"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part XXXVII…
When I was but a boy, gentle reader, just starting college at 11, I pondered the works of the great artist/inventor…Though his lack of ability in Physics perhaps hobbling his claim to truly superior genius…DaVinci, in particular his one-man flying machine…
Which, of course, though divinely elegant in its bird-inspired design, was fatally handicapped by its creator's failure to appreciate the basics of power to mass. Had Leonardo spent less time studying birds and anatomy and more on either the application of the ratio of power to mass or, with the practicality of an Edison searching out the best incandescent filament for his light bulb, the superiority of lighterweight materials, his machine might well have been a practical success…A point which I went to considerable lengths to illustrate in a paper that year where I offered theoretical suggestions toward the redesign of his device which you can read in…But I digress, this being a literary effort…
My point being that I was quite familiar with the problems inherent in one man flight and the ineffectuality of attempting to flap one's way into the sky without additional motive or aerodynamic support. So that in my water-hose-powered catapult launch from Charlotte's escape ladder, I viewed the problem not as an attempt at flight…Flailing arms and legs in a vain attempt to keep aloft as some…Including an experimental physicist of my acquaintance…Might do. But, as a projectile equation…The projectile, namely me, requiring in fact the least amount of aerodynamic interference if it was to reach its target, namely the hotel roof…And neither miss said roof by falling short nor strike the blades of Charlotte's hovering escape helicopter, in either case with likely fatal result…
I had of course in estimating that the correct point of the pendulum swing of the helicopter ladder bearing myself and Charlotte would be about seventy degrees, allowed for a slight margin of error…Though very slight. All now depending on my Amy Farrah Fowler's first interpreting my reference to the hose used to pull her up to the roof from the ledge where we'd confronted my nemesis Charlotte…And then striking the ladder with said hose at the right angle at a point above where I clung for dear life as the ladder swung out in arc, its movement increased deliberately by my swinging pump…
Charlotte of course had realized, though too late, what I was attempting, but could not interfere, given she was below me on the ladder and in imminent peril herself…Forced to cling tight for her own life…
Rather like the man on that flying trapeze, a favorite song of my beloved Meemaw, I sailed through the air…Having released at what I determined was the most precise moment to do so for reaching my target…
A bit annoying, really…Having to concede the value once again of experimental Physics…Indeed, staking my life on it. Still…I maintain it was Theory that was my guide here…And will discuss it thoroughly in my upcoming paper soon to come to a Journal of Applied Theoretical Physics near you…
Unless you should happen to live in some academically forsaken place like East Texas…In which case, order it on-line or through interlibrary loan. Though I recommend on-line to avoid people asking such questions as "'Applied Theeoretical Physics'?...What the hell's that?" and quite possibly threatening to give you nuggies…
Anyway, where was I?…Yes…Sailing through the air, with the greatest of ease…Or perhaps in this case, unease…
Not doubting my computational ability or the solidity of my theoretical grounding…But a bit concerned as to exactly where on the roof I might land…And how hard…
Amy, desperately anxious herself, being the chief instrument of my contrived catapulting. Charlotte, horrified at my potential permanent loss to the world and fuming at my likely loss to herself.
My friends, bewildered and simply horrified on the parts of Penny and Bernadette…While Raj and Leonard were torn between uncertain doubt and a degree of admiration for my quick thinking. Gotta hand it to the crazy little…Howard, as an engineer, nodding in approval even as he contemplates my splattering on the roof or the ground below. A fine try, regardless of outcome…
But, as I noted, my flight must needs be suborbital and short. Down I go in a perfect arcing movement…
Prepare for landing…Legs pulled in, arms retracted, head down. Penny casting horrified look as she realizes the endpoint of my flight is likely to be…Her…OW!...OW!...OW!...OWW!...
Well, thank goodness the Blue Fairy was at hand. Of our band, the best possible impact choice…
"Sheldon!" Amy races to me. Leonard likewise to the battered, groaning Penny…Bernadette following…
Whooo…Howard traces the flight arc with finger for Raj… "Perfect…" he nods.
Charlotte, still being pulled up to her modern-day broomstick, shouting something incoherent…No doubt some threat of eternal menace and damnation. But it's too late now and her people and she must flee to escape the police now emerging onto the roof from the hotel stairway…The copter moves off as Charlotte is pulled up and inside…
"Anything broken, sweetheart?" Amy gasping, clinging to me…
"I'm afraid so…" sigh. I pull out my favorite pocket computer/calculator…Smashed beyond repair…
"Took one for the Cooper, eh?" Leonard eyes me from where he kneels by Penny, grinning. Penny apparently knocked breathless but does not seem seriously hurt…Bernadette helping her up with Leonard, gingerly…
"Well done, Sheldon!" Howard, beaming…Raj following. "Or should I say, Mr. Bond?" he indicates my tux.
"Blofeld, female, is in retreat…" Raj points at the copter. "I'd say we've won…"
"Lets get a doctor up here…And not a relative, no offense, Amy…" Leonard urges.
"None taken…I think we'll follow the preferred medical practice of not consulting a relative for the rest of our lives…Together." Amy smiles.
"I'm ok…" Penny informs Leonard and Bernadette… "Oh…" groans on trying to rise to standing with them… "Not ok…Get the doc." They set her down. "Honey…" Leonard, anxious.
"Love to say that makes everything better, but…" Penny smiled, then groaned. "But it…Ohhh…Is the next best thing, you sweet pop…Oh… Tart. Ahhh…"
"Penny?" Amy, anxious.
"I don't think anything's broken…" Bernadette notes. "Just bumps and bruises…Maybe a sprain."
"Bad bruises…" Penny, groaning.
"Ok…Lets have a medical doctor decide this." Leonard insists, tapping phone.
"That's my…MMMN…Husband, there."
"Shut up and lie still." Leonard orders. "Yes, 911…?"
"I think they're already here, dude." Raj points.
Uh…Pulling back at Penny's glare.
Let my husband handle this…Clearly indicated…
"…Yes, I think there's an EMT team here the police…" Leonard continued with phone. "We're over at the roof railing by the helipad. I don't want to move her without them checking her over."
"Sorry, Penny…" I call… "But thank you for providing a fine impact cushion…"
"Yeah, that's my purpose in life, I think…" she calls back, "Is Amy ok?"
"Fine, bestie…And thank you, so much…" Amy, beaming. "You saved my life."
"Ditto and thank you…Bestie." Penny smiled her way, grimacing a moment later.
"What?" Howard eyes Raj, now carefully scanning the skies…
"Just in case the bitch comes back to bomb us or use heat-seeking missiles or something…"
Hmmn…All look at each other…
"Kinda wish you hadn't said that…" Leonard, sighing as he knelt by Penny. "Why don't we see if the nice police officers will help us all downstairs…Quick…?"
"Yeah…We have a party to go to, right?" Penny, trying again, gamely, to rise… "OH…!"
"After you see a doctor…" Leonard, grabbing her arm and gently setting her back down… "Hey! Lil' help over here!..." he waves at one of the advancing policemen…
Oh, Geesh…Martin in his officer's outfit and mask sighs as he approaches. What have you kids been up to tonight?
"Oh, Lord…It's my mother…" Amy, staring at the latest group of people now emerging onto the roof. The manager, Stuart, more police, a bewildered-looking woman, in glasses, bearing a resemblance to Amy…
"How do I tell her Charlotte's out of the wedding party?"
….
One and a half hours later…The grand ballroom of our hotel…
Surprisingly, right on schedule…Guests just arriving, our group in relatively good shape through our Blue Fairy is temporarily in wheelchair, yet determined to attend…
And despite my own rebruised elbow, and bottom, I too am quite bent on cutting the rug with my intended to celebrate the announcement of our forthcoming nuptuals and celebrate our defeat of the Dark Side of my future bride's family…
Amy having assured me in the interim between my fall to the hotel roof and the party that there be no other Fowlers of quite Charlotte's insanity. Only her drug-addicted cousin coming at all close…
As for my family, fortunately the most dangerous members have already managed to fatally injure themselves in various gun-related "accidents" and incidents. The incidents being those too well-witnessed to manage to label "accidents".
Just a few final touches to be made before our entrance, both our costumes requiring minor repairs…Also Amy's very perturbed mother needing considerable attention from her daughter to allow her to deal with the news that Charlotte had been "called back" to France by an "emergency"…
Bit ironic the woman whose lack of attention had played no small part in our woes of the last few days. Still…Her lack of attention in childhood, followed by a later, desperate clinging, had played a part in the formation of Amy Farrah Fowler's noble spirit. And I suppose I must be grateful for that and bear the Darker Side…
And since I am not currently enroute to Paris under medication or bound and gagged on a boat to the Fijian islands, fair enough…
…..
My colleague, ex-roommate, and best friend… Leonard Hofstadter, a rather pleased man himself given the outcome for him of a reunion with his beloved Penny, once again in full Viennese gentleman's costume, having recovered the cape that had done us valid service…Complete with cane…Descending the rather majestic hotel ballroom balcony stairs, Raj by his side. Penny still in room being prepared by Bernadette…Both gentlemen in their masks…Raj, raising champagne glass…
"Leonard, what a splendid party…I trust, the prologue to a bright new year…"
"What? Raj, why are you singing?..."
"The music, dude…Get in the spirit…" he notes.
Hmmn…The masquerade scene from "Phantom of the Opera"? Leonard, listening…
That's their choice of music?
Well, hell…Why not? It is a masquerade party…Shrug and grin, raising cane debonairly…
"Quite a night, I'm impressed…"
"Well, we did our best." Raj , offering glass which Leonard grinning, takes…Clink…
"Here's to us…"
"I will say all the same I'm not sad that that psycho isn't here…" Leonard…
"Masquerade…" the music is turned up as the ballroom doors open for our arriving guests… "Paper faces on parade…Masquerade…Hide your face so the world will never find you…"
Rather to Leonard and Raj's amazement, in addition to my mother and sister, Stuart's family, and various family friends, a pretty fair crowd from the University. Led by Dr. Gabelhauser, our chairman, himself…In a hilariously comic outfit…
Albert Einstein…Wig and sweater…
Bhawa…. The man is too much…It's as if Howard came as me.
"For Amy, right?" Leonard hisses…
"That and free food…Excellent booze…And a chance to wear costumes and not be labeled one of us." Raj notes.
"Masquerade…Paper faces on parade…Masquerade…You can fool anyone who ever knew you…"
"Gentlemen…Cute, Hofstadter…" supposed physicist and fraudulent peddler of incoherent nonsense masquerading as theories, Lesley Winkle in Cleopatra outfit….Moves up the stairs to them… "Remind me to keep my nine-year old niece away from you tonight, Sigmund…"
"Nice asp…" Leonard notes.
"Naturally…" she nods. "If you're a good Viennese pervert maybe I'll let you feel it later…"
"Sorry, he's back with the Blue Fairy…" Raj, shrug.
"I thought the Fairy and the weird neurobiologist who looks like Margaret Hamilton hitching up were the reason we were here."
"Ha, ha…" Raj chuckling.
"I thought you couldn't squeak to girls…Zorro…" Lesley eyes Raj…
"Douglas Fairbanks Sr. Zorro…" he corrects. "And I overcame that a while ago."
"Nice…Pity I came out a few months ago. And hooked up with someone. I wouldn't've minded trying Indian." Lesley grins.
Hmmn…Raj eyes Leonard…
Is this karma good or…
"Trust me…You're getting a blessing from the gods." Leonard hissed.
"On the other hand, it would be sexist of me not to be as open in relationships with women as I was with men and my girl's been a bitch this month, so you may yet get lucky, Koothrappali. So where is the dumbass threatening to breed and destroy the world?" Lesley asked, taking a glass of champagne from a waiter.
Sighing… "Lesley, could you try and be nice to Sheldon, for one evening? He's been through a lot today. And Amy is a sweet kid…"
"Sure…I'm here to bury the hatchet…" grin.
"Not another one…" Raj, sighing. "Lady, we'll have to kill you. Amy and Sheldon have had enough suffering…"
"He's kidding…" Leonard notes. "Sorta…"
"No, let him go on…I'm curious…" she grins. "What 'suffering' and how does it involve a necessity to kill me?"
"Well, dangerous women in general…Who want to torment our romantic duo, two such lovers as Shakespeare described on his less nasty toward wife Anne and romance in general days." Raj sighs.
"Excuse me?"
"It's the champagne talking…" Leonard, hastily.
"It talks pretty weird. But nice…Come on, Zorro. Lets pretend you're Mark Antony in costume at one of my orgies…" Lesley pulls him. "What can I say?" she eyes the staring Leonard… "I'm not really all that kinky, I'm just costumed that way..."
"Actually…I am that kinky…" she whispers to Raj, leading him downstairs…
"Leonard? Didn't we just defeat kinky?" he calls.
"Kinky and Evil…Lesley's not Evil…Have a nice time…"
Mmmn…Maybe not Evil…Leonard makes a metza-metza gesture with hands...Watching the two go down to the ballroom…
But Howard deserves an Raj-free evening to settle things with Bernadette anyway…
"Leonard?! Your Fairy is lonely!" the newly emerged from dressing room Penny calls from wheelchair on the floor. Her statement belied by the swirl of people around her, including he notes, a number of good-looking guys from Pharmacology and…
Crap… Kurt 1.0?…How'd he get an invite?
"We're coming Sheldon!" Lesley calls back from below, Raj on her arm, looking rather anxious.
Penny looking back at the source of irritation…Kurt offering nodding grin, raising glass.
Damnit, bestie…That was only Plan B and no longer necessary…But I guess there really wasn't time to alter the guest list what with all the stuff going on…She wheeled hurriedly away, toward Leonard.
Maybe I can accidentally on purpose run over his foot when the Hofstadters make the rounds of friends and the colleague guys...Can't believe he came…After I went and clobbered him when Sheldon told me what he'd done to Leonard that night when Leonard went after him for my money.
"Hey…" she beamed at Leonard as she pulled up hurriedly by his side… "Whatdaya think?" waving arms and wand…And quickly swinging to his side as several guests approach. "Penelope Hofstadter, hi. Oh, Dr. Gablehauser, it's so nice to see you again." Warm smile…
Leonard's narrow look quickly thawing to wry…
"Mrs. Hofstadter?" Gablehauser blinking… "I knew Hofstadter had married…"
"We met when Leonard and I were dating…He brought me to a couple of lectures." Beam.
"Right, I do remember seeing you with Hofstadter…And thinking I must be overpaying him. But is this…" he eyed the chair.
"Just temporary, I was helping Leonard and Sheldon Cooper with an experiment and tripped, I'm fine."
"Well, glad to hear it. Though I do do a good wheelchair if you're dancing tonight."
Chuckle by Penny… "Nice costume."
"Not as nice as yours…" Gablehauser returned smile. "Hofstadter, you've got to bring this wife of yours round the campus more often…You need a manager."
"Yeah…I think so…" Leonard nodded, eyeing Penny's archly puckish look…
That's me…The admin/PR side of team Hofstadter…
"Masquerade…Every face a different shade…Masquerade! Look around -there's another mask behind you!"