Chapter 37

A/N: I stated from the beginning that I don't feel comfortable writing about psychological matters, because I lack any formal education on the subject. I have already been called out on errors, therefore, for the rest of the story I will move ahead much more quickly and only glance over Penny and Leonard's mental problems. Also up to this point the story has only covered less than two weeks, from now on it will begin to accelerate in respect to time and what is happening to Penny and Leonard.

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Dr. Caroline Miller felt that she had lived this day before, when it came around time for Penny to have her second session of therapy, on that Friday. She was greeted by the same scene before her, of concerned parents, that had the same depressed daughter, who's expression showed that she obviously didn't want to be there, while she sat on her couch that day. The only difference today was that Carol was not going to sit and let next twenty minutes pass with Penny not participating, like what happened in their first meeting, today she was going to make Penny talk to her from the start of their session.

"Penny, what have you been doing the last couple of days?" Carol began.

"Nothing." Penny again falling into responding with one word answers, like the first time they met.

"Nothing? You don't eat, wash yourself or do anything for yourself? That is not good maybe we should institutionalize you to make sure you get taken care of properly." Carol shot back, almost confrontational, she wanted to shock Penny into talking, shake her out of her disinterested mind set she had put herself in, because that was getting them nowhere.

Penny looked directly at Carol, her eyes full of surprise and fear. "NO."

"No, what?" Carol pushed.

"I eat, wash and get dressed by myself. My mom makes food. I don't need to go anywhere, I want to stay at home." Penny now explained, with a desperate determination in her voice.

Carol looked at her, "Hmm, I don't know."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Penny now responded almost in tears.

Now, in a very soft voice, Carol responded, "Penny I'm not doing anything to you, everything that happens to you now is because of your own actions. If you keep acting like you can't care for yourself, people are going to take care of you, for your own good, whether you like it or not."

Penny nervously looked at her doctor, the thought of being taken from her home, terrified her. "I don't want to leave home." she pleaded.

Carol nodded, she didn't really like scaring the young woman, but she needed for her to respond, however now she though enough was an enough, so Carol started to reassure her patient. "Penny, I know you don't want to leave home, and your parents and I don't want to see you leave home unless you want to. We just want to protect you from other people who don't know you like we do, who may think you need to be taken care of, understand."

Penny was still upset but nodded, "Yes."

Carol smiled at her, then reached over and picked up a pad she had previously positioned near her chair, it was now time to spring her plan. "Penny, you need to write down every day what you do, so those other people can see that you are taking care of yourself. Writing down what you do each day creates a record that you are taking care of yourself and prevents the other people from lying that you are not."

Penny nodded and took the pad, staring at it for a couple moments before looking back at Carol with confusion in her eyes. Carol had expected that and so she got up and went to her door to invite Susan in again so she explain to both of them what she wanted Penny to do with the pad. Carol knew it was just human nature to review what one wrote down one day and then compare it to the next days information, so she told Penny she didn't have to turn in anything for two weeks. This would give Penny time to review what she did each day, in her own mind, and let her decide if it was enough or she needed to do better. People tend to be a harder judge of themselves, so it would be better if Penny pushed herself instead of Carol doing the pushing and Carol figured she had a 50/50 chance with Penny using the pad to record her progress.

When Penny and her parents left that day, Carol was pleased with herself, she had Penny doing something for herself now and she didn't have to mention 'Leonard' at all during the session. The pad, if it worked with Penny, would also allow Carol, in the future, to show Penny how dependent she had become and in turn would let her understand that her dependency on 'Leonard' was not love but actually her inability to help herself and needing him to do things for her. This would help her become normal again, to learn to not depend so desperately on people like she was now, it would give her back her confidence and that would put her on the path to recovery.

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The rest of the week Gloria came by Leonard's office every day, usually around lunch or slightly after, she would then make Leonard have lunch with her, getting him to talk some during their meal. In between those times, she had also talked to Howard and Raj, Leonard's friends, and told them she would like it if they gave her more time with Leonard alone, and it was then she had learned that Leonard seemed to be avoiding all his friends. So it didn't take her long to learn that Leonard had been working long hours every day at Cal Tech, his roommate's complaints about how Leonard had been neglecting his duties to him, by not bringing him home anymore after work, very evident when she talked to him, making it all very clear to her that something was very wrong.

Therefore by Friday, it wasn't hard for Gloria to piece together what she thought may be going on with Leonard and that made her even more saddened at about what was happening to her friend. Gloria had read many of Dr. Beverly Hofstadter's books and had seen some of her taped lectures, they had made her curious about the woman and how relevant her theories really were. However talking to Leonard over the years about his mother, made Gloria really understand Beverly Hofstadter and she was now convinced the woman had no idea or any business treating humans, to the point that her even interacting with other people made Gloria feel was nothing but actually poisonous.

Beverly's interactions with Leonard had been especially bad, not only encouraging him and then forcing him to work hard as a child, but brainwashing him to think that achievement was all that mattered in his life. She had basically conditioned Leonard, like an animal, to believe that when anything went bad in his life, he had to work harder to correct it. Of course the work she conditioned him to pursue was academic work instead of working directly on the problem that was hurting him, so now as a result, a very hurt Leonard was doing what years of conditioning had imprinted on his brain. Leonard was withdrawing into his work, trying hard to be better that before, not addressing the problem he was having but instead actually pursuing a distraction from it, solving nothing.

Gloria realized that if she wanted to help her friend, she would have to de-condition him, or at least turn his need to work, not on academics but towards solving the problem that had him upset in the first place. She had never had to do that with a person before, and it scared her that if she failed she may loose her friend, so she spent that weekend on her computer, researching all the papers on similar patients and studying the symptoms to make sure she was right. Gloria was so determined to help Leonard, that she even emailed fellow professors at other universities, telling them about her patient 'X' and asking them about their experience on any other similar cases, hoping something would help.

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As each succeeding day passed, to her parents, Penny seemed to get a little better, there was no more outbursts of uncontrolled crying, however they still did catch her a couple times with tears running on her cheeks. What they didn't see were that most of the nights she would cover herself with her bed covers and silently cry in loneliness, loneliness for Leonard. She missed being held by him, the way he made her feel safe was desperately still desired by her, her still feeling that besides her family he was the only one who really cared for her. She remembered thinking, when with him, how Leonard's hugs were like her mothers, but now, being at home without him, she could tell the difference, Leonard's hugs were better and being separated from his arms was upsetting to her. So like the nights before, she cried herself to sleep the only thing her wanting was just to be held, as she slept, by Leonard.

However, there were also other changes that were going on in Penny's mind, during these days that passed, because the environment she now lived in was a safe one, the one she knew from since she was a child. It was an environment where she was surrounded by her family, wanted and loved, and this alone was starting to help her mind get to a better place, like Gloria had predicted. Carol was also having success with her, slowly bringing her out, helped by the fact that she began to interact with her family more and more each day as she settled into her old life and home. Penny, of course, would have been moving ahead to recovery at full speed if it wasn't for one thing that was dragging her down, Leonard, the thoughts of him wouldn't leave and her wanting him always stayed with her. Even though she didn't openly cry anymore over Leonard, the ache in her heart still remained, and yearn to be held and be with him still never left her. If Gloria had been able to spend more time with Penny and Leonard or Carol would have know more of Penny before she began treating her, they may have noticed a spark had formed between the two strangers, a spark that neither of them had ever had for anyone else.

However that never happened, so about two weeks after Penny was given the list on her daily activities to fill out, Carol and Penny met for another session. Carol had been getting more out of Penny with each session, so seeing the second week of the list, it was almost impossible for Carol not to smile. "I see you have been helping with the chores around the farm, this last week."

Penny nodded, she still wasn't even close to her bubbly self before California had happened to her, but now at least she talked to Gloria, "I feed the animals."

Again Carol tried not to smile, Penny now answered with explanations to her questions, not one word answers, she was getting better, though still had a long way to go. "That is good Penny, you know that don't you?"

Penny shrugged, "I just like feeding them."

Carol could see Penny devaluating herself again, it was one of many things they would have to work on, "Is there a particular animal you like?"

Penny looked at Carol, she had never considered one animal over the others, but now that Carol asked, only one animal jumped to her mind. "Buttercup."

Carol was surprised how strong Penny's response was, like there was no question in her mind, it was a good sign. "What kind of animal is 'Buttercup'?"

"A horse."

Again Penny answered without hesitation, which surprised Carol, she had been use to Penny hesitating in all her responses so this change was refreshing. "You like horses."

Penny just nodded, then looked down at her hands.

Carol knew Penny was thinking, and then it dawned on her, when she had asked Penny which was her favorite animal, she didn't give her an animal type but an animal by name, that meant the animal was special. "Does your farm have a lot of horses?"

Penny nodded, "There are eight horses. My mother gives lessons during the warmer months on them."

Carol now thought she knew something, so she asked her next question, "Why is 'Buttercup' your favorite, don't you like the other horses."

Penny nodded, "I like the horses, it is just….." during the hesitation Penny took a breath, before responding softly, "it is just 'Buttercup' is my horse."

Carol could tell Penny was on the verge of tears, it was actually good, this meant that Penny was expanding the world she had imprisoned herself in, it was more evidence she was getting better, however Carol did not want to make her cry now, so it was time to change the subject. "This is really good Penny, you are helping around the farm, taking care of yourself and helping others, that shows you are trying."

Penny looked at Carol, "So people will not take me away to take care of me." she asked in desperation.

Carol suddenly reconsidered how she proposed the whole list idea to Penny, the young woman was really bothered about the idea of being taken away and Carol now knew that it had been a bad idea to put the list to her that way, she didn't need to stress this young woman any more than necessary. "No Penny, this list says you can take care of yourself, with a list like this they won't take you to take care of you."

Penny nodded, feeling much more relaxed suddenly, so much so a small sigh left her lips.

Carol could see her patient visibly relax, it made her feel mad at herself that she stressed her in that way, it was obvious Penny was more upset about the idea than Carol thought she would have been, it had been a mistake Carol had made. But Penny being so upset did give Carol an idea to help her patient move outside her world even more. "Penny this list and bigger lists in the future, will make everyone know you are getting well and can take care of yourself. They will protect you from people saying you can't take care of yourself and will give you your life back. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Penny again nodded, "I will need to keep a list for a while, won't I."

It was more of a statement than a question, which was good, so Carol just nodded, "I can't make you do something you don't want to do, but I think you are beginning to understand what is good for you, aren't you?"

Penny nodded, she knew she would be making a list for a while, it was a way to keep control of her life and she didn't want that control to be taken away. She didn't have any idea that her wanting to control that aspect of her life was a huge improvement in her mental condition, she was ever so slowly moving away from dependency and back to self control. She also didn't know that this was making her think about other things beside obsessing about Leonard, she didn't realize that the more she would think about her life and began to live it again, Leonard would be pushed further and further back in her mind.

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While Carol was having success with Penny, Gloria was losing with Leonard, her friend was too good at compartmentalizing his emotions and responses that Gloria found she was not getting through to him. Beverly's years of conditioning was just too much for Gloria to crack through to help Leonard, she just didn't have enough time before he fully enclosed himself into a world of work and even more work, like he had been trained to do. In a span of a short two weeks, Leonard had fell into a routine that Gloria could not change, he worked all day, Gloria finding herself having trouble just trying to make sure he ate much less trying to help him psychologically. She got so desperate she even went to his boss, trying to convince the man that Leonard was being driven by despair, and not ambition, only to be politely listened to, then dismissed.

Therefore, Gloria did the best she could, she couldn't force him to take treatment, no one would support her if she tried, because Leonard to the world looked more like a workaholic than a emotional basket case, thanks to Beverly. So she resigned herself to make sure he ate and slept, and mentally didn't go off the deep end, straining her own life a little with the time she spent on that task, but also making her relationship with her husband stronger too, because he knew Leonard and cared about his well being too, their friends grief bringing them both closer together in wanting to help. There was also something else happening with Gloria dealing with Leonard, Gloria was gaining more insight into the human mind, because she had to get herself into her friend's mind if she was to help him. The only problem was that she was dealing with a mind that was convinced that only working harder would make things right, it was a condition she had never experienced before, but she was determined to help without a second thought because this was her friend Leonard and she would do anything to support him.

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A/N: I also want to add, I will be using a lot of the events in the show, especially for Leonard's life, but they will be compressed, meaning an event that happened in season 6 could happen now three years earlier, so don't be surprised. This story is already so OOC for Penny, a few event accelerations shouldn't be too ruining to the story being told.