Scene 38
So it's official. I freaking hate Jesse St. James. I should have punched him when I had the chance. I'd like to say I didn't hit him because I was being a gentleman in front of Rachel, but really its cuz the guy jumps around like a freaking rabbit. Who can hit that? But I really should have tried harder because it's all I want to do right now. I don't know how he did it, but somehow in one short Glee club meeting he's got me feeling like a major Lima loser again.
I can't believe how he went after me in Glee today. And NO ONE said anything to back me up. After everything Jesse has done to this team, and they just sat there. Sam even agreed with him and he doesn't even know him and I could totally hear Puck laughing behind me. Maybe I don't know anything. Maybe I'm not good enough for New York, but the least they could have done was have my back. Sure I kinda stole Sam's girl so maybe I understand him, but not even Quinn said anything. She told me after class that he had a point. And then to say that "Faithfully" wasn't good enough last year and that it's why we lost is insane. Rachel and I killed that song. The judges sucked last year and everyone knows that.
But maybe he has a point. I can't dance. I'm pretty sure I proved that when I broke Rachel's nose. I'm not the best singer. But I'm not horrible. At least I don't think so. I don't know what I think anymore. I just know that maybe New York is too big for me. I can take Lima by storm but I'll never be anything else. Which sucks because Rachel is totally New York. There is no one that can tell me that she isn't going to get out of here and go to New York. And I'm just not good enough for that. Not that it matters because I'm totally with Quinn and stuff. Right?
Lately I just don't know. There's something off about Quinn and I. And if I really want to be with Quinn, why am I so worried that I'll never be good enough for Rachel? I don't think I know what I want anymore. I just know that I'm not happy lately and if I'm being truly honest with myself I haven't been happy for a really long time. I think the last time I felt complete was the night of my mom's wedding. I remember just sitting outside the reception hall with Rachel on the swing set for hours talking about our plans for after graduation. I remember kissing her right there on that swing set until I felt like I really was flying. I got so excited that I jumped off the swing and said I was superman and Rachel laughed at me for what felt like hours and I didn't even care because I could totally listen to her laugh forever. And everything felt right.
And that was the last time I've felt that way. Now I just feel empty. Incomplete. Like something is missing inside of me and I don't know how to put it back. I just need to figure out how to put it all back together again. I just wish I knew where to start.