It seemed to take an almost superhuman amount of effort, but eventually she did begin to speak.
"Riley was quarterback in my high school football team, your typical handsome high school jock. His family moved over from Kentucky the year before and he caused quite a buzz, immediately joining up with all the popular kids. Our paths would never have even crossed apart from the fact that we were in the same singing club together."
Sam raised an eyebrow. "You sing? How did I not know that?"
She shrugged. "Why would you know? He was there because he was injured and couldn't play for a while and me – well I was the very first person to sign up when they started the club. So yeah, you could say I love to sing."
It surprised him and he filed that morsel of information away for future use. No way was he going to distract her from her line of thought right now! He needed to know just why the hell his daughter had been named after some high school jock!
But as he watched her he could see her whole demeanor continuing to change. Gone were the smiles from their stupid conversation. She shuffled in her position, bringing her knees up to her chest and avoiding his eyes. Somehow he knew that this wasn't going to be easy for her.
"Anyway, I always thought he was cute, all the girls did, but that's as far as it went. We barely spoke. There was no need unless we were in music club. It's not like we hung out in the same circles or anything. He even went out with a classic looking blond skinny cheerleader friend of mine for a bit but that didn't last long. Girls like me weren't on his radar. I was always just the fat black girl in the loud clothes who sang the big notes whenever we were in a competition. But then one day it accidentally came out that both his parents had lost his jobs and now he was homeless and I felt terrible. The whole class had ganged up on him for being spotted with two different students at a seedy motel. We all automatically assumed he was up to something dodgy. We had no idea that he was actually living there and they were helping him out.
I should have stuck up for him but I didn't. The fact that I didn't know the truth was irrelevant. I shouldn't have assumed. It made me equally as guilty as the others. Now you know why I held back on going postal on Puck before I heard his side of the story, mad as I was at the time. It was something Riley had taught me to do. I never want to be guilty of making a mistake like that ever again.
So the next day went to the motel to apologize in person and found him in a state of panic. He'd taken a job delivering pizzas and was supposed to be leaving for his shift but his mom had an interview and wasn't back yet. He had a little brother and sister who were too young to be left in the room alone and the neighbor they usually stayed with was out. I immediately offered to stay with them but he wasn't sure. It was a big trust to leave them with someone they'd only met once and who his parents had never met at all. But finally he was so scared of losing his job and the income that he let me do it.
"I had fun with the kids that afternoon and when his mom came back she cried because she was so thankful that I'd helped. She said Riley's friends were amazing and I felt bad because not only did I not really count myself as a friend, I'd been part of those who were judging. I knew there wasn't a whole lot I could do for his family financially but I gave her my number and said anytime they needed a sitter I would be happy to do it for free because the kids were so cute and that was my way of helping out.
"Somehow, through spending time with the kids I found myself spending more and more time with Riley too. Despite being a jock he turned out to be a geek like me and we used to laugh a lot about stupid things. He told me he could never truly be himself when he was with the popular kids because deep down he was worried they might mock the real him, but when he was with me it was different. We had lots in common like being massive Avengers and Doctor Who fans and he would start to find excuses to hang out with me and the kids if he wasn't working or came home early from practice. When it came to prom he wasn't going to go because he had no money and of course I didn't have a date so I wasn't going to go either. We'd set the entire day aside for a Star Wars marathon. But one of the girls from singing club came up with the amazing idea of a 'prom on a budget' triple date and miraculously with the help of the local Goodwill the three of us managed to pull it off.
That night the three of us unexpectedly got split into two sets of two when her ex decided to join us at the last second but it was fine because Riley and I were having our own good time. So good, in fact, that he walked me home and that was the night I got my first kiss. I couldn't believe it. Riley was this majorly popular guy and I was this fat nobody. Even though I liked the kiss I was embarrassed and didn't know why he would do something like that. So I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks because… because I thought maybe it was a cruel setup."
Sam felt for the young woman sat on the other side of the couch, working through her memory sadly. Her first kiss should have been full of excitement not doubt. He nearly commented to that effect but he saw that she wasn't done with the story and so far it wasn't enough to explain where the name had come from. He watched her intently as she continued to speak, happy to see her opening up to him.
"Riley tried everything to force me to talk to him about what had happened with the kiss but I managed to evade him until one time he got me to the motel on the pretense of babysitting and trapped me in there until I was forced to listen to him. He told me that the last weeks had been torture for him. He missed me and he missed our friendship. He'd kissed me because he'd wanted to for a while and felt that the moment was right and I might return his feelings. When he saw that the kiss upset me he thought that he'd ruined our friendship and that I hated him. None of it was further from the truth. I was avoiding him because I liked him, more than as a friend, and didn't want to get hurt. He thought that I wouldn't want him because he was poor and a geek. I thought he wouldn't want me because I wasn't thin or classically pretty.
We were both wrong about each other. So we sat in the middle of the floor of that motel room, took each other's hands, and we talked. Really talked. We spoke about anything and everything but most importantly we spoke about how felt about each other. Everyone looked at Riley and just saw a dumb blond jock. But he was more than that. He was quietly observant and understood people. We could talk for hours and actually have deep meaningful conversations. I tried hard to convince him that we would never work. He tried hard to convince me that we would. He won, and suddenly from that moment I went from being alone with a secret crush to having a boyfriend. My first real life boyfriend. And a gorgeous one to boot. He wanted to tell the world about us but I was scared of the reaction. As a compromise he said we could stay a secret for the summer but when school started up again he wanted to show me off and didn't care what others said.
That summer with Riley was bliss. There was no money for lavish dates so most of the time was spent just chilling together at the lake with the kids. But it was perfect. And every time I doubted myself and what was happening, he would force me to look into his amazing green eyes and I knew how he really felt. He couldn't hide his emotions from his eyes. Whenever I looked at them I could see that he adored me. That he genuinely wanted me. It was a feeling I got lost in.
Riley was my everything. My first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first… well you get the picture. Those long summer weeks were perfection. It felt like I was in a dream but then I would look into his eyes and see something in them. He saw me. He thought I was beautiful. And those weren't just empty words. He actually desired and wanted me. Me! Boring old Mercedes Jones! Somehow this beautiful boy had decided that the fat sassy girl who he could talk to for hours about total nonsense with was his soul mate. And I felt it too. We were only sixteen but I loved him with all my heart and it was just us with nobody else to interfere. I didn't even tell my mom and he didn't tell his parents. We were going to announce it together just before school restarted. But as far as I was concerned that particular hell could be postponed as long as possible."
Mercedes wasn't crying but her eyes were glazed. She was lost in the past and now sat silent. Sam worried about distracting her if he spoke or touched her but he needed her to finish her story. He needed to know how his child had ended up with this boy's name. It was making him feel all sorts of ways! In the end he had to speak up. "So what happened?"
She looked down and started to play with her hands. "His dad found a job. At first I was excited and couldn't understand why he wasn't. Then he told me that the job was with his old firm back in Kentucky and the whole family was going to have to relocate. Those two weeks before he left were the hardest ever. We tried to spend as much time together as we could but things kept getting in the way. On the final night we both snuck out to the lake one last time and slept on a blanket under the stars wrapped in each other's arms. We cried, and made love and promised we'd do everything we could to stay in touch and make things work long distance until we could be together again.
Mom caught me sneaking back in the next morning and grounded me for a month. I didn't care. She had no way of knowing I didn't want to go anywhere if Riley wasn't there. For the first week we were in touch constantly. He told me about his new home and how his dad really liked the job. He was going to go back to his old school and had already reconnected with some of his old friends. I lived for hearing from him. I cared about nothing else.
And then suddenly silence. No calls, texts, nothing. When I tried to call it went straight to voicemail and texts returned undeliverable. I was going crazy. The following week school started and on the first day we were called for a special assembly and they… and they told us that Riley… that he… he was hit by a speeding driver in Kentucky!"
Mercedes reached into the pocket of her robe for a tissue to catch the tears that had now started to stream. Sam leaned forward to touch her but she backed away, refusing to meet his eyes.
Hard as it was for him, he had to let her be as she continued her sad tale. It was like she could only speak if he gave her space so he reluctantly did.
"He… He was on his way to buy milk for his family because they'd run out for breakfast. It should have only taken ten minutes and when he wasn't back after thirty his dad panicked and went to look for him. He got there at the same time as the ambulance. Apparently he died instantly which was some comfort and… and they'd already buried him the day before school restarted.
"Riley was gone. He'd died alone in the street and nobody even saw it happen. They think that even though it was morning the driver might have been drunk and lost control because there was a tire track on the sidewalk. His phone was never found. They reckon it probably got knocked from his hand and somebody found it on the street and took it.
"The school set up counseling for the football team and students that were close to him. I never went. Who the hell would have believed that I was his girlfriend anyway? They also set up a memorial with his picture where students could leave flowers and cards. It was right outside my homeroom. I pretended to be sick for a week just so that I didn't have to go to school and see it. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because nobody knew. So I used food as my crutch to get me through. I didn't care how I looked. The only person on the planet other than my mom to have told me that I was beautiful was gone. How was I going to recapture that beauty?
"Senior year was crap. I was depressed, weighed more than I ever and didn't even bother with senior prom. Mom took me to the doctor because she was worried and I just lied and said I was stressed about my weight and got given some diet pills. I never even told her what happened with Riley until Chey was born and I named her. And to this day, she and Quinn are the only ones who know the whole sorry story."
She sat, staring into space and clutching her knees to her chest. Sam was stunned. This was something she clearly never spoke about. But she was suddenly sharing it.
With him. The third person ever! Why him all of a sudden?
"I won't ask any more if it upsets you. You don't have to feel like you need to tell me anything."
Mercedes nodded and sat silently for a moment before turning back to look at him. "I told you because I need you to understand. You deserve to know because it goes towards explaining why I was the way I was that night. Why I did what I did that night."
He shook his head. "There were two people doing something that night. You can't take it all on yourself. I kissed you first."
"But I kissed you back! I gave you the green light! I can't have you think that I'm just some-"
"I don't Mercedes. I don't think that at all. You should know that by now. I could tell even then that you were different. Please don't ever think that I think you're-"
She held up her hand. "Please Sam. Let me just finish my story. I know you want to know why I ran away that night and I'm getting to that. I'm already halfway there and if I don't say it now I'll probably never say it."
He sighed. She didn't want to listen to his reassurances right now but at least he would hear her story first. He did want to know what was going through her head that night. This seemed like it was something she needed to get out. He felt like a shrink, having to impassively listen while she spilled her guts instead of comforting and reassuring her but if that's the way that she wanted it in order to get her story out then he'd just have to go along with it.
It took a few moments of silence and a good deal of hand wringing for her to continue. "College didn't start great but I got back into singing and dancing and started to get fit. I was still big though. Then in my third year I met a guy called Shane at the gym and we became friends. I was rooming with a girl called Harmony and he was the brother of one of her friends. After a while we became more than friends and even though the way I felt for Shane was nothing on how I felt for Riley I was happy to keep the relationship going. He said that he liked me just the way that I was and I stupidly believed him. We stayed together all through the final year and decided to get a place together after graduation. It was the closest to happy I'd been in a long time.
"As soon as we moved in together things changed. We were suddenly thrown into the real world. He got a job in PR pretty quickly and spent huge amounts of time with his colleagues. That's when he changed. Suddenly I wasn't good enough. He wouldn't say it like that outright, but every day there'd be small comments about my weight, my hair, the way I dressed and even my makeup. I worried that maybe now that we were in the big wide world I was no longer enough for him. I couldn't understand it. Where was the smiley guy from the gym that had said he liked me just as I was?
"I tried to make it with my singing but got nowhere fast so I took a receptionist job. Shane told me nobody wanted me to sing for them because I was fat, so I started to lose weight but the fat comments continued. Anytime he saw me put anything in my mouth he'd say something. Then I lost my job because my company was downsizing. I'd only been there a few months so it was 'last in first out'. Shane told me it was probably because they didn't want the first impression of a whale sat at the front desk.
"All the rejection really hurt, as did his comments. However hard I tried he just wouldn't look at me anymore. He was constantly out with his new friends and when he came back he would never touch me or complement me. We were like strangers living under the same roof and I felt like he barely tolerated my presence. Even though I was losing the weight the comments came more and more frequently. Then I started hearing rumors about him cheating. I didn't want to believe it but after a while I started to think maybe he was cheating, and it was all my fault for not being enough. He worked with all these glamorous people and I needed to fit into that mold otherwise I'd never be able to keep him.
"I tried so hard, Sam. I lost so much weight. I practically stopped eating and exercised like a crazy person. I changed everything that I was and it still wasn't good enough. Harmony and I still stayed in touch and she said she hated what he was doing to me. He'd been slowly chipping away at my personality and my confidence and I needed to confront him about it. So one day he came home late, smelling of perfume and I did just that. We had a huge argument which got physical and ended up in us having angry makeup sex. I know now that that was stupid but at the time I really thought things had been fixed at that point. It was the first time we'd done it in months and the first time in a long time that he'd held me in bed. He obviously found me sexy again. All the effort had been worth it after all. I was so excitement that our relationship had been rescued that the next day I thought I'd surprise him. He said he'd be working from home that day and I was out doing a new job but left early, bought massage oils and a sexy outfit, got dolled up and snuck in quietly.
"He was home but he wasn't alone. They hadn't even shut the bedroom door! I didn't need to step into the room to see them. He was fucking some blond fake boobed bimbo into the mattress! On our bed! On my fucking side of the bed! It was like I'd been turned into stone. I couldn't move and I couldn't tear my eyes away. She was moaning like a porn star and he was calling her all kinds of a slut. His back and ass were still covered in the scratches I'd made the night before and my stomach turned. She saw me first and at least had the decency to look guilty. He just rolled off her and smirked. He said that it was all my fault he did this. That he would never be in this position if I kept him satisfied and why would anyone want me looking the way that I did. He said I should look at the other woman and take notes on what men really wanted. He was still speaking as I ran out of the apartment and threw up into a trashcan.
"I moved straight in with Harmony and we went back to the apartment together two days later when we knew Shane was out to get the rest of my stuff. He'd already boxed it and left it waiting for me at the front door. I cried for days and barely ate. Then I fainted at work and when I went to the doctor he made me take a pregnancy test just in case. It was negative but I was so scared because I realized we'd forgotten to use any protection when we did it. I can't take birth control because it makes me sick. The doctor told me I was anemic and needed to eat more and I assured him it was just because of stress and I was fine. For my own peace of mind I also did a complete STD screen which thankfully was also negative but it was so humiliating to go through.
"Over the next few weeks Harmony did everything she could to try and cheer me up. She thought I was just sad about Shane, but she had no way of knowing that his words had also brought up my feelings for Riley, reminding me of just how much I missed him and I'd started grieving over him all over again. I was a mess and Harmony decided that I needed a night out. By then I was so slim I even fitted into some of her clothes so she picked me out one of her sexiest outfits, got me dolled up and told me we were going out to prove to the world that I was sexy. That's how we ended up at your club.
"She was right. I did get a lot of stares that night and initially it did make me feel good. But then we started hanging with these two random guys. Harmony was getting on well with one but the other one just kept looking at me like I was a piece of meat and it made me feel worthless again. Eventually she disappeared off with her guy and I was all set to go home but the creepy one was hanging near the exit so I thought I'd try to find another route out. I wandered around for a bit then somehow ended up on the roof. It was a mistake and I was going to leave straight away but then I saw the view. It was so calm and serene up there and I couldn't face going back in to the lights and the noise so I stayed. Nobody could see my cry out there and I calmed down pretty quickly. Then you appeared. You made me smile for the first time in ages and for some reason I sensed that you weren't some maniac who was going to rape me and toss me over the edge. So I let you hug me because at that moment I needed a hug more than you could ever know. But you didn't just hug me, you held me. Riley used to do that. He knew that sometimes words weren't enough and I just needed to be held.
"Then you told me that I was gorgeous and pretty and beautiful. They were just words but your eyes… they reminded me of his too. Not because they were green, but because you looked at me as if you really saw me. That's why I kissed you back. I convinced myself that you were genuine and that maybe you felt something too. Shane had made me feel that no man would ever desire me again but one look from you blew that out of the water. I was being selfish. I was feeling sad and I'd been drinking, not enough to be drunk and not know what I was doing, but enough to find the voice to tell you not to stop. But the second your phone went off the spell was broken and the reality of what I'd done hit me. I didn't do that kind of thing! I was just about to turn 23 and up until that night I'd only ever had sex with two guys and I was in a relationship with both of them when it happened. Now I was as bad as the girls Shane had brought into our bed. I felt sick and angry at myself for being so stupid. I'd got carried away and I'd just had sex with a complete stranger in a public place! I genuinely had no idea who you were at that point. And then you said to the person on the phone that you weren't doing anything... Just chilling on the roof… and… I could tell that we'd just done was nothing to you. I had to go. I felt so ashamed. I left as fast as I could and went straight back to the apartment and pretended it never happened. That's the reason why I left the way that I did that night.
"A few weeks later I got sick. I thought it was a tummy bug but it just wasn't getting any better. I was asked again by the doctor if I could be pregnant and said no. I'd done a negative test after being with Shane and I knew that we'd used protection that night on the roof. The doctor said I should humor him and do one anyway and it came back positive. I was stunned and immediately assumed that the first one was a false negative. The last thing I needed was to be pregnant with Shane's child!
"When I told him he went crazy. He called me a stupid bitch and told me to get rid of it. There was no way in the world I was ever going to do that and he told me not to expect any support from him because it was my own fault and I was just trying to trap him. I felt terrible. Harmony kept seeing him around and begged me to speak to him but I wouldn't. I couldn't understand why she was suddenly being so supportive of him and why she seemed to be drawing away from me. He wanted to kill our baby and I wanted nothing to do with him and nothing from him. Then when I went to have my first sonogram everything got flipped on its head. It turned out I wasn't as far along as we all thought. There was no way that Shane could be the father.
"I immediately confided in Harmony and she flipped. She said that Shane had told her I was a cheater but she'd never believed him until now. She said that you probably weren't my first random nameless hookup. Shane started sending me horrible texts calling me a slut and I had to block his number. I wondered why they turned on me so quickly then realized that Harmony, my one and only ally in this had started sleeping with Shane behind my back which is why she was suddenly on his side.
"I wanted to die. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore so I had to go back to my mom with my tail between my legs. She was disappointed in me but completely supportive of my keeping the baby. It was only by chance weeks later that I happened to see something on TV with a picture of you and your brother and realized who you were. I never planned to ask you for money, I just wanted you to know that I was having your child, but Rachel Berry made very sure that I knew you weren't interested either. You were a playboy and I should have known. The fault was mine for falling for it.
"Within a few short months I'd lost a boyfriend, a best friend and was pregnant by a man who wasn't interested. I was never going to make it as a singer and was now destined for a life as a single mother living with her mom. All I'd ever wanted was to sing in front of a massive audience. Just once. My life was in pieces. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I had another life growing inside of me that I was responsible for. I didn't care about myself but I could never harm my baby. Some nights I think that was the only thought that kept me alive.
"I used to sleep a lot during that time and when I did I'd dream about Riley. In my head I would imagine that the baby was his and that we could live happily ever after. My dreams were great but the reality wasn't. I went through a dark time and naming Chey helped keep his memory alive and kept him real. I never got to be at the funeral but strangely enough it gave me a form of closure. But anyway… all's well that ends well I guess!" She ended her speech by attempting and failing to put a little cheer in her voice.
Sam sat, frozen, staring at her completely speechless. He had absolutely no idea that she'd gone through so much in her short life. He wanted to hug her but knew that was entirely the wrong thing to do right at this moment. It's just that now he didn't know the right thing to do what was!
Her story was heartbreaking. He nearly spilled his forgotten wine as she suddenly stood up and looked at her watch. "Sam, its 2am! We need to sleep! Plus my head hurts and I really need to lie down."
Shit! Where had the time gone?
He could see the emotion etched on her face and knew that she'd be feeling emotionally drained from their conversation.
"I'll see you in the morning Sam." She'd already crossed the room and her hand was on the door to her bedroom. There was so much he wanted to say back to her but she wasn't giving him the chance. Just like that night she was running away from him. Only this time she wasn't going to get that far.
But for tonight he knew he could do nothing. "Okay. But tomorrow we talk again. Okay? I'm booking the restaurant and when Chey goes to bed we'll have some proper time again."
Mercedes said nothing and disappeared into her room. He knew he couldn't follow her because Chey was asleep in there and he knew that she needed space away from him right now.
Just as he had finished putting the wine glasses into the sink she appeared at her doorway again. "Sam… I've never told anyone the whole story like that…"
"I know. This conversation was just for me and you so we can understand each other. I've drawn a line under it already." He knew that they would never revisit this moment or this conversation again and she seemed to see in his eyes that he understood.
"Thanks."
She started to go back when he stopped her. "And Mercedes, thank you for trusting me with all that. It couldn't have been easy for you to say it."
She said nothing, simply stepping into the room and shutting the door behind her.
With a frustrated sigh he retired to his own bed and lay there for a long time thinking about everything he'd just been told, his mind racing too fast to allow him to sleep.