Chapter 38: I am a Eudaemonist

Marco

"Hello?" I answered my cell phone groggily, pressing the side of my head deeper into my pillow. Who the hell was calling at... six in the morning? On the first day of my winter break?

"You're asleep!" a voice accused. "How could you be asleep?"

"It's something called: I'm normal," I smiled sleepily and willed my eyes to open. "And you're not."

"That's not fair. Anyway, get up and get dressed. We're going to start the day bright and early."

"Bright and early is right... Why the hell are you so chipper?"

Ellie let out a soft laugh, " I guess I'm just in the Christmas spirit. You know?"

"Yeah, I know. Okay, fine. Give me thirty minutes."

"You get fifteen. See you in a few!"

I groaned as I hung up the phone and buried myself deeper into my warm, soft, comfortable bed... Damn. Why did I agree to get up so early? I should have known it'd be like this. And I was just having a great dream about Devon and a can of whipped cream...

Well. There's always tonight...

"Ready?" Ellie tugged her Kangol hat lower of her ears.

I tugged at one of her pigtails and smiled. "Sure... Mom! I'm going now!" I called back into the house. My mom bustled over and gave Ellie a warm kiss on the cheek before wishing us well.

"Your mom is so cute," Ellie slowly walked crookedly along the sidewalk, pulling her sled behind her.

I held my sled against the top of my head and looked at her underneath it's rim. "She adores you, you know."

"Yeah... same here. I wonder if a lot of people will be sledding?"

"Considering it's so early, I doubt it."

"Yeah..."

We were silent for a few minutes as we walked in the snow. The hill was about a ten minute walk from my house. I affectionately pushed Ellie sideways. She stumbled a little but balanced herself and pushed me back. We continued our little shoving game until we reached the hill. Any other person would have gotten sick of it. Not Ellie. We can always goof off with each other and never get tired of it. I can't even express how much that means to me.

I tossed my sled into the snow when we reached the hill. "Ugh, the only bad part about sledding is having to climb up every time."

Ellie's eyes sparkled, "Remember that time when-..."

"It took you thirty minutes to climb up that six foot hill?"

"It was slippery! And steep!"

"There is definitely no excuse for that. That was pathetic. I couldn't stop laughing."

"You almost peed your pants."

"I had to whip it out right there. So humiliating."

"It was cute!" Ellie smirked. I arched an eyebrow and she laughed. "It was huge! That's what I meant."

"That's what I thought. Thirty minutes. Damn."

"Hey, don't playa hate!"

"Fo shizzle da nizzle!"

"Fo sheezie ro neezie!"

I racked my brain for some other stupid phrase as I trekked up the hill. "As if!"

"Lame... you be trippin' foo."

"Uh... Tubular?"

"Word to your mother."

"And you just won with that one," I threw down my sled at the top of the hill and bowed down in front of her. "You are the queen of popular slang. I bow down to you."

"Thank you. Thank you. You may stop groveling now."

I stood up and zipped my coat up even higher. "Are you going to go first or me?"

"Hello, we'll go together. What do you take me for? A loner?" Ellie adjusted herself on her sled.

I sat down on mine and steadied myself with my hands. "Okay, on the count of one."

"One," we started together.

"Two," Ellie counted.

"Three!" I pushed off and grabbed her hand quickly as we went off the edge. Now, this hill isn't just some tiny bump in the grass. It's big. It's steep. And it's dangerous. Even better, every year, a snow ramp is built at the end of it. I'll admit- I used to be too scared to go down the hill. Ellie usually had to push me down it or else I'd never work up the nerve. But after awhile, I got used to the intense fear I felt every time I stared down the snowy drop of death.

I hit the snow with a thud. Damn. That ramp hurt.

"Ow! Bastard!" I heard Ellie moan as she landed face first in the snow.

I laughed and crawled over to her. "I hope you're addressing the ramp?"

"I sure as hell am. That thing is a bitch! I forgot how much it hurt," she giggled and put her hands over her butt. "I think I broke a bone."

"I'm sure we both did. It's almost too painful to go through again..."

"Yeah..."

"Wanna go again?"

"Yeah!"

Ellie

I pulled my hat off and placed it on the washing machine. "How's my hair?"

"Hideous."

"Yeah, yours too." He immediately started patting it down, causing me to laugh at his utter vainness. "Just kidding... well, not really."

"Marco? Ellie? Are you home?" Marco's mom's sweet voice called out as she entered the kitchen.

"In here, ma!" Marco poked his head out of the laundry room and waved at his mom. "Can you make us some hot chocolate?"

"And s'mores and lasagna, right?" she laughed and started tying an apron around her waist. "I'd be happy to!"

It must be nice to have a mom who will make you snacks after school and be little Suzy homemaker. I can't remember the last time my mom met me after school with a plate of cookies and a drink. She was usually in her office at the house doing business or over at the design firm. She never asked me how my day was or if I had met any cute boys at the latest party or whatnot. This is why I love coming over to Marco's house. His mom will take care of me and treat me as if I were her own daughter. I think she misses not having a daughter.

Marco and I ran up to his room to hang out while his mom fixed our meal. He threw me a pair of old sweats and a t-shirt to wear while my other clothes dried. "So, have I told you what my newest mission is?" I muffled as I pulled a t-shirt over my head.

Marco walked back out of his closet with another pair of jeans on. "No. I don't think I want to know either..."

"Oh please... you should be glad I hooked you up with Devon."

"And I am. Really. I'm thankful that you can be nosy sometimes."

I grinned and sat on his bed, my hands in between my knees. "Well, I'm getting Sean in the Christmas spirit. It turns out he's never celebrated Christmas before."

"Wow. And he's going along with this?"

"Sure. Why wouldn't he?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe because Sean's just as stubborn as you are? He doesn't seem like the type to get all misty eyed over Rudolph and stockings over the fireplace..." Marco smirked at me in the mirror as he ran some gel through his hair.

I shrugged and fell backwards. "He's not too happy, but, you know me. I can be pretty convincing. I just think it's a shame he's never taken part in it."

"That's his business, though."

"Marco, who's side are you on?"

"I didn't realize there were sides... and that I had to pick one."

I bit my lip and stared at his navy blue ceiling. "I'm just trying to make everyone's life a little better. You know how I am- a Eudaemonist, through and through." I played with one of my braids as I stared at the ceiling- thinking of the statement I had just made. My own little confession.

"Euda-what?" Marco jumped onto the bed next to me and laid on his stomach, turning his head to stare at my profile.

I continued to play with the end of my braid. "A Eudaemonist. Someone who finds happiness is a moral obligation. It's a way of ethics, Marco. I think the happiness of everyone should be at the center of ethics."

He gave me a smile, "That's you alright... Always looking out for everyone else. Especially helpless boys like me."

"You're giving me too much credit. I just try and do the right thing."

"Too much credit? Ellie, you stick up for me no matter what. You gave a year of your life to me. I can't say that about a lot of people. You're so much better than this world."

I blushed and played with the ring on my finger. I stopped touching it when I realized it was the promise ring Sean had given me. Why am I even still wearing it? And why does Marco have to go and make a statement like that?

"But, you know you can't make everyone happy. Right?"

I sucked on the inside of my cheek and shook my head. "I can. Honestly."

He sighed and moved closer to me so he could rest his head on my chest. I stopped playing with my own hair and resorted to lightly pulling at his. Sometimes I can almost imagine that Marco isn't gay and we're more than just best friends. That we can fully own up to being soulmates and be together. Girlfriends and boyfriends lay like this. They play with each other like we do. I don't know why I torture myself like this- by living in the past. Marco can't help that he's gay. And he's obviously over me. So why can't I fully be over him?

To answer that question- I have to look at the past. My past experiences with boys have been many and shallow. There have only been a handful of boys that I can honestly say loved me. Every other guy has just been in it for the action. They just get what they want and leave right after and hurt me. The worst part: I let them.

I let them walk all over me. I knew their intentions. I knew they were just looking at me because I was easy. I had the body, the reputation, the experience, the attitude- everything. I had all the makings to be one hell of a pathetic whore. I even had the freaking motive- how else was I supposed to afford drugs without my parents wondering where all this money was going to? God, I was just a two-bit slut. I was generic.

It hurts to think that boys could just line up and come to me and my parents didn't even notice the guys walking in and out of the house. Any other parent would wonder why their daughter was having guys over constantly- each one leaving after a good fifteen minutes. A half an hour if I was lucky. They didn't ask once. They were probably either not home or too busy looking at fabrics and paint colors and stocks to care.

I remember Denny Shane was the first boy to tell me that he loved me. He was ready to climax and he whimpered it. I couldn't believe that he had said he loved me. I begged him to say it again- and he did. From then on, every guy had to tell me that he loved me. That way I didn't feel so dirty. If two people love each other, why can't they express it through sex, right? Them whispering they loved me in between kisses made every wrong thing I did right. And as soon as they were finished, they would throw fifty or sixty or, damn, even just twenty dollars at me and leave.

I blame it all on them. Them and their careless whispers. They didn't love me. They didn't really care about me. I never had deep conversations with them or hung out with them at lunch. I never went on dates with them. I just hooked up with them after school or at parties. And my pursuit for love and true happiness forged on. And each week it landed me with a different guy.

And then the guys that truly cared for me... I just fucked it up with them. I don't know what's wrong with me. Seriously. I don't know. I put all my trust into these guys that I know will hurt me, and I purposely wreck it with guys that want to see me happy. I wrecked it with Zeke and Matt and Chas and Brayden and Marco and Dan and Sean and... Ugh! It's really only a matter of time before I do something to ruin it with Ryan. I'll scare him away. It's like this game I play to punish myself. So stupid.

And now I can't let go of Marco because loving him and seeing him with other guys hurts me. And that makes me human. Pain is the only truth, right? Didn't Coetzee say that? God, I'm such a masterpiece. I can remember quotes from books and songs and movies, but I can't have one stable relationship. But every time I forget just how much I feel. And then it just overwhelms me. And then I release it. Really, my curse is feeling too much. And to try and stop that, I slice at my skin. And then I just repeat the vicious cycle.

Feel. Overwhelm. Slice. Feel. Overwhelm. Slice. It goes on and on. If I could only fully embrace my emotions- embrace the love and hurt and fear- then maybe I could make it. At this right, I don't know if I'll be alive by the time I'm twenty-five. I honestly don't know. And that's scary to think about. To know how much you're hurting yourself with your actions and thoughts and feelings and to know that it'll just lead to something bad, but still not be able to keep yourself from doing it or thinking it or feeling it. That's self-hatred, right there. God, I really need Dan's e-mail right now. I'm slipping into that dark space again where all I can think about it how much of a pathetic whorish murderer I am.

"Ellie?"

I broke my gaze from the ceiling and looked down at Marco. He stared back at me with deep brown eyes. "Yeah, Marco?" I breathed. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Hurt me. Make me want to die. That's what you're good at.

He brought a hand up and ran it across my cheek. "I- Just- How are you doing?"

How am I doing? How am I doing about what? "Fine?" I offered.

He took it. He smiled and leaned up to kiss me. He was going for my cheek, but I leaned towards him, too. I crashed my mouth against his and barely resisted the urge to just slide my tongue right into his mouth. He kissed me back lightly- friendly. I, however, was dying from his touch.

"Marco! Ellie! The lasanga is almost finished now!"

I was thankful for the distraction. Now I don't have to say anything to Marco. Because if I opened my mouth, I'm sure I'd be pleading with him to kiss me again, to rethink if he's gay, to give me one more shot... Things I've done before. I'm not proud to reveal that. But I did.

I have to let him go. I do. He's my best friend- my soulmate- and that is all. He'll never be anything more. It's part of my new plan to be a new me. A new me that doesn't have to cut all the time or do drugs or sleep around. A new me that can have healthy relationships with people, that can handle her own emotions and the pain that can come with them, that doesn't need to snort something up her nose to feel good... Oh God, and I felt so good when I snorted coke up my nose...

I can do this. I can do this. So, this is goodbye to Marco the Could-Have-Been-Boyfriend. And hello to Marco the Best Friend Only. He's with Devon. And he's happy. And that's all I really care about. Starting now, I will no longer stare longingly at Marco. I will no longer be jealous if I see him and another boy kiss. I will no longer have the urges to just throw him down, crawl on top of him, and screw him right there. No. I will no longer do this stuff. Starting... Now.

Sean

"It's way too early. You know that?" I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans and squinted at the red-haired girl to my left. We were walking down the sidewalk towards Jay's house to borrow his car.

Ellie flashed me a bright smile and shrugged, "It's your first Christmas. Be excited."

"Yeah, except for the fact that I don't want it to be my first Christmas. I'd rather it be just another winter break where all I do is-..."

"Sit around and drink and play video games and watch movies and blah, blah, blah. I know. You've only said this a million times before. And, frankly, I don't give a damn."

"Nice use of a movie quote there. Or close enough. I forgot Gone with the Wind is like your favorite movie!" I smiled brightly just like her and jogged ahead as she picked up a snowball and threw it at me.

"If you ever reveal that to anyone, I will neuter you. Anyway, this day isn't about me. It's all about you. So, what do you want to do first? Get house decorations, the tree, presents, what?"

I rolled my eyes, "Wow, I'm just so excited, that I can't choose. How about you just pick?" I couldn't help the sarcastic edge to my voice.

Ellie did that little sigh thing that told me she was really going to pour on the whining soon. "Sean, I can't do this for you if you don't let me! You have to really try. Please?"

Okay, so she didn't whine. It was rather mature. "I'll try, but it's hard when it's so freaking cold!"

She stuck out her bottom lip a little. "That's because you don't have gloves or anything! That should be our first stop. We'll get you a nice winter wardrobe. Hat, mittens, scarf- the whole shebang."

"I am not wearing mittens. Maybe I'll wear the hat. Maybe." I was being difficult. I admit. It's in my nature.

It was her time to roll her eyes and she did so with a smile. "Sometimes I wonder what I saw in you."

"Charm? Good looks? An awesome dic-..."

"Shut up. We're here."

I walked up the short sidewalk to Jay's modest house. He was standing outside with his little brother, watching him as he put the finishing touches on a snowman. "Good job, tyke. Looks just like me," I heard him mutter, as he ruffled his brother's light brown hair affectionately.

"Hey Jay!" Ellie called out. I gave a little nod and Jay returned it.

"'Sup?"

"Not much. Besides Ellie dragging me back and forth across town for stupid shit."

"Haha. Yeah. Well, Kyle, run along inside okay? I'll be there in a sec."

The little boy ran off into the house without protest. Who knew Jay had such a way with little kids? I had to keep myself from laughing at the showing of a sincere Jay Hogart. It's truly something everyone should see for themself. Jay walked us over to his car and jingled the car keys in front of us. Ellie reached for them, but he pulled them back. "No way. Not you, you psycho. I've heard about the way you drive cars."

I laughed as she pouted a little, but got into the passenger seat anyway. I turned to look at Jay, "Well, thanks man. I don't know how long we're going to be."

"You're with Ellie, man. It's going to be all day. But, uh, I got a proposition for you."

I followed Jay away from the car, curious to what proposition he had. The last time I propositioned with Jay, I ended up in jail- with one pissed off girlfriend. I couldn't help but think back to that night when I called her. She really reamed me out... after paying my bail... It doesn't get more devoted than that. I cast a look back in the direction of the car to see what she was doing. Sure enough, she was staring at us. Watching my every move.

"So, we got a tip on a great place for, uh, harvesting a few goods. You know? We got a plan. Are you in?"

"Harvesting meaning stealing?" I licked my lips nervously. Was I really going to get caught up into this again? Stealing a few cds and a keychain is no big deal, but actually breaking into a store? That's big. And dangerous. I have a lot riding on this.

"Yeah, come on, man! You're my wing man."

"What about Towerz?"

"Towerz is clumsy. I need you."

I gave another glance back at Ellie. Her gaze was burning a hole into my back.

"Forget about her, man! She has no control over you. You gonna let her change you?"

I almost blushed with embarrassment. Almost. "No way! She doesn't run my life."

"Exactly! Come on. We're going to be rich. I'm talking some nice media equipment here. Big bucks!"

I mulled it over in my head. Yeah, I can do this. It'll be like old times. Old times were good. I wasn't so confused and so... good. "I'm in."

"Yes!" We did our little handshake and gave each other a one-armed hug. Things are going to be like old times now. Yeah, it's time for a change. No more of this goody-two-shoes Sean Cameron. It's time to go back to what I used to be.

Ellie

"What was that about?" I shot as soon as Sean slid into the car.

"Woah, calm down. He just had a problem with... Alex. He wanted some advice."

"And he asked you?" I crossed my arms and huffed. "Why didn't he ask me?"

"It's going to be okay, Nash. Don't have a cardiac arrest over it."

"I love when you talk medical terms."

He chuckled and turned the heat up. "Okay, where we going?"

"Go to Wayman's. You need some winter essentials."

"You're acting as if this is the first time I've experienced snow. I have been through winter before."

"Whatever," I turned the radio up and grinned. "When you start celebrating Christmas, you see things in a whole different light. I can't wait for you to see it, too."

"Whatever," He muttered and turned the volume up to drown me out. I gave a slight frown, but forgot about his rude move soon enough. It's not his fault he's never done this before. He pulled into a parking spot and shut the engine off. "Are you going to make this as painless as possible?" he asked, staring out the windshield.

"Um, yeah?" What is his deal? He acts as if I'm sending him to a death sentence. It's a little shopping. He should be happy I'm sharing this with him. And that I'm paying for his damn Christmas. I'm trying to share with him something that is very special to me and he's giving me this whole big attitude like he's too tough for this or something. What happened to the sweet Sean who would do anything for me? I miss that Sean.

Two hours later, Sean walked out of Wayman's with three new hats, two pairs of gloves, a new winter coat, and a few new hoodies (to keep him from bitching and griping). "See, that wasn't so bad!"

"Yeah, just a little embarrassing. If you put that stupid scarf around my neck one more time, I was going to go psychotic."

I grinned impishly and opened up one of his bags. "I think you should wear your new winter coat." I started ripping the tags off and unbuttoning it. The coat was an awesome black, silver, and white Spyder coat. Okay, I'll admit- I bought myself a new coat, too. Kind of like Sean's, but with a touch of light blue on it. I can't help it, though. It was screaming my name.

Sean grumbled as I started unbuttoning the old coat he was wearing now. "I can do this myself, you know... Come on, I look ridiculous... I'm not a little boy..."

"Hush," I looked up at him and smiled as I slowly unzipped his old coat. "You're going to look hot."

"God! Stop acting as if we're still going out or something!" he ripped out.

I froze midbutton and backed away. "What?"

"You! You always act as if we're still a couple. You never leave me alone! Well, guess what- we're not going out. I'm with Nikki. You're with Ryan. That's how it is."

It took every fiber of my being to keep myself from hitting that stupid look off of his face. How dare he say that I act as if we're still going out? I'm the one setting him up with other girls! I'm perfectly fine with us just being friends- he's the one who wanted more out of it and... Argh! "Sorry if I came off that way, but that's not how I mean it. I'm just trying to help you out."

"You bought me a coat. You've helped me out enough. You don't need to put it on me now."

"I was just joking around. Don't take everything so seriously."

"Coming from you- the Princess of Serious."

"Let's not fight. Let's just do more shopping. Come on." I resisted the urge I had to grab his hand and pull him along. After all, that might be a boyfriend/girlfriend move. Ugh. The audacity he has to tell me I'm hard up for him and desperate? That's clearly what he was saying. How dare he act as if I'm still living in the past? I'm fine with how things are between us. In fact, things couldn't be better.

Except, there's one question that's been burning a hole in my head lately.

My whole goal in life is to make everyone happy, right? I mean, that's the measure of success in life- by how happy you are. And I'm not going to get into all the details of my code of ethics and all that crap, but, basically, everything goes back to how happy someone is in the end. So...

Is Sean happier without me?

Okay, so it took me awhile for this chapter- school has been hectic and I'm just getting over a case of bronchitus. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Next chapter will have Sean/Ellie actually shopping for Christmas stuff, Ryan will come back, and, if this chapter wasn't a big enough hint already, Ellie's going to be losing control of some stuff. Ideas/Reviews always welcome. Oh, and I think I will put in a liberty POV for the reviewer who asked. Thanks!