AN: Hey, so it's a long one this time, hope you enjoy it! ~ Emma and Sarah
Disclaimer: Don't Own Maze Runner
Flo POV
What have I done, oh God, oh God, what has become of me. I'm rotting. My brain is rotting. I'm becoming one of them. I'm going crazy. Oh god.
When Max dragged me off her my mind came back to me. The little voice screaming for me to stop in the back of my head became my only voice. Pain exploded through my chest.
What have I done.
I watched her, and she didn't move. She didn't say a thing, she just lay there eyes closed, she could have been dead for all I knew. Tears began to stream down my cheeks. How could I do that to her. Thomas rushed to her side, wiping her face with his sleeve and holding her head between his hands. That was all I saw before I was taken away by Max?.
He took me to the corner and put me down, waiting for signs that I might lash out again.
"I'm back, it's fine, you don't have to fret over me," I snapped, my anger at myself boiling over,
"You don't sound like you," he said skeptically,
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, realising that I shouldn't have been so angsty, "I just… I don't know what happened. It's like I was watching it all happen but I couldn't stop it. It wasn't me I swear,"
My voice was pathetic, pleading, gasping through sobs.
"Is she hurt?" I asked desperately, "Did I hurt her, oh God, what have I done,"
He didn't reply, he simply didn't know, he looks grimly at me before lowering his head.
"Why didn't you stop me sooner?"
"You were volatile, if I'd tried anything it would have ended with either her or you in the fire. I wasn't going to risk that."
I felt the burden of guilt weigh down on my shoulders. After everything she had done for me.
I looked past him, trying to see Lizzy. I couldn't see her but I could see who was around her. Thomas, Minho, Jeff, Newt.
He chose her. His little sister. Jealousy erupted inside me, but I lowered my eyes and stayed silent.
Lizzy PoV
My vision was clouded. Shaped with uncertain edges moved around my vision. Someone was close, holding my face, but I could barely feel or hear them at all.
Flo...Flo...Flo… Where are you Flo? Come back to me.
Words faded into my head,
"It's okay, It's alright, You're okay," Thomas?
"Come on Princess," Minho. Definitely Minho.
"Lizzy, we're here," Newt?
My eyes focused on the faces around me.
"I'm fine," I horse whisper came out of my throat, making me sound most definitely not fine.
Thomas pulled me into his arms.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," He repeated the words, but our earlier spat was not what was on my mind.
"It's okay Thomas," I soothed raising my hand to stroke his hair, "We'll talk about it later alright?"
He nodded into my shoulder before raising his head and helping me up. I took a step toward Flo and Thomas stopped me giving me a warning glance.
"It's not her, it's the Flare," I reasoned, "I won't punish her for things she can't help,"
"The risk-"
"Is a price I'm willing to pay," I interrupted, "Let me go Thomas, don't make this difficult,"
He hesitated for a moment,
"Please," with my final word he let go and strode purposefully over to the other side of the room.
Boy am I going to get shit later.
I pulled myself up straight and went over to her. She was looking down, with silent tears trickling over the edges of her eyes.
Flo PoV
She sat beside me, so close, as if nothing had happened. Nothing at all. We talked about the day just been. All that had happened. All but what I'd done.
"We still have five nights left," She said, filling the space, whether she was stalling for her own sake or mine I had no idea, "But that includes here, so four nights we have to find somewhere new to stay and-"
"Lizzy," I whispered,
"-each place has to be different and as secure-"
"Lizzy!" I said a little louder, "We have to talk about this, we have to talk about… me,"
She sighed and looked at me, for the first time since I attacked her, she really looked at me,
"What do you want me to say Flo? That I we should leave you behind? That I hate you? That I blame you for what you did? Because I don't. I don't want to leave you behind, I don't hate you and I don't blame you for what you did, it wasn't you it was the-"
"That doesn't change a thing," I said, holding her gaze, "I'm infected, and sooner or later I'm going to become a… a… one of them,"
"Flo,"
"And when I do," I continued ignoring her "I want you to be the one to-"
"Flo! No, stop," She cried at me, drawing eyes across the room, so she hushed her tone, "please stop, please,"
"We're going to have to talk about this, you're going to have to accept it, so why not now," I said,
"Because," she turned away from me,
"Because what?" I said, pressing her,
She was quiet for a moment. She almost seemed calm,
"Because I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not strong enough to lose you," She said in a small timid voice that I did not associate with her. She was scared. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her in. She buried her face in my shoulder.
"You might not have to," A thought had occurred to me, I had completely forgotten. Though I believed it was too late for me, it might give her the strength to carry on.
She drew back and looked at me confused,
"The cure," I whispered.
Her face contorted in a grimace,
"I know you don't believe it, but I do, Jeff does too," I could hear the pathetic desperation in my voice, "It could save me, it could save your brother-"
"I told you not to call him that," She said in a hard voice, turning away again,
"-please! believe in it, for me?"
Our eyes locked again,
"For you, I will."
Lizzy PoV
It seemed I needed to talk to everyone that night, though I had no desire to talk to Thomas at that point, I knew I couldn't put it off forever.
But I could put it off till morning, it was only nine but everyone was shattered.
I settled down to sleep near Flo as Alfie took first watch. The old blood house worker still unsettled me a little. He was not immune after all and seeing Flo tonight, it worried me putting him on watch.
My mind whirred with the events of that day and if I hadn't been so exhausted from fighting, I knew I would not have caught a wink of sleep, but the night took me.
I could not tell what time it was, but as everyone was asleep I guessed some time in the night. A quick check of my watch told me it was three fifteen am. Great. Watch was to change every hour so if I remembered correctly that would put Newt on watch. Newt.
At that one word a thousand thoughts swarmed my head leaving little chance of me falling back asleep. I stood up carefully and crept over to where he sat on one of the battered tables giving him an elevated view.
As I began to speak in a hushed tone, he jumped,
"I won't join you on that as it might just break," I said sitting on the table across from him. He smiled meekly, clearly unsure of what to say.
"It all seems pretty pointless," I said looking at my feet, "Being told you're my family when I can't remember a thing about you. I can't remember holidays, birthday parties, christmas, petty fights…"
I trailed off leaving the air to hang between us,
"We can't remember own own parents deaths," He said, and I looked up at him, "If you have children they're meant to remember you when you're gone, but we… we can't. They tried so hard to protect us that it got them killed,"
"They tried too hard to protect me," I corrected, thinking back to what Liv had said,
"What?"
"WICKED never came after you, they came after me. That means," My voice faltered as I faced the truth, "It's my fault you're here. It's my fault you're in the path of death. It's all my fault,"
Another body on the pile. Another death on my head.
"For God's sake Lizzy, stop blaming yourself for every little thing that goes wrong. The world doesn't revolve around your actions alone,"
The words were not spoken harshly, he pitied me for my stupid determination, "You can't hold everyone together, you can't take their burdens off their shoulders, you can't be everyone's savior,"
"I'm not trying to be everyone's savior-" I countered,
"Yes, you are. The fact you can't see that is the problem. You can't save people from fate. You can't save Flo from the flare," he looked down avoiding my eyes, "You can't save me from the flare,"
I stayed silent. I knew it was true. The end was coming for him, for the brother I lost, for the brother I might as well never have had. For my best friend. Thomas, Minho, Jeff, they weren't even safe. Just because disease didn't pose a threat to them didn't mean they were safe.
Then something inside of me broke. Flo was dying, Newt was dying, there was no escape, there was no haven that I could run too. I slipped myself off the desk so that I could curl up with my back against it. Tears burst through the dam and wards that I had been holding onto for so long. I felt safe with him, and that's how I knew it was true. It felt right that he should be the one to see me cry. To see me coming undone. I hated Thomas seeing me like this, but with Newt, a part of me felt sure he'd comforted me before.
He was next to me before I knew it. Arm over my shoulder pulling me into his chest. He didn't say a word. There was nothing to say. I let the acceptance Flo had asked of me wash away the tension that had reached every corner of my body, growing with each day I refused to believe the inevitable.
He didn't say it would be okay, he didn't try to tell me everything would be fine. He just held me tight. My brother. My brother. My brother.
When my sobs resided and my breath returned to its normal pattern I pulled away suddenly feeling very uncomfortable as my mind began to be clear. He was my brother but it felt awfully intimate. It was odd. He was my brother, yes, but he was only my friend up until yesterday and he was Flo's… urm…
Boyfriend? I guess? Maybe? I don't know.
Come to think of it, I had jokingly talked about it with Thomas but I had never really seen him as my boyfriend. I mean I loved him, but boyfriend didn't seem the right way to describe what we shared. It was too sincere, too real to be labeled by a term thrown around by twelve year olds looking for popularity status, not two people pledging to be hurl themselves in front of a crazed attacker. I was willing to die for him and he for me. I would do anything for him.
And yet in the past few days what had I done for him? What had I done in thought of him? Nothing. I'd been too busy thinking about everyone else to think of the one person who kept me in mind. Kept me in heart. Because at the end of the day he was all I had. He was all I would have, when they left.
Fuck, I'm such an idiot.
"You should go to sleep," I whispered to Newt,
"No, you're not meant to be on watch tonight, you already look like death, no offence" he said with a joking nudge,
I knew I should protest but tiredness won over me and I nodded softly. The truth was not that I didn't want to sleep, that I didn't want to go back over to the others. I was enjoying being in the company of a single person for the first time since being in the Maze with Thomas. Thomas. Shit.
"Can I…" I paused unsure of how to ask, "Can I just sleep here?"
He chuckled lightly,
"Well I won't be on watch forever, there are three others, Robb, Max and Minho I think,"
"Well fuck them," I mumbled sleepily, before curling up under the desk and resting my head on his bag. I would question myself in the morning for not asking, but tiredness won over me and the world around me faded to black.
Flo PoV
The cold. It was everywhere. In my chest, in my head, in my hands. I held them closer to my chest but it did little to soothe me. So much anger, so much rage, it had washed over me so nonchalantly as if it had done a thousand times before. But that wasn't me.
That wasn't me.
I had to keep telling myself the same line over and over so that I would not be so careless as to let go of my last few shreds of sanity.
I could hear the distant mutter of voices from those on watch but I didn't pay any attention. Lizzy's presence was missing from beside me so I assumed she was one of the voices. Strange as I didn't remember her being put on. However I had hardly been in the discussion. I was casually dismissed as an option to keep look out. Their choice was understandable, but painful nonetheless.
So I just lay there waiting for sleep to return, waiting for the voices to stop telling me I was an outsider, a traitor, a wildcard. A wetness slid down my cheek landing on the floor without a sound. God what had I come to? A shriveling mess of the floor, crying over what was I'd lost. What I would lose. Myself.
The morning came unwelcome. If it was the morning. It could have been night, sunrise, midday, late afternoon for all we could tell stuck inside this stuffy box of a room. Though by the warmth that hung in the air I guessed the sun had been up for some time, heating us up like meat in an oven.
When my sleepy haze cleared and I began to notice the world around me, I could sense that I was not alone in my awakened state. Some moved around the room restlessly, while other still lay on the floor. It was only when I tried to shift myself into sitting that I registered the faint lingering of a hand resting over mine.
He lay there with his eyes closed and his face contorted in concern. His breath came quickly and his face twitched. He was so far from the beautiful image of calm I had always imagined him to look. I moved to rest my palm on his soft cheek, but Newt jerked away, snatching it and pulling me toward him.
My heart jumped into my throat, silencing any cry that might have been waiting to come out. My breath raced to the speed of my beating chest and my eyes were wide with shock.
His eyes held a clear cut terror and a sweat had broken out on his forehead. I did not move, he did not blink. We held each other's gaze as the seconds dragged out before he roughly pulled me into his chest, squeezing me tight, pressing my face against his chest as his breathing started to slow.
I remained cautious, after all he most likely had the Flare by now. I silently cursed myself for thinking the same things that I had resented the others for thinking.
I pulled away gently looking into his eyes again, though they held the same look they always did. It occurred to me then that it might all be a mask. The calm, easy going glue that held everyone together, with their deepest fears at bay.
"Are you alright" I asked in a timid voice,
"A nightmare, it was just… a nightmare," His was was still unsteady with heavy breaths, "They took you away,"
His eyes were wide, but a faint smile rested on his lips as he caressed my face. His nightmare had to mean he loved me, loved me above them. That I was the most important thing to him, despite being a crank, despite not being strong and powerful and….
"You and Lizzy and Thomas and Minho, they took all of you. I'm so glad you're here," He tried to pull me back into his chest but I resisted. The bitter jealousy running through my veins again. A fire burned in my eyes, threatening to unleash the tears.
"What… what's wrong," He asked, confusion clouding his features.
"Nothing," I snapped, "Nothing at all. Why don't you go and tell your bloody sister about your wonderful dream,"
"Flo," He tried to interrupt, but I ignored him.
"In fact, why don't you just go and leave me, leave me to rot here while you go off and find a cure!"
"Florence stop talking right now! How dare you talk like that. You have no right to doubt me like that. I love you. I'm not leaving you. You are everything to me. Lizzy being my sister isn't going to change that, alright? You having the Flare isn't going to change that. I'm not leaving you. Not for any cure, even if it did exist,"
"It does exist,"
"Flo," He reached his hand out to me, "It doesn't. Look at me, please, look at me,"
I did,
"There is no cure," He said his voice steady,
My voice contrasted his like stone to fire.
"You're wrong!" the tears ripped past the threshold, "There is a cure, there is, you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong,"
My cries had attracted the eyes of the room, but I didn't notice as I sank sobbing into his chest, as I whispered,
"There has to be."
He laid one hand on my head and the other wrapped around my shoulders, holding me in place. We stayed still while the eyes dropped away from us one by one, the little trust in me they had left was slowly dwindling and I knew it.
Lizzy broke the silence that lay like a blanket over us all,
"We need to find somewhere to stay tonight. We don't all need to start looking now but I propose we send out a small group to scout out a building? See it it's good, then go in there later?"
"Why do we need to move?" Alfie asked, ever the antagonist,
"Because we don't want anyone to find us, if they check every building, well have a higher chance of avoiding them if we're moving too. Plus, I'm not sitting in the same building for the next four days, fuck that,"
She was laughing, clearly trying to raise spirits but with little effect, but through her language I could tell he was getting to her. She was trying so hard to keep it together.
"Look if you're happy to stay here, I'll go, you won't even have to get off your arse 'til later,"
"I'll go with you," I piped up, desperate to get out of this despicable hovel,
She beamed at me but I could feel people shifting around me,
"Perfect," She said with a genuine smile, "we'll head out now then and-"
"No," Minho said, empty of emotion,
"Sorry?" Lizzy fired back at him,
"I said no. You can't just go out with her, I'm sorry, but she's unpredictable, she could seriously hurt you,"
Every word was like a dagger in my stomach, each truth left a new blossoming trail of pain.
"Don't be ridiculous Minho, she's fine now," Her confidence wavered, even I knew she didn't fully believe the words coming out of her mouth, "and either way I can handle myself,"
"Lizzy it's fine, he's right," I said, but she could obviously detect the pain in my voice,
"No it's not fine, I still trust you Flo,"
"That's not the problem, Lizzy, I don't trust me,"
At that she fell silent, with a look of pity, sadness and defeat covering her face.
"I'll go with them" Thomas said hastily, breaking the silence, "If it comes down to it we can knock her out until she comes around,"
It was meant to be a joke but I knew it might not be.
I saw Lizzy cringe as he spoke, and something told me it wasn't because he suggested to knock me out.
"Well-" She tried to start,
"It's safer that way," He cut her off,
"I'll join you," Minho said,
"No, too many and we'll be to obvious,"
"But-" Lizzy tried to interject,
"Fair enough" said Minho, having not heard her,
"It's just-"
"We'll be back within a couple of hours," Thomas said,
"But-"
"Sounds good, where are you scoping out,"
"Minho-"
"The ones closest,"
"I don't think it's a good idea for it to be us three!" Lizzy's raised voice startled everyone and she looked a little embarrassed, "We need a range of skills, if something happens, it would be better to have Jeff, or someone who can heal us,"
Her argument was weak and I couldn't understand why she was putting up a fight.
"No, I agree with Thomas," Minho said, oblivious to the fact there was more behind her words, "He's stronger than Jeff, no offence Jeff,"
"None taken," Jeff said,
"And if you guys get swamped, two girls and a medjack aren't going to do much, are they?"
Lizzy pulled her gun from her belt, ducking under Thomas arm that came out to stop her and swinging round so she was behind Minho with a strangle hold on his neck and a gun to his head.
"Yes, yes they are" she said smugly,
"Point taken," He said and she let go of him, "However," he added once she'd lowered the gun, "I still think you could use a little help against an army of cranks,"
I hated to tell her what she didn't want to hear, but Minho was right, and she needed protection from me, and I knew to save her he would kill me. And that's what needed to be done.
"He's right, let's just go we're wasting time,"
"Fine!" She threw her hands up, "Fucking fine,"
With her teeth gritted she grabbed her jacket and headed for the door nearest the staircase.
"Some girls just don't like to be wrong," Minho muttered, which she obviously heard as she hurled an empty can at his head,
"Some guys just don't like to stop being dicks," she shouted back,
Thomas hurried to follow her, and he didn't look happy. I decided to hang back and get my shit together.
"I'm sorry," Newt said as I went to my bag to get my pen knife, gun and water,
"For what?" I asked, confused,
"Not going with you. It's just… if you did do anything, I… I wouldn't know who to protect, I'm sorry,"
He reached out to stroke my hair but I flinched away,
"I've got to go," I said, standing up and running off.
Lizzy PoV
"Lizzy," He called after me, anger lacing his voice, but I kept moving, "Lizzy!"
I wondered if it scared me, him being angry. I felt tears push their way to my eyes, but I kept moving. I couldn't run forever, he would catch up to me, but I could try. I would try.
Whipping round the corners of the staircase I could feel the panic rise in my chest, the breaths starting to come quickly as the adrenaline rushed through my veins. I could try to outrun the panic attack, or I could let it wash over me. The stairs flattened out into a corridor as the decision was made for me when I stumbled, barely bracing my fall with my arms as I collapsed to the ground. My mind swam, my head cutting between being sharp in focus and feeling like I was underwater.
He grabbed my arm and spun me around to look at him. His lips moved, I couldn't read his expression. Confused maybe? He must have realised because he let go and moved back, giving me space. I tried to drag myself to the wall across the floor, and he helped me, lifting me slightly and moving me gently, only touching me when necessary. I tried to pinch my nails into my palm but I couldn't feel anything.
Suddenly the world got more intense, there was someone else, there was shouting. My breathing intensified. Everything was so sharp. I could see her, Flo, shouting at him. Asking him what he did to me. He was trying to be rational, telling her it was just a panic attack, he's trying to help. She screamed for him to get away from me. I tried to mutter out words between breaths, and he noticed.
"Make… it…. Stop,"
He picked her up, round the waist, she was fighting him, but he would do what he needed to protect me. He was gone for some time, but he came back.
"Where… is… she," I panted out,
"One flight up. Once she was away from you she was more willing to listen,"
My head span, and I needed to hold onto something. I reached out and he hesitated, but took my hand. My breaths slowed. I had noticed the blurriness, but it was not till them I noticed the wetness that coated my eyes and face. I fell into him, and he braced me against himself.
When my mind cleared I drew away. Aware of all that had passed last night.
"Lizzy I'm so sorry," He said his voice weak, "I'm so so sorry,"
"Stop," I said weakly,
"No, this is all my fault, I'm sorry,"
"Thomas," I said more firmly, "Stop,"
He did.
"We need to talk about this,"
He got up and slid down the wall so he was sitting next to me, but I stared at my hands, fiddling nervously, "you… you were right. I haven't been thinking about you, I've been…. trying so hard to... be everyone's saviour, that I forgot about myself and I forgot about you, and I am truly sorry,"
I looked at him and his eyes stared back at mine watching me, "I've messed up, I'm a stupid, selfish, ungrateful-"
"No, you have to stop," He said softly, "You are anything but selfish and I was wrong accusing you of only thinking about yourself, it was quite the opposite actually. Only thinking about everyone else,"
His voice was quiet, and he rubbed the back of his neck. I could tell he was no more confident that I was.
"But not enough about you," I admitted, "They've been with you longer, I barely knew them,"
"But you decide to carry the responsibility of their deaths, when you shouldn't. It's been too long since I've heard you laugh, really laugh, or smile that radiant smile of yours that never comes out anymore unless to please someone. I miss the girl I fell in love with in the Maze,"
"I can't bring her back," I said apologetically, looking down to try and mask the pain his words caused, " She was oblivious to this much pain and grief,"
"I know, and seeing you like this, doesn't make me love you any less," he touched my chin with a finger to raise my face back to his, "I like seeing you be so strong, and I like that you don't feel like you have to pretend with me. I'm sorry I lashed out."
His gaze was steady, and I knew what he was saying was true, I just didn't know what to say. He dropped his hand and lowered his eyes,
"It's just the truth is, I'm terrified. When I came to the Glade at first and I was freaking it, it was Chuck and Newt who helped me out, and yeah Minho came later, but losing Chuck killed me. I can't believe he's gone. I'm never going to hear him laugh, watch him stuff his face like there's no tomorrow, see him get out of breath so easily it would make us all laugh. He was my friend, he was so good. He saved my life, I owe him everything, and I can never pay that debt. I can't even take time to grieve him because everyone I know is dying and we just have to keep going, keep on moving, and now I'm losing Newt." His voice cracked, and it sent shooting pain through me, "Hell, Lizzy, if I didn't have you I'd be broken beyond repair. It's you holding me together, and sometimes I just need you, but you're always running off solving everyone else's problems, and you were right, what have I done to help? Nothing. I'm sorry for getting angry with you, I really am-"
"Tonight," I said cutting him off softly, "I will stay by your side. No one else's problems will drag me away from you. I will stay with you, I will be there for you, I promise. You've been there for me so much I owe you. I'm sorry about… this,"
I gestured to my crumbled state,
"Why the hell are you sorry about this? I set you off. I know how this works Lizzy. You get your head in a mess about something and you panic. You were scared of what I'd say, what I'd do, so it's my fault. I'm the one who should be apologising,"
"I hate how you always have to deal with my breakdowns, I hate being so weak,"
"I don't, It means you trust me, how could I hate that? And you are anything but weak Lizzy. You just use so much strength keeping everyone else afloat. Come here," He said and I relaxed into his arms.
"I will do everything I can to make sure you make it out of here alive," His breath tingled on my ear, "I will protect your life with my own. I'm never letting go of you,"
"You know I'll do the same."
Thank you for reading, Please Follow and Review :)