Autumn Leaves

Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious

A/N:

Chapter 38 (Conflicted Hearts)

Still waiting on Roger to call them and let them know how things were going with the Cravens, Trina and Jesse remained on the couch with a large blender full of freshly made smoothies. They were watching some movie on the television, but it was hard to get into it since the first half of it was excruciatingly boring. Trina tugged her lip back and looked over to Jesse, her conversation with Tori was still fresh on her mind. "Hey Jesse. I'm…about to ask you a personal question, so stop me if it's too much." He took a sip of his smoothie and glanced at her curiously. "It's about you and Sasha, I guess. Maybe even before that."

"Okay. What do you want to know?"

"Did you two ever, you know…make love?" He moved back slightly and looked back to the television with a frown. Trina shook her head and looked away, lifting up a hand. "Too personal, I know. I'm sorry." She rubbed her knee and stared down at the blender. It wouldn't matter to her if he had. Rather, she'd be happy for him if it were the case. She felt the couch shift and glanced over to see him leaning to the right a bit.

"No." Her heart stopped and her lips parted. "We never went that far. I respected her, she respected me. Not only did we want to wait until we were married, we didn't want to risk having a kid in the life we were in. Can you imagine…raising a child in this life? You can't always trust birth control. As for any other woman, no. I've never done that with anybody. I'm not macho to admit it, because I don't see a problem with admitting to that. You?"

"No, there's nothing wrong with admitting it. I mean I don't get the hype either. Why does it matter?" She leaned forward to grab the blender and refill her drink. "I respect a man that's willing to admit that, and I respect you…because you respect boundaries. Sinjin was that way too, he never pushed, never wanted that. I was thankful for that. You're probably surprised to learn that about me."

"Not really." She leaned back in the couch and smiled at him. "You didn't seem like the type of woman to do that, so I never assumed or thought about it. He leaned back and turned his head towards her, meeting her eyes with a soft smile. "Any man would be lucky to be with you, you know that? Sounds like you made Sinjin pretty happy." Her cheeks began to redden and her heart began to race against her ribs.

"I bet you made Sasha incredibly happy."

"I did the best I could." He put his hands to his waist and glanced up to the ceiling. "Sometimes the best is all we can do. Like you, I wanted her to be out of this life, but no matter how much she wanted out, she didn't want to leave as long as I was stuck in it. I shouldn't have let her out of my sight that day, you know…"

"You really loved her." She bit her lip and looked down as her hand slowly slid towards him. Her heart echoed within her as she stopped and pulled her hand away. "You think…You think you'd ever have enough room in your heart for another woman?"

"I don't know. I want to think I can love someone else again. I'd be afraid of being alone for the rest of my life."

"Yeah…" She didn't want to be alone either, but how could she ever open herself up to love someone else? Even if she felt it, she was scared still about what Sinjin would think, and he wasn't even around to care. "What do you think…what do you think would happen when we die? Say we fell in love with someone new and we passed on, who would we be with in the afterlife?"

"Well, some religions say when you die. You don't have semblance of relationships and stuff. You recognize the person and you know them, but you don't really have that earthly relationship anymore. I don't know if that's the case or not…"

"If it is, then…why would we pine for someone still up there?"

"I don't know. Broken heart, maybe? The feelings remain on earth." She was surprised by how much he seemed to know. It was hard to imagine how he got so smart, and of course, it did impress her. He scratched his head and let his eyes drop for a minute. "I went through this when Sasha passed away. Wondering about whether or not I'd see her again and all that. I think-I know that I will, but I know we won't have the same relationship up there that we had here. I had someone, a preacher really, explain it to me. He told me I shouldn't dwell and I should move on with my life, but it's difficult to really think that as an option when you've been with someone for so long, and then it's hard to think they'd be happy if you moved on from them."

It sounded like Pastor James, really. She understood the advice, it was essentially what David told them so long ago. She didn't know what Sinjin would think about her wanting to move on from him because her heart still yearned for him, but her heart also yearned for the touch of someone else. Would he really be happy if she moved on? At the same time, she knew Sinjin would never want her to be so stuck on his passing that she never tried to have a healthy relationship again. "Do you ever think about whether or not to try and feel, again? I mean, it's confusing and everything, but…sometimes I think, I want to be loved by someone and I want to give someone my love. I'm scared though."

"Of what?"

"What Sinjin would think."

"I think he'd want you to be happy. But then, for me to give advice like that." Jesse leaned sideways a bit and peered down at the blender. "Don't think that it doesn't cross my mind, though. I wonder about the same stuff. It's been almost a year since Sasha-Roger and everyone else have constantly been up my ass about getting back out there and trying to date again, but they just don't get it. I know they mean well, but…" Trina frowned as Jesse looked back to the television. "I don't know how to explain it. I'd probably say the same thing as you, though, about Sasha."

Her heart began to split amongst her own confusion. She studied the luminescent glow on his body from the television screen. It accentuated his muscular arms and the light flickered on him at the pace of her own heart. Her eyes began to mist, much to her annoyance. She wiped her eyes quickly and looked away.;

"What is wrong with me? Sinjin…I-" She shook her head and stifled a whine as her chest began to ache. The throbbing inside sent out slivers of pain that numbed her body and tensed her muscles. "I want to be happy. I want to be with Sinjin, but…God help me…" Even if he was gone, even if he wouldn't care anymore, how could she ever betray him by being with another man? She wouldn't be, would she? "Is it really okay, if I allow myself to feel these feelings or should I continue to push them away?" Her eyes drifted to Jesse and her stomach tightened up.

It would be easier if it were just sudden, but it had been a gradual progression since the day she met him. All attractions she felt towards him, all feelings that sparked between the two of them, she'd pushed down for so long. To the point that it was getting harder and harder to keep doing so.

"Trina. I do not want to hurt you." She jerked her head up suddenly and looked over to see him studying the wall above the TV.

"What? Hurt me? Seriously? After all this time, you think you could hurt me?" She wanted to laugh, to smirk and scoff, but she couldn't. Jesse looked towards her, smiling slightly. "You couldn't possibly hurt me." Though he could, she hadn't built her wall quick enough to keep him out. Nobody could hurt her, but he very well had that power. When did she allow that? "No. Why would you think you would hurt me? What could you possibly do to do that?"

"We both know that we're not entirely over the people we loved before. For you it's Sinjin, for me-Sasha." He looked into her eyes and his expression grew serious. "I see how you act sometimes, and I hope I'm not coming across an asshole by saying this, but I can see the way you look at me."

"Yeah, well-"

"Don't think I don't do the same. The thing is, while you still have feelings for Sinjin and you still pine for him, so do I where Sasha comes into play. I don't want to lead you on, especially if I still have feelings for someone else, who…yes, isn't around anymore." She bowed her head and lifted her shoulders.

"I know. I…think the same for Sinjin." Tears started to well up in her eyes and she began to pout internally.

"Then there's the whole issue of what we're dealing with." She glanced up at him, pulled in by his gaze. She started to lean forward, trying to will herself to stop. "The Scrapperz, the Cravens…This whole life. Sasha died because of it, I won't subject you to the same thing."

"I'm already a part of it."

"I know. I would rather die than to let something happen to you, I think you know that." She lifted her shoulders as he looked to her.

"Is it possible for us to move on? I mean…I don't know, I don't want to have a relationship with someone in order to forget Sinjin. I want to feel again because I don't want to be alone. I need someone in my life who cares about me. I'm not asking you to be that person or anything, I'm just…I'm just conversing, really. That's all." She was quick to shut herself up before she let herself open up.

She felt a surprisingly warm feeling on her cheek and looked up, gasping softly. Her breath stilled in her chest as her eyes connected with Jesse's, and her hand rose to touch his. "Trina. You're beautiful, strong, intelligent, and that's why I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to get your hopes up. I'm not rejecting you, I couldn't do that, but it would take a lot for me to open myself up to someone."

"You don't think I know that? We've been living together, how long now?" He chuckled softly and closed his eyes. "You're more shut in than I am."

"You need somebody that can be there for you emotionally, not someone who is as screwed up as I am, and I think we both know that."

"Never hurts to try, but I understand. I wasn't suggesting that we-I was just-"

"Conversing? Yeah…so was I." She leaned forward slightly, keeping her eyes with his. The pain in her chest was overwhelming, and her body was completely numb. "I…I went and did it, didn't I?"

"Did what? You didn't hurt me, if that's what you're thinking." She scoffed and closed her eyes. "Just don't say 'let's be friends'. I don't want to make you think you're rejecting me or-"

"I didn't say it could never work out between us. Again, any man would be lucky to be with you. You're beautiful, strong both physically inside and out. You've got qualities about you that would make any man jump at the opportunity to be with you." Her eyelids rose halfway as her cheeks began to burn. He started to lean forward and her eyes began to widen.

Soon, their lips connected and her eyes fluttered shut as she opened her lips and moved her arms around him, leaning into the strange new kiss. Her heart exploded inside of her and the pain began to subside as a startling warmth took over her and revitalized her body. Her tears began to flow over her cheekbones as she moved her hands up to his head, tangling her fingers through his soft hair. His strong arms wrapped around her, holding her close, as though protecting her from the world.

She leaned against his body, shuddering as he pulled his lips from hers. Her heart continued to pound out its emotion. She wasn't sure what to think, or how to feel. At first thought, she wanted to beg Sinjin to forgive her, as she enjoyed the kiss, but on the other hand, she didn't feel bad about it in the slightest. She was breathless, panting heavily and yearning for more.

Jesse swept his fingers through her hair, gazing at it with a strange new emotion. "What…was that?" His hot breath fell upon her face, and she moved a trembling hand up to his chest.

"Trina. A woman like you doesn't come around often. You're special, unique, driven. The problem isn't that I still feel for Sasha like you feel for Sinjin, the problem is the risk."

"What risk?"

"I do not want to lose you. But, this life…I'm going to be honest, we can't escape it."

"You're scared." Hell, she was scared too, and all of a sudden very confused. She let out a slow breath as a lump started to form in her throat. Her lungs stilled in her chest as a breathless sensation started to over come her. "Scared of feeling something?"

"To death. Not of feeling anything, just...I haven't wanted to be with anyone else, not just because of Sasha, but because I don't want to go through that hell again. I don't want to put someone else through that hell either. I don't want to hurt you, because I…care about you. Even now I feel like I'm hurting you, and I don't want you to think that. If we're being perfectly honest here, it's because I-"

Just then the phone on the end table began to ring. Jesse winced and looked back, growling at the phone as if it were an enemy. Realizing the situation they were in, Trina pulled away and folded her hands in her lap. "Go ahead and answer, it's probably Roger."

"Trina?"

"We can…pick this up another time." She glanced at him and he let out a heavy sigh before grabbing the phone.

"What is it?" He snapped. She rolled her eyes and looked away.

"Don't snap at Roger, he didn't do anything." Jesse blinked and lowered his voice. His expression softened and his shoulders fell.

"Sorry about that, and no you're not interrupting anything." Trina leaned against the armrest and put her hand to her head. Her eyes drifted slowly to the kitchen doorway while she mentally counted the beating of her heart. What had Jesse been about to say? She supposed it didn't matter. It didn't feel like rejection in the slightest, but at the same time, she couldn't help but to feel torn apart.

She hated it. She hated how she felt, and how unprepared she was for this amount of emotion to be in her life. He didn't want to hurt her because he was afraid of losing her? She didn't know what to make of it, not to mention, she didn't know what to make of kissing him. If Sinjin knew she kissed another man, but did it matter? Of course it didn't, yet she couldn't shake the feeling of being stuck in a rut.

Jesse hung up the phone and Trina turned her head over her shoulder. "Well? How'd everything go with the Cravens?"

"They took out two of the Captains and one of the Lieutenants."

"Wesley's not going to be happy."

"Wesley can kiss my ass." Trina chuckled softly and glanced away from him. He studied her for a second and breathed out a heavy sigh. "Trina-"

"How are we going to hit the Scrapperz? I'm thinking we should probably put some spies in. Dad's already arrested Alfonso, so all they have left is Ramón, Carlos and Manuel…We need to find Manuel."

"True…"

"I think I'm going to take a shower, then I'm going to get to bed. This movie's boring me to tears." Her voice cracked for a second and she quickly rose up. She started for the stairs and stopped to look back at Jesse, smiling softly at him. "See you in the morning?"

"Yeah. I'll…see you in the morning."

"And don't worry. You're not going to hurt me. You never know, maybe I might enjoy being hurt…" He bowed his head and let out a scoffing chuckle. She cleared her throat and began making her way upstairs. She didn't want to be around him right now when she was feeling so conflicted and confused. A hot shower would probably make things better, she needed to clear her head out anyway.

So a lot of emotion in this chapter. I figured by this time it's been several months for both of them, I wasn't originally going to do this with them, but I thought it'd be okay. Now I have to ask you, considering I did try to stay away from getting too much into relationships, Trina and Jesse never have an actual date before certain events occur (which also gave me less chapters to worry about), but for sake of reader interest I can put in a chapter or two where they might actually try and date. Just a small mini arc that can be put in, but that's going to be up to you guys...