Author's note: The time line is back to after high school graduation so don't be confused ^_^ Oh, a very OOC Sakuragi here by the way. Once again, many thanks to all my lovely readers =D Thank you for all those that have reviewed the last chapter. Reviews are always welcomed -051113-
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys!
Chapter 36. While You weren't Here
He's gone. Just like that. He didn't even look back. He walked forward into the car with straight back and he held his head high. It's like he has no regret and that he's ready to embrace his future. While I… I cry all night long on Youhei's shoulders. We curl on the couch because I can't bring myself to the bed that I used to share with Rukawa. I thank Youhei for being there with me. He doesn't say anything but he keeps hugging me tight. He's the only support I have. I know without him I won't be able to do anything. I always have strong physic. I have high tolerance to pain. I even survived many vicious fights with delinquents who used wicked tools. But the pain that I'm feeling at the moment, it surpasses all those times. I feel like my heart is being squeezed tight and at the same time being shredded into tiny little pieces. I feel like my soul is split and half of it is gone somewhere out of my reach.
"Hanamichi… How are you feeling?" Youhei's gentle voice forces me to uncurl from the fetal position I'm taking on the couch.
"I'm alright." I say hoarsely. I try to smile but I seem to fail miserably because Yohei seems more worried.
He kneels down beside me and holds my two hands, squeezing them tight. "You know I'm here for you. You'll never be alone, Hanamichi." And that breaks the dam in my heart again. I reach for him and hug him tight. Tears again fall down freely streaming my cheeks like a torrent of water fall. Yohei hugs me back and keeps murmuring comforting words. I can't stop thanking him for being here to catch me when I'm broken into pieces like this.
I finally calm down. I wipe my eyes and finally smile. It's still a bitter smile but at least I smile. "I'm going to need some time until I can get used to it, Youhei." I sigh. "I know it will come to this all along. I thought I was ready when the time came. Apparently I'm not, so…" I chuckles bitterly.
"It's okay. Take your time, Hanamichi. I'll be by your side." Youhei squeezes my hands in assurance.
"Thanks, Youhei." I smile at him once again.
I have a month before it's time to hit the university years. Luckily I've passed the entrance exam before graduation because I don't think I can be focus enough to take any exam after losing Rukawa. Youhei sleep over at my house for few nights. We lay the futon in front of the TV. I still can't sleep on the bed. But today, it's been a week since Rukawa is gone and I have to get a grip. I finally managed to convince Youhei that he could leave me because I would be okay on my own now. I push myself to start cleaning my house inside out, from the sacred bedroom to the small garden outside. After I'm done and taken a bath, I come inside the bedroom, getting ready to sleep. The bedroom looks ridiculously big now that I'm alone. I can still smell a waft of Rukawa's natural scent in the room. The sheet also has his lingering smell. Tonight is the first time I dare myself to sleep on my bed since his departure. I bask in his smell for the last time because I will wash the sheet tomorrow to put an end to my longing.
I dream about Rukawa every night despite the clean sheet that is now free from Rukawa's scent. It always pains me when morning comes because I know he won't be here with me. All the happy moments were just dreams. I've started new part time jobs now. I help in the ramen shop noon until evening and then at the construction site at night. I need distractions to keep my mind from wandering to Rukawa. Youhei still checks on me daily but since now most of the time I'm not at home, he just calls me instead of making a house visit. I feel terrible for bothering him this much but I need him so I can move forward.
Ever since Rukawa is gone, I have new habits now. I always turn on the answering machine whenever I leave the house in case there will be a phone call from Rukawa. I know it's silly because I don't even think Rukawa knows the house phone number, but I just can't help it. I always check the mailbox daily as well, hoping there'll be some letters or even postcards from him. I know it means I haven't let go but I just wish there's a sign that perhaps he still thinks about me. Stupid really, but my heart yearns for it. There's a small part of me that stands waiting for him.
One sunny Sunday I receive an unexpected visitor. When I open the door to answer the bell, Mitchi stands before me. I'm surprised but in a pleasant way. "Mitchi! What a surprise, please come in." I invite him to come inside. "Is pocari okay?" I ask while walking to the fridge.
"Yeah, sure, Hanamichi." He answers distractedly.
I return to the living room with two bottled pocari in my hand. I offer one to Mitchi and he immediately opens it and takes a sip. "So, what brings you here?" I sit next to him and devour my own pocari.
"I didn't come on your graduation ceremony so here I am, congratz, Hanamichi." He pats my shoulder several times.
"Thank you, Mitchi. And I'm going to Kanagawa University too. You're also going there, right?"
"Uh-huh. Sendoh is also there." Mitchi informs.
"Eh? Really? What major?" Being in the same university with Sendoh means a chance to be in one team because I'm certain Sendoh will continue playing basketball even in the university.
"Surprisingly, he takes art."
"Wow, I've never thought he will go into that direction." I ponder.
"So, what about you?"
"What about me?" I return the question quizzically.
"I heard about Rukawa." Mitchi says softly and my body turns rigid before I feel my heart is being squeezed tight once again. I hunch a bit while my hand clenches the shirt near my heart. "I don't want to hurt you but I want you to let it all out." Instantly Mitchi grabs my shoulders and then he hugs me. "You're not alone, Hanamichi. I'm here, Youhei is here, and your three clowns of friends are also here with you." I grab his arm like a lifeline. I notice my hands are shaking.
"I know, Mitchi, I know. I just need time, I guess." I whisper softly, still clinging onto him.
"Hey, you know what?" Mitchi pushes me a bit so he can look me in the eyes. "Why don't you live with me? I have empty room in my apartment. Maybe a change in environment will help." He offers.
I smile. "I appreciate your offer, Mitchi, but at the moment I rather stay here." A small part of me is clinging to the hope that Rukawa will contact me so I have to stay here where he know where I'll be.
Mitchi sighs. "If that's what you think is best for you. But remember, my offer stays whenever you want it." He smiles. I smile back and nod.
"Thank you, Mitchi."
When university year starts, I immediately join basketball club. True to my expectation, Sendoh is already a member. Mitchi is also a member but majoring in architecture takes much of his time so he only comes practicing when he can. On the other hand, I respect Sendoh even more because there are tons of assignments for Art's student yet he never skips practice and he never fails his Art's assignments. I don't know how he can juggle his time.
Classes and club activities help me forget about my longing to see Rukawa. I still continue my part time job in construction site so I usually come home feeling tired and have no energy to do anything but sleep. However, there are moments when I just look at some spots in the house and I can see Rukawa there. Memories of activities I did together with him sometimes attack me when I least expect it. It pains me. I never fail to check the answering machine and the mailbox but I only feel disappointment to find them empty. It's been almost a year since Rukawa is no longer by my side. The tiny hope in my heart that he will come to me or even contact me has simmered off. It crushes my heart to finally accept that he's gone from my life for good. The acceptance that he already has a life of his own pains me.
I was staring into nothing when I hear the doorbell rings. My mind still wanders somewhere but I notice that it is Mitchi. "Are you alright, Hanamichi?" Mitchi asks concernedly.
"He's not going to return here, is he?" I ask softly. "This is reality and he's not here, right? Not now, not in the future, not ever! He left me for good, didn't he? He's moved on while I… I'm stuck here…" I break down and start spewing nonsense. The realization that no matter how long I wait, Rukawa won't be back hit me like a bucket of ice water.
Mitchi doesn't say anything but he hugs me. He pats my back encouragingly and I cry like a baby in front of him. After what feels like forever I finally calm down. I come to my senses and I know this has to stop before I really break. "Hey, Mitchi." I call him softly.
"Hmm?" We sit side by side on the couch and he bumps his shoulder at me lightly to show that he hears me.
"Is your offer regarding the empty room still valid?"
I can feel him straightening up and he smiles radiantly. "Of course it is, Hanamichi. It's been waiting for you."
"I think I will take the offer." I smile back.
"Good. Now let's start packing."
Living with Mitchi helps me heal my heart because he's so fun to be with. Even though he's so sloppy so I end up taking care of the domestic chores for both of us, I don't mind. I start cooking again. Ever since Rukawa left, I lost my passion to cook but now that I'm living with Mitchi, I have to ensure he's eating regularly. Apparently being an Architecture student makes him live in a random schedule. He has so many projects that take up almost all his time apart from his classes. He didn't eat regularly when he's too immersed in his projects. After an incident where he was brought to the hospital for malnutrition, I feel like it is my responsibility to make sure he is sufficiently fed with nutritious food. He becomes my project for nutritional balance class that I'm taking. Yohei often comes visit and eats with us. I think he's still checking on me to see how I'm doing without Rukawa. Youhei takes Psychology major in Kanagawa University. I think it suits him best because he's a good listener and the wise man among us. But I can't help but think that maybe he's using me as one of his observation project. Maybe if he sees some symptoms that telling him I have mental breakdown, he will put me into therapy session. I shudder to think that there's a possibility I'm going mental so I do my best to live normally despite the constant pain in my heart.
I also spend some time to meet the three stooges. The three of them aren't continuing to university because they choose to start working after graduated. Ichirou works in a garage. His passion for vehicle makes him a good mechanic. His boss trusts him with difficult tasks. Yuji works in flower shop after being smitten by a beautiful girl whose mother owns a flower shop. It's a miracle to see a brash Yuji can actually makes lovely bouquet. I think that's the magic of love. While Takamiya, he works in the restaurant owned by his parents. He's still learning to be a cook but I have faith in him, he has passion for good food. It's good to see how the once delinquents now live an honest and hard working life. They still don't know my history with Rukawa though and I'd like to keep it that way.
Despite the hectic life of ex Shohoku basketball club members, we often have reunions. It's just a simple reunion where we go out together for a meal. We always invite Anzai-sensei and he still gives advices regarding our forms. It's flattering to know that he continues to watch over us even though we're not his students anymore. These reunions always give slight pain in my heart because they always remind me of Rukawa. I hope if given enough time, this pain will completely go away. But in the mean time, I just have to be strong. I have Youhei and Mitchi who never fail to keep me together so I thank them from the bottom of my heart. On the good side of relationship, Ryochin finally man up and asked Ayako to be his girlfriend. They're engaged now and will get married after both finish their education.
My university days are filled mostly with basketball. I'm happy to have a chance to be in the same team with Sendoh. He is amazing. Not only he has superb skill, he is also a natural leader despite his laid back attitude. He teaches me many things. It's sad to see him graduate but at least he's going pro so I still can see him in action. I aim to follow him. Mitchi is not an active member of the basket club, but on weekend he spares some time to play basketball with me. After graduation he joins a small landscape company and soon he's leading major projects there. Although I regret the fact that he's not pursuing professional basketball world, I'm proud to see him shine in architectural world. Mitchi is my role model. He always bounces back after experiencing bad things in his life and I promise myself I will do so.
I just get out of the shower room when I hear a knock on the door. I continue dressing because I know Mitchi is available to answer the door. After properly clothed, I get out of my bedroom to find empty room. Mitchi is nowhere to be seen. He never goes out without telling me first so I assume he's nearby. I open the door to check on him only to see he's engaged in a scuffle with someone else. I freeze for a moment because the last time I see him fight was during our high school days before he returned to basketball club. I shake my head to release me from the stupor.
"Mitchi!" I jump into the scuffle to separate them. "Your hand is your asset! Don't hurt it!" I frantically push him away from his opponent. "What is this all about? Are you okay? You're not hurting yourself too bad?" I quick scan Mitchi's appearance. He's sporting bruises on his jaw and a split lip. His knuckles have a little bit scrapes but they're not too bad. Mitchi doesn't say anything but he continues to scowl at his opponent which makes me turn to see who has gotten the end of Mitchi's fists. I end up frozen. Have I finally gone mental? What has triggered this hallucination? Is it a dream? Am I seeing thing? Is that really Rukawa? I lift my hand to touch him, to see if he's real or just my imagination but I stop mid air. I'm afraid that if I touch him, he'll slip through my fingers and gone again.
Much to my surprise, Rukawa reaches out to me. His fingers entangle with mine and he squeeze them gently. "I'm home, do'ahou." He says softly. I blink few times. He couldn't be saying what I think he's said, could he? I stare at him. The familiar raven hair, the familiar black irises that drown me anytime I look at him, the pale skin even though he's now sporting a split lip and bleeding eyebrow.
"Ru-rukawa… is that you?" I reach my free hand to caress his bruising cheek. When he leans to my caress and squeezing my entangled fingers, I think it's save to accept that it's not my imagination. Rukawa is really here!
"It's me, Sakuragi." He says softly. I feel something warm blooms inside my heart. He's here. He's really here… "Shh, don't cry, Sakuragi. I'm sorry for taking so long." He says while wiping my tears which I've shed unconsciously. "But I'm here now. And I will stay by your side forever." He pulls me into a hug. He embraces me tight and it awakes me. I return his embrace as tight. I can't believe it. Is this for real? He said he would be by my side forever. Is it possible?
I finally find the strength to disentangle from his warm embrace and look him in the eyes. "Wha-what happened? Is it okay for you to be here?" I ask hesitantly.
"We've been apart for four years and I'm dying each day without you. No more, Sakuragi. I won't let you go. The world can go to hell as long as I have you." He pronounces clearly and I can only stare at him dumbly. I pinch my cheek to confirm myself that it's not a dream.
"Sigh, come on you two. Let's get inside." Mitchi's voice reminds me that we're still in the aisle and we better take the conversation inside to prevent nosy on lookers.
We come inside and I toss some packs of ice to Mitchi and Rukawa so they can compress their bruises while I get the first aid kit. I tend to Mitchi's injuries first. "I can't believe you, Mitchi. How many times have I told you that you have to take better care of your hands? You need them to work on your projects. And haven't you told me that you're in the middle of working on your masterpiece? You can say good bye to it if you can't use your hands anymore." I lecture Mitchi like a mother hen. After living with him for three years I just can't help myself but fuss over him, just as much as he fusses over me.
"I'm just paying his dues, Hanamichi." Mitchi shrugs it off and I just shake my head. He's so stubborn like a brat.
After I'm done tending Mitchi's injuries, I shift to Rukawa. I gently dab alcohol on his bleeding brow. "Why did you tend him first?" I raise my brow at Rukawa's question. "My injuries are worse than his."
Without missing a beat, I continue tending his wounds. "Well, you're right. Should this isn't you but someone else, I would tend to the bleeding brow first. But since it's you, I'm too afraid to touch you because I'm scared that you will burst into bubbles when I touch you."
"You know I hate seeing you prioritizing him before me." I blink a few times. Am I hearing jealousy from a guy who has left me and not returning until four years later? "And what is it with your living arrangement? Why did you leave the house?" He continues ranting.
"It's… it's painful to stay there alone without you." I answer truthfully.
"Didn't you get my postcards? I sent two of them." He asks accusingly.
I shake my head in negative. "So you did send me postcard." I smile in relief because now I know that back then, my wistful thinking wasn't entirely wrong. "I stayed there until around a year after graduation. After that, I live here with Mitchi and only send people to clean up the house. They must have arrived after I moved out." I explain.
"You're not seeing anyone, are you? You still love me, don't you? Do I need to beat someone else other than him?" Rukawa tilts his chin towards Mitchi.
I sigh. "You shouldn't beat anybody, Rukawa." I turn to Mitchi. "I'm sorry he hurts you."
"Hah! I gave him more than he gave me." Mitchi snaps. "Then again, I was the one who hit him first." He adds a bit guiltily. I raise my brow in question, asking him silently to explain the reason. "He left you, Hanamichi. He hurt you. And I did warn him back then that I would make him pay if he hurt you."
I smile warmly upon hearing Mitchi's reason. He truly is like a brother to me. He takes care of me and always be there for me, just like Youhei does. "Thank you, Mitchi."
"And now you thank him." Rukawa says coldly.
I turn to Rukawa and I can't stifle the wide grin forming on my face. I always love these jealous and possessive traits of Rukawa because they make me feel loved. "I thank him because he helps me through the days while you weren't here." I caress his cheek lovingly, still hard to belief that Rukawa is here right now with me.
"Well now I am here. Can we just go home, Sakuragi? I just want to be with you." He says softly in defeated tone.
I reach up and embrace him. I turn my head a bit to face Mitchi and soundlessly gesturing to him that I will take care of Rukawa at my old house. "Yeah, let's go home." I turn to Rukawa and say softly on his ear. It warms my heart that he calls the house as his home.
The walk to my old house is filled with calming quietness. We hold hand during the trip, even in the train. We don't care about the stares we get from other people. I just need assurance that Rukawa is here beside me. I don't want to let him go again. We finally reach the house. He walks to the mailbox and brings two postcards from inside. "Here." He gives me the postcards.
Wait for me, I'm coming home. It was written on both postcards and I smile while holding them dearly onto my chest. So he really thinks of me all these years, as much as I think of him. I wish the postcards had arrived while I was still living here. It would have made my life much easier. I turn around to look at him. "I love you so much, Rukawa."
Rukawa grabs my neck and kisses me hard and passionately. It's his taste that I've been missing all these years so I return the kiss with the same vigor. We break apart when the need for air couldn't be ignored anymore. We're finally home. Rukawa turns around and inspect every corner of the house. "I miss this place." He says softly. "What I miss most if being with you, Sakuragi." He approaches me and hugs me again. "I stupidly tried to live without you. I almost gone mental if I didn't receive a nudge from a friend to fight for my life, to fight to be with you." He adds.
"You will stay for good, right? You won't leave me anymore?" I ask, hoping beyond hope that he chooses me for good this time.
"Yeah. No matter what happen, we will be together."
"I'm glad… I'm so glad…"
~ to be continued ~