Chapter 38

One week later...

"You're having one of your attacks."

It was a statement, not a question. Jarah turned to look at Daryl in surprise.

"How do you know?"

"Your breathing changed!" Daryl stated matter of factly.

"What? You can tell that I'm having an anxiety attack just by the way I breathe? How? I'm not hyperventilating." Jarah was stunned. She'd always known that he was observant, but she never thought he was THAT thorough.

"Just something I picked up on during the week. I pay attention, you know." he shrugged nonchalantly. As usual, his attention toward her wasn't a big deal to him. It just came natural.

"Yeah, but to my breathing? Wow! Never knew you watched me that closely."

"Ever since that pregnancy thing on Christmas... You've had at least one every day this past week." He plopped down on their bed, his back against the headboard and watched her put their freshly cleaned clothes into the filing cabinet that had been turned into a closet.

"I had at least one pregnancy thing every day?" Jarah tried to change the subject. She didn't feel like talking about it, but as usual Daryl was a dog with a bone.

"Stop fucking around, you know what I mean."

"I know,... what do you want me to tell you? It sucks, but I gotta deal with it."

She shrugged and kept busy putting their clothes away. She felt his intense stare on her. Out of the corner of her eye she was able to detect that he was fidgeting with his pack of cigarettes and he was chewing away on the inside of his cheek. She could practically hear the wheels in his head turning.

"It's Merle! Ain't it?"

"Let's not go there, Daryl! It's gonna be fine! Wanna go down to the RV? Have some fun?"

"Stop it, I mean it. Stop fucking trying to distract me! You know that shit get's me going!" He slammed the pack down on their nightstand in frustration, possibly squashing some of the smokes. She knew this had to be something that really upset him in order for him to risk losing cigarettes.

"Alright, what do you want me to say? That you're brother is causing all the attacks? Yeah he is, so? What now?" Jarah slammed the drawer shut with a loud bang, trying to relieve at least some tension. "He just doesn't stop, Daryl. It's been a fucking week and he just doesn't stop. The only person he is treating half decent is Carol, but only because she is waiting on him hand and foot, thinking it will get him to mellow out. I swear that woman is a sucker for abusive relationships!"

"Hey, my brother ain't no woman beater!"

"No, maybe not, but he is a Class A asshole! He is using her. He is treating us both like crap, the rest of us is lucky that he ignores them. Rick's fucking method of treating him like a child worked for a whole of one single day... God Daryl, I just had it. I can't stand him. Every time I walk into that room he pipes up. My patience is running thin, my nerves are just fucked to hell. I just don't feel at home here, anymore. He is ruining everything. I mean, I am really happy that you don't let him get into your head anymore and that you keep interacting with Jamie just like you always used to, but how in the world can you be so calm? How in the world can you just sit there and act like nothing happened when he calls you a pedophile, because you kissed Jamie on the cheek? I almost killed him! How can you not?"

"I grew up with him. It's just the way he's always been. You beating the crap out of him was what he wanted. You proved his opinion about you right. Gave him even more ammunition."

Jarah whirled around so fast it almost got her whiplash. She stared at him not being able to believe her ears.

"So now it's MY fault that he's being a dick? Geez, thanks for your undying support, Daryl!"

"That's not what I was fucking saying and you know it. Calm the fuck down, you're giving yourself a heart attack."

"Your brother is giving me a fucking heart attack!" Jarah rubbed her forehead and sighed, collecting her thoughts or a moment. "I'm sorry, I know that's not what you meant. I'm just a little on edge, I guess."

"I know,... you've been pulling away, too!"

"No I haven't! Not from you!"

"No not from me, but from the group. You avoid the meeting room like the plague."

"And for good reason. I'd rather eat alone in here in peace and quiet, than being badgered the whole time." Jarah sat down next to him on the bed and leaned her head against his shoulder. Daryl wrapped his arm around her to pull her closer and kissed the top of her head.

"You gotta keep fighting. It's the beginning of your farm days all over again, girl. If you start hiding more, the attacks are gonna get worse, because you won't be used to people as much anymore. Don't go back there. I don't want you to live in fear again. I've seen you after your nightmares and hardcore attacks. Don't want that to start happening more often. Just keep going, keep ignoring him, just shut him out. Otherwise you let him win and I thought we agreed that wasn't gonna happen?"

"Just when did you turn into a therapist?" She angled her head to look up at him smiling.

"I'm serious. Fuck, I know you're already doing a hell of a lot for me, but, can you do this for me, too? Keep staying strong?"

"I can't promise you that I'll be able to be around Merle, but I promise you that I'll try!"

"Fair enough, I guess!" Daryl leaned down for a little peck, but stilled before his lips made contact. "You're still breathing different!"

Jarah took his hand and put it on her chest to press it against her heart. "My heart's still racing, too. Takes about 15 to 20 minutes until it's over."

Wish I could take it away." He let his lips move over hers, pressing soft kisses against them. "This helpin' any?"

Jarah smiled and fought a giggle at that. Her big, tough badass was just such a cutie sometimes.

"Yeah, that definitely helps. Thank you!"

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Two weeks later...

"I don't know why you won't listen Merle! I told you, Rick will kick you out, if you keep dumping on Jarah like that. Why can't you just let it be! I know you can be different! I've seen it!"

Carol studied him closely, not able to understand why the elder Dixon just wasn't able to let go of his anger towards his younger brother's partner. She knew deep down that he was hurt by the fact that Daryl spent more time with his new family, instead of with him, but what Merle didn't understand was, that Daryl spend as little time with him as possible, because he was mad at Merle for making Jarah miserable. He just didn't feel listening to his older brother ramble on about what a pussy he was and what a bitch Jarah was all day long. So he kept his distance, thus infuriating Merle even more. It was a vicious cycle.

Once Jarah and Daryl were out on hunts and runs, Merle was as tame as a little lamb, though. Carol at first wondered, if it was really Merle Dixon that was talking to her on those occasions. He listened to her talk about Sophia and Ed, even shared some of his own stories, hell he even played with Jamie when nobody else was around. He also got along with Hershel for whatever reason, but as soon as Daryl or Jarah showed their faces, he flipped the switch and was back to being a dick.

"Don't you worry about a thing, sweet cheeks! Ain't gonna get kicked out! If they wanted me gone, they would have already kicked me out on my ass. I'm here to stay! Officer Rick knows he needs me. The old folks aren't up for watch anymore as much as I am. This group is weak. Barely anyone left to be able to fight, the Bony Bitch has got to protect her son, so that leaves Daryl, the Sheriff, Short Round and his girlfriend and me. You need me here, whether you like it or not!"

Carol knew it was true. Rick had said so himself and Merle had been smart enough to figure it out. The group needed all the hands on deck they could get. There was no more false sense of security like there had been on the farm. They knew they had to be alert and ready all the time. Hershel and Dale were helpful, kept watch and walked the fences as much as possible, but in the end they wouldn't be able to do more than shoot their rifles from the windows, if push came to shove. When they had lost T-Dog, Shane and Andrea, they had lost a lot of manpower. Merle was a tornado, capable of surviving damn near anything, one-armed or not. Rick didn't like it, but he really did need Merle. In this case he just couldn't be considerate towards Jarah, he had more people to think about than just her.

"I'm just saying Merle, your behavior is not earning you any brownie points with Daryl. You gotta see that, right?" Carol tried once again to make him see the error of his ways, just like countless times before, hoping that this time it would work. She knew they could all get along, she had seen a different side of Merle. If only he wouldn't be this stubborn.

"What I see is my baby brother turning his back on his own blood. And for what?"

"You tell me, Merle. For what?" Jarah stood in the doorway, having just returned from a supply run with Rick, Glenn and Maggie.

"He is betraying his brother for a worthless, whiney, weak and cowardly little slut like you!"Merle growled dangerously while he slowly advanced on Jarah.

"Merle, you stop this right now!" Carol jumped up from the couch and tried to get Merle to back off.

"I'm just startin' sweet cheeks! This bitch needs to be put in her place and since my brother isn't man enough to do it himself, I'm gonna have to do it for him!"

"Merle this isn't helping anything. Just leave her alone! She never did anything to you!"

"Oh but she did! She's to blame for my brother being all screwed up in the head. She is responsible that he stopped looking for me. She's the reason why he is barely looking at me now! Don't know what he sees in you. Pretty face sure, but the rest? You look like a fucking boy! You call those tits? You're a flat board with two buttons! My baby brothers gotta be all banged up from rattling your fucking ugly boy bones, Miss Boo-Hoo-My-Parents-Didn't-Want-Me! I'm not surprised they hated you. Strutting around the place like you're the queen of fucking Georgia! You are nothing! A worthless waste of air and space!"

By now Merle was directly in her face, their noses almost touching as they stared at each other, neither backing down, until Merle was roughly shoved away from her. Jarah was more than surprised to see, that it was Glenn.

"That is enough. Back off already! Nothing that comes out of your mouth is true, so just shut it, because YOU are wasting air!"

"Woah, China Man has grown some balls I see! Coming to the rescue of the precious queen! Y'all are just a bunch of pussies, dumbass pussies, nothing more! Pathetic!" Merle finally backed off and walked back to the couch, while Maggie grabbed Jarah's hand and pulled her out of the room.

"Are you okay? You don't look so good!"

"Yeah I'm fine, adrenalin is just wearing off I guess. I'll just lay down a bit!"

"Okay, holler if you need anything. I'll see you in a little bit!"

"Thanks, Maggie!" Jarah gave the younger woman a grateful smile before she closed the door behind her. She needed to be alone to process. Merle knew how to get to her and she had a hard time dealing with it. Fear was beginning to spike in her stomach and she knew, she was in for another anxiety attack.

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Daryl came back from hunting only a couple of minutes later. He'd been back a while, but had spent time in the garage gutting his kills and prepping them for the women to cook for dinner, before coming in.

He went to the bathroom to wash his hands after dropping of the meat in the kitchen and then went to the room he shared with Jarah to get out of his bloody clothes. He forgot all about changing into clean clothes as soon as he laid eyes on her.

She was sitting on the floor in the little space between the bed and the wall. She was pale and sweaty and she was desperately gasping for air while clutching her chest.

He let his crossbow fall onto their bet, dropping to his knees in front of her at the same time.

"Fucking hell, Jar! What's wrong! Look at me!" she was staring right through him.

"I'm dying... can't breathe,... my chest... my heart... it hurts!" Jarah was gasping, desperately trying to pull air into her lungs. Daryl was momentarily paralyzed with fear. If she had a heart attack, there was nothing they could do.

He jumped to his feet and tore the door open, yelling for Hershel at the top of his lungs. The old farmer came hurrying down the hallway a moment later, along with Rick, Carol and Maggie, who instantly knew that something was wrong for Daryl to be screaming for the vet like that.

"What's wrong, son?"

"It's Jar, I think she's having a heart attack, you gotta help her!"

That spurred Hershel into action and into walking a little faster than he already was, while the others couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"Oh God, I should have stayed with her. She wasn't looking good, but she said she was fine. She just wanted to lay down! I'm sorry Daryl!" Maggie was apologizing, but Daryl didn't even listen. He was hovering behind Hershel, who had now dropped on his knees in front of Jarah.

He pressed his ear against her chest and pressed two fingers against the pulse point on her wrist.

"Her heart and her pulse are racing. Jarah, it's Hershel... I need you to slow your breathing okay? Where does it hurt?"

"My chest... can't breathe!"

"Does this arm hurt?" he gently shook her left arm.

"No, my chest, it's tight... I can't breathe!" she gasped, her speech slurred, she started to get seriously lightheaded.

"What's wrong with her, man? Is she gonna make it? What's happening! Talk to me!" Daryl was close to a panic, he could see that she was near passing out and in his mind it meant she was really dying.

"Calm down, son. Everybody else out! Move it!" Everybody except for Daryl cleared out and Hershel shook Jarah a little.

"Look at me, I need you to slow your breathing or you are gonna pass out. You are not dying. Just breathe! Slower. Pay attention to me! Breathe with me! Daryl, get me a paper bag from the kitchen! Quick!"

Daryl dashed out of the room and returned with the bag in record time. Hershel took it and made Jarah breathe into it.

"That really works?" Daryl was surprised, he always thought it was just something someone in TV had made up.

"Simple, but it works. Relax, I think she is just having a severe panic attack. She'll be doing fine in a couple of minutes. Her breathing is slowing down, that's good."

"Nah man, I've seen her panic attacks, even when they were bad, they were nothing like this. It's gotta be something else! A panic attack can't make her heart hurt!" Daryl was worried that Hershel was being too lax and that something could still go wrong.

"You'd be surprised, Daryl. The mind is a powerful thing. Did she experience any attacks lately? Do you know?

"Every day. For the past three weeks she had at least one every day. Sometimes more!" Daryl replied, making Hershel nod in understanding.

"Since Merle... Well then this was probably just the natural progression after the confrontation they had just a couple minutes ago. Was too much for her, I reckon."

"Confrontation? What confrontation?" Daryl was confused. After the day Jarah had punched Merle for calling Daryl a pedophile, they had pretty much steered clear and Jarah had done her best to ignore his taunts.

"Merle started in on her again. Said some hurtful things. I wasn't in the room, but I heard him. Glenn broke them up."

"Broke them up, what do you mean? They fought? Physically?"

"No but from what Maggie said, Merle got very much into her face, staring her down... wasn't pretty."

Daryl had heard enough. Everybody had given his brother a chance, but he kept pissing all over them. He had made Jarah miserable, forced her back into having attacks and hiding in their room and now this. Daryl was filled with red hot rage. Playtime was over.

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Daryl stomped into the meeting room, his chest heaving and a murderous scowl on his face. His fists were clenching into tight balls at his sides, making the well-defined muscles in his arms bunch while he advanced on Merle.

"Yeah, right, lemme guess! Your whiney bitch told you everything mean ol' Merle said to her, didn't she? Can't keep her damn trap shut!" Merle stood from the couch. He would never admit or show it, but he was surprised. He had never in his entire life seen Daryl THIS angry. He looked like steam was about to blow out of his ears.

Daryl didn't respond, he kept advancing on Merle until they were chest to chest, but didn't stop until he had Merle pinned against the wall. He was breathing hard through his nose while he stared his older brother down, having to fight his instincts to beat him to a bloody pulp with everything he had.

"What now, baby brother? What's your plan? Wanna fight me over a little spat with your girlfriend? What are you, still in highschool?" Merle just didn't know when to shut up, so he kept taunting Daryl, kind of curious to find out what his brother would do.

Daryl kept staring at Merle for a long moment, before he grabbed his shirt with both fists and slammed his back into the wall once. Merle tried to pry Daryl's hands off of him, but the younger Dixon held on tight and didn't budge.

"Pack your shit! You're out of here! And if you ever show your fucking face around here again, I will put a bolt through you!" Daryl growled menacingly.

"Daryl, calm down, let's handle-" Rick tried to step in, but earned a glare so full of rage that it made him take a step back.

"I AM handling it! This time you don't get to decide!"

"This group is weakened Daryl, we need his help!" Rick carefully walked over in case he had to separate the brothers.

"We don't need his help. The only person he is helping is himself! You saw her, saw what he fucking caused! Can't have him around anymore!"

"Daryl you gotta be reasonable here, we-"

"No, I gotta look out for my family. Isn't that what you told me a couple of weeks back when this shit started? Didn't you promise to handle things? Now you changed your tune! You don't fucking need him. You are just trading one group member for him. Thought you were her fucking friend. With friends like you who needs friends? It's either him, or us! Your call!"

With that Daryl stormed back out of the room, swooping Jamie into his arms on the way to take him to see his mother, leaving an awkward silence in his wake.

Rick closed his eyes and rubbed his hands through his face. What a fine mess this whole thing had become. He had to admit that everything had gone well until Merle had showed up. Merle was causing trouble every day and he was severely weakening one of the strongest members of the group, which also happened to be Rick's partner on runs. Daryl was right. By keeping Merle around, he was weakening Jarah and thus not gaining the help they needed, but merely trading in the person who did the helping.

"You heard your brother,... pack your things and leave!"

"Rick, you can't-" Carol couldn't believe that they were giving up.

"Leave it, Carol. It's been three weeks. He hasn't changed an iota. Daryl is right. He is weakening the group even more. We need Jarah. Things have been better before. The buildings around here have all been cleared out. I'm sure you can find a good place to stay. We will give you some supplies to get you started, but then you're on your own."

Rick said with finality, but on the inside he hated the decision he had to make. He hated sending people out there. Merle was strong, he would be able to do it on his own, of that he was sure, but he wished it could have been different.

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Epilogue

Merle left the next morning, but not without a fight. Daryl literally kicked him out before shutting the gate in his face. He had given up hope for his brother to ever change and accept the life Daryl had chosen for himself. The younger Dixon was at peace with himself after having made the decision. He knew that his life had been better without Merle in it and he was intent on going back to that. He realized that this would be the last time he'd ever lay eyes on his brother ever again and in a way, he really didn't care. He had new priorities, the most important one was making sure that Jarah and Jamie were safe and well cared for. With one last look at Merle's stoic face, Daryl chained up the gate, turned around to walk back to the building and never looked back.

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AN: Well, I guess this is it for now, folks. My heart aches, I've spent every day with those two crazy kids for 8 whole weeks. It's weird to have it end. I initially wanted to give you 40 chapters, but I just didn't see any sense to drag it out for two more chapters right now. I know some of you wanted me to get Merle and Carol together and I had entertained that idea for a while, but in the end, to me, Merle was just not that much of a redeemable character. I know a lot of people will disagree with my view, but I always thought, that Daryl was better off without him and watching Season 4 so far, is confirming my opinion. He is completely free now to be who he wants to be.

I am thinking about writing kind of an "What if"-story. What if Jarah really had offered Daryl a drink and he had accepted back when they first met in her apartment building. Maybe some of you let me know what they think. I might also just write some smutty one-shots here and there. Little glimpses into what Jarah and Daryl are up to during their alone time. I am always open to suggestions, if there is something you desperately want them to do, lemme hear it.

Thank you for reading everybody. Thank you to everybody who follows and especially to the ones who reviewed. NanamiYatsumaki and katie93319, big hugs for your neverending support. You guys were with me pretty much from the start right up til the end.

I'll see y'all around!