Chapter 38: Time ticks fast

I found myself pacing back and forth trying to find a way out of this. To get everything back on track. How was I going to fix this, could I fix it? I put my hands up on my head, "oh man what was I thinking." I realized that I was now talking to myself. I had screwed this completely out of proportion. There had to be a way to sort this all out and put things back they way that they were supposed to.

Carter thankfully was still at work. It gave me time to try and straighten this all out. Okay, well at least try to formulate a plan. I was still pacing, back and forth as nothing was coming in regards as to how to fix this. Since I had been the one to mess this all up I was going to have to be the one to fix it. Robert appeared as if he was going to be of absolutely no help. But did I really expect the once arrogant surgeon to be able to honestly get me out of this jam.

There was one thing that I knew for certain right now and that was if I wanted to accomplish this impossible mission I knew I had to put an end to anything that might resemble a romantic relationship. There was no way that I could have a relationship with John on any other level than friends it had to stop there. Honestly, I had to ask myself, did I really want a relationship with anyone right now? The answer to that had to be no, I definitely didn't want that. It was right about now that I wished that I had someone that I could talk to about all of this with other than my… I wasn't even sure what Robert was and that wasn't high on my list of things to figure out. I needed someone to talk to but there was, once again no one. This seemed as if it was something that I was left up to my own devices.

Okay, I kept pacing, I knew I needed to look at this objectively. Not that I was going to be able to do that with as worked up as I had managed to get myself. Oh I was definitely worked up about it too; this was not where I had intended this to go. It was a mistake, but you never said that to anyone, that just didn't seem like the right thing to say to him. Maybe though if I did approach it like that he would understand. I could always turn it into something that was completely my fault. That I had led him on unintentionally. Would he buy that line from me of all people, well he was going to have to. That was what I was going to do. I didn't know how long that it would take for Robert to come up with anything and I had my doubts that it would be anything different than what I had come up with.

I was going to wear a hole in the carpet at this rate. The only conclusion that I could come up with was that I had to be definitely nuts. Maybe I really had gone insane after all I had just had a conversation with a person who was dead. And it was the only reason that I could come up with. I needed to find my own place to live; my own apartment. That was a large part of it that I was living in to close of contact with a man that was irresistible. Cater might have seen something in me, but like all my other relationships it was doomed to fail. Getting out of my current living situation would help alleviate some of the stress, tension, and what else might have been pulling Carter and I in the wrong direction. Even I had to admit even if only to myself, that it was the wrong direction.

I grabbed my coat I needed to get out of the house for a few minutes, definitely outside where I could clear my mind and think on all of this for a little while, maybe the answer would come to me if I could find a way to calm down and think.

I started to walk down the street my mind wandering as I wandered. I had no set destination just a mission to clear my mind and find the answer to my dilemma. I wanted to put most of the blame on Max. If he hadn't slept with that woman that I wouldn't have been in a position to have been tempted to do what I had done. Shifting the blame was an easier answer than taking responsibility for my own actions.

"Hey Anna, wait up would you?"

I heard the voice behind me and I turned around to see who it might be, almost completely lost in my own thoughts, who the voice belonged to didn't register in my head. All I knew was that it was someone who was attempting to keep me from thinking about what I needed to be thinking about. I brought my eyes up, "Max."

"Do you have a few minutes to talk?" I heard him ask.

I wasn't sure about answering that. I knew that I couldn't avoid him forever even if I wanted to. This world wasn't big enough to never seem him again. I didn't slow my stride now. "Not really." I found myself wishing that he would just go away.

"Anna, I'd really like to talk to you, please I really need too."

Well he was persistent, I had to give him at least that much. He might have, right now been nothing more than a complete ass in my eyes but it was just my luck to have fallen for a stubborn ass that wouldn't just give up and go away. "Yeah I suppose you would like that right now."

From the sound of his quickening footsteps I knew that he was catching up with me now. "I can understand the coldness Anna, but you can't ignore me forever."

"I'm sure that you can." I said not looking at him. I don't want to look at him. "I'm not avoiding you; I just have a lot to do between my shifts."

"Come on Anna." I still don't look at him. "You have every right to be mad at me but I am only asking for five minutes."

"You are right there once again. You bet I have every right to be mad and I can tell you that I am going to be mad at you for a long time."

"Give me a chance to explain things to you."

"Oh no, I think, no I know that I saw everything explained quite clearly Max. There is nothing that you can say that is going to change my mind about where we stand. That was just wrong and you know it." I keep my voice soft, an eerie air of calmness about it. That even I wasn't sure where the calmness was coming from, but then I didn't want to cause a scene in public. Getting upset, angry, yelling would just cause attention and I didn't want that.

"I wish that you'd let me explain this to you. You owe me that much Anna."

I stopped freezing in my tracks, owe him? I didn't owe him, not after everything that he had done. Stay calm Anna, I told myself. "No Max, I don't owe you anything. You did this not me. I have been nothing but faithful to you, never once did I even thought about doing that to you. I don't owe you anything Max, not now, not ever."

"I forgave you."

"You forgave me, you forgave me for what?" I didn't mean to yell but I did. I was getting upset. "You forgave me for what? What did I do that was even close to this?"

"Upping and walking away when things got tough. You walked away when things got tough and you didn't give me a choice or a chance then either."

Control your temper Anna. This can't get ugly, I shouldn't let him jerk my chain or find some way to guilt me into anything. My temper was about to flare up and out of control. Somehow I was going to have to keep things in check, but him comparing what he did to what I had done just wasn't right. It was so far from the same thing that it wasn't even funny. "What I did and what you did are not even close, no where near the same thing, I might have left when things got tough but that was a completely different reason. You never came home and found me half naked on the couch with anyone."

"So then you are going to tell me that the entire time we were apart there was no one else?" He asked me, "that you didn't see anyone else?"

I rolled my eyes and started walking again. I couldn't believe where this conversation was going, "go to hell Max." I find myself saying. "I don't know how you could even think that, when I would have ever given you a reason to think that? You don't know me if you can even think that."

"All the more reason to talk to me."

"You can just forget it." I started walking faster. "Go away I don't want to talk to you."

"What do you want from me Anna? We can't just ignore this; we can't pretend that it didn't happen."

I stopped again spinning around to look at him, "I want you to leave me alone. That's all I want from you. You can have the house, you can have everything that I didn't take with me, its all yours. All I want is my life back and I can get that back without your help. That's what I want from you."

Chills went up my spine when I felt his hand touch my arm. "Anna we have to talk, you have to talk to me."

I jerked away from his hold. "No go away Max, just go away and don't come near me again."

"Christ Anna, you can have the house, anything that you want. I'm not staying there anymore. I only agreed to buy the damn thing because you wanted to stay in Chicago." I hear him say but my attention was more focused on the fact that he still had his hand on my arm.

"You know what." I tried to yank away again, "whatever you say, just go away and don't try and contact me. Go back to your blonde, little younger toy and give her, the same lines that you seemed fit to give to me because I am not doing it anymore. I'm done with it Max."

"If that's what you want Anna, then I'm going to respect your wishes, I never meant to hurt you like that."

"You know what I find that rather hard to believe." I say now as I start to walk away from him, I'm walking backwards now with my hands in the air out of frustration as if to say don't mess with me, "but you know what you're not going to be able to hurt me again. That's the one thing that I can be certain about in all of this, that you can't hurt me."

I spin around so that my back is to him leaving him standing there as I continue on my way. That was one confrontation that I could have done with out today. I had, had a bad enough day I really didn't need him putting even more on top of what I had.