Chapter 37: Cold (Maxwell)

I felt bitter and helpless and it was my own damn fault.

I had literally been an emotional and pitiful wretch the solid week between Christmas and New Years.

I didn't answer phone calls, I didn't respond to knocks on my door, and I didn't leave my bed if I didn't need to.

And knowing that Quinn had a key to the bottom lock, I had locked the top.

There was no way that I was going to let anyone come to my pity party.

The entire time, I was nothing like my former self and I was quickly growing disgusted with it.

With all my self-loathing, I had even missed the birth of my nephew Johnny.

Mami had even flown straight from Puerto Rico to New York to be with Sandra.

So not even she could save me from myself

I was feeling pitiful and disgusting.

My hygiene had taken a serious hit and I was sure that I smelled to the high heavens.

Depression had bitten me square in the ass and wasn't letting go.

I cried, I screamed, I wrote depressing prose and blasted emo music until I was nauseous.

I had fallen asleep like usual hating the world and all that existed and then one day just like that I got up.

Enough was enough.

It was the second day of the New Year and I had enough of the simpering mess that I had become.

It was as if Sue Sylvester had somehow climbed into my head and was ridiculing the mess that I had made of myself, except the voice was my own.

I didn't look anything like myself.

I avoided my own gaze in the mirror and threw open a window to air out the room.

That's how bad I smelled.

Shit!

When did it get so cold?

Right, it was January!

I slammed the window shut and just settled for turning on the ceiling fan.

I walked to the end of my bed and ripped off all my sheets,

I wanted to throw them away or burn them, anything to keep me from crawling right back into them and crying again.

Don't get me wrong, I still felt miserable but I just kept forcing myself to keep pushing past the tears and the internal bitching.

My first shower in a week was like heaven on Earth.

It felt like a years' worth of grime was coming off of my body.

I stayed under the scalding water until it began to freeze me.

My stomach rumbled which surprised me because I hadn't shown hunger symptoms in a while.

Then again, without them, I was still pregnant so I should have been eating.

I was embarrassed to be able to say that I hadn't showered or eaten since last year and it was that kind of thinking that had kicked my ass into high gear.

I was committed to going back into McKinley the same confident bitch that I had always been.

It was time to get back to being myself.

School was supposed to start back up in two days and I wasn't the least bit prepared.

I was now four months along and my stomach had decided to start showing within the last week while I lay there like a slug.

None of my clothes fit me except my sweats, which was highly unacceptable.

I could hear the mall calling my name from miles away.

But first I had to deal with the state of my apartment.

I had been lax in my cleaning and should have been more diligent with my habits since I hate vermin but I obviously didn't give a flying fuck about any of that before now.

I threw on my sweats and I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, one handed and with ease.

I had built up such a store of energy that I blew through that place in no time at all.

I was packing away my Christmas tree when I saw the gift from Azimio still sitting on my coffee table with the journal from Q.

The big pregnancy pillow was the only gift to actually make it to my bedroom a week ago,

Which honestly was the reason that I was able to lay there for so long, damned comfortable ass pillow!

I picked up the book and took a seat in my groove on the couch.

The book wasn't insanely long and so I wanted to give it a once over just in case I saw Z and he asked about it.

What I wasn't expecting was to get sucked into the damn thing.

The very first page was a short how-to list of ten things that I should be doing right now to get the most out of my pregnancy.

I hadn't gotten any of them right in quite some time and even then it was because I had people holding my hand.

Rule #1-NO self pity…it's useless and a time killer (something you don't have!)

Rule #2-DON'T prove them right…they already have assumptions (are YOU making it worse? See Rule #1)

Rule #3-PAMPER yourself while you can because after a couple of months there will be only one kind of pampers and it isn't yours!

Rule #4-PLAN because you only have a short time to set up your future success and if you are in school it's even shorter!

Rule #5-KEEP your friends close…nothing can kill a friendship like this pregnancy can. So if you have a good network, don't mess it up…do everything to make it stronger because you will need them.

Rule #6-EAT well, eat enough, and be healthy. You may be suffering and depressed but why punish the baby you are fighting so hard to keep?

Rule #8-EXERCISE…the healthier you are the less complications down the road.

Rule #9-EMBRACE life because it's stupid not to!

Rule #10-LIVE your life as if it's just starting not like its coming to an end.

I threw the book down and got my ass up.

No time like the present to fix some things.

I would focus on fixing me first and then I would worry about my friendship network when I got back to school.

And I even hummed as I brushed my hair, my teeth and then fried an egg.

Suddenly, I was all in on getting better.

I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I finished the egg and felt like I was going to pass out from not having more.

Starving, I sat at my dining room table and stared at my plate.

I kept thinking of rule # 5.

Maybe waiting another two days would only make things harder.

Fixing things with Britt could wait until then.

In that moment I realized how much I was squandering a damn good resource, Q.

Who else my age in Lima went through a teen pregnancy and walked away stronger than ever?

Only my best friend since I was six!

"Hello?" She said in a sing song voice.

Obviously she hadn't checked to see who was calling first.

"Hi Quinn."

My voice was rusty from misuse but I pushed forward.

She gasped and I fought not to roll my eyes.

"San? Are you okay?"

"Yea. Are you busy today?"

"Um….hold on a sec." I heard her put the phone down and start whispering. Then it rustled as she got back on the line. "No, free and clear. What's up?"

"I wanted to go shopping and I thought maybe you would want to come with. Plus Mani's and Pedi's are much more fun with company. What do you say?"

"Okay. Sure!"

"Oh and Q, have you eaten, yet?"

My growling stomach wouldn't let me forget that I was in fact starving.

I heard her choke back a giggle which made me certain that Rachel was or had been there when I called.

Gross.

"Um…no not yet."

"Meet me at the We Lime in twenty minutes?"

"See you there!" She said excitedly before hanging up.

Boom!

Rules 3, 5, 6 and 9 just like that!

I could follow this check list.

Maybe it would help me to focus and get through this.

When I got in my car I realized that maybe driving wasn't something I should be attempting with this heavy ass cast in my way and ice on the roads.

The pain had dulled a little bit and I wasn't sure that I wanted to aggravate it.

Note to self never punch anything with primary my hand!

I grabbed my phone out of my purse and sat back and acknowledged to myself that it was okay to ask for help.

My back was a bit sore from all the movement and I knew that I was making the right decision.

I had the seat warmers on high and it was soothing my aching body...why hadn't I thought of this before?

Man I had been really out of it.

"Hello?"

"Q, its me again…do you think you could come over here and pick me up?"

"Umm…sure."

"It's the cast…"

"Right, I'll be there in a sec!"

She must have already been on the road because true to her word she literally came pulling up beside me in the parking lot a few seconds later.

When she got out her car, I could see that she was well tanned and smiling really huge.

Someone had a great week without me.

I sighed and tried my best to smile.

She opened my car door and I stepped out and stood in front of her on shaky feet.

We stood there only a moment before she wrapped her arms around me and held on tight.

She smelled awesome and it immediately calmed down my sudden bout of nerves.

"I missed you so much San!"

"Thanks." I said before pulling out of the hug and smiling.

I wasn't sure if the smile was genuine but I knew that I was feeling better already.

"Did you go tanning?" I asked as I strapped myself in her car.

"Actually, I went to see my sister in San Francisco for a few days...got to actually sit by the pool."

"Oh...sounds nice."

"Mmm...not as fun as when I do it with you."

"Nice to hear."

"Yea...I'm sure it is. I really did miss you."

As dorky as it sounds, knowing that Quinn missed me, made me feel loved.

It was nice...to feel loved.

Having Quinn with me while I was shopping for maternity clothes proved to be a godsend.

There is no one that gets me like Q does.

She kept me away from anything that fell too close to Rachel Berry or Mercedes Jones territory.

I mean don't get me wrong, Aretha can dress but I think my style is a bit better.

It also helped that I didn't really have a budget, so I could afford to lean a little more pricey, although I tried not to do that too much either.

After lunch in the food court, we shopped more.

Quinn finally convinced me that I looked like a ghost so I got a spray tan and then we went and got our feet did and our nails shined to utter perfection.

I needed this badly!

Thank God for Q being so amazing and Azimio for that book!

We had shopped like crazy and I had even bought Quinn an, I'm sorry I was douche present.

I let her pick it out and she ended up dragging me into a hippie looking store.

Even though I moaned and groaned, I was definitely checking out some of the stuff.

When Quinn picked out this dress that I coveted from the moment that I saw it, I pouted.

It only came in three sizes, none of them higher than a 6.

Q caught my sad look and pouted back at me.

"Don't worry, San I'll let you borrow it after you lose your baby weight."

"Gee thanks!" I said as I swiped my debit card.

Who knew if that was going to ever happen...then again, with my ability to go days without eating, it was a probability.

Overall, It had been a successful shopping trip and I was doing my best to stick to the rules of the book and be pleasant.

Even Quinn noticed and commented on it a few times.

You know, for me, it is really fucking hard to be nice when you haven't done it on a regular basis but I was making a damn good effort.

Q pulled up to my apartment building and parked next to my car.

I thought that she was just dropping me off, so when I went to grab my bags out of her hands and she shook her head and started walking inside.

I was a little surprised.

When we walked into the apartment she looked around somewhat shocked.

"I expected this place to look like a dump…I mean this is the first time that you have seen daylight in what a month?"

"I cleaned it before I called you." I said as I shut the door behind me.

She nodded in understanding and then placed my bags on the floor.

I suddenly felt very heavy and needed to sit down.

"Now that all the shopping is done we have to talk."

"About what?" I asked as I propped my feet up on the coffee table and rubbed my belly.

Watching Quinn try on all those cute small clothes made me feel like a big disgusting blimp.

"You."

"What about me?"

"San, you have got to get it together. You're pregnant not dying. You look thinner then you should. I mean before today when was the last time you ate?"

"I can't remember" I said feeling ashamed of myself.

"My godchild is too young to be on a Cheerios diet." She said putting her hands on her hips and looking down at me.

"I know its just I feel gross lately and just fat!"

"You're not fat, you're pregnant for God's sake."

I felt a new wave of tears coming on and covered my face with my hand.

I knew that I had been neglecting my daily rituals but I had been so wrapped up in a world of depression that I was still trying to shake.

She dropped down on the couch beside me, pulled my hand from my face and rubbed her hands across my belly.

"Don't cry honey…this precious life in here will be with us soon enough and then you can go back to being that sexy bitch you like to be so much!"

"I'm not sexy now? Like, would you do me?"

"Um…what? Do you? What an odd thing to say. Anyway, I think you are one of the hottest, sexiest pregnant women that I have ever seen."

"You mean that?"

"Absolutely!"

"Thanks Q!"

"Now, I am going to run home and grab my Cheerios uniform and then I'm coming back to stay with you tonight, okay?" she said nodding her head so that I would nod my head along with her and I did.

"I won't lock the door."

"It doesn't matter because I have a key remember?"

"Then why didn't you visit before today?"

"Because a true best friend knows when to step back and wait it out and honey I am the queen of waiting!"

"Sure…that's how you got pregnant right?"

She plucked my arm and stood up in mock anger.

"That was so rude!"

"But you still love me!"

"Only on Sundays."

"Well I guess I'm in luck today!"

She stuck her tongue out as she shut the door behind her.

I made myself get up and pick up the bags off the floor and I felt my back crack and not in the good way.

I moaned out and there was no one there to hear me.

I missed Britt so much and wished that we could fix this, that we could get over this dumb "break" shit and work it out like adults.

I was going to try to talk to her tomorrow or at some point this week.

Maybe I could get her back in my arms.

I just had to swallow my pride…which is no easy feat.

I expected to be ostracized and picked on when I walked through the school doors but nothing had changed.

Everyone was just bustling around like normal.

I breathed a sigh of relief, I had been waiting for pregnant lesbian jokes but they never came.

Then I saw Jacob Ben Israel on his way over to me but one of the football players stepped in his way and made him run in the opposite direction.

I smiled and headed straight to my locker hoping to avoid seeing Britt a little longer, I wasn't ready to talk to her just yet.

I needed to prepare myself with the right words and the right apologies.

When I got to my locker unscathed, I turned around suddenly and realized that I was being watched by several football players but not in that joking slushy way but in a protective way.

People had been going out of their way to walk around me.

I spotted Sam walking by and I grabbed his jacket sleeve.

I leaned in and whispered in his ear.

"Hey Trouty, What's with the football team?"

"After practice this morning Azimio put a ban against slushying you and he asked the football team to enforce it, so now you have your own personal bodyguards."

"Wow, that fucking rocks!" I said as I grabbed what I needed for my class. Sam lingered a little longer than I liked, so I finally decided to pay him some attention so he would leave faster. "Spill it. What do you want?"

"So are you with him now? Is that his baby?" he asked while stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"No and no, he's just a really good friend."

I was surprised that I meant that honestly as I said it and it felt good.

I closed my locker leaned in gave Sam a kiss on the cheek and walked off to my first class.

I made it all morning with not a change to my usual school schedule.

Everyone stayed of my way and when I walked the hallways it was like I was in my Cheerios uniform again instead of a track suit.

When, I got to my locker and was feeling a million times better than yesterday and was actually looking forward to eating something, that changed.

Peacefully, I rubbed my belly and then opened the locker so I could put stuff away and grab my purse.

I had just put my books in my locker and was about to close it when I felt the cold and sticky feeling of a slushy being poured over my head.

You could hear a pin drop in the hallways, as I stood there covered in blue slush.

The sound of my scream was probably heard in China.

I still hadn't moved but I had begun to cry and I mean flat-out sob.

Over the last day, I had worked so hard to get myself to a point of comfort and happiness and then this shit had to happen.

Was my happiness too much?

I was going to kill whoever it was that fucked up my day!

Finally I turned and saw Britt holding the empty plastic cup in her hand, staring down at me with harsh blue eyes.

I could see why the football players were nervous, who would have thought that Britt would do this.

I mean she was the only Cheerio that bought slushies and actually drank them.

Plus, who would want to get in between me and Britt to stop something like this...other than Quinn?

My eyes were stinging and my pride was wounded.

I was furious that she would do this to me, her of all people should know to leave a happy Santana the fuck alone!

All my resolve to fix things went flying right out the fucking window.

"We are so over do you hear me Brittany Pierce? WE ARE OVER! Fuck you!"

"You don't get to decide that on your own, Santana!"

"Yes the hell I do! What the fuck were you trying to prove just now?"

"I just wanted to get you to talk to me and it worked."

"Yea well, fuck you! How's that for talking?"

I reared back to slap her but two things happened simultaneously, someone grabbed my arm before I could make contact but not before I watched the love of my life flinch away in fear like I was Marco fucking Vega.

Britt stood there with her eyes scrunched shut as I was yanked away from her.

Sue Sylvester had the sleeve of my sweater in a death grip as she pulled me into her office.

I heard the door shut behind us and saw Quinn standing there arms crossed and face burning in anger.

"Lopez, Q here tells me that you have decided to become like your husband and torture Brittany. I didn't believe her until I just witnessed you about to slap her in front of the whole student body. This is unacceptable."

"Q, should mind her own fucking business."

"You are my fucking business, who looks out for you like I do? Nobody!" Quinn screeched.

"Does no one give a shit about me just being slushied? I'm pregnant!"

"There are worse things, you still have your baby, San."

"Yea well that was your damn decision."

I knew that I was saying things to her that I could never take back but I was hurting.

I was tearing at a wound that was only just healing.

My pride was vicious almost as vicious as my words and I could see what I was doing but did she?

"She was only reacting to you ignoring her all day."

"I told you that I would talk to her and I was going to at lunch! Was all this really necessary?" I asked gesturing to my blue tinted clothes and skin. "I'm done with her Q. And I'm done with everything else too, unless it has to do with my classes I don't want any part in it."

"What about glee club?"

"Fuck the glee club I'm done!" I screamed out.

"San?"

"Fuck you, Lucy!"

I didn't bother staying for the rest of the school day, I grabbed my expensive leather coat and pulled it over my sticky clothes.

There was a pounding in my head, I was outraged.

I didn't grab my books or even look back to see if I was being followed, I just strutted out the school and headed home.

Fuck McKinley.

By the time I got to the door of my apartment my clothes had become frozen solid and my skin was burning from the ice.

It took me almost ten minutes to get my hand to stop shaking long enough to get my key in the lock.

Sadness seeped from my pores.

I was back to feeling depressed but now I was angry on top of that.

I stood in my doorway and just allowed the heat to absorb into my skin.

"You should really get in here and shower before you get sick."

When I heard her voice in my apartment, I slammed the door and stormed towards her.

Britt stood there in my kitchen in a pair of my sweats acting like I should have expected her to be there.

A/N: It's been awhile, thanks for the story alerts. I am working through this story the best that I can and I think it may end up in two parts. Let me know what you think...and to my anon reviewer the answer to your question is that a lot of this story is based on my actual experience...everything else just comes from my manic nights! :)

Read & Review and I shall bless you with more! Like tomorrow ;)

-A