CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT
It happened almost in slow motion, her mind struggling to process the scene that was in front of her; one minute she was calmly sitting next to Benji, listening to him enthusiastically raving about the special features of his lightsaber, absentmindedly watching Jesse and Luke from afar, and the next, she had sprung up to her feet, her eyes wide, feeling sick. If someone had told her a week ago that Jesse, the biggest dork she knew, would get into a fight with Luke, she would have brushed it off, laughed, told them that Jesse knew better than to do something that stupid, but Jesus Christ, somehow she was watching it happen right now.
"Oh my god, oh my god," Benji stammered out from beside her, clearly going into shock, his limited edition lightsaber slipping ungracefully out of his fingertips, scraping roughly on the floor without him even noticing, "Oh my god, Beca, did he just, did Jesse just—"
"—Benji, stop talking," she cut in smoothly, squeezing her eyes shut, digging her nails into her palms in an attempt to force herself to remain calm because one of them needed to keep a level head throughout this and clearly, that person was going to have to be her. She wasn't even sure exactly why she was feeling so nauseous all of a sudden, considering that she had been in her fair share of fights when she was younger, but the fact that it was Jesse, and the fact that she had been the one that had let him talk to Luke when it was obviously a conversation that was not going to end well, made her feel more uncomfortable than she had been in a while. "Benji, I need you to go over and make sure that Jesse is okay," she said quickly, locking eyes with the other boy, making sure that she had his full attention before she continued, "I'll deal with Luke."
Benji blinked, his face deathly pale, giving her a weird look as he answered, his voice thankfully a little steadier than it had been a couple of seconds ago. "Are you sure?" he asked slowly, "You can go take care of Jesse, I'm, um, I can get rid of Luke? I can try, anyway—"
She shook her head firmly, waiting for him to nod in acceptance before quickly walking away, her feet speeding up as she saw Luke straighten, his hand still curled into a fist, clearly ready to aim another punch.
"Luke, don't even think about it," she called out, the other boy jolting in surprise at the sound of her voice, turning to face her, a look of guilt in his eyes. "I swear to god, if you hit him one more time, you're never going to hear from me again."
Luke eyed her for a second, his gaze piercing, and she forced herself to stare defiantly back until he slowly lowered his fists, crossing his arms, walking a few steps forward, towards her.
"Don't look at me like that, Beca," he said, with a shrug, looking weirdly calm given that he had just been in a fist fight, and it suddenly occurred to her that maybe, just maybe, this was what he had wanted to happen when he had asked to talk to Jesse. "It's not my fault, he punched me first. I was just...defending myself."
"You provoked him," she retorted, knowing that Jesse wouldn't have acted so recklessly for no reason, biting her lip as Luke simply shrugged again, not saying a word. She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut, wishing that she could just escape from the disaster that was this evening, wishing that all of this could just end. "I don't understand what you want from me," she said, frustration creeping into her voice, "If you want my help, why the hell would you punch Jesse? I mean, he's my—he's Jesse."
Luke raised an eyebrow, the hint of a smirk starting to creep onto his face at her almost slip-up, and she pointedly ignored it, waiting for him to reply. "You're not going to help me if Jesse's in the picture," Luke said matter-of-factly after a moment's silence, and she stared at him, blinking, not entirely sure what to make of that statement because whatever she had been expecting him to say, that was far from it. "And besides, I was just looking out for him, telling him the truth."
"Telling him the truth about what?"
Luke shrugged again, his arms still crossed, looking annoyingly calm, his tone remaining almost conversational. "The truth about you," he clarified, and she took a step forward, narrowing her eyes, her fists instantly clenching together. "You know, how his anger's misplaced because sure, I've made some mistakes and done some things I'm not proud of, but compared to what your dad did to you—"
"—Shut the fuck up," she interrupted through gritted teeth, stepping forward again, feeling a surge of anger flood through her as all the memories that she had so desperately tried to forget resurfaced. "You have absolutely no right to bring that up, especially in front of Jesse."
"But it's true, isn't it?" Luke replied lightly with another shrug, eyeing her with renewed interest, as if he had just realised the significant effect his words were having, and it occurred to her that maybe he really didn't know, considering that she had only ever hinted at what had happened in her past and had never told him all the little details. She exhaled, biting her lip hard, trying to keep her emotions under control before she punched him in the face too, and after a moment's silence from both of them, Luke tilted his head to the side, his face bearing an almost sympathetic, hesitant smile. "Look, Beca, I'm not trying to cause any trouble, I swear," he said, and she scoffed loudly, shaking her head at him, "I just—I really do need your help."
She laughed hollowly, shaking her head again. "Do you honestly think I'm going to help you after everything you've done to me?" she asked, wondering if he really was that delusional, that oblivious to all the trouble he had caused, "because I can tell you right now that you're wasting your time. I'm not helping you."
"Do you really mean that?" Luke asked, staring directly into her eyes, his gaze so piercing that she couldn't look away, and she forced herself to return his stare, keeping her breathing and emotions under control.
"Yeah, I do."
Luke frowned, a fleeting look of desperation passing across his face, and Beca just closed her eyes, taking a step backwards from him, biting her lip, her mind reeling from the events of the evening, wishing that there was some way for her to be free of it all. She continued to stand there, motionless, speechless, even after she heard the sound of retreating footsteps, not opening her eyes until she felt a hesitant hand on her shoulder, accompanied by an equally hesitant voice.
"Beca, um, are you okay?"
She turned, taking a deep breath, rearranging her features into something neutral as she nodded, still struggling to push thoughts of her dad and Luke out of her head. "Yeah, Benji, I'm absolutely fine," she said, lying through her teeth, "Let's just go home."
Although Jesse knew from the moment that his fist made contact with Luke's face that he had screwed up, it wasn't until Benji led Beca back to where he was waiting that he realised that he'd really screwed up, maybe even to the point of no return. Beca hadn't said a word to him on their walk back home, hadn't even glanced in his direction, instead staying weirdly quiet, her mind clearly somewhere else, and he wasn't sure what to do, how to fix this. He had meant to talk to Luke calmly, try and figure out exactly what he was up to, but instead, he had made everything worse and he felt awful about it.
"Hey, Benji, it's getting late," Beca said quietly as they reached the door of his apartment, turning to face the boy in question, and Jesse glanced at her in surprise, his heart sinking as he noticed the way her fists were clenched subtly by her sides, clearly trying to keep herself together, despite her face and tone of voice giving absolutely nothing away. "Go home, okay? I'll…handle this."
Benji blinked a couple of times, his eyes flickering between the two of them, his expression unsure, but as Beca repeated her words, her voice carefully controlled, Benji eventually nodded, reluctantly biding them goodnight and walking away. Beca didn't say another word after that, just pushing the door to his apartment open and seating herself down on his sofa, her eyes glazing over slightly as she slipped into her thoughts again. Jesse exhaled slowly, quickly heading towards the kitchen and grabbing himself some ice for his jaw before leaning against the doorway, eyeing Beca worriedly. He had seen Beca go through a vast range of emotions over the past few months but he had never seen her like this, so silent, so closed off, and it unnerved him.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, wincing visibly at the pain that flared up as he moved his mouth, but knowing that he needed to get through his apology all the same. "Beca, I'm so, so sorry for tonight. Luke, he...he said all this stuff about you and I just couldn't—"
"—Stop, Jesse," she said, quickly cutting him off, and he felt a spark of hope rise in him as she finally turned to face him, meeting his gaze, but it quickly vanished as she started speaking. "You shouldn't have punched him, okay? I didn't ask you to."
"I know," he replied seriously, slowly walking forward and sitting himself beside her, his eyes never leaving her face. "I know I shouldn't have punched him, I know it was stupid, and trust me, it's not going to happen again."
Beca shook her head, letting out a soft laugh which was so devoid of happiness, emotion, that he bit the inside of his cheeks, wanting nothing more than to reach out and wrap his arms around her, but he forced himself to stay still, figuring that she wouldn't react too well to that right now.
"I did trust you," Beca said eventually, averting her gaze, and his heart sank, not liking her use of the past tense at all. "I trusted you when you said you knew what you were doing tonight."
Jesse exhaled, readjusting his icepack, his brain beginning to piece together a retort but before he could try and speak again, Beca shook her head, holding a hand out to stop him. "Look, I don't—I don't need your help, Jesse," she said, and he blinked, recoiling slightly, unable to stop the hurt from flashing across his face at her words but knowing that he probably deserved them. Beca bit her lip, guilt clear in her eyes as she hastily amended her previous sentence, reaching forward and pulling on his shirt, her eyes shifting to the icepack in his hand. "I don't need your help if it's going to end up like this."
Jesse sighed softly, feeling increasingly helpless at how things were going, not sure what to say or what to do to make things right; how could he have been so stupid and let Luke get under his skin like that? After everything he knew about the guy, he should have known to ignore all the comments he was making and to focus on keeping his own emotions in check.
"Bec, hey, look at me," he murmured, as Beca didn't say anything more, simply averting her gaze from his and staring into her lap, clearly still trying to process everything that had happened tonight. He gently reached out, tilting her chin up so that he could see her properly as he received no answer, wincing inwardly at her almost vacant look. "Do you want me to take you home?"
Beca met his gaze, seeing the concern in his eyes, and though she knew just how easy it would be to say yes, go home, run away from everything, she was so tired of this, so tired of being affected by Luke and her dad, and she didn't want to be that person anymore; no, she wasn't that person anymore. She took a deep breath, shaking her head, staying exactly where she was, giving him a small smile as relief flashed across Jesse's face and he slid his free arm around her shoulders, pulling her towards him.
"I'm not mad at you, not really," she said slowly, after a moment's silence, leaning more heavily into his side as she closed her eyes, letting out a barely audible sigh. "I mean, yeah, you shouldn't have punched Luke but I know why you did it," she continued, feeling Jesse's grip tighten around her, "and besides, it's partly my fault too; I shouldn't have let you talk to Luke tonight, that was never my plan—"
"I don't think you had a choice," Jesse cut in smoothly, his words coming out a little funny, his jaw pleasantly numb from the ice, "I'm kind of…stubborn when I want to be."
She smiled at that, keeping her eyes closed, nodding once, falling silent again. They stayed like that for a minute or so, just sitting there, until she felt Jesse shift beneath her, tilting his head back so that he could see her properly, a hesitant look on his face.
"Beca, can I ask you something?" he asked carefully, and she nodded, cracking her eyes open slightly, ready to make some quip about him trying to revive that game of his to lighten the atmosphere, but as she saw just how serious he was, she closed her mouth, gesturing for him to continue. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to, it's just that Luke said something today about your dad and—" he trailed off, looking at her closely, trying to gauge her reaction, but she just stared right back, waiting for him to ask the question even though she knew exactly what it was going to be. "What happened between you two?"
She exhaled, biting her lip, meeting his gaze, seeing just how much he wanted to understand, how much he cared, and she settled against his side again, sliding her eyes shut, beginning to tell him everything – how her dad walked out of her life when she was ten, how he had promised her that he'd call and stay in touch but then didn't, how he reappeared in her life years later and forced her to go to college against her will – and she was surprised to find that by the end of it, the words were flowing easily out of her mouth, Jesse listening intently to every single one.
"I know everyone always says that college is the best time of your life but for me, it really wasn't," she said, glancing up at him, and Jesse nodded slowly, his forehead furrowed in concentration. "I didn't want to be there at all, especially because it meant having to see my dad again and listening to him trying to make amends, and then I met Luke and…you know," she paused, taking a breath, clearing her head. "If I hadn't met Chloe, I don't know what I would have done."
Jesse shifted, pulling her closer, pressing his mouth briefly against her hair. "Luke's wrong about you," he said softly, and Beca blinked, twisting in his grip, knowing that Luke had mentioned her dad to him but not quite sure exactly what he was referring to. Jesse shook his head as she raised an eyebrow at him expectantly, clearly not wanting to repeat whatever Luke had said, and she bit her lip, nodded, leaning against him again. "I'm glad that you told me, Bec," he said, seconds later, his voice completely sincere.
"Yeah, me too," she replied, surprised by just how much she meant it.
The next day, she arrived to work as usual, heading straight towards her desk, immediately beginning to blast music through her headphones as she tried her best to finish off her editing for Bumper whilst simultaneously ignoring Amy's ridiculous attempts to get her attention. The only problem was, though she could block Amy out without any severe consequences, she certainly couldn't give Aubrey the same treatment and as she felt a tap on her shoulder, she hastily removed her headphones as she saw the blonde standing there, arms crossed, looking distinctly displeased.
"Beca, can I have a word? Right now?"
Beca slowly rose to her feet, following Aubrey towards her office, silently seating herself down once they were inside. Aubrey didn't say anything at first, simply continuing to give her a disapproving look and Beca shifted in her seat uncomfortably, not entirely sure what she was here for but knowing that she most likely wasn't going to like it.
"So, Beca, do you want to explain to me why I've had Luke on the phone telling me that your boyfriend punched him in the face?" Aubrey eventually asked, eyeing her with disdain, and Beca blinked in surprise, partly because for some stupid reason, she thought Luke would back off after she had made it clear to him that she wasn't going to help him, and partly because she had never heard anyone refer to Jesse as her boyfriend before and the label didn't scare her as much as she thought it would. "Beca?"
"It's…complicated," she replied slowly, staring down into her lap, not sure where to even begin, or whether Aubrey would even hear her out if she tried to explain, seeing as she clearly disliked her.
"Beca, what's going on?" Aubrey asked exasperatedly, tapping her fingers against the desk impatiently, almost agitatedly, clearly frustrated by her answer. "I don't get it, I thought you two were supposed to be old friends—"
"—We're not," she interrupted quickly, shaking her head, slowly lifting her head so that she could meet Aubrey's eyes, wordlessly praying that she'd believe her. Aubrey simply stared right back at her, her eyebrows rising, clearly waiting for her to explain, and she sighed, leaning back against her chair, closing her eyes, knowing that unless she wanted to risk putting her job in danger, she needed to speak up and tell her side of the story.
"Look, Luke and I, we've not got a great history," she started, keeping her eyes shut as she continued, briefly running through the events of their shared past, and she realised that she no longer felt hurt over what Luke had done but instead just frustrated and fed up by everything he had put her through. Aubrey listened silently to what she had to say, her forehead furrowing, and by the time she had reached the end, quickly describing what had happened between Luke and Jesse last night, the girl was wearing a distinctly guilty expression.
"I'm sorry," she said stiffly, looking more uncomfortable than she had ever seen her, and Beca gave her a small smile, shaking her head, knowing that those two words were hard for her to admit, "I should have listened to you from the beginning but look, I'll make a few calls, see if I can find out what he's doing as a manager now—"
"—You don't have to do that, it's okay," she said, shaking her head again, "I mean, I know you don't really like me and—"
"I like you, Beca," Aubrey interrupted smoothly, looking a little taken aback by her accusation, and Beca raised her eyebrows in disbelief, recalling the countless of times that Aubrey had called her into her office to shout at her over things that weren't entirely her fault. "Yes, maybe I'm harder on you than I am on most of the people here but it's not because I don't like you," she paused, taking a deep breath, eyeing her calculatingly before continuing. "Beca, you have heaps of potential, there's no denying that, but if you want to make it in this business, if you really want to be successful, your attitude's not going to cut it."
Beca blinked, narrowing her eyes, immediately opening her mouth to retort but before she could get any words out, Aubrey shook her head, holding a hand up to stop her from speaking. "You know, after hearing your work on Bumper's tracks, I actually thought of giving you some more real assignments of your own," she said, and Beca glanced at her in surprise, "but you're late every day, you talk back to me, and I just don't see why I should give them to you over someone who's been consistently turning up on time and working hard."
Beca bit her lip, shifting on the spot, knowing that as much as she hated to admit it, Aubrey had a point. She loved her job, she loved working with music, but at the same time, she knew she rarely made it in on time and had clashed with Aubrey on more occasions than was strictly necessary.
"I guess neither one of us is perfect," Aubrey said slowly after a moment of deep consideration, her eyes unblinking as she stared at her. "I should have listened to you when you tried to tell me about Luke and I should have paired you up with someone else, so...I'll make you a deal; I'll look into Luke and I'll reconsider giving you some more responsibility, but you have to promise me that from this point onwards, you'll be committed to your job and to this studio. Does that sound fair?"
She raised her head, nodding determinedly, feeling a unfamiliar surge of gratitude towards the girl in front of her.