Ana's POV
When I started to write today I tried to recall the sharpest memories. I realized I'd like to write about that delicious strawberry white chocolate cake I made on Independence Day. Strange, how out of all the memories I have from that time, I still wanted to pick one sweet and colourful cake. Maybe I wanted it as it's so different from the normal days I was living in. Maybe I just needed to remind myself, that even if there were hours and hours of tears and fear, there were those tiny things that actually made my life worth struggling for.
But then again – it's my diary! And it's up to me, what moments do I valuate strongly enough to think. These memories changed my way of moving. If it was a time plan, then it would contain way too many hours of weeping. But it's not! So, I don't need to write each tear down separately. I already know and I've already written down the topics, my mind was busy dealing with, on that time. So, if I like, I can write about one strawberry cake as long as I want!
I just want to see some light! Back then it was almost obsession. I didn't see most of the smiles, people sent to me, but those that came through and were recognized by my brain, were so dear to my heart and I tried to keep them in front of my eyes as long as humanly possible.
But then again! At the beginning of July I had a trip to Seattle. It was my time to give my statement and tell in police about what happened. I remember my fear before going! It was my first trip away from home. It was first time in that summer, that I had to survive without my dad around or in few minutes driving distance.
I braced myself before sitting into my car. Have I already mentioned, that my precious Wanda had had a makeover as well? Well, she had. If I didn't knew better, I would have thought that my car had a brand new engine. Of course I knew that Ray would never have such money, especially after buying a laptop and a phone. Well, now I know, that Wanda indeed had ne engine, but back then I was simply glad that whatever they did with it in garage, they did it perfectly.
So, I went to Seattle in my own old friend and for a first time in years I didn't have any hesitations whether it will get me there without any troubles or not. Kate agreed to come into police, when I'd finish and that was another assurance I needed in order to start moving. I didn't have to wonder alone in unknown city for too long.
I went in, introduced myself in front desk and they asked me to wait a moment.
"Good afternoon, miss Steele!" detective Clark greeted me after few minutes.
"Hi!" I answered as short as possible. I don't know, whether it was his face and memories that were connected with him or simply understanding that now is the time, when I had to start talking in details and in timely order.
He directed me into one room. He introduced one female detective and a psychiatrist before we started. I can't remember any names. Yes, Clark told but I was way too nervous to remember such details, so female officer and a psych it is.
"I don't know where to start," I mumbled. "I really don't know if I'm willing to give you details about the events that went on in the hell."
"By hell do you mean what exactly?" psychiatrist asked. What the matter with these guys? Whenever you say some stronger words, they are intrigued. When you say something boring and regular, they would find it interesting.
"Time period after I went missing and before being bought," I whispered.
"Miss Steele…" detective Clark started and I stopped him.
"Anastasia, please!" If they wanted me to speak freely, I needed to be called by first name. Miss Steele sounded like trouble.
"Anastasia, as I told you in hospital, we don't need you to testify, if you don't feel up to it. We are keen to listen everything, but at this moment we can start with events that went on, when mr. Grey took you into his apartment."
"Okay, I think, I can do that." And I did. We spent almost four hours talking. At the beginning everything was fine, but after some time they started to ask directed questions. It went more and more in the way, if Christian abused me, if he did it earlier, if he guided me into hard shit… I defended myself, I defended him and at one point I just jumped up and yelled:
"If you are so keen to execute him, why the hell do you ask my opinion then?"
"Please, Anastasia!" their psych gave me a small smile. "You can't deny, that you were in less than simple situation. We just want to be sure how much your own mind is obstructing the truth."
"So you indicate on Stockholm or something like that?"
"Not necessarily. Emotions can go on way wider range and any too strong emotion may or may not change your reliability."
"Thank you!" I said drily. "You can always ask my therapist's opinion about my mental health and other than that I hope we have it down clear and final: he didn't indicate anything. It was me, who clued herself on him. Gosh! I sound like a real slut, but it was how it was. After one major fuck up, it was mutual agreement to go physical. And, by the way, I really want to know more, why we even were in such a position? Could you explain me that?"
Detective Clark opened his mouth, but I wasn't finished:
"And if there will be any prosecution over Christian, then I will be here and I will testify. Because what I felt few minutes ago, you are prejudice. Now you can give me your answer, mr. Clark."
I was tired, but I noticed how their psych smirked.
"Glad to see, I was amusing," I muttered under my nose.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything offensive," psych apologized.
I was confused, when I finally managed to calm myself. Yes, I was ready to protect him in court, but I wasn't ready to see him face to face. I had this constant fear that if I saw him, there was the possibility that he was only another abuser and all that pretty bubble would blow up. I knew he wasn't, but I was afraid he was… Well, that sounds a pit schizophrenic!
"Anastasia!" Clark started with some reluctance. "We had two good officers under cover inside. The day you were bought out was the one, when both our people went missing. I can't give you details yet, but long story short: one of them was found dead and the other one was put into similar position as you were few weeks earlier."
I shivered, thinking about his words. As long as I was able to see other women anonymously, it was fine. But now I knew at least one's partial past and it went way more personal.
"She, just like you are, is still alive and recovering." Psych stated. Well, she probably was in better state than I was. Sitting there, in police station, I thought about the ways they were able to prepare their agents. Obviously there was no way to prepare for this shit, but they at least knew what they were dealing with. Or was it better? To live in constant fear that any mistake you or anyone else who knew made, was leading you into inevitable death or torture.
Finally I got to go! So first thing I called Kate asking her to show up, but she was already there.
"It's past five!" she stated. Of course I came here as soon as I finished my work and still I started to scare that you found some other way to disappear."
"Sorry, Kate! But it really took way longer than I thought."
"Cool down, Steele! And let's go! I want to show you my perfect mate," she grinned.
I nodded and gave her my car keys. In less than twenty minutes we parked in front of her building.
"Well, this is Elliot's apartment. It's where I live, but the apartment I own is about fifteen minutes by foot. So, if you ever decide to come into this down, we will be living close. Even if I have to move!"
"Wow! You really are serious in this guy?"
"I told you. But get yourself out of the car. I can't wait to show him to you. You, Steele, are the one, whose approval I still want to hear."
I shook my head in disbelief. What the hell did I know about men? I only had had feelings toward one guy and even there I didn't know whether I should love him or hate him or just forget anything dealing with him.
"Elliot!" Kate yelled at the door. "We are back!"
"It's about time!" we heard a voice and then, with the sound of dozen elephants, one blond haired giant showed up.
"You must be the mysterious Ana?" he asked with the warmest smile there's possible. But instead of a handshake, he pulled me into hug. For a moment I started to panic but fortunately his smile was warm enough and I was able to relax again. I still have some difficulties with people who want to come too close, but back then it was mostly totally out of any control.
"Please, let me go," I whispered.
"I'm sorry!" Elliot's face went off so quickly as if he had really hurt me.
"Don't be!" I had an urge to console him. "You see? I'm alive and I even didn't panic." I gave hin a small smile.
"He's definitely not to be scared of," Kate stated. "You are not afraid of me, so he's harmless.
"So, you must be even more mysterious Elliot, who found a way to ground Kate." I tried to ease his mood once more and this time it worked.
"Yep, that's me!"
It took maybe an hour to get comfortable around Kate's boyfriend. He really wasn't anything like any other guy Kate had dated. I kind of understood how he could ground her.
"I would cook you a dinner," Kate told. "But then I thought that you would probably need your health tomorrow as well. So, Chinese?"
"Thank you, Kate!" I laughed. "I appreciate your concern and Chinese sounds good. And as you know I won't go back tomorrow, so I can cook then. You, my dear friend can choose whatever you want."
When we were deep in our food, Elliot's phone rang.
"Hi, bro!" I heard him. "No, Kate have a visitor and we are at home… Don't be absurd, Christian! Of course you may come… Quite opposite, you may even like her… Okay, you know better… So, you prefer to come tomorrow?... That's okay as well…" And he hang up.
"Weird," he mumbled.
"What?" Kate asked him.
"Christian! Fuck, he's in such a low. But I will play the matchmaker!" he ended with playful determination.
I didn't pay too much attention, but soon after, when we were sitting in the living room and enjoyed wine, our conversation went back to the hard topics.
"I shouldn't tell you this, but my brother helped police in that case," Elliot stated with pride. "But then again, if you are adopted out of the hell and go through another, you may get better chances to have what it takes to become a hero."
And then it clicked. His brother was named Christian, I didn't know Elliot's last name and if that Christian was adopted, then he didn't have to look like his parents or brother in this case.
"Elliot," I stared reluctantly. "What's your last name?"
"Grey. What's the big deal?"
I probably looked ashen and that was cue to Kate, who was right up and ran to her room.
"I'm gonna kill him! I'm going to fucking kill your brother, Elliot and you won't stop me."
"Kate!" I tried to call her, but it was a whisper instead of cry.
"What a fuck?" Elliot was still confused.
I stood up, walked few steps and tried again: "Kate!" She was putting her jacket on and started changing her shoes.
"Elliot Grey, can't you see it! Fuck, I can't understand, how I didn't see it sooner. Ana's story is a perfect match to Christian's and that means it was your brother, who beat my best friend into deep bruises. So consider your brother dead as soon as I can reach him. And I don't care how good security he has!"
I stood up, walked few steps and tried again: "Kate!" She was putting her jacket on and started changing her shoes. Tears fell on my cheeks and I repeated her name in small voice. I wasn't safe anymore. I loved Kate, but her shouting was too intense for me. I was afraid of my own best friend at that moment. No, that's not correct! I wasn't scared of her. I wasn't scared of Elliot. I was terrified of shouting and anger that radiated in there.
I sat on floor, cradled my knees, hid my head into hands and started to rock my sitting body. I still tried to call her name and suddenly she stopped.
"Oh shit!" I heard Kate's voice filled with pain. She must had dropped everything and sat next to me. Very carefully she put hand over my shoulders and I winced anyway.
"Ana, I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"Don't yell," I managed to push out of me.
"Okay," she agreed in soft voice.
"And I'm not even sure if he did anything wrong at all."
"Tell me, Ana!" Kate encouraged me to talk. "Help me to understand. You know I love you and all I can see right now looks pretty bad."
"If I knew," I sighed. "If I only knew." I stopped for a moment, not knowing what I should tell that would be true and not forced in any way." I defended him today so fiercely," I sighed. "But the truth is, I don't know how could I react if I saw him. One part of me thinks that he's good and caring and that part knows that he gave me opportunity to leave, which I didn't take, because I was so obsessed by the thought of bringing the gang down. But, Kate, you are right, he did hurt me. I don't know whether he did it knowingly or not. I don't know how much or if even one was needed. I only asked him to bring us out alive and he did that."
"May I sit on the floor as well?" Elliot asked. "Or is it reserved for girls only?"
I looked up and tried to smile. I knew I failed miserably, so I patted on the floor.
"Thanks!" he answered. He put our wineglasses on the floor and sat to the other side of me. I watched my wineglass longingly but I didn't want to change my position. It was good to sit between two people who cared about me, but it felt even safer, when I hugged my knees at the same time.
"So it wouldn't be wise if he'd come here tomorrow?" Elliot asked after some time.
"I don't know how I'd react. But it's your home and he's your brother, so you shouldn't let me stop you. I can stay in my room if needed."
"Nah! Don't be ridiculous!" Elliot countered. "You are the guest of this week and I've heard a world about your lasagna."
I remember how Kate scolded him and Elliot mentioned how we all needed to eat sometimes. After their picking the mood turned lighter and we watched one stupid movie together. I asked Elliot about his parents and he told me some stories about his family. I missed Grace, but she was Christian's family, so I didn't vocalize it. I missed Gail as well. And Taylor. And Christian. One day, I promised myself, I was going to ask his side of our story. Well, of course in case I had the opportunity. He was one of the world rulers and he had a small army of security. And he had all those thousands of women, who all wanted his life, love and money.
It was past midnight when I finally went to my room, but I still couldn't sleep. I had that fight every night on summer. Just like a little kid, I didn't wasn't to fall into sleep, because it meant bad dreams. I lay on bed and listened some silence. Well, the silence left the building pretty fast and I was compounded with the voice of their lovemaking. And I was lonely! I was so freaking lonely that my heart wanted to break. I wanted to hope that on some day in distant future I would find someone to love and not to scare. But I didn't believe in it on that night. I couldn't believe. I turned and tossed around my bed. I hugged myself closer and more than ever I felt that something was missing. Well, someone was missing, if I'm perfectly honest.
In the morning I asked Kate, if she wanted to come with me to get everything I needed for that lasagna. I didn't want to tell her that I was too afraid for shopping alone, but in order to get some of my cooking Kate didn't ask anything. She simply came with me and was eager to help finding the best tomatoes and good cheese.
We were on our way back, when I suddenly stopped in front of the toy store. At first I didn't understand what caught my attention, but then I saw hm. It was the perfect grey bear, slightly smaller than the one I had in Christian's apartment but just as handsome. So I simply had to have it! And I still have Chris in the living room. Right now they are both guarding that space with mr. Bear but back then I leant on Chris as I had leant on the other bear few weeks earlier.
Chris was cute! Even Kate fell in love into my toy.
"You know Kate, if I'll feel better some day and if I decide to move to Seattle, You can hug my bear almost every other day. I don't think I would allow you to hug him more often, because I can be really jealous, but every other day will be fine."
"In that case I just need to hug him one more time before you take him to Montesano with you. By the way, what's his name?"
"Well," I mumbled. "He doesn't have too solid name yet. But I have some names in mind."
I went back home on Sunday, but not before I had promised once more to call whenever I needed and to answer my phone every time. I also promised to plan my next visit so I could find some time to cook something, preferably from chocolate, Elliot added.