One month later...

Dean knelt in front of where he had buried Lucy. A little grass had grown there and the sky above was overcast. Staring at the ground, Dean felt a horrible aching go through his chest as he sighed and swept his fingers across the ground.

Sighing, he slowly stood up before staring down. Underneath a few feet of soil was his Lucy. His Lucy doll who he loved more than life itself. Laying underneath a cold blanket of dirt and darkness was the one woman he loved.

Sighing he stared at ground before shoving his hands in his pockets.

"John is getting big, he's a little son of a gun...I have no idea what I'm doing but if you can lend me a little help...I'll take it..."

Dean felt that dull ache in his chest again before quickly wiping his eyes. Turning, he began to walk towards the cabin.

Later...

"Come on buddy..."

John laid back in his bassinet and began crying loudly. His tiny fists bound up as he screamed at the top of his lungs. Wiggling back and forth, his face turned bright red. Sighing, Dean knelt down by the foot of the bed, trying his hardest to undress him.

"Come on..."

He mumbled, almost pleading to him. The baby continued to cry even louder before Dean lowered his head and sighed. He was exhausted and last night's drinks were pounding in his head. Sighing, he waited a second before taking down the rest of John's one piece. Scooping his up, he stood and began walking out towards the kitchen.

Sam sat on the couch, doing research.

Dean carried the baby over to the kitchen sink, before turning on the water. Plugging the drain, he waited, testing the water with his free hand. The baby continued crying loudly against him as he gently rubbed his bare back and tried his hardest to sooth him.

Sam glanced up.

"He okay?"

Dean shot him a rather annoyed looked.

"I don't know man, he's been fussy..."

Sam held up his hands in defense before looking back down at his books. Dean sighed before finally gently putting the baby into the luke warm water. John began to scream even louder as Dean sighed and gently cupped his hands, trying to wash him. Water splashing onto his jeans, he bent down, keeping the baby's head up before lowering his head, his shoulders shrugging, he shut his eyes as silent tears began to roll down his face.

"Hey...here..."

Dean opened his eyes embarrassed and quickly looked down sniffling as Sam stood beside him. Reaching down into the sink, Sam lifted John who had completely stiffened up and was screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Hand me a face cloth..."

Dean used his free hand to wipe his eyes before grabbing one that he had taken out earlier and handed it to Sam. By then the baby's screams had turned into tiny whimpers and hiccups. Staring at them with his big eyes, John seemed to almost relax at one and floated there while Sam held him above the water. Dean blinked his disbelief before making a face. The last couple of days just seemed to blur together.

His head and heart ached. All leads were turning into dead ones. Dick seemed like a lost cause, and Bobby and Lucy were dead.

Dean tried his hardest to escape with the drinking and turning away from Sam, but with each day it seemed to get worse and worse. He knew that they couldn't hide here forever, and he knew he that he was doing a terrible job with the baby. He didn't know anything about babies or being a father. Suddenly he felt as if knew what his father went through after their mother died. He was trying his best, but he couldn't help but feel that small ache inside of him that saw John with regret. He knew he shouldn't have gotten Lucy pregnant, that from the beginning he should have known this wasn't supposed to happen, that he wasn't meant to be a father. That getting her back the second time should have taught him that he had to protect her...

Instead he was now learning that no matter what, he would have lost her. That Cas somehow was telling the truth, that she helped in getting him back, and made sure their son could have been born. That no matter what he did, how many deals he tried, or how much he fought...she would have shortly died after John was born. That originally these demons tried to kill her in that explosion with their unborn child...but then the angels fought back...brought her back to him and gave him a second chance.

And he blew it.

Yes he was given more time, and the baby they seemed to have wanted so badly. But no matter what, his Lucy still would have died. Cas had tried to explain it was meant to be, but Dean just couldn't believe it. Yes, instead of loosing both of them, he now had their baby...but knowing he had something to do with him loosing her killed him.

Now his Lucy was really gone. No more tricks, no spells, no second chances.

She was dead, buried outside underneath a blanket of earth. Cas had taken over her body, but now disregarded her like a piece of trash. She had served her purpose, and now their baby was alive.

He wanted to believe she was someplace better, in fact he knew such a place existed. But knowing these angels were behind it, made him feel sick to his stomach. All he wanted was her, they had lost each other too many times and now she was gone for good. He was alone, loosing everyone all over again, feeling the worse he had ever felt in his whole life because for once he knew this was out of his control. His wife was dead...and he was alone with their newborn son.

He just wanted some answers. He wanted to know why after all of this he still lost Lucy. That Cas wouldn't explain anything, and now he was alone.

Suddenly the weight of everything seemed to pile onto his shoulders all at once. Standing by the counter, he stared down at the baby before he snapped his eyes shut and felt light headed. Sam, who was bathing John, glanced over.

"Dean?"

Dean steadied himself by holding onto the counter. Deeply sighing he looked over and blinked the tears away.

"Sorry...just really tired."

Sighing, Sam picked the baby up who thinly cried and wrapped him up in a towel. Turning, he looked at his brother and how how awful he truly looked. Dark circles were underneath his eyes, and it had been truly years since he had seen him like this.

"Why don't you go lay down...get some rest, you look awful."

Dean smirked before reaching out for the baby.

"Thanks..."

"No really, get some sleep. I'll take him."

"No, it's okay..."

"Dean..."

Dean looked his brother in the eye and for a second Sam thought he was going to break down. It had rarely happened in their life's. Usually Dean was the strong one who bottled things up. Sam knew this was a long time coming...mostly now with them loosing Bobby and Lucy. Things were different now...Dean was a father.

Dean took the baby who gurgled and stared up at him with his big hazel eyes.

Dean looked down and sighed before gently kissing the top of his head.

"I'm just a little tried...besides he makes me feel better. I'll go lay down with him for a while."

"You sure?"

"Yeah...thanks again Sam."

Sam smirked before nodding and reaching out, touching the baby's soft skin.

"Anytime..."

Dean carried John to the bedroom before laying him down with the towel. Grabbing a fresh one piece he had washed, he carefully dressed John who wiggled and cried. Feeling his head dully ache again, Dean scooped the baby up before drawing back the covers and crawling in. With John in the crook of his arm, Dean stared down at him.

"I sure wish I knew what I was doing..."

He mumbled to himself. John meanwhile had settled down and simply stared up at him. Dean stared down at him and felt awful. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. This was the baby he had wanted so badly. The baby he was supposed to have with Lucy. Looking down at him the most overwhelming feeling of love filled him as he gently held him closer to him. At that exact moment he knew that no matter what happened, he would make sure his son was safe. If Lucy had died to make sure he was born into his world, he would die before letting anything happen to him.

This was his baby...part of him and part of Lucy.

But he knew as much as he was trying, and as much as he loved him...he wouldn't be able to keep him protected forever.

Smiling, he looked around the empty bedroom before nodding to himself.

"Okay Lucy...I think I know what to do now..."

Feeling exhausted, he stared down a his baby and thought of Adam his half brother. Remembering how horrible it felt letting something happen to him. Gently rubbing John's arm as he gurgled and wiggled beside him, Dean softly hummed under his breath to him, trying to get him to doze off.

"I sure wish kiddo things could have been different. Me and your mom...we sure as hell wanted you. Your mom went through a lot to make sure you got here and I promised I was gonna protect you. I wish things were different...I wish I could have done everything my father wanted for us...but that's part of being in this family. I promise though I'm going to make sure you never have to live this kind of life...okay?"

The baby had settled down and just stared up. Gently smiling, Dean leaned over and kissed the top of his head before shutting his eyes and listening to his son's soft breathing.

"I promise kiddo...I promise.

Tomorrow...tomorrow he would make a very important phone call.