Authors Note: As stated in the last chapters note this chapter was a split. But after I wrote it I also realized that it was the twin sister of Chapter two and so I entitled it "Memories of a Beast". ( Get it? Like "Memories of Sophia-Belle" only it's a different memory and it's from Belle's point of view and….yeah you get it….)

I have been using allot of memories in this story and frankly I haven't found the plot-device terribly damaging. I think it gives the story depth. As you will see from this point on things tend to circle around themselves as I had always intended them to.

I'm very clever that way.

(Voice inside head, "No you're not!")

Not even a little bit?

(Voice, "No!")

Oh…suck! Okay…. Well… Hope you like the chapter and the memory. I tried really hard to make it realistic to the movie. OH and by the way if For You Blue or anyone else that reads her work reads this I did not steal your hunting animals idea. I actually have thought the same thing for years and have been waiting to incorporate it into my story. It's an interesting dynamic that I liked, but as you will see I didn't elaborate on it nearly as much. I am not a copycat

(Voice, "Yes, you are!")

Okay well, I might be a little bit of a copycat, but not from other people's fics, just from Disney Movies…. And as you can see I hear voices in my head and so I'm off to get some therapy! Toodles! P.S. Review or I'll just have the voice to listen to and as you can tell…she's not very nice.

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Memories of a Beast

Belle sat underneath the window. Her legs were pulled up to her chest and she rested her chin on her knees. She hated Constantine. It was an ugly place and she loathed the idea of Christian growing up here. It wasn't any wonder to her now why he rarely spoke of his childhood. In the week she had stayed here she had been plagued constantly with nightmares and it hadn't been a few hours before arriving that she had required no less then three ladies to come and sleep with her at night. She was far too embarrassed to admit it but she was absolutely terrified of sleeping inside a dead queen's room alone. Every wisp of the wind, or creek of the stairs led her to believe the whole establishment was haunted. Even now as she sat on the floor she wished Christian were there with her, if only to assure her that nothing bad would happen.

She counted seconds until six full minutes had ticked by. Six minutes that could feel like six years. A very real six years she had spent in the shadows of a life, with her marriage barely teetering on disaster. Now she wondered if they had finally tipped into said disaster. Six years was a very long time to hold in a lie like the one Christian had kept from her. It escaped her how he had managed it.

An hour went by as her thoughts swirled around and around. Her anger had ebbed away but she still hurt. Their lives were so complicated, perhaps because it consisted of two very complicated people. She laughed at herself for forgetting that very important concept.

Belle focused on her breathing. It was important to remember to breath in and out and allow her body to remain calm. Every time she found herself spinning out of control it brought up with it painful memories of confusion, hurt, abandonment, and loneliness.

As she continued to fill her lungs with oxygen, surrounded by the silence of her mother in laws room, things started to make a little more sense. Snippets of images flashed through her brain. Little things came into view that brought her back to the days after giving birth to the twins. She still could not actually remember the event. Something had happened that had caused her to black out. She was later told that she had stopped breathing and that the midwives had believed she had died. After that the next thing she could piece together was waking up in her room a few months later. She remembered feeling as weak as a kitten, mewing for care from her ladies and servants. Christian had rarely come to see her. She had always wondered about that, though now it made sense. He had been there with her for months during the sickness and had suffered hearing the strange delusional words that had come out of her mouth, plaguing him with guilt. He had endured the ridicule and the blame of her misfortune. Something that was entirely not his fault, he had made his fault. It had not been her fault either, she understood that, but her heart still felt pain for him.

In some ways, as would be natural, Belle was disappointed in her husband. He had run away like a little child from the pain and anguish. Instead of coming to her and telling her the truth, he had cut a jagged hole in the middle of the world and put himself on an island so that no one could touch him. He had believed beyond a shadow of a doubt he could prevent her from getting hurt by pushing her away and in reality it had only hurt her more.

Sometimes, Belle thought Christian was an idiot.

With the understanding that this was one of those times, the next question she posed herself with was how they were going to go about repairing this. Belle was absolutely sick of the whole affair and she was going to do everything in her power to fix this or die trying.

Yes, she was hurt, damaged, had been lied to and left alone for years but in the end she was still Belle. And Belle loved her Beast. Or was he her Prince? Or was it some strange combination of both? Or perhaps neither?

'They are the same person, Belle.' Her intellectual brain informed her.

'Yes,' She answered herself. 'Yes, he is still my everything. Even if he did do something incredibly stupid.'

Belle sighed deeply and rubbed her face with her hands. She felt vulnerable and very alone, despite her epiphany and resolve to make things right. She was intelligent enough to know it would take more time then Christian had surely been hoping. She was very reminded of exactly how male he really was in this regard. He had this strange notion he had learned in his early adulthood, clinging to it most desperately, that if one apologizes, things will instantly become better. It probably stemmed from having to violently train his brain to learn how to apologize to people for his actions. He had never become proficient at it but she had to at least be a little impressed that he would readily do so without being prompted.

'He was trying to protect me.' She found herself thinking; though protect her from what she wasn't even certain he knew. Something very bad happened and in retaliation he had done whatever he could to protect her. In a way this was most enduring to her and she understood keenly that it was a permanent part of his nature. He was protective of what was most important to him. Albeit, those things of importance had not always been good, but he was still protective of them. Belle felt that this in and of itself deserved praise. Despite the emotional damage it inflicted he had never once stopped protecting her. She had never been physically hurt or abandoned; if anything, it was her pride that was more wounded.

She wondered when she had realized this characteristic in him. It was definitely before they were married. A particular day after she had come to stay at Rose Castle, she was sure that was the memory. In the library because…everything good happens in the library. They had been reading a book, now that she was thinking about it. Yes, they had been reading when she realized this quality in him. If she remembered correctly it was his turn to read to her…..

The Beast held the book gently between his to paws, doing his best not to tear any pages.

"The web of our life is of a m-mingled yarn,……. good and ill…. together: our virtues would be proud….. if our faults whipped them not; and our crimes would despair if they were not ch-ch-ch-cherished by our…. own virtues."

He read the words very slowly in hopes that he would be able to correct his mistakes before saying them. It was another of Shakespeare's plays, entitled 'All's Well that Ends Well'. They had been going through these dramas rapidly for weeks and though the Beast loved to hear Belle read, he did not particularly like this play. The young man Bertram turned his stomach sour, possibly because he had a sinking suspicion that he would have resembled the man greatly had he been given the chance to grow up as a human.

Without looking up from the book, he thought for a moment about what he had just read.

"Belle," he began, doing his best not to stutter, "What does it mean to cherish someone?"

When there was no answer he looked to see that Belle's eyes were closed. She wasn't really asleep but was tired enough that it took her a moment to realize that he was directing a question at her. She focused her brown irises on him steadily and this made him bashful but he did not turn away.

"Hmm?" She finally murmured sleepily.

He shook his shaggy head. "Nothing. You are very tired. I did not realize it was so late, you should already be in bed."

Belle looked towards the window to see that it was quite dark outside. She was an early riser by nature and did not usually stay up this late into the night. Yawning loudly and stretching her beautiful thin arms over her head, she nodded.

Rising from his seat he set her book down on the nearby table that held a mountain of reading material to last them several years. Straitening his jacket he gave a very small smile that probably looked more like a grimace but it was the best he could do.

"I will bid you good night. Sleep well."

Belle immediately sat up and looked at him. "Do you have to go?" She asked mildly.

A little stumped by this question he thought about it for a moment. "No, I don't suppose I do. But…you should be sleeping and I would only keep you awake."

"Don't you need to go to bed as well?"

He regarded her with those arrestingly human eyes. He was trying to determine whether he should answer her question, as it would reveal more about him to her then he wanted her to know. Finally her angelic face won over his hesitation.

"No. I do not sleep at night. I have been taking naps throughout the afternoons so that I can be awake when you have time to spend with me. I would not be able to sleep at this hour if I tried."

This was an interesting turn of events for Belle. She had not realized that he was doing anything special just to spend time with her. No one had ever done that before and it was both bewildering and humbling. Aside from the fact that she was here in the first place, she had made very little attempt to understand this creature she was living with, nor had altered her daily rituals to fit his lifestyle whatsoever. Though, it would have been hard if she had tried because he rarely spoke about himself to her.

She leaned back in her seat and thought about this for a moment. He watched and waited for her to say something. Thinking it was rather awkward for him to just stand there looming over her, he resumed his seat, thought it was rather uncomfortable. His body wasn't made very well for sitting in large over-stuffed chairs for long periods of time. It made the bone in his tail rather uncomfortable, as he had to bend it alongside his body at odd angles. Sometimes she would catch him twisting it around and swishing it back and forth in irritation, though he would pretend he was perfectly content. Doesn't he realize that he gives himself away?

Finally, not sure what she should say she looked down at her hands. "I am not ready to go to bed."

The Beast nodded at this, unsure what he was supposed to do. "Would you like me to….." But his sentence trailed off, not sure how to end it. What did she want? She had asked him if he had to go, but did that mean she wanted him to stay? Did she want to be alone?

As if reading his mind she answered the expression on his face. "I would like it if you stayed with me for a while, if you don't mind."

"Is there something you wish to stay up for?" He was finally able to ask.

Her cheeks colored at this and he backtracked over his words, wondering what it was that he had said to embarrass her. When she finally spoke it was softly as if she was forcing herself to admit something she would rather not.

"I am frightened."

The Beast's heart stopped as he was certain her next words were going to reveal that she was still frightened of him and that she thought he was going to hurt her, or something of the like. It was his natural conclusion to everything and he held his breath, waiting for her to crush what little hope he had begun to build up around himself.

"The castle frightens me at night and I don't like being alone."

For a moment time stood still as the Beast slowly released his breath, wondering if she had noticed he was holding it. "It does?" he asked incredulously.

She nodded her head, feeling foolish and childish for being afraid of the dark. She watched as his eyes softened and changed color to an even deeper shade of blue. He seemed to be studying her with those eyes when he finally found the words to speak.

"I won't let anything happen to you. Nothing in this castle will ever hurt you, I promise."

She suddenly felt very warm, and found that there was no doubt in her mind that he meant what he said. Nothing would happen to her, he would keep her safe. She had never had a friend like this before in her life and it made her wonder how she had not noticed such gentle, caring qualities in him. She blushed an even deeper shade of pink and then laughed a little at herself.

"You must think me such a child, being timorous of the silly dark."

He shook his head. "No, I don't blame you. This place is not very cheerful."

She laughed again, only much more genuinely. "No, not really." She paused for a moment, wondering if this conversation was as enlightening for him as it was for her. She felt bonds growing between them that both worried and warmed her.

"Are you afraid of anything?" Her words were timid and she again felt like she was treading dangerous waters with him, asking him of personal things that were none of her business.

He took his time answering, picking his words carefully. "Yes."

"Of what?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it, then opened it again and let the word slip out.

"Everything."

How silly it would seem to have the great and mighty Beast that people had been telling wild stories about for years admit to a tiny little inventor's daughter what he was afraid of. Sillier then that was that he confessed that he was afraid of 'everything'. If he had told anyone else but Belle they might have laughed at him.

She cocked her head to the side and considered his answer for a while. It was more what he wasn't telling her that she couldn't seem to glean from his expression. Things that he wouldn't tell her. Not yet. He couldn't admit to her yet that he was afraid that she would and could leave him at any moment and how much that would rip him apart. He couldn't tell her how terrified he was of dieing alone, that he feared he would never get to feel the touch of a woman's lips, her lips, on his, afraid that he would never feel the sun on his skin, his human skin, again. So many terrors swirled around in his brain that they made his heart race, but he downed them. He had to be careful not to ruin this conversation or his chances with her.

She breathed deeply for a moment and understood that he wasn't going to elaborate on the subject any further. Knowing that he was feeling uneasy, she had the choice between pressing her luck with more dangerous topics or backing off and always wondering. She chose the former.

"Sometimes….at night, when I can't sleep, I can hear something howling outside. I asked the others what it was but they wouldn't tell me. I know what wolves sound like when they hunt and this is different…"

The Beast's eyes widened in surprise and he felt needles stab into his insides. His mouth went dry and he clenched his jaw a little tighter. Belle could tell by his reaction that she had hit a tender spot but it was curious as to why. Her naturally inquisitive mind was battling her good manners as to what drove this Beast in front of her and why he thought the way he did.

"It's you out there, isn't it?" She finally dared to ask.

There was an instant change in his countenance and it threw her back to those first few days at the castle. He snorted through his nose and his eyes turned the color of lapis lazuli. With a curt nod he finally said. "Yes."

The reaction spurred her to dig further, though she didn't know why. "Are you outside…hunting?"

As if he had come to some kind of realization, he gave another stiff nod. He seemed to have moved to a darker place that he had been avoiding and she almost wished she had kept her mouth shut. "Yes. I hunt most nights, though not as of late. If you will excuse me."

And without another word he slid off the chair and onto all fours, which she had not seen him do very often and definitely not recently. It was surprising to study how he maneuvered his body this way and she realized that it must be more comfortable for the way his joints were made. She was beginning to understand that he walked around like a man for her benefit, not his.

Unnerved by his reaction, she twisted in her chair and would have reached out to him, but was worried that he wouldn't like that. "Wait! Why are you leaving?"

He paused and shifted his weight to his haunches and turned to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"I did not mean to upset you. Please, don't leave."

He pulled his head up, perplexed and looked at her suspiciously. "Did you not understand what I just told you? I hunt things."

"Yes, I understood what you meant."

The Beast shook his head, wondering where the miscommunication was coming from. Surely she needed to be completely informed of exactly what kind of revelation she had stumbled on. "I hunt animals down in the woods and kill them. I do not cook my food or use silly little forks and spoons. I eat them will they are still warm! Now do you understand?"

Belle seemed to sense his challenge of her ability to handle the truth. She quirked her eyebrow up and looked at him as if he had said something silly. "Yes, I guessed as much. And if you are trying to scare me it won't work. I've known plenty of humans who don't even eat the animals after they've killed them. One man in my village loves nothing better then to hang up what he's killed on the walls of his tavern."

This phased the Beast and his mouth became less rigid. "Would he do that to me?" He asked softly and she realized that he wasn't so much angry as he was worried about her reactions to things she had knowingly asked about.

Belle smirked a little cynically. "I'd like to see him try."

The Beast found himself bemused by this response. Sitting down fully on his hind legs he looked deeply into her face. "I do not understand you. Why aren't you afraid?"

She could have smiled at his bewilderment but refrained. "Now that I know it is you, I don't need to be. I don't blame you for having to eat. Just steer clear of hunters and I won't have to worry about you."

Something about the nonchalance in her voice disturbed him greatly and he pulled a paw through his mane. "I think I will eat with you from now on, if you don't mind." He said cautiously. This time she did smile and tentatively reached out a hand to stroke the hair behind his left ear.

"I would like that very much. I hope you like spice cake because it is my favorite and I ask for it often."

He looked at her deeply, determining if she was serious. Apparently he decided that she was because he smiled back. "I am sure it is wonderful and I will try to….eat your kinds of food gracefully."

She nodded, acknowledging his efforts. It was amazing the difference in their relationship and how easily he accepted her answers to things, as if he trusted her. How amazing it was for her to realize that she finally trusted him. She scratched gently at the spot he was always reaching for behind his ear and without thinking he made a soft little rumbling noise that, after an extremely tense moment, she realized it was probably something akin to a purr.

"You are funny." She said with a laugh and he looked back at her suspiciously.

"No I am not." He said, rather self-conscious. How could she call him funny? He was a beast! There is nothing funny about that.

"Yes you are." She answered confidently and despite himself her smile melted any indignation he was feeling.

For a moment neither spoke, not wanting to say something to make things awkward once more. After it a moment, though, it was the Beast who broke the silence.

"Belle? What does it mean to cherish?" He asked again, still wondering about her answer.

She cocked her head to the side and thought about this for a moment.

"It means….. to care for someone. To care so deeply for someone, or something, that you would do anything for them. To you, their value is greater then yourself."

The Beast nodded, excepting this answer. "That's what I thought."

"Why do you ask?"

He shook his head and answered evasively. "No reason…."

She let the answer stand, allowing him to keep his secrets to himself. With another yawn she stretched her body out all the way down to her toes. "I think I am ready to go to sleep now."

The Beast nodded, regretting the end to their conversation, but accepting it nonetheless. He stood up on his hind legs and made a move to go towards the door and then stopped and turned towards her.

"If you would like," he began, feeling insecure "I could walk you to your room…. Just in case you need to be…. protected from anything…."

Belle paused for a moment ascertaining his words. With a small laugh her mouth erupted in the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. "I would appreciate that very much."

He smiled and then offered her his arm as Lumiere had shown him. She would not know until years and years later that every night, when he would escort her this same way to her room, he would wait until he knew she could not hear him and then he would whisper into the door frame so that only the darkness was his witness, 'I cherish you, Belle.'

Belle knew it was true. And despite it all, her anger at him and the years that had made them older and brought on the mediocrity of life, she would always know that he did, in fact, cherish her. That, in and of itself, was enough reason for her to believe that things would work out.