A/N: Haven isn't mine, but I'll keep it alive as long as I'm able. I hope you all do, too.
Song for this chapter is 'Don't Cry' (alternate version) by Guns 'N Roses.
Mara set the guest room for Duo before heading back to Duke's- their- bed.
Her boys were sleeping, and she watched for a long moment, snapping a picture with Audrey's phone.
She kicked off her pajama pants, climbing into the far side of the bed, Duke in the middle. She stretched, cleared her head, and started feeling for Duke's mind with her own. When she felt it, she followed the silky texture, mind sliding sensuously against mind until she felt the opening she was searching for, and pulled herself in.
Nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared her for entering the subconscious of this yoga-loving zen master.
Everything was utter chaos. A cappuccin monkey in a ballet costume wheeled a unicycle on a tightrope above her head. In the distance, an elephant was running- fast- through a field of poppies as zombies in Mardi Gras beads ambled behind it. Actions and images flashed and changed quickly, a sleek red motorcycle morphing into a pink, fluffy unicorn, the image of Audrey nude lying atop it. She was holding a leash that attached to Nathan, in leather pants, a studded leather vest and matching hat, spiked leather collar wide across his throat. Even in the dream, though, Nathan looked mortified.
Mara wandered around a little. The same bit of a song kept repeating as if over a loudspeaker. "Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows, pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows, pink fluffy... " On and on it droned.
"Oh, no, nuh-uh. I can't concentrate with that bleating." She hadn't wanted to interfere yet, but she flicked a finger, moving to the next song. It was just as bad as the first, and even she remembered what they called it. 'Hamster Dance'.
"Oh for the gods sake!" She motioned again, heard her own sad, scared voice singing 'Exquisite Corpse'. Then 'Henry the Eighth'. Again, and she heard 'I Would Do Anything For Love' and curious, she followed the Paths of Possibility, catching a glimpse of another timeline, of Duke getting into the Barn with her.
She kept flipping through sounds; 'Two Out of Three Ain't Bad' she passed as soon as she heard it. She finally found a song she could live with- 'November Rain', and continued her trek. She started to call his name, uncertain she could find him in this madness.
"There you are!"
The words weren't terrifying in Duke's warm voice, but as she turned, she saw he was in clown costume and she jumped.
"Why in creation are you dressed as a clown?" She was trying not to look at him.
"For the party! I'm glad you came early."
"What's the party for, Duke?"
"For your birthday!"
"Duke, love- are you talking about Audrey? Because her actual birthday isn't for months."
"No, Mara. For yours! Don't be mad at her, but Audrey told us the date."
Her throat tightened. "I... we don't have... People don't celebrate my birthday, Duke. Never have."
"We do now."
"Well, we can't really have a party, Duke. I don't exist outside our little circle. So you can throw Audrey parties for hers, okay? It doesn't bother me. I know my place."
His eyes narrowed. "You keep saying that, Mara. Why?"
"Gods, can you take off the clown rig? I can't- Audrey's not the only one who's coulraphobic. Please don't tell anyone. But I can't look at you like that, so I'm going to close my eyes until you do."
She shut her eyes.
"Fine, but answer the question. Why do you keep saying you 'know your place' like that?"
She huffed. "Every group, every pack has a social hierarchy. I'm not at the level you guys are. I bounce above in some areas, but mostly below. I'll always have to be a secret, Duke. I can't exist publicly. I'm not on even footing with you three. My place is behind. It always will be, and I'll always be okay with that. Audrey deserved the body, Momma didn't expect me to do... well, this. Survive. I just didn't want to leave you, don't you get that? I'm still alive because I was in love with you. I'm okay being a dirty secret, Duke."
"Mara, open your eyes."
She tentatively opened one eye, ready to close it the moment she saw anything clown-related.
Her eyes popped wide as she realized Duke was nude, and her cheeks flamed.
"I... you know, this is dream-state, Duke. You can just whip up new clothes like that." She snapped her fingers, and suddenly she was wearing the dress from the boathouse. Oh hell, that wasn't well-planned at all.
"I happen to like nudity."
"Uh... are all your dreams this... lively?"
"Depends. Some are different." Duke stroked his hand down her arm, making her shiver. She stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her as he spoke. "You're not a dirty secret, Mara. And you're no lower in order that the rest of us."
She blinked back tears. "We're getting off-track. I'm supposed to be helping you learn dream control. I thought it would be easier starting in your own dreams. You've seen I can touch you, and though I could even make you feel pain, it won't affect your physical body, okay?"
"Okay."
"Now, let's say I don't like this dream. You focus internally- nothing outside matters. The power that runs everything is internal. May I alter this?"
"Sure, go for it."
Her fingers tapped again, the music of Transformation playing loudly in her head. As she watched, everything changed, and then they were in the boathouse again. Maybe she could get some resolution, take back the dream William had tried to sour.
"Everything is possible here, if you can keep your head. You're in charge of your dreams, and even if the person you're fighting is more experienced, if you know how to manipulate them, you're okay. The hard part is not letting yourself get caught, because they can feel real.
"Look, I can actually show you the dreams I've been having, how I beat William. Do you want to see?"
"Seriously? Yeah, I want to see!"
"Put on some pants, I can't concentrate with you naked. Unless I'm naked too, but then I'm concentrating on something else." She slapped his bare ass, and he made himself some loose cotton lounge pants, laughing.
She brought up the dream from the apartment- the one that wasn't even a dream. Mara wrapped Duke's arms around her, gripping them with her back pressed to his chest.
"It's a re-creation, like a movie. We can't change it, only watch, okay?"
He nodded, and they watched, Mara occasionally staring down instead of around. Duke's breath was harsh behind her and his grip around her tightened protectively.
When the knife came down into Mara's belly, Duke made to pull away, to run to her side, and Mara had to yank him back, muttering, "Look, not touch."
"I... I didn't... I knew it was bad, but not- oh Mara." He buried his face in her shoulder, breath ragged, and she stroked his back as she motioned the vision away.
"Shh, it's gone, it's okay. Everything is fine, Duke. Just a memory now, and that's because of you and our baby. He can't hurt us on the Rouge, I promise."
"But it was real for you. He hurt you. Your hand and your arm are all stitched up. Your mouth... I didn't understand how bad it was. I'm so sorry."
"You don't have to see the others, Duke. The second one... it's kind of bad. I want you to know how to turn the dreams around, but I don't want you to have to see."
He shuddered, his face still pressed against her.
"I need to see it. Please, I need to understand."
She closed her eyes, trying to be calm for both of them.
"Fine. Please, please remember, Duke- I broke this one because I knew you would never do this, do you understand? Even in a dream-loop I knew I could trust you. I had to learn, though. So please understand that while it's hard to sit through, I won. I won, okay?"
He wiped at his eyes, clearing his throat as he re-took his place behind her, arms wrapped securely around her. She took a deep breath, bringing the boathouse up around them and letting the dream play.
They both watched the beginning in fascination, seeing their first touches, their first kisses. Mara's hands clenched on Duke's arm a moment before the angry voice, the hit, the choking. She swallowed hard, watching dream-Duke- watching William- hurt her. She refused to look away this time, watching her dream-self close her eyes as everything around them shifted.
Behind her, Duke was frozen in horror.
They watched dream-Mara and William talking, Mara's sneering derision. The words that still somehow stung, that they were pretending to love her to make her docile.
"Pay attention now, Duke. Watch my hands when I'm quoting Shakespeare. I don't know if it's like this for other people, but for me, melodies are like spells. I used the music of Form here, just like I did to create Duo."
Duke jumped as the dogs flew, around and over them as they headed for William. The snarling and screaming made her smile vindictively. The vision faded, and they were silent for a long moment.
When he spoke, Duke's voice was rough, watery with tears.
"You didn't tell me it was this bad. Why didn't you tell me, Mara?"
"Because I knew it would hurt you. That you'd blame yourself for something that never actually happened. I knew it wasn't you, can't you understand that's what matters?"
"But... I hurt you. I ra-"
"If you finish that sentence, Duke, I will show you what dream pain feels like. That. Wasn't. You. You've never hurt me. That was William, not you. Trust me, I remember every moment of what actually happened that day. You never hurt me. But did you watch me form the dogs? That's the important part. Learning how to change the cards, do you see?"
She felt him nod where her back was pressed against him.
"The next one is easier, I promise. Do you want to get this done so we can make better memories?"
"Yeah, I do. Show me."
A flick of her fingers, and they were in the Gull, watching Nathan threatening Mara.
Duke seemed better able to see through Nathan, and he started to relax, really listening. Seeing dream-Mara unafraid may have helped. He laughed a little as Mara's insult broke William's facade.
"When he hit himself, you moved. You're screaming. I thought the bond was broken."
"I was acting, Duke. The longer he thinks he can hurt me this way, the longer he'll stay out of range."
"Did... did you just tell him you were in The Simpson's?"
"It was the first thing that came to mind."
His arms tightened again as William moved to kiss her, and when the giant spider appeared behind William, Duke jumped a little. They watched for a moment before the dream faded.
"So. That's what happened. Do you want to practice?"
"Yeah, I do."
She turned to face him, arms looped around his waist. "Let's get started, then. I'll start small."
Mara paced a few feet away, stretching her neck. A ping-pong ball appeared in her hand and she chucked it at Duke, hitting his head.
"What the hell was that for?"
She rolled her eyes. "You're on defense, think about how to counter my attack. Brute force won't win here." She threw another ball, hitting his chest. After the third ball, he manifested a racket, whapping them away.
"Good, Duke! See? You learn to manifest what you need."
They practiced for what seemed like hours, moving on to tennis balls, baseballs, darts... everything she could think of, until she was tired.
"That's enough for one night. I can't teach you everything in one day. But we do have an unusual advantage now. He thinks you're dead, but even when he realizes you're alive, he won't have any idea what you're capable of. Next time, I'll teach you how to go into someone else's dream. But... if you want, we can repair the memory of our first time together. If you want. It's just you and me. Even Audrey's asleep." She trailed her nails down his spine and he wrapped his arms around her.
"Duke, just please remember I did what I did that day because I loved you and wanted to save you. I wasn't using you, and I'm sorry for the things I said."
"I think I got that about 50 apologies ago, Mara."
She chuckled. "That bad, huh?"
"Sweetheart, I think you even blame yourself for global warming."
She pressed her face to his chest, laughing. "Actually, I don't. This planet has gone through several ice ages and warmings. I don't even think people have much to do with it at all. I mean, what do they think caused the last Great Thaw? Dinosaur farts? Or have they just not excavated the Dino SUV?"
"So, fixing the memory, huh?" He ran a hand through her hair.
"If you're interested." She was still wearing the dress, a flick of her fingers brought them back to the boathouse.
He kissed her, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning in. As she felt her dress unzip, she shivered in delight.
Naked, he sat her on the table again and she brought her legs up, touching his back and kissing his neck. She licked at his pulse, occasionally running her fingers through his hair and tugging gently.
Same situation, but so different. Not having to hide the depth of her love, knowing that he was choosing to touch her- not just wishing she was Audrey- it was magic.
His fingers traveled up her bare legs and thighs, one hand curving around her hip as the other stroked her, fingers reaching inside her.
She panted, pressing kisses against his ear and neck, running her fingers up and down his spine. He pressed closer, until she felt him hard against her. She whined as he removed his fingers, but as she felt his head pressing against her she kissed his lips, pulling him closer. Her head rested on his shoulder as he entered her, and she was reminded of the Aether-bliss, her whole body- her whole soul- reaching for him.
No masks this time, no anger or mistrust. She wanted nothing but to be with him, and he wasn't wishing or imagining that she was Audrey. When he rocked forward, he rocked into Mara, heart and soul. Her eyes were tearing up, but she didn't care. This moment had changed everything, for everybody.
His long, beautiful fingers were rubbing her and she started to shake and clench, tightening her arms around his neck. She threw her head back and his teeth grazed the skin of her throat, making her constrict around him, gasping as she came.
He made a rough, wild sound, and he picked her up, lying them out on the floor. His lips closed around one nipple and she groaned, arching. There was no agenda, no Aether clinging to her hands as she pressed them against his skin, trying to pull him closer.
She'd once wistfully mentioned 'another time, another place'. This was that time. This was that place.
She raised her hips to meet his thrusts, moving with him. In that moment, he was all that existed- the universe packed tightly into one body. She clawed and scratched wildly, barely able to form words at all. But she was determined to change one thing.
Instead of saying 'It's okay, Duke', she murmured, "Duke, I love you" with all the intensity she could. She felt him shiver and his mouth met hers, stroking her hair with one hand, bracing himself with the other.
His movements became more frantic, thrusting into her in desperation. Her legs tightened around him, driving him deeper. She was drowning in him, trying to breathe. She was straining, her body tensing for something that Duke had been the first to give her- release.
She bucked against him, trying to drive him deeper as she tasted the sweat on his neck. The first time, he'd given her a child. This time she wanted his heart.
"Duke, Duke I love you. I love the darkness as much as the light. I believe in you. I'll be yours forever. Never turn on you, never deny you, never ask more than you're willing to give. I'll do anything for you. Just be mine. Please!"
His gasping grunts, the vibration and sound of them tightened her more, and she was sure she was going to implode. "I...I... can't last. Duke, harder!"
She was already too close, and the next thrust made her explode, pulsing around him until he was shouting, too. Shouting her name, like it was the most precious word in existence. They came together, partners. Each living and dying for the other. Mara felt the holes, the jagged scars in her heart and soul all being filled, patched with Duke's love.
They stayed locked together, silently studying each other's faces, memorizing them. She tilted her head up to lick his lips and she felt his shoulders shake as he pulled out, lying against her.
"Duke, what is it, love? Why tears?"
"You really mean it, don't you? You don't care about the rest. You love me the way I am. How?"
"Oh, Duke. Can't you see? I may have been around longer, but I was born for you. They just took their time perfecting you, so I was lost for awhile. I'm yours. I breathe for you. I live and die for you. Nothing can change that."
His sweet, shy smile was heartbreaking. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. In fact... if you don't tell, or get all freaked out, I'll tell you a secret."
He pushed up one elbow, staring down at her. "Tell me."
"Promise you won't freak out?"
"I can't imagine what you could say that would freak me out after everything we've been through."
Mara blushed brightly, but finally said, "I have no surname here. I sometimes pretend that you marry me and make me a Crocker."
His breathing stopped and she went pale, afraid. Stammering with nerves, she continued, "No, don't worry, please. I'm not going to do anything, Audrey doesn't even know. I'm not suggesting... I'm not asking... I, I know my place." She finished on a whisper, looking away.
Gods, would she ever learn what was okay to say out loud? She felt foolish- clingy and weak and demanding. All this time with humans was making her soft and stupid. She couldn't deal with it. She started to bite the inside of her lip, to let the pain give her some distance, when Duke's lips crashed down on hers, making her gasp in surprise.
He kissed her insistently, almost desperately, muttering, "Do you mean that?" between kisses.
She was so, so confused.
"I... I don't know the right answer. I don't want you to be mad at me."
He glared at her, but punctuated each word with a kiss. "Did. You. Mean. It? Truth."
She was still befuddled, but 'truth' she could manage. Barely. "Yes."
Duke jumped up from the floor, pulling her up with him. She stood naked in front of him, cheeks still pink, staring at the floor.
"Do you want me to go for now? You can't exactly walk out of your own dream, Duke."
"Walk out? Are you out of your mind? This is... this is the happiest I've felt, maybe ever. And there's been a lot of happiness lately, beautiful."
She finally looked at his face, her brow furrowed in bemusement.
Duke was smiling.
More than smiling, his grin lit up the whole room. She could get lost in that smile.
"Mara, is marriage a spiritual institution or a legal one?"
"Both, but mostly spiritual. Why? Duke, I'm confused."
"I'd get dressed, but we seem to communicate better without barriers. Marry me, Mara."
It was her turn to stop breathing, gazing at him in shock.
"I don't understand, Duke."
"Spiritual, Mara. It's spiritual. So marry me. You and me... we conceived this baby together. Let me marry you before the baby is born. It doesn't have to be a legal ceremony, but that doesn't make it less real. It makes it more real."
"What about Audrey and Nathan?"
"We've both said that there was a part of just us that belonged to each other. Let this be that part. They'll understand. We can even have a separate ceremony with all four of us if they want that, but just for us- you and me- marry me. Come on, Mara, don't leave me hanging."
"Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure of anything." He put on his most serious expression, his eyes burning with sincerity. "Mara, I'm asking you, of my own free will- Will you marry me?"
Her voice sounded breathy, like a whisper; all bravado gone as she said the only thing she could, the only thing she wanted to.
"Yes, I'll marry you."
He grabbed her around the waist, spinning her in circles as he whooped loudly. "No backing out now, Mara. You're mine forever."
She laughed against his shoulder. "I already told you that."
"But now it's official. You'll be Mara Crocker, my wife."
"You poor man."
"Hush, you."
"I'm already barefoot and pregnant." Mara chuckled.
His smile only got wider. "Best dream ever."
"Well, if you still want to when you're awake, let me know. If you wake up thinking 'Oh dear gods, what have I done', we'll just pretend you never said anything. I don't want to be a regret anymore."
"Keep dreaming Mara. You're stuck with me now."
The boathouse could never be a bad memory again.