Chapter 35: Weak
EPOV
Irony.
It's a funny thing. Well, funny when you are willing to sit back and laugh about it.
Laughing. What does that feel like?
I grasped to remember the feeling of laughing, but it wasn't there. It was like being on a desert island. You're starving. Starving for some food to make you feel better. Your stomach feels empty. Your head feels empty. Your throat is burning from the thirst and you just need that one little morsel of food to give you that feeling of relief. You sit there and you think of your favorite food, whatever it was, you think of the taste, you think of how it made you feel, it's impossible really, but even if you did remember, would it really take away that emptiness inside of you?
It wouldn't.
Just like laughing. I could remember the feeling, but now if I did laugh, it wouldn't have the same meaning. Nothing had the same meaning anymore.
But enough about that. I'd rather not think about what's not and what would probably never be again for a long time. Let's get back to irony. While it can be funny, it could also be the work of the devil.
April 18, 2011
That was the date on the calendar of this wall. I stared at the calendar and look at all of the days that had passed and how they were spent. Well, I couldn't really say. It was a blur. Each day was just a big moment of shit, basically. Being held up in a cage, hearing the complaints of the low lives around me every five minutes, and being stuck in my head. That's what my days consisted of inside of hell. And by hell, I didn't mean jail…I meant my head.
But again; off topic. Irony. April 18, 2011. Wasn't it ironic how on the day I was supposed to fight the most and hopefully start over, was the day I actually just sort of existed and fought for nothing? The day that was supposed to mean so much to me because I would actually have a chance to prove myself, was the day I had to take the walk of shame outside of jail. Too bad I didn't get to walk out of my head. It wasn't a pretty place to be at the moment.
A month in jail. That's a long time to some people, but to me it was probably just what I deserved. I had come to the conclusion that no matter what I did, everything would go wrong. Hope…hope was a joke. I had been graced with the gift of life…oh life; what a beautiful thing. Life…life was a joke.
Well, you may ask; so Edward, if you hated life so much, why were you still living? Good question. Why was I alive? Why was anyone alive? That's the million dollar question, huh? I had the answer, so everyone listen up…life is a conniving bitch.
You see, the thing about life is it throws all of this shit at you. Life says, 'here, take this heartache…oh and have a little bit of this pain…why don't I throw in some guilt as well? Okay…now take that and live with it. I dare you to give up.' Life plays tricks with your head. If you think about ending life, it sounds good to get away from the heartache, pain, and guilt, but life, that fucking bitch, throws you a curveball.
Life says, 'hey, do you remember that shit load of crap I gave to you? Well with that, I will give you a dash of happiness, a dash of beauty, and a dash of meaning. I'll give you something to live for, but make you fiddle with the possibility of ending it.'
And man did I fiddle with it.
Back to irony. My mind. My mind. Your mind is filled with your thoughts, your feelings, and your everything basically. You should be able to control what goes on in there, huh? Well isn't it ironic that the place where you are supposed to have the most control is actually the place where you feel you have no control at all? And the place where the most disgusting and disturbing thoughts take place?
I admit, in the days after my life got turned completely upside down, I had thought of ending it. How couldn't I, you know? The most valuable and most beautiful thing that life granted me was taken away. That was one less thing I had to live for. And to top it all off, my beautiful gift was now in the hands of people who took a lot of the good I could have had in my life away.
Life; a conniving bitch. Believe me yet?
No matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I wanted to give up, and no matter how much life seemed pointless at times; I could never end it.
There were several reasons. Well, three to be exact. Wasn't it ironic how they say bad things happen in threes, yet to me, good things happened in threes. Maybe my life wasn't normal…who cares…it was still mine and I had to live with it.
First; Beverly.
Bev saved my life. She cared for me when she didn't need to, and she gave up a lot in her life to make me happy as well as…well you know. She made us happy. Bev loved me. I loved Bev. Bev lost the most important person in her life as well, yet she still thrived. She found the meaning in life, embraced it, and made a beautiful life for herself and others. Bev lost a lot, but she still had a lot to live for. I could only hope that I was one of those reasons for her, because she was definitely one for me.
Second; Bella…my love, my beauty, my crazy chick, my wifey, my savior.
She was…I didn't know how to explain her. Words completely evaded me when I tried to explain how much that woman means to me. I hoped she knew how much she meant to me though. Through every pain that rocked my body, she was there. Even if she was not there physically, if I felt pain, I thought about her. I thought about the way she looked at me, how she treated me, and how she simply loved me. She was that food I strive for on the desert island, except she was accessible to me.
Although while I was in jail, I only got a half an hour with her a day. That hurt. It hurt seeing her cry. It hurt when all I wanted to do was hold her close to me, but I couldn't. It hurt seeing a bruise on her wrist that I gave her while I wasn't in control. Seeing her hurt, but it was what I looked forward to most during the day, because even though it hurt to see her, she also made everything better. Whenever I sat in that jail cell and thought about ending it, I would think of her. She was waiting for me outside those doors.
She loved me. She told me she couldn't live a happy life without me…I would never take happiness away from her if I could help it. Even if I didn't make myself happy, I made her happy, and that was enough of a reason to stay alive…for her.
Third; Ali…fuck…it hurt to think of her name. It only hurt because I knew I had failed her so profoundly. While stuck in my head, I thought about how she felt when she was ripped away from her home and forced to live with strangers because of me. It was my fault. I accepted that and I had to live with it. If the judge or anyone else didn't think that's punishment enough for the hell I put her through, they didn't know the pain one feels when the one they love the most was suffering.
But I was sure she was being strong. She was a strong and beautiful person. If she could be strong, then so could I. So let me try this again.
Third; Alice…my everything.
If there was anyone out there who thought I would give up on her, they were crazy. I promised to that little girl that I would fight for her no matter what, and I would keep that promise. I also promised her that I would never let anyone take her away from me. I didn't keep that promise. That was what killed me the most. I thought about how she was feeling. Did she hate me? Did she think of me as a liar? Would she never trust me again? What if I get her back, would she even want to live with me anymore after this?
The truth was I didn't know. I didn't. But if for some reason she did hate me or lost all trust in me, she would always be the most important person to me. If she hated me, there was still a chance she would come around, and I had to be around for that. Just like there was a chance that I could get her back. I would not ruin that by doing something stupid and jeopardizing that. As long as she was with them, I would be doing what I could to get her back. She couldn't be with them for long. They were disgusting human beings.
I didn't remember the hearing. I didn't even know why they even let that happen while I was so obviously out of it. I asked Bowman about that. It was the only time I ever spoke of that day since, but I needed to know my options. He told me they had no way of knowing my mental state. They should have known, and I thought that Bowman should have made that known. Then Bowman said something that killed me but I knew he was being honest.
It wouldn't have made a difference.
I fucked up. I didn't try hard enough to get better for her. I settled with the idea that my love for her meant more than it did. I guessed according to the courts, love means nothing if you are too young, have anger issues, and beat the shit out of people who deserve it.
Jacob. He was someone I didn't like thinking of. I did remember what he said about my sister, and I would never forget it. Did I regret beating the shit out of him? It was hard to say. I didn't regret defending my sister and Bella, but I did regret that that decision caused me to lose something so important to me.
It made me think about how much easier my life would have been if it wasn't for my parents. Apparently my father had IED. Bowman told me that. Well wasn't that just convenient? I didn't know it was true, what killed me the most was that it made sense if he was. I couldn't say that it didn't because I knew IED more than most. And of course he had to be the star IED patient. He took pills, went to therapy, and hadn't had an episode since he fucking stabbed me. What a great story, huh? No. They guy was a fucking slime-ball and I couldn't even think about him getting to put her to bed at night.
So helped me God if one of them put a hand on her…
I was naturally not a violent person. I know, crazy right? I wasn't some sociopath who loved to see other people suffer. I would only act with violence when I felt it necessary. But if one of them hurt that little girl; violence wasn't a good enough word to describe my actions toward the both of them. I would kill them. That was all.
"Mr. Cullen, do you have a ride home?" The officer asked in annoyance. I jumped out of my thoughts and looked at him across the desk. I cleared my throat before I spoke.
"My truck's outside."
He nodded. "Okay, well then you are free to go. Your probation officer is waiting for you at his office."
"Okay." It wasn't like I was really free. As soon as I got out of there, I had to see my probation officer, and he would start me right away on my 800 hours of community service I had to complete before I was off the hook. My probation officer would place me somewhere, and I would have to work there for free for who knows how long. It wasn't that bad though. I needed something to do so I could keep my mind off of things.
He handed me the papers and I got up from my seat to leave.
"Hope we don't see you again, Mr. Cullen." The man said.
I just nodded my head in acknowledgment. Was that supposed to be funny? After I got out of the hospital, I was practically an angel. I listened to everything they told me to do and I didn't complain or anything. I was getting what I deserved.
When I opened the doors, I took a deep breath. Air. Some people took it for granted. Whenever I was offered the opportunity to go outside, I told them I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to. I didn't see the point of going outside, breathing in the air, but still being trapped. It wouldn't be good for me. But now that I was outside, I could feel the air inflate my lungs and I found a new appreciation for air.
I went to the spot where Bella said she parked my truck. I saw it exactly where she said and I sighed when I saw it. Finally I would have control over something. As soon as I got in, I reached for the glove compartment and got my phone. Bella said she would put it there.
Bella was an angel.
I unlocked it and opened up a new message. My inbox, outbox, and call log were completely cleared. Bella, the angel, remember?
I just got out. Have a good day. – E
She was at work. I practically begged her not to take the day off. She didn't need to be missing more work because of me. It would have been nice to walk out, see her beautiful face, and get to hold her, but I wouldn't get to hold her for long because of my meeting with my probation officer, and I was sure he would put me to work as soon as possible. I didn't really mind. It would be good to start as soon as possible so this whole thing could end quickly.
I started up the truck and my phone buzzed. I read her message.
I can't wait to see you, baby. I love you. –B
My heart skipped when I saw her words. Normally I would have smiled but smiling kind of flew off my radar. I was smiling in my heart. I loved her so much and I texted her back telling her just that. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed to the address on the piece of paper I was given. I was stunned at how much everything didn't seem right. Everything wasn't the same.
I guessed I had to get used to it.
"Cullen! Come on, it's almost lunch time!" Alan said.
I guessed he was my new best friend. At least that was what he said. He was incredibly happy almost all of the time though. I only knew him for about four hours, but I would know him for about 796 more.
I met my probation officer that day. I met with him, his name was Bradshaw Collins, but I could call him Brad. The guy wasn't even thirty years old, so I thought he was trying to have some kind of friendship with me. I barely spoke to him though. I didn't feel like talking. All I felt like doing was getting whatever this guy wanted me to do, done, and then I wanted to go see my girlfriend.
Thankfully or unfortunately, he got me working right away. He placed me in a homeless shelter down town. I was responsible for maintenance, which meant I was basically a janitor again. I had already lost my janitor job at the hospital, so now I had to do the same thing, but not get paid for it. I didn't complain. I deserved it. I was able to keep my newspaper job, but now I had to also be at the homeless shelter every weekday from 8-1:00. Five hours a day. Not bad, but I just wondered how I would find time to sleep. Not that I had slept more than two hours at a time since…well since everything went wrong.
I put my rag and the glass cleaner back in the cabinet. I washed my hands quickly and followed Alan into the eating area. Everything was really small, and Alan told me they could only let in two-hundred people in at lunch time. No more than that. There was a long line outside of the shelter and I didn't even realize how many homeless people were around this area.
Alan brought me to the door and ran his hands through his long hair. It was black and it was down to his shoulders. He started to pull it up into a ponytail, and he tied it up that way. "Alright Cullen. This is the most difficult part. I am going to open the door, and you just need to guide these people to the line, and make sure they don't go anywhere else." I had a question, but didn't feel like asking it. Alan must have noticed what I was going to ask. "They try and get to the sleeping areas and stay there until the night time when we let people come in and sleep. We can't have that.
I nodded. "Okay." I said.
"Alright, and then after everyone is in, I will take over for you, and you just have to clean any mess. Clear tables, sweep stuff up, there will be a lot of children, so there may be spills."
I nodded. It shouldn't be too hard right?
"Alright, well here goes nothing." He said and he turned to the door. As soon as he did, he had to block the doorway. "Alright! Everyone! Ten at a time!" He yelled over their voices.
I looked over to the front of the line and saw a woman with a baby clutched to her chest. We made eye-contact, and I was struck by the scared look on her face. Well maybe it wasn't scared. It was more like aged. The girl couldn't have been any older than Bella. If I had to guess, I would say she was seventeen or eighteen. Maybe it was just because she was so thin and frail. Who knew.
Alan let everyone in, and I had to make sure they didn't leave. I wasn't the only one, there were more experienced people around, and they helped me. I caught a couple of them trying to slip away, but with just a look, they knew they were caught, and then they would get back to the cafeteria. Once everyone was in, Alan came by and gave me a pat on the shoulder.
"Good job, man. I'll take over from here." He said.
I nodded and headed to the back of the cafeteria. I would just wait until they all left unless something big had to be cleaned. I looked around and listened. For a place filled with over two-hundred people, it was pretty quiet. Everyone stayed to themselves and ate their food quickly with a shield around it that they created with their arms. I gained a new appreciation for food in that place. Food was so easily accessible for me, but it was a treasure to them.
I was pulled out of my musings by a poke on my shoulder. I looked to my right side and saw the same girl I saw at the front of the line.
"Umm…" She cleared her throat. "You work here, right?" I nodded my head. There was no lying about it. "Would you…uh…would you mind holding my baby for a second so I can use the bathroom?" She asked.
I stiffened. I didn't know…could I hold that baby? What would it do to me? I was hesitant. "I don't know…"
"Please, she's not a bad baby." She looked down at her daughter with a smile and a sparkle in her eyes. "She's an angel really." I still didn't make any motion to take the child and I didn't know if I wanted to. The girl's face fell and she bit her lip. "Please. I just don't really trust her with some of these people."
How could I say no after that? It wouldn't hurt to just hold the baby. She was just going to the bathroom. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she gave the baby to anyone else, and something happened to it.
"Okay." I said.
She let out a sigh of relief and put a hand on my arm. She looked me in the eye sincerely. "Thank you." She shifted the baby and placed a kiss on the baby's head. "Here my sweet angel, you are just going to see…uh…" She looked up at me. "What's your name if you don't mind me asking?"
"Ed…" I cleared my throat as it was all scratchy. "Edward."
"Nice to meet you Edward, I'm Leah."
I nodded in acknowledgement, and thankfully she took that. She lifted the baby and handed her to me. I held the baby in one of my arms, and her head was cradled between the crook of my elbow. I didn't look down at her. Not yet.
"This is Claire. Claire, baby, this is Edward. Mommy will be right back."
With a final thank you to me, she walked quickly to the bathroom. So I stood there with that child in my arms. I could feel the heat of her tiny body against me, and I could feel the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed softly. I didn't even have to look down to know that she was sleeping. I looked up at the ceiling to try and hold myself together, but it didn't work. My mind turned on me, and all of these thoughts came running into my head.
How can you sit here and hold a child when you couldn't even protect your own favorite child? You're sitting here holding this child, but who is holding Alice right now? Who is comforting her? Protecting her?
Then Claire started to fuss, and I had to look down . Instantly, memories started hitting me.
"Here's your new baby sister, Edward. Isn't she beautiful?"
"Edward, you have to hold her head."
"I'll never let you go, Alice. I will protect from them forever…I promise."
I couldn't take it. I felt my arms tense, and I didn't want to hold this baby too hard and make her cry. I looked around. I found Alan standing a couple feet away from me speaking jovially with some of the people. My feet advanced and I walked over to him with the baby still fussing in my arms. He turned when he saw me, and looked at me with concern on his face.
"Are you alright man? You're as pale as a ghost."
"Take her please." I asked him, and he didn't hesitate.
Maybe we could be good friends, who knew. He took the baby from my arms, and I felt no relief. I ran out of the room and into the employees' bathroom. I closed and locked the door behind me, and then I fell right in front of the bowl in enough time to let everything that I ate during the day leave my body and fall into the bowl. I gripped the sides of the toilet seat and my fingers hurt from the force of it all. I was throwing up so much and so hard that my back began to ache and the tears fell out of my eyes.
I coughed to get as much of it as I could out, and then I rested my head on my arm as I tried to catch my breath. I clenched my fists as the usual pain shocked me. It traveled up my spine and remained in my chest. My body curled itself around the toilet bowl with the force of it. I coughed and tried to breath. I still wasn't used to this. I didn't know what was happening to me, but it was my body rebelling against me. The pain I felt emotionally got transferred into physical pain. It usually happened when I let myself think of her.
I hated myself for it. I always used to think of her when I needed comfort or I needed to think straight, so what changed now? Yes she was living with them but what did she do to deserve this kind of reaction out of me when I thought about her? Well rather, thought of her absence. I hadn't spoken to or seen her in about a month. I never went a couple hours without seeing or speaking to her for her whole life. It was slowly killing me. I needed her but I couldn't have her.
I didn't know how I could live like this. Would it get better? If it did, did that mean I stopped caring?
No.
Absolutely not.
I flushed the toilet and got up from the ground on shaky legs. I reached for the sink to hold myself up. I would need a shot of insulin. This really was killing me. I looked up at myself in the mirror. The first time I had seen myself in about a month. Did this even count? I didn't look like myself. I looked terrible. I looked lifeless.
Oh, but don't let looks deceive you. There was life in me.
Life that was being drained from me slowly.
I pulled up in front of the apartment building.
I didn't really know if I wanted to go inside. It was already a quarter past two in the afternoon. After I left the shelter, I just drove around mindlessly, because I didn't really want to go there alone. I actually didn't want to go there without Bella. She got out at three, so she would be here in about an hour. I looked and saw Bev sitting out on the porch. I called her and asked her if she would meet me outside. She agreed to without hesitation, but she was leaving soon because she had a doctor's appointment at three. It's okay, just a little bit of time with someone I care about is enough.
I turned the truck off and got out of it. I walked up to the porch, and I saw the sad smile on Bev's face. I walked slowly up the steps and stood in front of her with my hands in my pockets. She smiled and held her hand out to me.
"Come sit with me, boy." She said.
I nodded and took her hand. She knew I wouldn't want this big emotional reunion. I just wanted everything to get a little bit normal. However I didn't see that as being possible. I sat beside her and held her hand in mine with a sigh. I could feel her eyes on me, but I stared at the ground.
"You look tired, honey." She said softly.
I nodded and cleared my throat. "I am."
She didn't go any further than that. She knew even if she told me to go to sleep, I wouldn't. I couldn't. Even though I wished I could so I could just escape everything, it wouldn't work. I was unable to fall asleep until my body physically couldn't take it. I looked out at the front yard and looked right back at the ground. She played on the yard a lot. What was she doing now? Was she at least a little bit happy? I wished I could just find out.
"When did they let you out?" She asked.
"Seven this morning."
"And you are just coming home now?" She asked curiously. She wasn't pushing me. She was just concerned.
I nodded. "Community service."
She scoffed. "Jesus, would it hurt for them to just let you breathe?"
I shrugged. "It has to get done."
"I know, sweets, but you are only one man. You shouldn't have to get out of jail and then straight to community service. It's not fair."
I shrugged. "Nothing's fair."
She sighed, and we didn't speak anymore. She knew what I meant and we didn't need to talk about that. I wasn't mad at her or anything and I think she knew that. So we just sat on the porch and she held onto my hand to let me know that she was there. I knew she was. I never doubted that. I hoped that she knew that even though I failed her, I was still there if she needed me. Why can't I call her? Oh right. They won't let me.
After about a half an hour of Bev and I sitting there together, she got up from her seat and squeezed my hand. I squeezed it back.
"Thank you." I said.
I looked up at her, and she had that sad smile back on her face. "No need to thank me, honey. If you ever need anything, you know you can call me. I may be old, but this old fart can move."
I smiled slightly. How couldn't I? "You're not that old."
She smiled full on now. It was good to see. "Oh but I am, but thanks for giving my ego a boost."
"Anytime."
She chuckled and kissed me on the forehead. "I love you, boy. Everything will work out, okay?"
I nodded and she let go of my hand. "I love you too. Thank you."
She smiled and ruffled my hair before turning to leave. I still had about a half an hour before Bella came. To say I was anxious would be an understatement. I missed her so terribly. I couldn't wait to hold her and to feel her near. Something told me she would make me feel a little bit better. At least I hoped that was true.
It seemed I was wrong. I didn't have to wait thirty minutes at all, because not even a minute after Bev left, Bella's car pulled up to the front of the apartment building. I could feel my heart beat hard and healthy against my chest. Yes, I knew seeing her would make me feel better. I got up from the seat and stood at the top of the steps waiting for her impatiently. I had to contain myself from running down to her and getting that comfort I needed from her.
She got out of her car and started walking quickly toward me. She was just as anxious to see me. She looked beautiful. The most beautiful thing I laid eyes on since I walked out of that place I had been held for so long. I always longed to see her beautiful face while in jail, but seeing her there didn't do her justice. Seeing her running toward me with the fresh air blowing in her hair made me want to hold her even more. I needed her. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be able to cope.
She jogged up the steps and stopped in front of me. I could see the tears in her eyes. She was always so emotional. She grabbed onto my hands and I squeezed them while we looked into each other's eyes. She smiled widely, and a foreign smile made its way to my face.
"Hi." I said.
She chuckled and let go of my hands so she could wrap her arms around my neck and hold me tightly.
"Hi, baby." She said and I could hear the tears in her voice.
I finally did what I wanted to do for the longest time. I wrapped my arms around her and finally got to hold her. Feeling her close and breathing in her scent did help me immensely. The pain in my chest lessened and I felt like I could really breathe again.
"God, I missed you so much." She breathed and kissed the side of my head before tightening her grip around me again.
"I missed you too." I mumbled against her neck, which I kissed.
She ran her hands through my hair and pulled away. She put her hands on each side of my face and looked me over. I wiped away the tears from her cheeks. I didn't want to see those.
"Are you feeling okay, baby? You look a little pale." She said.
"I need to take some insulin."
Her face fell and worry overtook her. "Why? What happened?"
I cleared my throat and held onto her a little tighter. "It's kind of hard to keep things down."
She sighed, knowing exactly what I mean. "Alright. It's okay. Let's just go inside, get you some insulin, and then eat later on for dinner."
I didn't know if I was ready, so when she went to walk inside, I held onto her tighter. She looked sympathetic and patient. "I thought you got out at three?"
She sighed. "I know, but I didn't take my break today, so I got my stuff done then and asked to leave early."
I pushed a piece of hair that flew in her face out of the way. "You didn't have to do that."
"Shut up. I did. I needed to see you."
I gave her a half smile. I couldn't explain how much it meant to me that she wasn't walking around eggshells around me. She treated me like she usually did; with love, care, and teasing of course. She started to head inside, but I didn't want to do that right then. So I pulled her back again, and she looked worried for a second, but I put my hands on both sides of her face and leaned down to kiss her. She instantly relaxed and her soft lips moved with mine. She sighed against my lips and I was surprised I felt contentment. Something I hadn't felt in a while.
We both jumped when someone driving by beeped their horns at us. We pulled away slowly and I rested my head on her forehead. She was blushing and looked like she wanted to move out of there.
"I don't know if I can go inside." I said finally.
She sighed and put her hand on my cheek lovingly. "You can. Trust me."
I sighed and nodded my head. I could do this. It shouldn't be so bad, right? Yes. I could do this. I had to do this. Where would I live?
Bella grabbed onto my hand and let me into the apartment. As I walked up the steps, I remembered the time she fell down them when she was three years old. I just about had a heart attack but she was fine. As I turned the corner and I looked at the front of my door, I remembered the time she ran straight into the door because she wasn't looking where she was going. We both had a good laugh with that one.
Bella opened the door and many memories hit me. Right by the door was where I taught her to tie her shoes. As I walked inside, Bella brought me to the living room. On that floor, was the floor that she took her first steps on. The right wall was the wall that she decided to be a mini-Picasso on when she was two. So many memories hit me like a truck, but they didn't hurt like I expected them to. No, the memories actually felt good, but what did hurt was seeing there was no trace of her living there anymore.
All of her coloring pages and drawings were gone from the walls. Her pictures were taken down and replaced with some kind of scenery pictures. I wasn't mad about it necessarily. I asked Bella to take them down for now. I just didn't know if I could take seeing her without getting to hold her or talk to her. That would be too much for me. Plus I didn't need pictures. I knew what she looked like. But what if she changed and I missed it…
"Baby?" Bella said with a hand on my arm. "Are you alright?"
I looked over to her and nodded. "Yeah, I'm good."
She put her hand back on my cheek and sighed. "You look exhausted. You should try to take a nap."
I nodded. I didn't think it would work, but she really looked concerned about me, and I didn't want to worry her more by saying no. I could try for her.
"Come with me?" I asked.
I wouldn't want to just lay there without her. It had been far too long since I held her while trying to fall asleep…maybe that was why I couldn't sleep…although I knew it was more than that.
"Of course. What else would I do? Sit on the couch and stare at the wall?" She asked lightheartedly, and I appreciated her attempt to make me laugh.
I smiled as best as I could. "Wouldn't put it past you, crazy."
She laughed and pulled on my hand to lead me to my room. My bed never looked so amazing. I had been sleeping on a piece of cardboard basically for so long now, I forgotten what sleeping on a comfortable bed felt like. She kicked off her shoes and so did I. I didn't even bother taking my jeans or anything off before I face-planted onto my bed. I sighed in contentment and hoped my mind would shut off long enough to let me sleep for a while.
Bella pushed me and I quirked an eyebrow at her. "Get your ass off of the blankets. It's cold in this room."
I groaned and got up from the bed. Bella pulled the covers back and we both got under them. She laid on her back and I curled up on her side with my arm around her and my head on her chest. She wrapped her arm around me as well and kissed the top of my head.
"I don't know if I will fall asleep." I said.
She ran her hand through my hair. "Just try. If not, at least you got some kind of rest."
"Are you going to go to sleep?"
"Baby, it has been over a month since I was able to have you this close to me. I am so content right now, I wouldn't put it past me to fall asleep."
I smiled a half smile and held onto her tighter. "I love you."
"Love you too, babe. Now try to sleep, alright?"
I nodded and tried. I really did. I closed my eyes and listened to Bella's heartbeat and felt the rise and fall of her chest. She played with my hair for a little bit until she fell asleep herself. She wasn't snoring—she got her adenoids and tonsils out when she was eight—and I just listened to her breath. It was the best kind of distraction. My mind could so easily wander and it could get painful and irritating. After about thirty minutes, I couldn't just lay still anymore. I needed to do something to get my mind going and focusing on something else. I looked up at Bella and made sure she was in a deep sleep, and she definitely was, so I got up from the bed gently so I wouldn't wake her. I placed her hand that was around me on her stomach and she didn't move even a little bit. I brought the blankets up around her and kissed her head.
I stood up and stretched. I was in that house with just silence around me. I looked at Bella and tried to stop myself from waking her up just so she can distract me. That wouldn't be fair to her. I turned towards my door. I needed to find something to do.
Anything to get my mind off of all the shit going on in my life.
My ears and my head began to hurt, but it was better focusing on that then focusing on something else.
I had my iPod on, and my headphones in my ears on full blast. I put on the most rocked out song and rested my head on my arms on the table. My leg bounced as I waited for Bella to wake up. I took a shower and then got dressed into sweat pants, t-shirt, and one of my hoodies. Oh how I missed regular clothes. I cleaned the bathroom and scrubbed everything. Then I didn't know what to do. I could see the door to that room in front of me when I stepped out of the bathroom, and I had to control myself before I opened it. I didn't know what was in there anymore, but she wasn't, so it didn't matter.
So that's how I ended up sitting at the kitchen table with my head down listening to music. It was already almost five. I guessed Bella was really tired. I really wanted to talk to her and just see what she had been doing this whole month. I felt like everything had been about me lately, and I hated it. What was done, was done, and everything else was my problem, and I would deal with it. I didn't need people treating me like a ticking time bomb or some shit. I had done shit on my own for pretty much my whole life, so I thought I could continue on.
"Oh shit!" I said when I felt a hand on my back and nearly fell out of the chair from the scare I got. I turned around and looked at a still tired looking Bella with her hair all over the place and the right side of her face all red. I pulled the headphones out of my ears and sighed. "Fuck…you scared me."
She sighed. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't really think of a good way to get your attention since the music was so loud."
I shook my head and wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her onto my lap. "It's alright."
"Did you get to sleep?"
I rested my chin on her shoulder and shook my head. "No."
She rubbed her eyes and sighed. "Well are you hungry?"
"Not really." I didn't want to tell her that pretty much everything I ate ended up finding a way out before it made any positive effect on my body. I had had to take many glucose pills and insulin while in jail. I didn't want to tell Bella just to worry her. She already worried too much.
"I'm going to order food anyway. You need to eat." She got off of my lap and went to the drawer where I had all of the take-out menus. I noticed the sticker that said 'Take-out things' on it written in a little angel's handwriting was no longer there. I just brushed it off. The sticker was gone and so was she, but she was healthy and…well I hoped she was happy. I didn't see how when she was with them…
"I just said I wasn't hungry, Bella." I snapped at her. She stopped rummaging through the drawer at my tone and turned to me slowly.
"Well I am and you need to eat at some point, baby." She said concernedly.
"Whatever." I said and rested my head back on the table. I heard her whisper an okay and I heard more rummaging. My head was pounding and I tried not to think of her in that house with them. I lived in a house with them. Most of my time was spent in my room trying to find something to do to entertain myself. All by myself…no one to play with or someone to listen to what I wanted to say…
"Bowman called earlier." Bella said as she dialed in the number into her phone. "He said…"
"I don't care."
She stopped dialing and looked up at me. "Edward, you need to know when your next hearing is."
"I. Don't. Care."
She put the phone down on the counter. "Edward, what is wrong? I'm just telling you because he asked me to tell you…"
"Fuck, Bella! I don't want to talk about that shit or that fucker that thinks he is all innocent and shit when he is just a complete asshole."
Jacob…fucking prick. He sued me. Big surprise. That's how I got the month in jail and 800 fucking hours of painful community service. Every court date I had—two so far—the imbecile cried each time saying he didn't do anything and that I was being a bully. What were we, three years old? Apparently he had a bad childhood—join the fucking club—yet he was rolling in cash. I guessed money can get you anything…including paying off a judge to disregard anything me or Bowman said about Jacob threatening my little sister.
I gave up on trying to reason with the government. Seriously. It really didn't matter what they did to me after they already took Alice away, so I just let them chew me up, spit me out, and then stomp all over me. I didn't fucking care at that point and I didn't care about my next hearing which would be to find out if I was doing what my probation officer was telling me what to do and blah-blah-fucking-blah. I was sick of it.
Bella crossed her arms and walked over to me. She had that worried look on her face and she reached for my hand but I moved out of the way. She pulled her hand back like she had been burned.
"Okay, so this is how it is going to be?"
I rubbed my hands over my face. "What are you talking about?"
"You're going to push me away now?"
I couldn't stand looking at her hurt face, so I looked away. "I don't know what you're talking about Bella. I just need some space right now, alright?"
"Okay…" I heard her feet shuffle. "I guess I will go then."
"No!" I said loudly and looked over to her. She stopped in her tracks and looked back at me. She looked so hurt and lost and that was my fault. Every fucking thing was my fault and no matter what I did, I couldn't fucking fix anything. "I'll go." I got up from the seat and zipped up my hoodie.
"No don't be ridiculous. This is your house, Edward."
"I need some air. It would be nice to have some when I went a fucking month without any." I walked past her and went to get my shoes from next to the front door. Hers used to be right next to mine, but were so small…
Bella walked up behind me and grabbed my arm, but I pulled away. She grabbed onto my arm again. "Look at me, damn it!" She said exasperatingly.
I turned to look at her and saw the tears forming in her eyes. I couldn't…I just couldn't stand this shit. Everyone I loved either got taken from me or I ended up hurting them. I needed to think about things. I needed to figure out what they hell I was doing wrong.
"What?" I asked.
"I get you're upset. It's understandable, but please…" She stopped to clear her throat as her breath got caught on the last word. "Please don't push me away. I'm trying Edward, I really am. I just don't know what to do for you. Please just let me help you. Tell me what you need."
I looked away when a tear fell from her eye and she let go of my arm. "I need some time to think."
I noticed how stupid I must have sounded since I had a whole fucking month to think and be on my own, but I never expected my mood to go down so much. I thought Bella being around would help and I would be perfectly fine. At least I thought I would be able to function normally. That wasn't the case. Not that Bella didn't make it better…she did. It was just a lot to take it. It took a lot out of me walking into that house and her not being there to greet me when I walked in or stand behind a door to scare the shit out of me. Everything was so different and I didn't know how to get used to it.
"Okay. Well please just be careful."
I nodded. "I will." I started to walk out, but then I realized I was about to break another one of my promises and maybe even hurting her again. I turned to look at her. "I love you."
I didn't want her to think I was pushing her away…maybe I was. Fuck. I didn't know. That's why I needed to just think. I needed to think and stop trying to push every thought away just because it hurt. I needed to man-up and just take it so I didn't hurt Bella or Bev or anyone for that matter.
She wiped away her tears. "I love you too, baby."
I hoped she knew how much that meant to me.
I got back home around ten.
I went for a ride for about an hour, and then just sat in my car in the parking lot of a super market for a while, and then took a walk. I thought a lot about everything, but found myself going nowhere. I stopped and got some food to eat in the super market. Just a salad. I didn't want anything that would make me throw up faster.
When I got home, the house was silent and dark. She must have gone home. I couldn't blame her. She had work the next day and probably class. I wasn't going to try and act like I didn't care she wasn't there. I did. I wanted her with me. She made me feel better, and I feared she didn't think she did. I fucked up. Again.
My time to think didn't help. I felt like I was running around in circles in my head.
I kicked my shoes off and headed to my room. Might as well just get ready to go to sleep. I had work at three in the morning. Let's see if I can fall asleep. Maybe I could text Bella and see if she was still awake.
I opened the door to my room and flipped the light on. Then something made my heart jump in my throat.
An envelope.
I walked slowly to the bed and as I approached, the one small word on the front of the envelope made me stop in my tracks. I brought my hand to my mouth to hold in my emotions.
Ecy
It was in her handwriting. I would know it anywhere. It was really narrow and she always wrote so her words slant down to the right. Even if I gave her a paper with lines, she would drift off of them. Her mind always wandered and she would lose her concentration. I thought her handwriting was perfect though.
After collecting myself, I walked toward the envelope. I picked it up with shaky hands. I took a deep breath and sat down at the edge of the bed and stared at it. Was I ready to look at what was inside?
Yes. I needed to stop running away from everything and just deal with it. Maybe that's my problem. I didn't know.
I opened the envelope carefully so I didn't rip it too much. I took out the single piece of white-lined paper and unfolded it. I smiled and swallowed down a lump in my throat when I looked down at the handwriting making a nice slant to the right. I knew her. I knew her better than they did. I tried to hold it together as I read the words.
Dear Ecy,
Don't be sad. Bella says you are sad and I don't want you to be. Bev says I have to go with our mommy and daddy. I don't want to but Mrs. Marshall says I have to and have no choice.
I looked away from the paper and wiped the tears from my eyes. I never cried but it was too much. I always told her she would always have a choice. Another lie. As much as I wanted to pain to go away, I still craved some sort of contact with her so I looked back at the page.
We can still fight. I have to go now. Bella says she will give you my letter and I believe her because I love Bella.
I miss you a lot Ecy. I'm being good and not crying. You hate it when I cry so I won't. I will fight some more so I can give you a hug and kiss. I miss your hugs. I love you and you are my favoritest person in the whole wide world.
See you soon,
Alice M. Cullen
I put the letter to the side of me on the bed and wiped away my tears. I hated crying. It made me feel weak, but sometimes I couldn't control it. I dug into my pocket and took out my phone. I pulled up a new message to Bella and typed it the best I could with my shaking hands.
Please come back. –E
I ran out of the room and into the bathroom. I dropped in front of the toilet and let my salad make a reappearance. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It's like my body knew she was gone too and couldn't take it. I couldn't fucking take it.
My phone buzzed in my hand and I looked down at it.
Already on my way. 2 minutes. –B
I didn't know how she knew I needed her. Maybe Bev heard me come in and called her. I didn't know, nor care. As long as she was coming. I needed her.
I cleaned myself and the bathroom up as fast as I could so Bella didn't worry even more. Once finished, I headed back to my room so I could read the letter again. I knew I shouldn't have, or maybe I should have…who the fuck knows! I wanted to, so I read it again.
I felt the sweat go through my t-shirt, so I took my hoodie and my t-shirt off. I felt weak. I needed insulin maybe…or maybe my body just couldn't take it anymore. I laid on my side on the bed and clutched the letter to my chest. I thought maybe holding it there would help me or something. I had no idea. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. Why did things have to fuck up?
I heard the front door open and I was glad she was there. I didn't bother getting up because I didn't think my legs would carry me. I heard her quick steps walking or running towards me room. I heard her walk into the room and she climbed onto the bed. She laid out behind me and wrapped her arm around me from behind. Her hands were cold on my bare skin, but it didn't matter. She was there. She kissed the side of my head.
"When did you get this?" I asked her right away.
"We had to bring her stuff to her and see her. She was really worried we didn't pack her toothbrush. You know the…"
"Mechanical one." I interjected. "She loved that thing."
She nodded and ran her hand along my arm. "Right. Well we only had about ten minutes with her, and Bev made sure they would give her enough time to write you a letter since you didn't get to see her before…" I stiffened and she held onto me tighter. "Anyway. It took her about fifteen minutes to write it because she needed help on the spelling but she insisted that she be the one to write it."
"Was she okay?"
She took a second to answer. She linked her fingers with mine and held me close. I wished I could see her face. "She was confused. And sad of course."
Bella wiped away a tear that fell over my nose and I tried to control myself. If she was being brave, then so could I. "Did she cry? Please just be honest."
"She did. Right when we were about to leave. She just kept telling us to tell you she loved you and missed you."
I closed my eyes shut tight to try and control myself, but a sob broke out of my chest. "I miss her, Bella."
She kissed the side of my head and held onto me. "I know you do, baby. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, and I won't try to act like I do. I miss her too of course, but I know that she was your everything. But please know that you raised an amazing, resilient, and smart little girl. She doesn't blame you. She knows you won't give up on her, and she is taking things as they come."
"I just want her to be happy and I don't know how she can be when she is with them. Of all people, why them?" She kissed my shoulder. I didn't expect her to answer. "Bella…why did they take her from me? I love her more than anyone…why would they do that to me? What the hell did I ever do? I know I'm not perfect but fuck…"
She let go of me instantly and pulled me over to look at her. She pulled me to her chest and held me tighter than before. I wrapped my arms around her as well and breathed in her scent. I got tears on her shirt, but I didn't think she would mind.
"I ask myself the same question every day, love. No one's perfect, you aren't perfect, but you don't deserve any of this, okay? None of it." She said fiercely and I could hear the tears in her voice.
"Shh…please don't cry." I said and rubbed her back.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I just don't know how to help you."
I pulled away so I could look at her. I didn't know what I would do to get through this, but I wouldn't drag Bella down with me if I fell. She needed to know that she was an angel. "You already have." I said. "I can't tell you how much it means to me that you waited for me when I was in jail, and I cannot thank you enough for being there with her when I couldn't."
"I wouldn't have done any different. I love the both of you. Of course I will be there for you both." I wiped away her tears and she wiped away mine. I didn't feel so weak crying in front of Bella. I still wished I could have stopped though.
"I know, and I love you too, just please…please remember that."
"I know you love me, baby. I never doubted you."
"I know, but I can't promise I will be the best person to be around in the future. I'm sorry I flipped on you before. I don't even know where that came from."
She shook her head. "Don't apologize."
"No. I am going to apologize. You don't deserve to be yelled at and shit. I just need you to be patient with me, okay? If I push you away, know that I don't really mean it because I will always need you. Especially now."
She ran her hands through my hair and kissed my forehead. "You have me."
I pulled her to my chest and kissed the top of her head. "I just don't know how to function in a world without her. I don't know what it's like to walk into the house and not have her run to me and either hug me or attack me. I don't know what it's like to go to bed without knowing she is in a room down the hall…safe. I don't know what it's like to not see her or hug her…I guess I have to get used to it, but I don't want to. I don't want to know what it's like without her when I fought so hard for her all my life."
"I'll help you as much as I can."
Things started making sense to me. I needed to figure out how to deal with this. Alice didn't love me less or stop trusting me. She knew I would never give up on her because that is how I raised her. She was strong. She would stand up for herself unlike me when I was her age in their hands. She has something I didn't have. She knew what it was like to feel loved, and she knew that she deserved that love and wouldn't settle for anything less. She would be okay for now.
She was waiting for me.
"I won't stop fighting for her either. Never."
My knees went weak and you saw me cry.
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes.
I may not have the softest touch,
I may not say the words as such,
And though I may not look like much;
I'm yours.
And though my edges may be rough,
I never feel I'm quite enough.
It may not seem like very much;
But I'm yours.
I'm Yours, by The Script
I hope you all liked this chapter and getting into Edward's head! So sorry I didn't get to reply to all the reviews, but this week was busier than I thought it was going to be and I figured you all would want a Friday chapter instead of a review reply so that's what I did.
Thank you Alexa for pre-reading for me of course and helping me sort out my thoughts and what not. I think it's funny that we related everything to the Bed Intruder song and have no shame about it. LOL
Next update will be soon! I have more time to write during the weekend so we will see what happens!
Review please!