Chapter 38

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Thanks for alerting me to the formatting issue, so sorry about that! Hopefully this should work now x

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Amber

I wake up with a pang, the darkness in the cool, quiet room surrounding me. My heart is pounding, and I feel like a lost little kid. I've never really been scared of the dark, not even when I was little, but now I feel like something is lurking in every corner of the room. My fingers fumble in the dark until I manage to switch my light on. I lean back against my pillows, and breathe out. Nothing there. Obviously, I'm such an idiot. I glance at the clock. Quarter to three. No wonder it's quiet. I look over towards the armchair where dad has been spending every night since I was admitted, only dozing off on the spare bed for a few hours at a time and for the rest of the night working on his laptop. Things had been good, as good as they can be when you're stuck in a hospital anyway, and now fucking Leila Williams had to ruin them. It freaked me out to meet her, and to know that she's here is making me super uneasy. I know that logically, someone from dad's security team is bound to be outside my door somewhere, but it's difficult to feel completely safe at this time of night. I want my dad. With trembling hands I pick up my phone and dial his number. To hell with it, he can be as mad at me as he wants. As long as he comes.

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Christian

I'm lying awake when my phone buzzes on the nightstand, the delightful and spent Miss Steele sleeping next to me. There most certainly is a little masochist in her, that's been waiting to wake up for years. When I hear the phone, I sit up immediately, worried it might be to do with Amber, do I'm relieved when it's her name flashing on the display.

"Amber" I whisper into the phone and rise from the bed so I can leave the room and avoid waking Anastasia. "What's up?"

My daughter doesn't reply immediately, but I can hear her shaky breath down the line.

"Amber" I say again, my voice stern this time. "What's the matter? Are you all right?"

"Please can you come?" Her voice is so small, so weak. I feel a tug at my heartstrings.

"I'll be there as soon as I can." I tell her without hesitation. "Can you call the nurse to come and stay with you until I get there? Sawyer is around as well, I can call him if you prefer."

"No, it's ok" Amber mumbles. "I want to ask for some water anyway."

"Fair enough." I lean against the wall. "If you change your mind, you have the number. Try to distract yourself with something, play that piano game on the iPad."

"Ok. Thanks dad."

"Of course."

I tell her goodbye and hang up before quietly slipping into my bedroom to slip some clothes on. I find a pair of gray slacks and a white long-sleeved t-shirt, which will have to do, and as I slip my shoes on I think about what to do with Miss Steele. I don't want to wake her, she looks so peaceful where she is. Quickly, I make up my mind and rustle out a notepad from my briefcase, writing her a message which I leave on the bedside table next to her. I lean over to brush my lips against hers, and want to ravish her like the predator I am. But I manage to contain myself, and I leave the room quietly. I take the elevator down to the car park, and get into the R8 as it will get me to the hospital fastest. In the quiet night it's only a ten minute drive, but I still run from the hospital parking lot all the way up to Amber's ward, where I completely bypass the receptionist on duty even though she yells after me as I make my way towards my daughter's room. She is inside with one of the night nurses, not that obnoxious Jim that she has taken to. When the nurse sees me, she smiles at Amber.

"I'll go and tell reception your father has come to spend the night."

Amber gives her a small smile in return and as the nurse leaves I take two long steps over to my daughter's bed, and envelop her in a hug. She buries her face in my chest and it doesn't make me want to shy away, just hold her closer.

"Sorry" Amber's voice is muffled.

"Me too, sweetheart" I tell her, surprising myself. "I should have told you Leila was here, I don't know how you found out but it should have been from me."

"Phil told me" She pulls away and looks at me warily. "He came to see me, and he'd managed to dig some old records out that led him to find out she was here."

Persistence and brains. Maybe that guy isn't so bad after all. Though in all honesty that only makes me want to keep him at an even longer distance from my daughter.

"Well" I say, reaching out to stroke Amber's hair away from her face. "The damage is done now. How are you feeling about it?"

"Honestly?" Amber's eyes suddenly fill with tears. "I thought that meeting her would make me understand. That I would get why she tried to… You know. But seeing Leila just made me more confused. And I'm…"

She stops herself.

"You're what?" I try to gently coax her. She looks up at me, looking embarrassed.

"I'm worried I'll be like that." Her words are barely louder than a whisper. "I have panic attacks, and I've been crying like a pathetic wimp lately… What if I turn out to be a total nutcase who stabs unborn babies?"

"It's a far cry from what you've been experiencing to serious mental illness." I try to reassure her. "True, depression is something that can befall anyone but you and Leila are different in almost any way I can think of. You don't need to worry about this, Amber, it's not a burden you should have to carry. And if I hear you refer to yourself as pathetic again I'll ground you for a month."

Amber almost smiles at that, but I get the feeling she can't actually tell if I'm being serious or not. I pull her towards me again, leaning her head against my shoulder as I stroke her arm in what I hope is a comforting way.

"You're much too hard on yourself, Amber." I tell her.

"Wonder why." She mumbles, more sad than sarcastic.

"Fair point well made." I sigh. "I am working on it, but… I have a thing with control."

"I know." Amber says. "So do I, I hate it."

"Really?" I frown at her. "Always?"

Amber leans back from my embrace and sits back against her pillows, but allows me to keep hold of her hand.

"Well" Her brow furrows and she considers it. "Maybe not always. I like feeling in control over myself, and then I hate when I don't. But I'd never want to control others. And I hate being controlled."

Her eyes flutter up at me briefly before she suddenly finds the corner of her pillowcase incredibly fascinating.

"There are some things that you shouldn't have to have under your control." It takes everything I have to keep my voice calm when I think back to the situation with Fitzgerald, and how Amber had initially tried to take everything on her bony shoulders. Even taken a fucking beating to try and keep trouble away from my door. I shudder at the thought of how far things could have gone had Sawyer not called me that day.

"I know" Amber agrees quickly. "Like, I'm aware I'm not an adult or anything. There is still stuff that I can't deal with, but I still have a brain. I mean, I can process information that's given to me, and make my own choices."

Fucking hell, when did my daughter get so grown up?!

"And" Amber swallows before she continues. "I can decide for myself if I want to meet my mother."

"I understand." I sigh.

"You do?" Amber's eyes dart up at me in surprise. "I thought you were going to yell at me."

"Tempting as though it may be" I tell her. "I realize I don't have any right to. You're nearly sixteen, and I forget that you're so far beyond the incorrigible hormonal mess I was at that age. I only wish you would have waited, so we could talk about it before you dashed up there by yourself."

"I was mad at you." Amber shrugs. "Phil told me Mrs. Jones made the emergency call on the night Leila… So I knew that you'd been keeping it from me that she was here, and I figured you'd just talk me out if it if I told you I wanted to see her."

She pauses for a second, and I can't tell her she's wrong so I just squeeze her hand.

"If Mrs. J called the ambulance, does that mean Leila… Like, in our home?"

It touches me how Amber refers to it as "our" home. I have been hoping she has been feeling more settled, but I've still sensed the tip-toeing behavior of someone who is more of a houseguest. With time I hope it will disappear completely, maybe it's in fact time to start thinking about moving out of Escala and find somewhere new. With just Amber and me. And Anastasia. I run my thumb along Amber's cheek before I respond to her question.

"Yes, Leila managed to break into Escala when you and I were in Portland." I tell her gravely. "Gail was there, and Leila slit her wrists right before her eyes."

Amber's breath hitches, and for a moment I'm worried she'd going to have a panic attack but after a couple of seconds she manages to calm down.

"How did she get in?" She asks.

"You don't need to worry." I assure her quickly. "All the necessary security measures have been carried out, there is no way that can happen again."

"Poor Mrs. J." Amber mumbles. "That's fucked up."

"Language." I admonish her. "But yes, it is."

"Though not quite as much as trying to cut a baby out of your own stomach." Amber's voice is so quiet that I can barely hear her.

"No" I agree. "Not quite."

"That's why I wanted you to come." Amber throws me an embarrassed glance. "I was afraid to be on my own when she's here too. It's so stupid, it's not like she can do anything."

"That's true, but that's the same reason I wanted to be here too." I send her a small smile.

"Sorry I tried to shut you out." She says.

"You're forgiven." I say immediately. "I get it. But please don't do it again."

"Well, please don't keep stuff from me again."

I sigh, realizing I need to tell her about how quickly things have become quite serious between Anastasia and myself. She has probably guessed already, my kid is smart. Tomorrow. Amber's eyes are looking hollow, and she needs to get back to sleep.

"I think it's bedtime." I tell her. "We'll talk some more in the morning, I've cleared my schedule for tomorrow and Taylor is trying to work his magic to get you released early."

"Really?" Amber bursts out. "That would be awesome!"

"Fingers crossed." I rise from her bed and walk towards the spare, pulling out the sports bag from underneath were I've been keeping spare changes of sweatpants and t-shirts. I go into Amber's small bathroom to change, and when I come back out she's already gone to sleep. Exhaustion written all over her face, I can imagine how tiring our conversation must have been for her. I'm pretty fucking tired myself. After kissing Amber's forehead and switching off her bed light, I lie down on the other bed, and check my Blackberry for any messages. Nothing, my sweet Ana must have not woken up yet. That, or she doesn't ever want to see me again. But judging by our night together, and indeed the past few weeks, I don't think that's the case. The thought makes me smirk as I drift off to sleep.

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