let me help you. Just because I'm working doesn't mean I can't do anything for you. I'll be a zombie at work any day over seeing you struggle."
"What did I do to deserve you?" she asked and smiled gently.
"Well…" he started. Clara giggled a little. "I love that noise," Danny smiled softly.
"Do you love it if I'm doing this?" she asked, suddenly jumping at him and tickling him, laughing at his shock.
"Okay I surrender!" he called out and laughed. Clara jumped down but he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her as they both smiled. "Feels so long since we did anything like this." Clara agreed but stayed quiet, shutting her eyes and taking in moment. They'd had a bit of a time of it recently, so much had changed, but they were here and maybe it would be okay.
She held onto him until they started to get chilly standing still. "We should get going," Clara sighed.
Danny nodded, rubbing her back softly. "Fancy a nice dinner before we pick up the little man?"
"You have no idea how much I would love that," Clara replied, a smile returning to her face.
#-#-#-#
As the weeks went by Ethan became stronger and he was really starting to settle into a routine. Clara had started pushing the timings on his naps and feeds to give them some kind of stability while making sure they got out regularly, including the weekly trip to the playgroup.
"Blimey he's grown in the last week," Jen came over, arriving a little later than usual.
Clara smiled, "I know, he's made so much progress - really catching up given his corrected age. Very amused by his feet at the moment," she chuckled a little as Ethan was trying hard to get his foot to his mouth. "Don't need toys at the moment really."
"Oh gosh I remember that stage," Jen grinned and got the girls out and sorted to play. "These two are starting to get noisy aren't you huh? Mobile too," she pointed as Esther immediately started rolling over and reaching for toys. "Lucy is a little more laid back, lets her sister do the work."
"They're doing so great - as are you! You look absolutely glowing today," Clara smiled and moved for her to sit down.
Jen returned the smile as she sat. "How're things going at home then? Is he settling into the routine? I know you said you were concerned."
Clara was so grateful for being able to be so open and honest with Jen. "Yeah I guess things are getting there. I'm certainly a lot less stressed," she explained.
"There's something you're not telling me," Jen raised an eyebrow. "I'm really good at reading people."
"No kidding," Clara chuckled. "Don't worry, it's nothing to do with Ethan. Personal life stuff you know how it is," she shrugged.
Esther chose this moment to roll into her sister causing Lucy to start crying. Jen picked her up, "oh dear me you're a sensitive soul Lucy Parker," she sat the young girl on her lap and looked up to Clara. "You know we can actually discuss things other than the kids here."
Ethan clearly decided that he was feeling left out at this moment and started to grizzle, kicking his legs out. "Not sure the kids agree," Clara picked him up. "You being a cheeky monkey? Are you? Mummy's a little busy right now," she carefully stood him up on the floor, taking most of his weight. "But this is all you want to do at the moment isn't it?" As soon as he was upright Ethan immediately went back to gurgling happily. "Clever clever boy aren't you, keeping Mummy smiling."
Jen smiled, taking the hint and ending that conversation for now. "He's doing so well, you're a great Mum Clara."
There wasn't much response to that.
#-#-#-#
"Clara Pink get yourself over here right now," Danny called from the lounge. Clara was in the kitchen and distracted by a text from Jen asking how she was getting on. That woman had seriously good senses. "Oi wife you in there?" Finally she came out of her daydream and put her phone away without replying, going through to the lounge.
Danny was sat on the floor with Ethan who seemed happy to be staring at the ceiling. "I was happily in my own mind there what's so urgent?" she asked.
Simply receiving a grin in return, Clara watched as Danny rolled Ethan onto his stomach. Immediately he pulled his usual disappointed face before starting to push up a little and rolling onto his back. "Ta da!" Danny grinned up at Clara who was stood in shock but smiling widely.
"Look at you! You happy there little man? Can get your own way now," she knelt down beside Ethan and gently tickled his stomach, "tummy time is gonna be a fight huh?" He immediately started giggling causing Danny and Clara to share a look.
They both quickly looked back down at their son, "a day of firsts. He's growing so fast," Danny smiled. "I have a question for you," he looked up and Clara followed. "Well it's half term next week, what if we get away? All three of us."
Sitting up straight, Clara bit the inside of her lip a little. "I don't know Danny, we've just got this routine going and a new environment-"
"Might be exactly what you both need," Danny interrupted her. "Clara you've barely seen more than this house, the playgroup and the café you go to with Grace for months. We'll keep the routine of course, it will be good I promise - fresh country air."
He was right - of course - he was always right. "Okay, but I have conditions." Danny nodded, waiting for a response. "I want somewhere with a big bath and there absolutely has to be a log fire."
Danny laughed, "deal. Guess we are going away kiddo."
"In the meantime we need to feed this little munchkin and get him to bed," she picked up Ethan carefully. "Fancy putting the kettle on?"
"For you? Always."
Smiling softly, she stood up with Ethan and made their way upstairs. He seemed so energetic tonight, smiling away as she got him changed before sitting in the nursing chair to feed him. She sung quietly as he fed in an attempt to stop him wriggling quite so much and it seemed to do the trick. 20 minutes later however he finished up and immediately started up again. Clara just about managed to get him winded before giving in and letting him go on the playmat in the nursery.
Danny appeared with tea now, "someone is far too awake," he chuckled at Ethan. "Really loves grabbing at those toys now too."
"Mmm definitely knows what he's going for these days too. That white dog is definitely his favourite," Clara leant into Danny when he stood at her side. He kissed her head softly and they took a moment to just enjoy the company and the beautiful sight of their playful happy little boy.
Unfortunately they couldn't stay there for too long and it was a grizzle from Ethan that disturbed the peace. Clara leant down and picked him up, "right then, shall we try and get you into bed mister? Something tells me you're going to be difficult tonight."
She wasn't wrong either. Two hours after she'd put him down Clara was sat on the sofa watching her son cry on the video monitor. He just wouldn't settle tonight and she had no idea why - there were no signs of illness, he wasn't hungry, but he was determined not to sleep. Each time she went up to settle him he immediately just wanted to play. Danny walked into her view and turned the small screen off, leaving the volume on but getting Clara's attention. "We have to wait," he crouched down and took her hands. "Try not to get too tense love it won't help you or him."
"I just hate hearing him cry and not being able to do anything," she sighed and leant forward so their foreheads met. "How long?" Danny did the timing, Clara had to resist staring at the clock.
"5 minutes, we'll go up in 2 if he hasn't stopped. Clara you've not done anything wrong, he's just being a little tricky tonight."
"Why are you always right?" she complained but smiled a little. "Thank you. You should still attempt to get to bed soon - you do have work tomorrow."
Danny nodded, "I'm not leaving you while you're like this though. Let's just keep going. I'll go up this time, you drink your tea and try to relax."
He was gone before she could disagree. Clara sipped at her tea and turned the video screen back on, watching as Danny settled Ethan. Her boys. When she finished her tea she put the mug down and walked upstairs. "Hey you got him to sleep," she pointed out.
"Yep. Reckon we should try and sleep while he does?" Danny suggested.
"Might be a plan."
They put Ethan down and made their way to bed, both completely knackered.
#-#-#-#
"Clara we really don't need to take his whole room," Danny walked in with Ethan to find Clara packing yet another bag. "We are only going for 5 days."
She stood up with a frown, "with a 5 month old. We can't just pack a few clothes and hope for the best."
"I know that, i'm just saying maybe we've got enough now," Danny walked over. "Plus this little man is getting grumpy - it's feed time before we go."
Clara sighed, "sorry I just don't want to take too little. I didn't mean to get snappy."
"I know love. You take Ethan and I'll finish off here. Deep breaths, we'll be out in the countryside soon," he let Clara take Ethan and then rubbed her back softly. "Relax - it's going to be fun."
He was probably right, he was, but that didn't stop Clara from staring into space as Ethan fed. She jumped when her phone rang, shocking her son a little and Clara found herself simultaneously settling him back while trying to answer it. "Oh, hi Dad, wasn't expecting you to ring."
"Well it's been a while since we spoke, I thought it was worth a catch up, where's my little grandson?"
He'd videocalled, Clara was being very careful about the positioning of the phone. "Feeding, so you probably don't want to see him right now," she smiled. "I've missed our chats…"
"Well me too, but it's you that stopped ringing love," Dave pointed out. Clara sighed and looked down at Ethan briefly before back up.
"I didn't get much choice Dad. I take it Linda didn't tell you then?" she mumbled a little.
"Linda? Oh Clara don't tell me you two have fallen out again?" Dave sounded disappointed - this was exactly why she hadn't told him.
Clara had to put the phone down as Ethan finished up and she needed to rearrange him so he rested over her shoulder. "She turned up here a few months ago. Started telling me I was stealing you from her and all that. Then she absolutely terrified Ethan and for weeks he wouldn't be in a room without us."
It took a moment for her Dad to process that information. "Clara I-"
She picked up the phone again, "Dad now really isn't the time for this discussion. I have to go, we're taking a few days away. When we get back maybe you should come and visit."
"That sounds good. Clara I'm sorry if I'd have known-" he started but she quickly interrupted.
"Not now. Honestly, I can't start it now. But before I go," she shifted Ethan back down again now he was content and switched the camera over. "Your little grandson is growing."
Dave smiled at the screen, "wow he's really getting a little chubster! Beautiful little boy. You're doing great with him Clara I'm so proud. Have a lovely few days, I'll see you when you're back love."
They hung up and she chucked her phone down, picking Ethan up so he stood on her legs. "My beautiful little boy. You're the best thing that ever happened to me you know that?"
"Hey!" Danny was stood in the door, pretending to look annoyed.
Clara chuckled, "I think Daddy's jealous. He'll just have to put up with it isn't he because you're my best boy. You gonna have your nap now buddy? We've got a long car journey ahead," she grabbed his dummy and put him carefully in the travel cot and thankfully he happily settled down. "Let's get going while he's happy shall we?"
"Sounds like a plan to me," Danny smiled and picked up the travel cot.
They made it off with Ethan asleep and chatted quietly between themselves as they went. In fact when they reached their destination without a peep they were both rather surprised given how poorly he'd been sleeping recently. "Wow, that is some kind of miracle," Clara commented as she turned around to look in the back. "He's so beautiful."
Danny smiled, looking back too, "takes after his mother." Clara hit him after his comments but couldn't help but grin a little. "We should get unpacked while this lasts. It's been nearly 2 and a half hours after all - it's not going to last much longer."
Walking into the cottage was an immediate calm. Clara walked over to the window and looked out to the gorgeous view. "Okay I give in, this was a good idea," she smiled.
"Clara Pink did I just hear you admit you were wrong?" he gasped jokingly and came behind her to look out.
"No no, I admitted you were right. Very different things," she chuckled. Their moment was however ended by a small whimper from behind them. "Aaand he's awake," Clara turned around and got him out of the car seat. "Hello my little angel, did you sleep all the way here like a good boy? Did you? Mummy is really proud of you."
Danny smiled at their interaction, "bet someone's hungry now though eh?" he grinned at Ethan's little face scrunching up. "Why doesn't Mummy feed you and then I'll feed Mummy - that a good deal?"
"That sounds like a great deal to me," Clara replied, "I too am starving."
"In that case, I'll just pop to the shop down the road," Danny kissed her quickly and left.
Sitting down with Ethan, Clara started him feeding and settled back. She felt so calm finally, away with her boys. It was going to be the most wonderful time. Ethan too seemed very relaxed as he fed, maybe the change in scenery would be good for him as Danny had suggested - she definitely needed to relax a little more. Her boys were the best thing to ever happen to her and life was so much better for them.
When Danny came back he started cooking, singing away as he did which made Clara chuckle. "Is your Daddy being silly?" she spoke to Ethan when he finished feeding and moved him for winding. Ethan kept looking around, clearly hunting for his Daddy's voice. "You looking for Daddy? Are you? Shall we go and find him?" She stood up and went to the kitchen. When they went in he was just getting the plates our ready. "Well well you've been working hard haven't you. This little guy has been searching for you," she said as Ethan leant out toward Danny who took him from Clara.
"Well hello there, have you had what you wanted from Mummy now then eh?" he asked and Clara gave him a look but disappeared to grab his playmat to set up. Danny kept jiggling his son to make him giggle, occasionally checking on the dinner.
When she re-appeared Clara tutted, "he'll be sick if you keep doing that."
Danny rolled his eyes, "he'll be fine. Where did you go?"
"Set up the playmat in the lounge ready," Clara explained. Just as she finished eating Ethan was, as she has expected, a little sick. "Don't say I didn't tell you so," she rolled her eyes and grabbed one of the muslins to clean them both up.
"Yeah alright, but he loves it," Danny shrugged. "However you should probably have young Ethan back now so I can serve your dinner."
Clara grinned, "good - I'm starving. I'll go get this one set up playing away," she smiled and went through. She lay Ethan down on the playmat and waved the toys above him, immediately making him giggle and roll around. "There we go my little treasure, you have yourself a little play there," she kissed his head, "I love you so much."
Ethan was completely distracted which allowed her to sit up on the sofa when Danny bought in their dinner. "Well this is rather lovely," she sat back and started eating. "Oh very lovely," she spoke through a half mouthful.
They finished up eating and sat back, watching their son playing. This was going to be most wonderful time.