Chapter 38

You Cannot Save Me

The next few days of January did not improve over New Year's Day for Ron, Ginny and Hermione. Though the world had been made safe, on the second day of the new year, they remained inside Grimmauld Place all day, reading two new editions of the Daily Prophet, and wondering out loud about Harry. The Prophet, still under the aegis of the Order of the Phoenix, intimated that the Boy Who Lived just needed some time to himself for unspecified psychological reasons. The three friends quietly hoped that Harry would appear suddenly, just as he returned from Godric's Hollow after Dumbledore's death. Somehow he would prevail again, they tried to convince each other, but they felt little optimism.

On January third, Ginny made a discovery. Walking past the master bedroom after waking in the morning, she could not resist the urge to open the door, perhaps hoping unrealistically that Harry would be lying on his bed reading Quidditch Weekly. Instead she saw nothing. That is, nothing belonging to Harry remained in the room. His trunk no longer sat in the corner, and when she opened every drawer and closet in the room, everything had been removed. Harry had few possessions, but every single one of them had disappeared, right down to his Firebolt. She called for Ron and Hermione, who spent a good half hour in the room examining the emptiness. They guessed that Dobby returned during the night, quickly packed up Harry's belongings (it would only have taken the elf seconds), and then transported them to wherever Harry had hidden. The emptiness crushed what little hope they had; Harry would not be returning anytime soon.

The restrictions on their lives could now be lifted, as Voldemort's followers for the moment dispersed and showed no sign of organization. Aurors of the Order of the Phoenix also dispersed throughout the country trying to round up as many death eaters as they could, and they captured a dozen or so. Remus Lupin, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Arthur Weasley spent virtually all of their time at the Ministry, arranging for the government to be reestablished. Minister of Magic Scrimgeour agreed to resign his position just as soon as the Wizengamot appointed a successor, and grudgingly they allowed him back into his office. Though he issued a number of pronouncements, the Daily Prophet virtually ignored them. Instead, it published his resignation letter in its entirety.

Headmistress Minerva McGonagall returned to Hogwarts Castle with other members of the faculty and the staff of house elves, who immediately went to work erasing every piece of evidence that the school had ever been occupied by evil. The Board of Governors quickly decided to reopen the school in two or three weeks, the exact date to be announced soon. The Head Girl and the prefect, as well as Ginny, would soon be returning to school. Even Hermione could not be cheered by this thought, for the emptiness of Grimmauld Place without Harry Potter would be multiplied tenfold in the immense castle.

"I don't want to go back," Ron announced when they read the news. He had not bothered to shave during the new year, and the red fuzz on his chin could now be seen with the naked eye.

"I don't either," Ginny agreed, "but what are we going to do? We have no reason not to return. Sitting in this old house or the Burrow isn't going to help Harry." The red-headed witch had not slept well since Harry's disappearance, and her eyes drooped from sadness and exhaustion.

Ginny's logic could not be refuted, and Ron eventually agreed that he would return as well. The emptiness in his stomach grew even larger at the thought of his dormitory without Harry.

Hermione knew she would return immediately upon reading the news. She had responsibilities as Head Girl, but primarily she needed to keep busy to occupy her mind. Returning for a couple of days to her parents' house, she informed them as best she could of what had occurred and why she had fallen into such a profound depression. Everyone in the world should be happy, she explained, except for Harry's friends. She happened to be among this small group.

The wizarding world essentially took a one week vacation after Voldemort's demise. Once the celebrations ended, nobody knew exactly what to do. Should those with jobs return to their employment as if nothing had happened during the past six months? Should businesses reopen their doors right away? Should those who fled to the continent return to their houses immediately? These uncertainties gradually faded, and by Monday of the following week, the world took its first steps toward normality. Ministry employees had been instructed to return, though the status of their employment remained up in the air. Fred and George Weasley, with the assistance of Ron and Ginny, reopened Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes, and day by day the shops and cafes of Diagon Alley opened their doors.

As no news of Harry Potter emerged, the press soon directed its attention to other events. The struggle for power in the Ministry covered pages of the Daily Prophet, which reoccupied its offices on Diagon Alley. The Wizengamot hastily arranged a special session, accepting the resignation of Minister of Magic Scrimgeour. It issued a proclamation of thanks to Harry Potter, which the Prophet published in its entirety.

The leaders of the Order of the Phoenix, Remus Lupin and Kingsley Shacklebolt, emerged as the logical choices to succeed Scrimgeour, but Remus, realizing that his status as a non-human inevitably would become an issue, immediately removed his name from consideration. Though other wizards and witches' names arose as candidates, the Wizengamot quickly appointed the leader of the sole opposition to Voldemort.

Among Shacklebolt's first acts, he appointed Remus as Minister in charge of the Ministry of Relations with Magical Creatures, instructing him to rewrite the laws with regard to house elves, werewolves, vampires, goblins and the like. If anyone grumbled that a werewolf would hold such an important position, the grumblers knew better than to voice any complaints out loud. The new Minister of Magic also appointed Arthur Weasley as Minister of Muggle Relations. A new order was rising.

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Harry Potter knew nothing of this.

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Two weeks later, Hermione Granger, her Head Girl badge freshly polished, raised her hand in the Gryffindor common room, quieting the murmurs of her returning housemates. Upon their return earlier that day, she had been bombarded with questions about Harry and what had REALLY happened. Ron and Ginny received similar treatment, and finally they decided to call a meeting of Gryffindor House to deal with it once and for all. They saw no reason to continue to conceal this information, and better that their fellow Gryffindors know the truth than the absurd rumors beginning to make the rounds.

The Head Girl stood silently and with great poise as the noise died down. She began speaking softly, forcing the crowd to remain silent and listen intently.

"Many of you have questions about Harry and what happened. Ron, Ginny and I intend to talk about this one time and one time only, so please give me your full attention. I do not plan to repeat myself." Her face displayed irritation and reluctance.

The congregated Gryffindors remained mute, shocked by the unusual demeanor of their leader. The Head Girl glanced at Ron and Ginny, who nodded their encouragement.

"Harry Potter did things that neither you nor I could have done. When I think back on it, it's almost too incredible to believe, but we were there to see it. Lord Voldemort during his life created six horcruxes, which for those of you who don't know is an object used to hold a piece of a person's soul. It's meant to make you immortal. This is the darkest magic imaginable, as to create each horcrux, Voldemort had to commit a murder. Professor Dumbledore discovered that Voldemort created six horcruxes, not just one. Dumbledore was able to destroy one horcrux, that's why his arm was withered last term, but Harry had to destroy all the others. Nobody else could do it."

Not one Gryffindor moved when Hermione paused, as little of this information had been published in the Daily Prophet. Shocked expressions looked up at the Head Girl, with Ron standing by her side, and Ginny next to him.

"In destroying the five horcruxes, Harry suffered. Last August, before school started, Harry ended up in a coma for a week, and then in September he nearly died. You remember when he was so weak last September and October, right?" Most of the heads nodded. "None of us could have done it. Destroying a horcrux, especially one created by Lord Voldemort, requires tremendous magical power, power that only Professor Dumbledore and Harry possessed. But it took a lot out of him." She paused a moment to gather her emotions, sipping from a glass of water before returning to observe her audience.

"Finally, as you know, Voldemort and Harry met on New Year's Eve, just a little before midnight. None of us were there, so we don't know exactly how it happened, but Harry killed him!" Hermione emphasized these last words, and the hearts of all of the Gryffindors filled with pride. "But something happened afterwards. When Harry survived Voldemort's attack as a baby, somehow a piece of Voldemort transferred to him. Nobody really understands why or how. When Voldemort's body died a few weeks ago, what was left of his soul somehow entered Harry's body. Since he had destroyed all of the horcruxes, it could go nowhere else." The students glanced at each other nervously, not entirely understanding the import of this information.

Hermione gulped quietly and tried to make it clear, "What's left of Voldemort is inside of Harry. He left and nobody has seen him since. We can only guess that he believes that he is too dangerous to be around other people. That he can't control what is inside of him." She paused for a few moments before concluding, "That's all we know." Gloom settled on the common room like London fog.

One of Harry's seventh-year friends, Neville Longbottom, quietly asked, "Do we know if he's alive?"

"We're pretty sure that he is," Ron explained, moving forward a step, "because he sent his house elf back to his house on New Year's Day with the message that we should leave him alone. We know that he was alive then, and I believe that he is alive now. He's trying to figure out what to do. He has bloody Lord Voldemort inside of him. It might take some time, but Harry will figure it out." His house mates could not help but notice the hesitation in Ron's voice.

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The first week back at school passed easily enough for the returning students. It seemed the teachers needed to feel their way around the new world, same as the students, and they spent many classes on spontaneous discussions trying to make sense of the events of the past year. Ron and Ginny generally remained silent during these discussions, but Hermione participated fully in them. In fact the Head Girl could not be stopped, seemingly taking it upon herself to deal with every issue facing Hogwarts. Though always on their minds, the three of them rarely spoke of Harry Potter with each other; in fact, they spent little time together, drifting apart after so many weeks of forced togetherness at Grimmauld Place.

But then it happened. While Ron gathered his books next to his neatly-made bed (courtesy of Hogwarts' house elves), a fire erupted in the air, quickly forming into Fawkes. The phoenix majestically hovered just below the vaulted ceiling, and then effortlessly settled down on the back of the wizard's chair. Ron gaped in astonishment, but the magical creature looked kindly at him. He saw an envelope tied to its leg.

Ron carefully stepped forward, and seeing Fawkes hold out its leg, gently removed the letter, which could only be from one person.

"Thank you Fawkes, can you take a letter to Harry?" The phoenix trilled several notes and then disappeared in another flash. Ron did not understand its response. He examined the envelope, not made of parchment but plain white muggle paper. The following words, clearly in Harry's script, had been written: "For Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley. Please read it together."

Not since Harry's battle with Slytherin's locket, when he needed to find Madam Pomfrey, had Ron run so hard. The few students sitting in the common room jerked their heads in astonishment as a flame of red hair shot past them and out the portrait hole. Ron and Hermione's Transfiguration class would start in ten minutes, he knew, but that mattered not.

Finding Hermione clutching her books outside the classroom, he slowed down and panted a few times before huffing, "Come with me. It's important." He walked quickly away, and Hermione knew from his tone of voice that something serious had happened.

"What is it?" she asked once they rounded the corner away from the other students. Ron showed her the envelope, and without a word Hermione Granger broke into a sprint, as she knew that Ginny would be entering her Charms class momentarily. Professor Flitwick stood at the front of the large tiered room, and Ginny could be seen seated towards the back, glancing glumly at her book.

Breathing deeply, Hermione stepped down to the professor, quietly said a few words, and then stepped up to Ginny's desk. Naturally the younger girl displayed surprise at the unexpected appearance of the Head Girl, but as soon as Hermione whispered into her ear, she grabbed her bags and rushed out. Since they were not far from the Room of Requirement, they ran there and entered a small, well-lighted room furnished with a sofa on which all three of them could sit.

"Fawkes brought this to me just a few minutes ago. Harry wants us to read it together," Ron briefly explained, showing the girls the envelope. Hermione conjured three glasses of water for the thirsty trio while Ron opened the letter, written on lined muggle paper with a muggle pen. With anticipation in his voice, and a hint of trepidation, he began to read:

Dear Hermione, Ginny and Ron:

First, I want to let you know that I am alive and that I miss you three more than you can imagine. I will not lie to you. These past weeks have been the most difficult of my life, and I don't know how it will end. I'm scared.

You heard from Dobby that what remains of Tom Riddle is now inside of me. It is not a horcrux. Voldemort is everywhere inside of me. I can't think without him hearing me, and he can't think without me hearing him. It's horrible. I have tried everything to destroy him. It has to be "love" somehow, but no matter what I do, I can't kill him. Now I am afraid that it can't be done. I'm afraid that Lord Voldemort will die only when I die.

I had to leave Godric's Hollow because he almost succeeded in causing me to kill all of you. He is extremely difficult to control, and he is trying to control me. Since all of his horcruxes are destroyed, his only option is to take over my mind and body. We are constantly at war. I have been outside only a couple of times, but I can't anymore because he wants me to kill everyone he sees. He is beyond rage now. He is pure evil. I can't bear it much longer. It's too dangerous for me to see you, or to see anyone. A few times, he's almost succeeded. I don't know how much longer I can last. If I can't control him, eventually I will hurt someone. Eventually I will kill someone. I cannot allow that to happen.

I miss you so much. Dobby has been taking good care of me, but I feel sick all the time, I can hardly eat without throwing up, and my scar always stings. I haven't felt well since it happened. How much longer can I take this? I don't want to die, but I don't want to live this way. I CAN'T live this way!

Why am I writing you? Every day I think about the three of you all the time, and I know that you're worrying about me. Now that I've written this, I think I shouldn't have. But I will send it to you anyway, so that you know. I'm so lonely. Please write me a letter and let me know that you are fine. I haven't been getting the Prophet, and I don't know anything that's happening. Fawkes will return tomorrow morning. Please give him your letter. An owl won't be able to find me.

Whatever happens, I want you to know that I love all three of you, more than you'll ever know. If my life must end, at least I know that I fulfilled my destiny. Maybe I'm not supposed to live any longer. Now that Voldemort can only torment me and not the rest of the world, my presence on this earth is no longer necessary. I hoped it would be over after I killed him, that I could live a long, normal, boring life. Whatever happens, I know that you will remember me, and that is a great comfort. More than anything, I want the three of you to live full, happy lives, even if I can't share it with you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO FIND ME! I am extremely dangerous, and I think I am beginning to lose control. You cannot save me. Nobody can.

I love each of you. Remember me kindly,

Harry

Harry's three friends gazed silently at the letter after Ron finished. The anguish it contained proved difficult to absorb, and a minute of silence passed, each of them lost in their thoughts.

Finally Hermione quietly broke the silence, "We have to find him! That's all there is to it."

"But Harry just told us not to find him. And we have no idea where he could be. He could be anywhere," Ron responded in a defeated voice, not exactly disagreeing with his former girlfriend but pointing out the difficulties.

"Hermione's right," Ginny muttered. She shifted her weight on the sofa, turning towards Ron and Hermione, a dazed expression on her face. "Harry's going to kill himself. That's what he's trying to tell us. He's saying goodbye. If we don't find him, he'll do it. We can't let that happen!"

"Exactly!" Hermione agreed, jumping off of the sofa and pacing the room frantically, "He wants to hear from us one last time, and then he's going to end it all. We've got to write him back and convince him to wait. We can tell him we've found a way to help him get rid of Voldemort."

"But that's not true," Ron retorted, "Harry doesn't like being lied to."

"I don't care!" Hermione countered fiercely, "He can be mad at me as long as he wants. At least that means that he's still alive. If he's alive, there's still hope."

"So what are we going to do?" Ginny asked, "We have to write a letter to Harry by tonight so that Fawkes can take it to him tomorrow." An uncomfortable silence ensued.

Also pacing across the room, Ron shook his head slowly from side to side and through gritted teeth exclaimed, "We've let Harry down. Here we are back in school as if nothing has happened. Do you think Harry would have come back if one of us was in his situation? Not a chance! He'd do anything he could to help us. We've just been sitting here thinking that Harry will come through again, that he always wins no matter what. I'm the guiltiest of all of us. 'Harry's tough! He'll kill Voldemort's soul somehow.' I said those exact words to some fifth years this morning. I don't know what we have to do, but going to class is not one of them. We have to devote ourselves full time to trying to find and save Harry."

Ginny and Hermione hung their heads in shame, for Ron's words stung their souls. He was right. School could wait. Everything else could wait. Now they had to try to save Harry, before it was too late.

"First thing we need to do is to write the letter. In fact, we can each write a letter so he'll have three. Let's do it right now." When Hermione finished speaking, three small desks appeared in the Room of Requirement, each with parchment, quill, ink and a chair. "OK, let's think how we're going to do this."

The three of them did not leave the Room of Requirement for five hours.

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"You are what?" Professor McGonagall gasped.

"I am resigning my position as Head Girl, and I will not attend classes this term. Please let me explain, Professor," Hermione calmly restated. She had placed her badge on the headmistress' desk, and over the next fifteen minutes, she informed the professor of most of what they knew and the intention of Ron, Ginny and her to devote themselves to saving Harry's life.

"Miss Granger, I am extremely sympathetic. We all wish for Harry to overcome this latest difficulty, but I fail to see how leaving Hogwarts will help him. Obviously he has taken great pains to conceal his location. While I am not aware of the workings of the new Ministry, I have been informed that a search for Mr. Potter has been and continues to be made. But magic cannot solve all problems. A wizard, especially a wizard of Harry's abilities, can become invisible from the wizarding world with little difficulty."

"I understand your point, Professor, but please understand mine. If Harry kills himself, and I did nothing to prevent it, I will never forgive myself. You know as well as anyone that I love Hogwarts and my position as Head Girl, but they mean nothing to me right now. We know that we may be too late, but we are going to do whatever we can. At least we can say that we tried. And with all due respect to the Ministry, it does not have the resources to find him. We know Harry better than anyone. If anyone can find him, it will be us." Her initially calm voice began to tremble, and her arms waved about wildly as she spoke, barely able to contain her composure.

The passion in the Head Girl's voice finally overcame the headmistress' understandable resistance. Without smiling, she nevertheless looked kindly upon her favorite student.

"All right, Hermione, you can stop arguing now. You have convinced me. Very reluctantly, I can assure you, but you have convinced me. Am I to understand that you wish to remain at Hogwarts even though you will not be attending classes?"

"With your permission, Professor. We need to study in the library, especially the restricted section. It may be fruitless, but I have a few ideas that I want to explore."

"You have my permission, Hermione, and my best wishes. We all want Harry back. I miss him dearly, and his recent letter to you is most distressing. Please let me know if I can be of assistance in any way."

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Harry Potter anxiously removed the bulging envelope from Fawkes' leg. He rushed over to the kitchen table to open it, his bare feet leaving impressions in the carpet. As usual, he had not bothered to dress that day, clad only in a faded blue t-shirt and boxer shorts. He had nowhere to go.

"Shut up!" he snapped at the voice inside his head. Sliding his finger roughly under the flap of the envelope, he ripped it open and pulled out the six pieces of parchment written by his three best friends. For the first time since the evening of December 31st, he felt joy. The feeling soon passed.

That day he read the three letters more times than he could count. The love that transferred itself from the page to his heart buoyed him. He knew that his letter would cause them to worry terribly, but he could not hold it in any longer. Besides, his letter did not tell even half of the story. How many times had he almost ended it all? He no longer counted.

To tell the truth, he would be dead already if not for Dobby. The house elf did not leave Harry's side that first week, as Harry tried over and over again to destroy the alien spirit inside of him. Yet he made no progress, Voldemort remained inside of him, as angry, evil and desperate as ever.

At some point during those nightmarish seven days, Harry had the large kitchen knife in his hand when Dobby raised his hand in horror, blasting the knife out of his hand. When the house elf saw the despair in Harry's eyes, Dobby stunned his master with a elven spell before he could be given an order, causing Harry to remain unconscious for half a day. Poor Dobby, Harry mused. It must have been incredibly difficult for him to attack his own master, but the house elf had determined that no other option existed. On at least two other occasions (Harry's mind blurred at the memories), Dobby intervened at especially dangerous moments.

He took the letters to the imitation leather sofa where he sat so many times in recent months during his visits with Professor Dumbledore. His mentor had instructed Harry to give notice to the landlord, but for some reason Harry could not do it. The professor specifically entrusted Harry with the disposal of his clothing and belongings, but instead, Harry simply slipped January's rent into the box by the landlord's office before the end of December. He figured that would give him another month to deal with it. Something told him not to give up that flat.

Dobby became Harry's caretaker, doctor and psychologist. The young man's mood swung from depressed to suicidal, often several times in one day. Usually Dobby could calm his master with his simple words. When Harry cried that he could stand it no longer, Dobby would remind him of all that he had accomplished, of his greatness as a wizard, and that he had many friends who loved him. Somehow or other, the little elf always seemed to know what to say.

Only in one area did they argue. Harry refused to rescind his order not to contact his friends, or anyone in the magical world for that matter. Dobby pleaded that he be allowed to contact "Harry Potter's Granger friend or Weasel friends," but Harry angrily rejected this advice.

"I'd rather die at my own hand than take the chance that I'd hurt one of them," Harry chided his slave, "You don't know what he wants me to do to them. You don't have to hear each one of his thoughts."

"But you are the strongest wizard, Harry Potter. Weasel friends and Granger friend can be careful. Dobby can make sure that Harry Potter does not harm friends. Harry Potter must have his friends to kill the dark lord."

"HIS NAME IS VOLDEMORT. BLOODY LORD VOLDEMORT," Harry exploded, "AND HE'S TRYING TO TAKE OVER. HE WANTS ME TO KILL YOU TOO, DOBBY." He raised his hand seeking to call his wand, his eyes glazed with uncontrolled rage.

Dobby raised his voice as well, though he did not shout.

"Harry Potter will not kill Dobby because Harry Potter is a great and good wizard. Dobby is not afraid of Harry Potter." And in fact the tiny house elf displayed no evidence of fear.

Time and again, Dobby's underlying calmness, even when on the outside his arms flailed about, managed to be just enough sanity for Harry to grasp. Harry did not lose control.

His friends had returned to Hogwarts, which was news to Harry. Of course, it made sense. The school surely would have reopened as soon as possible after Voldemort's demise, but Harry never considered it. Hermione told him that Shacklebolt had been appointed as Minister of Magic, and Harry nodded his head approvingly. Never his favorite, Shacklebolt did strike Harry as honest and capable. For the most part, the wizarding world had started on its road to recovery, and Harry felt satisfaction. He had done what needed to be done, and the world had no further need of him.

"Please don't do anything rash, Harry," Hermione had written, "We are working on a way to separate you from Voldemort's spirit. There is a way! I know you are suffering, but please let us help you. You can't do it alone!" Harry smiled.

"Nice try, Hermione," he muttered to himself. No spell could heal him. No potion could remove Voldemort from his body and soul. His brainy friend simply wanted to keep him alive and was willing to lie if necessary. Harry appreciated her effort.

All three letters overflowed with emotion, but never did Harry come close to crying. Tears were things of the past. Yet his heart filled with their love, and thoughts of ending his life receded for the moment. His life was hopeless, but he did have friends who loved him.

Maybe his life was not hopeless after all.