"Oh my God what time is it? I fell asleep….." lurching forward and fishing around in the foot well for her phone with Calvin's arms still hugged around her waist Eve panicked, "… hey! hey Cal wake up we have to go home!"

"What?" it was the first three hours of interrupted sleep he had had in days and waking up to her he felt almost human again. "Where's the fire Bambi?"

"It's gone five and my Mom gets up at stupid o'clock on a morning is where the fire is….." sitting bolt upright beside him she switched on the maps function on her cell and squinted down at the screen in the dim light of nearly dawn, "… where even are we?"

"Heaven….." murmuring under his breath Calvin stroked long waves of hair down her bare back and lay across the backseat half asleep, his tall legs resting up against the window. "Come back here….." he smiled, pulling her back down and folding her into his bear like frame, "…. come snuggle."

"You don't want to snuggle Romeo…." she replied, as he kissed at her shoulder blades and ran broad hands across her stomach. He could tell from its concavity that she was holding her breath. She wanted him too.

"You know getting to wake up with you is not the worst thing in the world Evie G."

"I can tell, I'm getting that message….." she giggled, feeling more than his chest pressing against her as she twisted around and kissing him lovingly before whispering teasingly, "…. but you gotta take me home now."

"Sure, sure you get dressed and give me a minute….." lying back and closing his eyes Eve sat herself up right and reached for her now dried nightgown.

"What? Just like that?" she asked, a little surprised that he wasn't more persistent in his desire. "No argument?"

"I'm not gonna let Livia wake up and find you gone. It'll scare the crap out of her."

"Okay…." of course he wasn't, she smiled, turning to look down at him and handing him his jeans.

"I know where we are, don't worry. I can get you home in a half hour. They'll never know you left."

"I'm not worried…." she smiled, leaning down to kiss him gently. She felt safe with him. No matter where they were, lost or found, she knew he'd look after her.

"We gather here this afternoon to celebrate Vivian Arliss. Standing alongside her family we remember her life and to give thanks for the short time she had here with us on earth."

"This is bullshit."

"Calvin!" hissed Texas, turning to him in her black sundress and shooting him a horrified look.

"Well isn't it?" he asked, and she couldn't think of how to reply. As she stood on his left side Eve remained unfailingly at his right hand. Behind them Elliot, Olivia, Fin and Melinda shared uneasy glances and the celebrant watched them all as if debating whether or not to attempt to continue.

"Do you need a minute young man?"

"I just can't stand to be a fucking hypocrite."

"Cal, sweetheart…." ventured Olivia, stepping forward and touching lightly at his shoulder through the black collared shirt he wore untucked over stonewash jeans. His attempt to compromise. A part of his desperate efforts to reconcile himself to this strange reality.

"I can't just stand here and listen to him talk a load of crap….." and then, looking up with deference at the minister he added sheepishly, "… no offence, sir."

"Non taken."

"Viv Arliss doesn't need to be celebrated. She didn't do anything. She never had a proper job. She was a lesbian for five minutes until she got her girlfriend killed by her ex, who, by the way, happens to be my father. She spent every cent we ever had on junk and she lied. She lied and lied and lied until I'm pretty sure she had no fucking clue what was true and what wasn't anymore. She lived in a fantasy. She lived in a nightmare. It won't take us very long to remember her life and we'll all need to take a fucking shot afterwards."

"Son not now, not here….." said Fin, attempting to put the pin back in the grenade. He knew all the colours of anger and regret and how easily one led to the other on days like this.

"And I'm not fucking surprised she's dead either. She's been killing herself for years." Eve looked to her mother and father, but their eyes were on Calvin as he detonated. The sad, unalienable truth came in his next statement, "It was only a matter of time!"

"Okay, okay buddy let's just step off. Let's just take a walk and….."

"I can't feel what I'm supposed to feel! I can't!" as Elliot grabbed at him and attempted to physically walk him away from the graveside Calvin grabbed back. His strong grip wrapping around Elliot's upper arms: clinging. Holding strength where he no longer felt to have any. "She's my mother. She's my fucking mother and she's dead and I know that I'm supposed to feel all this shit about that but all I can feel is relieved!"

"Mom do something….." said Eve quietly, reaching for her mother's hand and tugging at it, "… we have to help him?"

"Calvin I know what that feels like."

"I hate myself for it, sir! It's sick. What kind of person feels that way? What kind of sick fucker is relieved that his Mom's dead."

"It's not sick Calvin its human. It's human. It's okay. You've fought for her your whole life. You've struggled trying to help her for years. It's not relief that she's dead you're feeling…." suddenly it felt to Calvin as though he and Elliot were the only two there, and hot, angry tears began to fall as it became very clear that he was understood in a way he had never hoped to be, "… it's relief that the battle's done. You can stop fighting now."

"She would never have stayed clean. I never told her. I lived the lie. I played along but it was horse shit. It was always going to end like this."

"There was nothing more you could've done. You did everything."

"No, no I…."

"Calvin look at me, listen to me….." as Olivia held Fin and Eve at bay she watched her husband awestruck as Elliot looked the devastated young boy square in the eye and spoke firmly, "… hear me, okay?"

"Sir."

"This is not your fault. Your mother was an addict before you were born. Her choices, her actions, her weaknesses and her demons were hers and hers alone. She loved you as best she could. It wasn't good enough but it was all she had. You gotta let it go. The fight is over. Leave it on the field. If you don't it'll eat you alive."

"I….." as Calvin lost speech Elliot stepped forward, stepped up, drawing him into his chest and embracing him in a choke hold hug as the teenager lost his grip. Burying her face in the older man's suit he broke down.

"I got you, kid. I got you. You're alright, you're okay…" feeling Olivia's hand at the small of his back as she stood behind them, clutching Eve tight he affirmed, "…we're all here Cal. We got you."

"You know I remember the first time I met Vivian sober."

"Not now Texas."

"Calvin I know I messed up."

"Messed up?" he asked, incredulous. Sat on a rock in a deserted portion of the cemetery lot Calvin rested his elbows on his knees and hunched forward. "Tex I don't wanna overstate things here but…."

"Because you're really known for your tendency to overplay a situation?" she smiled knowingly. "You're notoriously effusive?"

"You know I think I could probably get squared away with you screwing Johnny. I might not like the idea of it being his kid but in a sick way it makes her more like family than before."

"Cal…."

"But you fucking lied to me, Tex."

"I know."

"You had a million chances to tell me it was his but you didn't. You let me think it was just some faceless, nameless son of bitch. You let me agree to raise the thing."

"I was lonely, mijo."

"Seriously?" staggered, lost for words, unable to believe that that was all she had to say for herself Calvin just stared at her. "That's all you got? You were fucking lonely? Buy a damn dog Texas. Don't screw my cousin."

"You were gone! And I don't want to fight with you. I don't blame you. I just need you to try and understand where I was at the time and how…."

"Johnny's bed. That's where you were. Or the tub….." he wanted to hurt her, not badly, just a sting, just a flesh wound, just enough to make himself feel better, "… you used to really get your rocks off in the shower."

"It was just me and her Calvin. Day after day, night after night. I know you had to leave. I know you got all tangled up in Johnny's web and going to live with him was this big new life you were gonna have but what about me? You left me behind! It's not an excuse. It's no excuse. It doesn't change what I did or make it any less hurtful but I just want you to know that I was hurting too."

"Tex…."

"I hurt too, mijo."

"I know….." he nodded slowly, not oblivious to her pain. "I know you got stuff. I know you got shit going on."

"I'm in love with you Calvin."

"What?" he knew that too. He was aware. He was painfully so. It just felt all the more devastating to him when she sat there so beautiful, so vulnerable, her dark eyes longing.

"I know it was mostly just sex. I know that we were young and stupid. There was a lot of beer and a lot of pot and we spent more time in bed than we did in conversation. I'm not saying that we were good for each other. I'm not saying that we would've lasted. I'm a mess and that's not what you need in your life. I understand that. I accept it."

"You were a hot mess when I met you. You've always been a hot mess. That doesn't bother me. I never saw it. I just saw you."

"And I loved you for that Cal. Don't you see? You had my heart, my whole heart. You still do. I tried to swallow it. I tried to fake a smile when you met that pretty little cheerleader but it killed me. Seeing you with her, seeing how happy she makes you, seeing how alive you are around her is killing me. So one night I row with your Mom, get drunk out of my mind and then Johnny comes over looking for you and it was a mistake! I didn't plan it. I was just an accident and…."

"And accident?" he snapped hotly, "Did you slip?"

"He was nice to me."

"And that's all it takes? Someone's nice to you and you let them in….." widening his eyes and pronouncing the word exaggeratedly Calvin looked at her through shaggy bangs, "… literally?"

"Yes."

"Texas…."

"I'm not proud of it. I'm so ashamed of who I am most days I wish I could crawl out of my own skin. When I heard what he did to that girl I got physically sick."

"Don't be ashamed of who you are."

"If I wasn't pregnant by a rapist I'd probably have an easier time hearing that."

"The only people who know it's his aren't gonna tell. Elliot, Livia, Evie, Fin. They're on your side."

"They're on your side."

"Same thing."

"Yeah?" she swallowed, having wondered for a while whether they would ever be on the same side again.

"He doesn't get to know. She's your baby. She's your daughter not his and anyone who says or acts otherwise….." that darkness, that swirling black that came over his eyes both terrified and appeased her with equal measure, "… they can talk to me."

"I am so sorry Calvin. I am so truly sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I never meant to lie I was just afraid. I was terrified of losing you. I wouldn't know how to live if I lost you."

"You won't lose me. You're not gonna lose me…." he sighed, reaching across and slapping his hand down on her thigh, squeezing it gently, "… you're not gonna lose me you idiot."

"I couldn't bear it."

"Texas I was an ass to you the other day."

"I deserved it."

"No, no you didn't. I'm pissed as hell at you. We're not done with this. I don't trust you. It's gonna get time to get that back. We can't just pick up where we were. I can't just flick a switch."

"I get that."

"But that does not give me the right to talk to you like those pieces of shit guys you let treat you like you're nothing. You deserve better. From them and sure as hell from me. I apologise." Sitting quiet for a moment Calvin stared into the distance. She let the silence cling, let it heal. "You think she thought about us at all?"

"Probably not…." honesty was always all they'd had. No matter how sad and desperate their lives had become they'd managed to be brutally truthful about it. It was what made her betrayal all the more devastating. It was what, she accepted, was going to take an indefinite amount of time to get past. "Cal I honestly don't think that she thought at all. Your Mom was a lot of things but one of life's thinkers wasn't one of them. When she was clucking it wasn't her head that drove her it was the addiction. She just needed one more hit, just one more, just one last hit and then she'd kick for good."

"One last hit is right."

"Cal it was so awful. I came home and I just knew; even though everything was normal. There was fresh coffee brewed, the house smelled like cinnamon, the radio was playing an old Cash song. Even before I opened the bathroom door though I knew and I don't know how I knew but I did."

"I know how you knew….." said Calvin, his voice a gruff croak as he smiled, "…. it's 'cos you and me? We've been waiting for this since our whole lives, Boots."

"Calvin…"

"I hate her for that Tex. I fucking hate her for it. I hate that this was just how it was always going to be. That since I was four years old and I first found her passed out wasted on the couch I've known it was only a matter of time. That one day she wouldn't wake up no matter how hard I shook her. I think I realise now that I've been waiting my whole life to come home one day and find my Mom dead."

"Cal I know you're mad at me. I know that you're not ready to forgive me and that's okay. I understand that. I don't want or expect any different. I understand that it's going to take time to fix this but you are my best friend. You're my family and I love you…" tossing her purse down into the dirt Texas tore over the boundary line, turned away from her betrayal and his anger and put her arms around him, "… and if you'll let me be: I'm here."

"I love you too….." hugging her lightly he then pulled away, getting to his feet and shaking his head sadly, "… but I just can't. Not yet."

"Okay."

"I'll see you around Tex."

"You know where I am…." she nodded, holding herself just long enough for him to turn and walk away. Then, in quiet solitude, she sobbed. Not out of shame or guilt, though both of those burned unbearably. She wept for Vivian. For the fragile, complicated woman who had been swallowed whole by an addiction she had just not been strong enough to fight. A broken soul who had been the closest she had ever come to a mother. Her tears were grief, her heart was shattered and looking around the deserted cemetery she realised she was, once more, completely alone.

"He still hasn't text back. He won't return my calls."

"Give him time, babe….." said Olivia quietly, as she sat with her feet in Elliot's lap leafing through a home and garden magazine.

"I don't even know where he is. I know he's drunk though I could tell that earlier. He's probably in some bar somewhere."

"Mouse this is the first and last time that I'm going to say this and if you quote me I'll deny it….." said Elliot as Olivia beckoned their daughter over to join them, "… but what if we turn a blind eye just this once? What if we say that this is the one night Calvin gets to have a few beers?"

"Do you think he's okay?"

"Baby I don't think Cal is going to be completely okay for a while….." answered Olivia honestly, sitting upright and then bringing Eve down into her lap, "… here, come here, come sit with your Momma."

"He just needs some time Mouse. Just give him some time and some space and he'll figure it all out. He's made of wrought iron that kid. He'll come through this."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what, baby?" asked Olivia, cradling Eve and rocking her gently back and forth, "What in the world could you possibly have to be sorry for, sweet girl?"

"I just feel like I never say thank you to either of you, for any of it. I've just been thinking about it all day. I've been such a brat."

"Oh Evie…."

"It's not just the big stuff. Not just the birthdays and vacations that were so awesome but the stupid little things. The way you just always showed up. Every single time. Even if we just helped paint the scenery. Even when I broke my arm and I wasn't even cheering you both came to regionals because it was still my team. Dad you never missed one single football game even if Sammy wasn't playing. Mom you make really awesome lasagne."

"Mouse we're your parents. Showing up? Making lasagne? That's what we do."

"And you're the best parents in the whole world…" reaching for Elliot's hand she gripped it tightly in her own and buried her face in Olivia's chest, "… and I love you more than anything."

"Sweetie these past few weeks have been so hard on you. Seeing what Calvin is going through? Helping him deal with all the stuff that's been going on? It's all been really grown up and intense and…."

"But I can come home."

"I…."

"If I screw up or make a mess of things or I'm upset or scared and everything is just as bad as it can get I just always know I can come home and you guys will help me fix it. He doesn't have that. He doesn't have anyone. I can't even imagine what that's like."

"And I'm glad you can't Evie….." said Elliot, clearly his throat as his voice threatened to break and looking his daughter in the eye, "… because it means your Mom and I are doing our job right."

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Beer."

"Have you been sat out here all night?" asked Olivia in the early sun of the following morning. Removing her sun glasses and wandering across the parking lot in blue jeans and a white linen long sleeved shirt she asked, "Why didn't you call me hours ago?"

"Didn't wanna wake you."

"Am I going to catch something if I sit on this step?" asked Olivia, narrowing her eyes and examining the concrete beside Calvin. She was getting old she thought to herself; such a thought wouldn't have crossed her mind twenty years ago. Slumped against the trader's door of a decidedly seedy looking nightclub somewhere in the ass end of Queens the teenager looked like what she knew rock bottom to feel like. "Do we think you've broken anything?"

"No…." came the gruff reply as Calvin adjusted his sitting position, wincing and clutching at his ribs as he did so. His face was wan, a little yellowed, and around right eye was a nasty looking purple bruising. His shirt was torn. His left cheek and right hand were dirty and grazed with pieces of gravel lodged in them.

"Would you be able to tell yet even if you had?" calm, quiet, poised despite her internal horror at the situation Olivia was a consummate professional. Though he had called a friend she was more than capable of being a cop in attendance. Had it been Sam or Evie she would've required peeling from the ceiling but with Calvin it was different. His resilience was dumfounding. Her approach was different. She could level with him and trust he could handle it. "Cal don't BS me: just beer? Hand on heart?"

"Whiskey."

"But…."

"I buried my mom yesterday do you really think I'm dumb enough to do drugs?" and then, with that heart break smile Calvin rolled his eyes with a choked snort. "Don't answer that."

"You want to tell me what happened here last night?"

"I got wasted."

"Evidently."

"I don't remember much else….." tilting her head with concern Olivia drew her lips to a lopsided smile of profound fondness as he made her laugh despite his tragic situation, "…. but I seem to have gotten my ass kicked."

"I can see that."

"I did what I could but I'm pretty sure there were at least three of them. I must've done something to piss them off."

"Three on one? And at no point did you think that it might be an opportune moment to call any one of the three cops you happen to have on speed dial? No? That one didn't register?"

"It was the middle of the night."

"Calvin, sweetheart, what you seem to be failing to grasp here is that I really don't give a crap what time it was. You call? I show up. Well I mean I might've sent Elliot but….." leaning sideways she bumped her shoulder against his and sighed, "… but my point is that you don't have to wait till I've had my morning coffee to call in a crisis."

"I would've driven myself but…."

"Your breath is still 80 proof?" she offered, arching a brow. "Yeah, yeah you shouldn't go near any naked flames for a while."

"I didn't know where to go."

"Sweetheart?" she asked, seeing all the humour, all the bleak wit and pretence fall away as he hid tears behind curtains of unkempt hair.

"It's just all shit, Livia."

"I know, I know it is…." she nodded slowly, reaching to his forearm and stroking at it gently with her fingertips.

"Texas lied to me. I trusted her. I trusted her when I knew better than to trust anyone. I can't stand that her baby's Johnny's. I'm trying to be okay with it. I'm trying so hard for her I am but I can't fucking stand it."

"Calvin you and I both know, maybe better than anyone, that we are not our parents. How we're conceived doesn't determine who we are. That's up to us."

"I really want to hate her."

"Texas?" but they weren't just talking about her. Vivian was there too, behind his bloodshot eyes of bitter betrayal. All the women in his life who had failed him. She wished so desperately she didn't consider herself one of them.

"She was still my mom."

"And she loved you, sweetheart. She loved you very, very much. She might not have known how to show it. I know it's hard. I know how thin the line is between love and hate. Nothing anyone can say will take that feeling you have right now away. All that hurt, betrayal, frustration, disappointment that she wasn't even close to being all the things you needed her to be. You feel guilty because you know on her good days she tried her best. That doesn't make it enough. That doesn't mean you have to pretend that it was enough. I know you feel like somehow it's all your fault. Like if you'd done something different, done everything different she would've found it easier. You wonder if you'd just been good enough she'd have….."

"Livia?" he asked, as her sentence trailed off into the distance and she stared lost in thought across the empty parking lot. She had reopened old wounds for him and he knew it. It only made him love her more.

"Sorry, sorry I got a little…."

"No I'm sorry….." said Calvin quietly, unable to tears from her any better than he could Eve or Texas. Reaching out an arm he set it lightly around her shoulders. "I shouldn't have called. You don't belong in this crap hole you need to….."

"Calvin shut up."

"What?" unable to tell, just for a split second, whether she was angry or not his pale eyes shot up to hers.

"You should have called sooner and no, no I shouldn't be in this crap hole but neither should you. So how about we both get the hell out of here? You need to get checked out by a doctor. We'll go by the ER on the way home."

"No, no I'm fine. Seriously. I don't need a doctor. …." and then confessing the true cause of his reluctance he swallowed, "… and I can't go back there. Not yet."

"You're going to the ER even if I have to cuff you to get you there and I wasn't talking about your place. I happen to know that my husband is making waffles when he gets back from his run and I plan to arrive right on time."

"It's not for nothing Livia. I swear to you. All this that you're doing for me? It means everything. It does. I know last night was bad and I can't promise I won't ever mess up again but I swear to you, I swear to God….." locking her loving brown eyes tight he vowed, "… the people I care about are not gonna be relieved when I die. I'm gonna make sure of it."

"Oh sweetie!" she gasped, horrified at even the notion.

"I'm trying."

"I know you are."

"I don't wanna let any of you down."

"Come on, come on get up. There is a pretty little girl at home who didn't sleep a wink last night worrying about you. Let's get you checked over and go eat waffles with her."

"You won't tell her? Please?"

"She has eyes, sweetheart. You're a little Fight Club right now."

"Just please don't tell her you found me here like this?"

"I won't lie to her Cal…" smiled Olivia, helping him clamber up off the curb and walking him carefully to her car, "…. but maybe we can come up with something."