A/N Thanks for all your lovely reviews! I wrote a new one shot. You should go read it if you haven't already. It's the one dealing with Marissa at the airport instead of Kaitlin in 4x07. Also, I'm less than 150,000 words from hitting 1 million words archived on this site. Exciting stuff, right? R/R, and enjoy!
Marissa could hardly sleep that night. Whenever she closed her eyes she saw Ryan standing there tell her he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her. She cried more tears than she knew she had. For the first time in perhaps her entire life, she felt lost.
Summer and Seth were very helpful. They offered her a place to stay for as long as she wanted, which she was grateful for. After Ryan left the apartment, she didn't feel like staying there. She couldn't. It held too many memories and if onlys.
Saturday morning she decided she needed to go see Dawn in Newport. Now that she and Ryan were broken up, she felt wrong having a key to Dawn's house. It wasn't like she was ever going to be part of Dawn's family. She needed her key back.
Summer tried to tell her to wait a few days, maybe even a week, but Marissa need something to do. She couldn't sit around Summer's house thinking of Ryan. She wouldn't let herself go there. She could be productive. Really. She could.
When she reached Dawn's house, she didn't immediately go inside. She couldn't bring herself to walk into the house and tell Dawn what had happened. With everything else going on, it might be too much for her. With or without Ryan, Dawn was important to her.
Finally, she got out of her car and walked to the front door. She let herself in with the key for the last time, the sadness overwhelming her. She'd miss Ryan more than anything, but she would miss Dawn too. She had always been the mother that Marissa didn't have. Julie Cooper was a lot of things, but nurturing wasn't really on that list. In her sober moments, Dawn had always supported Marissa. It was nice.
She found Dawn sitting on the couch, staring at a bottle of vodka. Marissa slightly gasped, her eyes widening. She never knew what to think when she walked into this house anymore, but she never expected to see this. "Dawn?"
Dawn lifted her red eyes to Marissa's. "Hey kiddo," she said, her voice weak and soft.
Marissa immediately sat next to the older woman, ruffling Tramp's fur. "What are you doing?"
Dawn gestured to the alcohol. "I bought it last night." She sighed, leaning back on the couch. "I brought it home and have been staring at it ever since."
"So you didn't…?"
"Drink it? No." Dawn sighed again, closing her eyes. "I thought about it. I thought about it really hard. I even move to drink it…" She opened her eyes now, turning to look at Marissa with tears. "But then I thought of Henry, and I knew he would be so disappointed if he saw me like this. Drinking again." She smiled sadly. "He always said he admired that I managed to stop."
"I do too," Marissa said softly, patting Dawn's knee.
"I think I can survive this." Dawn turned her gaze back to the alcohol. "I think I just needed to see for myself that I can survive a whole night even with it right there in front of me. And I can." She smiled despite the circumstances, and it made Marissa smile softly. "I really can. Maybe it's going to be hard. And a lot of the time I'm not going to want to even get out of bed. But I can do it. I know I can."
"I'm really glad," Marissa said, feeling sad once again at what she would have to tell Dawn.
"Where's Ryan? Is he working or something?" Dawn asked, noticing that Marissa was alone.
Marissa looked down at her hands. "Not exactly."
Dawn turned her whole body to Marissa, frowning. "What's going on?"
Marissa sighed, blinking back some tears. "Last night we broke up."
"You what?" Dawn asked, practically shrieking.
Marissa lifted her eyes to Dawn's. "We broke up. I confronted him about his distance. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore. So I took some stuff and am staying with Seth and Summer until I can find a new apartment."
Dawn leaned back, her head spinning. She knew Ryan was hurting, but she never thought he'd do something as stupid as this. "I can't believe he would do that," Dawn said, shaking her head. "He loves you so much."
Marissa let out a curt laugh. "Right."
"He does, though. I've seen it in his eyes." Dawn reached over, resting her hand on Marissa's shoulder. "He's desperately in love with you."
"Seems unlikely given the circumstances," Marissa said in response, looking down at her hands again. It still hurt. No matter what anyone told her, it would still hurt. The only person she'd ever thought of spending the rest of her life with wanted nothing to do with her anymore.
I don't want to wake up next to you every morning.
"He's just…confused," Dawn said carefully. And she did believe that. She knew her son. She knew he loved Marissa more than anything else in this world. She knew that hadn't changed. He just had to face some other stuff before he could see it again.
"Anyway. I came here to give you your key back." Marissa took the key off her keychain, handing it to Dawn with tears in her eyes. It hurt so much to have to do this. She was losing so much more than Ryan. She was losing her future. She was losing a mom. She was losing a life she had wanted since she was a little kid and all dreams seemed possible.
Dawn placed the key back in Marissa's hand, making her eyes shoot up. Dawn curled Marissa's fingers over the key, and stared at her straight in the eyes. "Keep it. It's yours."
"Dawn.." Marissa began to protest, but Dawn shook her head.
"Marissa, I've been telling you this for years – you're going to get married to Ryan. It's going to happen." At Marissa's sad, unhopeful eyes, Dawn could no longer keep her own emotion in. "And if something crazy happens and you two don't end up together, it doesn't matter. I've told you this for years, but obviously not enough – you are my daughter, and Ryan has nothing to do with that."
Marissa finally let the tears fall, and Dawn did the same. "Thank you," Marissa whispered, wrapping her arms around Dawn. And she let herself cry. Dawn did too. They cried for two different people, but for something very similar – lost love. They both knew it too well.
"He'll come around, kiddo," Dawn said, rubbing Marissa's back soothingly. "One of these days."
"I miss Henry too, you know," Marissa said, pulling back, knowing that Dawn's tears were for him. "We all do. Ryan, especially."
Dawn nodded. "I know." She wiped some tears, smiling through the sadness. "I know."
Marissa glanced towards the alcohol. "You know, it really sucks that you were an alcoholic." Dawn laughed at that, a real hearty laugh. "We totally could've just opened that and gotten drunk together."
Dawn laughed again. "Oh, honey. If I've learned anything, it's that alcohol makes your problems worse, not better." She wrapped an arm around Marissa, and Marissa rested her head on Dawn's shoulder. "Believe me."
The two turned on the television and watched old sitcom rerunds for most of the day. They had both lost someone they loved, Dawn more permanently, but for now they had each other. And that made things a little bit better.
XXXXX
Ryan woke up with a terrible headache, feeling sick. He groaned when he heard a loud pounding in his head. This day was not off to a great start. Why had he had so much to drink last night? Then he remembered. Marissa was gone. He glanced over in bed and saw her side empty. It hurt more than he cared to admit.
After a minute he realized the pounding wasn't coming from his head, but from the front door. Yawning, he climbed out of bed and stumbled to the front door, rubbing his eyes as he opened it. "Yeah?"
"Move out of the way, asshat," Summer said, pushing aside him and walking into the apartment.
"Nice to see you too," he mumbled sarcastically, watching Seth walk in with a shrug.
"We're here for the rest of Coop's stuff," Summer said, obviously on a mission. "Where is it?"
"Uh, everywhere," Ryan said, rubbing his eyes again as he shut the door. He yawned again, then realized what Summer had just said. "How's Marissa?"
"Like you care," Summer said, stopping to shoot an angry glare in his direction.
"I do care," Ryan protested.
"Have a hell of a way of showing it," Summer said before going into the bedroom.
Ryan shot a look Seth's way that said can you believe her? Seth shrugged, then awkwardly said, "I have to say I agree with her on this one, buddy."
Ryan looked down, surprised. Seth always sided with him. Just like Marissa mostly sided with him. "Oh."
"It's just… telling her that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with her? Wake up next to her?" Seth looked at Ryan seriously. "What happened?"
Ryan looked down at his bare feet, feeling awful. He knew he'd hurt Marissa. He knew this even as he did it. But he still didn't like it. Still, it was for the best. For both of them. She needed someone who didn't treat her this way. He could even see that.
"Everything," Ryan said, knowing Seth was referring to the lack of proposal. But he wouldn't feel bad about it. Not right now. "I'm going to the bathroom."
When Ryan was done brushing his teeth and attempting to revive himself, he found Summer in his bedroom looking through the dresser drawers. "You're really just helping yourself, aren't you?" he asked, trying to sound amused, but not even coming close to succeeding.
"Marissa gave me a list of things she wants me to take back," Summer merely said seriously. "And I'm trying to find them."
"Can I see the list?" Summer gestured to the bed, and Ryan saw a piece of paper with a few items written on it. Certain photos. Some of her students' work. Some books. "I'll help you."
"Least you could do," Summer bitterly remarked.
Ryan sighed, running his hand over his face tiredly. "Look, can we not do this right now?"
"When do you want to do this then, Atwood?" Summer asked, slamming the drawer shut and turning to him angrily. "What? Am I inconveniencing you? Making you feel bad? Good. You deserve so much worse."
Ryan narrowed his eyes. "Look…"
"No, you 'look'." She shoved him forcefully, surprising him. "You hurt my very best friend. You reduced her to a puddle of tears, and I will not sit here and play nice with you because what you did was wrong, and I'm not afraid to say it." She shook her head, disgusted. "You've done nothing but treat her like shit since Henry died. And I get it, you're hurting. But so was she. And so is your mom. And I don't see you doing anything for either of them, only for yourself." She took the list from him. "Now, the sooner I get these things, the sooner I can leave and you can go back to whatever pathetic life you've created for yourself."
Ryan shoved his hands into his pajama pockets. "I thought we were friends, Summer."
She looked at him, not blinking. "I thought you were in love with Marissa."
Ryan almost said he still was, but knew that wouldn't go over well. Instead, he merely looked down, too ashamed to hold her gaze. "I know where most of that stuff is. I'll get it for you."
XXXXX
After Seth and Summer were gone, Ryan observed his apartment. His apartment. It felt weird thinking it only belonged to him now. Even before they'd moved in, it had always been their apartment. He chose this apartment with Marissa in mind. Now, she was gone.
It was all his fault.
It seemed emptier now, even though she didn't take a lot of things. All the furniture remained with him. All of the dishes. Most of the movies, books, and CDs. She'd only taken her clothes, her work stuff, and some pictures. Yet, her absence seemed very real every single place he went. It wasn't right here without her. The apartment seemed wrong without Marissa.
He knew he'd brought this upon himself. He knew that he wanted this right now, and it was what he needed. But it didn't stop everything from hurting. He couldn't stop thinking about her. He'd gone from grieving Henry to grieving everything. Marissa was gone. No matter how many times he said it, it still hurt. He'd driven her away.
He sat down on the couch, staring out at the empty living room. Everything was in place. She'd taken nothing from this room – only really things from their bedroom – yet it felt different now. She wouldn't come inside and smile at him. He wouldn't walk through the front door and see her waiting for him. This room was forever just going to hold him in it, and that felt wrong. Everything felt wrong.
He closed his eyes, trying to make it all go away. All the emptiness was too much. The sadness was too much. He'd lost Henry, he'd lost Marissa, and he'd lost Summer. He'd never been close with only Summer, but she was still his friend. They hung out. They talked occasionally. She'd talk to him about Seth, and he'd talk to her about Summer. Yet, now that was all gone. Summer hated him, with good reason.
Memory after memory popped up. Marissa's laughter the first night they spent here alone as he insisted they make love in as many places as possible. Her eyes when he would catch her looking at him when they were doing something simple like eating or watching a movie. The way she arched her back whenever he started kissing down her neck. The feeling of her nails digging into his back as they got lost in passion.
They'd spent four years here together, and it felt wrong here without her. This was their apartment. It wasn't Ryan's apartment. Yet she was gone and he was left sitting here.
Sitting on the couch, one memory in particular came to mind, and wouldn't leave him. Weeks ago right before Seth and Summer got married, Ryan had thrown Seth a bachelor party. Marissa hadn't been thrilled with the idea.
"A strip club? Really?"
Ryan smiled, coming up beside her. "It's what Seth wants. He's the one getting married, remember? I'm supposed to make him happy?"
"And Summer is okay with this?" Marissa asked incredulously.
Ryan nodded. "It's not like she had much of a say after her bachelorette party." He gave her a look, and she blushed.
"Okay, that was more creepy than erotic," she said, referring to the male strippers Summer had begged Marissa to have.
"Well, I'm not too crazy about this, either, but I have to do it. It's for Seth." He rested his hands on her hips, leaning in close, his breath on her face. "Besides, you're the one I'm coming home to."
"Better believe it," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck and looking into his eyes. "Just…be careful, okay?"
He nodded, eyes soft. "Of course." He leaned in and kissed her softly, trying to ease her fears. She really had nothing to worry about. Strippers were strippers. He didn't really like strip clubs. Why watch a bunch of strangers take off their clothes when he could just make love to his girlfriend? His incredibly sexy girlfriend.
Hours later, he returned tiredly. "I'm home!" he called out, noting the light coming from the bedroom.
"I'll be out in just a minute!"
"Okay." He took off his jacket and hung it up, then went to the couch, sinking down on it tiredly.
"How was your strip club?"
He laughed. "Really, really long. I just wanted to come home." And he had. Maybe it was cheesy of him, but he missed Marissa when they were apart. He would have much rather been home instead of out watching Seth act like a fool.
"Well, now you are home."
"Yeah." He glanced in the direction of the bedroom. "What are you doing, anyway?"
She appeared in the doorway wearing a very tight fitting button down shirt, unbuttoned so her cleavage was showing. "Changing into something….slutty."
He raised his eyebrows, unable to keep the grin off his face as she sauntered over to him. "Oh really?"
She nodded, coming so she stood right in front of him. He let his eyes travel up her body, starting at her feet, looking up her long, tan legs up to her short skirt, then up to her shirt, which was tied around her stomach so that part of her stomach showed. Then, her cleavage, and finally her lustful, gleaming eyes. He shifted, feeling himself immediately react to her. "See, I was upset about the whole stripper situation. Sending my boyfriend off to see a bunch of busty girls take off their clothes? Not fun."
He swallowed hard as she leaned down to his ear, more of her cleavage showing. "Uh huh."
"So I thought – what can I do? And I decided that I would give you the show of your life and make sure you never need a stripper again."
With that, she slowly, sensually lifted her fingers to her tight blouse and unbuttoned a few more buttons, her lacy black bra showing. He swallowed hard as she came over and straddled him, her breasts right in front of his face.
He moved his hands to reach up and touch her, but she swatted them away. "You're not allowed to touch the stripper," she whispered seductively into his ear, causing him to groan.
She began to give him a rather amazing lap dance, and it took everything in him not to grab her and kiss her senseless. This was too much. She was driving him absolutely insane with her teasing.
Her shirt finally came off, and she stood, making sure to grind against him as she climbed off, causing both of them to lose their breaths. She bent over to pick up her discarded shirt, her skirt riding up enough that he could see she was wearing a thong. It only served to turn him on more.
She used her shirt as a scarf of sorts, wrapping it around his neck as she moved her body. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He could barely blink. He wanted to reach out and touch her so bad. She unzipped the side of her skirt, and it fell to the ground. His eyes widened a little, and he tried to swallow but couldn't. "Like what you see?"
He tried to speak, but he couldn't, so he merely nodded. She climbed back onto his lap, grinding against him once again so that he let out a soft groan. "Do you want to touch me?"
Managing to find his voice, he murmured, "Yes."
She smiled slyly, unbuttoning his shirt now as she continued to lightly grind against him. Her hands traveled dangerously low, lifting his wife beater and drawing circles against his bare stomach. He groaned again, and it was music to her ears. "Is this better than the strip club?"
He emphatically nodded and said, "God, yes."
She pulled his shirt off, and then his wife beater. "Kiss me."
He didn't need to be told twice. He kissed her hard, tongue in her mouth immediately, taking her by surprise. He ran his hands up her thighs to her bottom, cupping it in his hands, making her lose her breath now.
It didn't take long for the rest of their clothes to fall away, and Marissa positioned herself over him as he kissed down her neck to her breasts, making her moan very loudly…
Ryan awoke with a start, blinking quickly, breathless. He looked around the room and realized he had been dreaming, remembering the night of Seth's bachelor party. Marissa wasn't here, and they weren't about to make love.
He was alone.
He would always be alone from now on.
Blinking a few times and running his hand through his hair, he reached for the remote and turned the TV on. He didn't care what was on.
He just needed an end to this silence.
XXXXX
So, I know a lot of you want to see Marissa leave Ryan alone and for him to realize how wrong he was and how much he needs her. While we will see that happening in some ways, be warned that the following chapters are going to be filled with a lot of very bad decisions, none of which are particularly healthy for any of the people involved.
Grief does some pretty messed up stuff to you though. And you don't always handle it well.
That said, time for individual replies:
Sara: Ryan hasn't quite made that realization yet. All in due time he will see the stupidness of his decisions. But when he realizes this and is ready for Marissa again, will she still be there for him?
Jen: Some people love angst. You do not. This is why I write one shots in between lol. That way some people get angst, some get fluff. I shall get to work planning fluffy stories for you haha. Luckily my next stories are gonna have a lot of R/M good time.
Skillz37: You can definitely say it's going to be hard for Ryan, but the reasons leading to that are not yet clear.
Isabella: Totally understand being busy! Gosh, I'm so busy lately too. And with Thanksgiving coming up there's just so much to do. Summer definitely wants to knock some sense into Ryan too lol.
FlyingForward: Oh, it'll be an interesting path!
Obsessed Nikki: Uh, you obviously don't know me lol. I disliked Ryan and Taylor almost as much as I disliked Ryan and Sadie. I tend to forget that whole season happened.
Riss: Summer/Marissa will be in future chapters. As will more Dawn/Ryan and Dawn/Marissa. Dawn's conversation with Ryan about the breakup will be soon, and she will definitely not be sympathetic haha.
Sailaway: I can't stop writing them. I have too many future story ideas haha.
Kerschi-Puky: Yeah, I'd tell Marissa the same. But since this is fake, it's all good haha. You as the logical no-romance inclined reader will definitely probably find issue with how the characters will behave in future chapters.
Nadine: He will. It'll be a long journey though.
Guest: Here you go :)