Of Tea and Music
Chapter 38:Reminiscing - Spock
He sat on the floor in front of his firepot, legs folded comfortably, back erect, hands resting on his thighs. For some reason, meditation did not come tonight. Inside, he was filled with memories. Very specific memories. His mind organized those memories, brought each one to the front of his mind, considered it, analyzed his reaction to it, went on to the next.
***
The first time he saw her. He was standing in the transporter deck, ready to welcome the newest crew members to the ship. And there she was. He did not even notice that there were others, materializing there. She was the only one he saw. He struggled with the impact, almost reeling with it. He narrowed his perception to that one figure, standing there, glowing with life and health and femaleness. Never had he felt that before - that punch to the gut that said this is a woman - this is the woman. It had been totally, incomprehensibly unexpected. He had been totally unprepared for it. He did not think he had recovered from that shock yet.
***
The first time she looked into his eyes. He had come to her station, to assist her in the interpretation of some noise, some static, that she thought might conceal a message. He had leaned over to listen, and she had turned her face toward him, only centimeters between them. She had looked right into his eyes, and he could think of nothing else. He felt that he could look into her eyes forever. It had been most disorienting. And most enjoyable. He had meditated over that for many days. He had not been able to dismiss the feeling of joy he had felt. It had remained.
***
The first time she asked him a question that confounded him. He had been sitting in the command chair and she had come and leaned on the arm with her elbows, clasping her hands beside her face, looking at him, asking why he did not tell her that he found her attractive. He had almost given himself away then, desperate to know how she had known this. He was sure that he had never given himself away. The desire to touch her face at that point had been so compelling, so urgent, it had taken all his will power to resist. If they had not been on the bridge, surrounded by others, he might not have succeeded.
***
The first time he touched her. There had been an unexpected surge of energy through the area of space where they were. It had shaken the ship, thrown people about. She had fallen, half way between her chair and the command chair, a PADD in her hands, a report needing authorization. He had instantly arisen and gone to her aid, not even realizing until he had his hands on her that he was going to do it. Soft, lovely flesh, covering firm muscles. He had placed his hands in her armpits and lifted her up, back onto her feet. His fingertips had brushed the sides of her breasts, unintentionally. His fingertips had burned for hours with the memory of her. She had smiled at him, thanked him. And he had wanted to thank her for allowing him to touch her, to ask her to allow more. That wish had been highly illogical and he had suppressed it, urgently - and with great difficulty.
***
The first time he felt her emotions. Again he was in the command chair. She had brought him a report to sign. When he had taken the PADD from her, he had brushed against her fingertips. Like a jolt of electricity, her presence had streamed though him, setting him on fire. Without the PADD there to concentrate on, he might have done something most undesirable. She found him attractive? This fact had stayed with him, worrying at him, causing much unrest.
***
The first time that he realized that her voice had the ability to calm him. That time when the terrible contagion had roamed the ship, turning people's inhibitions loose. Lieutenant Sulu had come charging onto the bridge with his epee and when she had tried to talk to him, to disarm him with words, he had grabbed her up and clutched her against him, saying that he would protect the fair maiden. She had said something very strange then, "Sorry, neither." The exact meaning of her words had not registered then, although he had pondered them later. At that moment, he had only been concerned for her safety. When Jim had tried to subdue Sulu, wrestling with him, he had stepped forward and used the nerve pinch to subdue him. And then he had walked past her, back to his own station, confused, when he had wanted to confirm that she was unharmed. But then shortly after that, when he had gone looking for the doctor to see whether the serum he had been testing was working yet, and Nurse Chapel had said those strange things to him, rubbing his hands, and he had tried to removed himself from her, telling her he was in control of his emotions, that he was sorry - he had not been sure exactly what it was that he was sorry about - but the voice from the intercom, speaking his name, asking questions of him, had flowed through him, breaking the strange hold that the nurse had on him, clearing his brain so that he was able to leave the sick bay. He had staggered down the corridor, beset with strange, overwhelming sensations, feelings, out of control, and again, she spoke to him, over the intercom, calling his name. He had looked around, but he could not find her. He had wanted to find her, he had cried because she was not there. He had tried to remind himself that he was in control of his emotions, stumbling into the ready room, collapsing into a chair, he had buried his face in his hands, formed a fist and punched it into his other hand, reminding himself of his duty. He had tried to distract himself with mathematics, counting aloud, and then clenching his hands on the table, had sobbed aloud. And then he had heard her again, over the intercom, telling the captain that she did not know where he was, that he was not on the bridge. He should have been on the bridge, with her, protecting her. He had laid his head on the table, overcome. And then Jim had burst into the ready room, and he had told of his great shame, that he had never told his mother that he loved her, and Jim had shoved him. And when he said that he had been ashamed of his earth blood and the feelings of friendship that he had, Jim had slapped him. Slapped him until he hit back. And then she had called again, her voice cutting through the fog, and he had been able to respond to the captain, to tell him that he knew of a way they could restart the engines. Could he ever have done that without that calm voice to steady him? He did not think so. That voice was his steady strength, cutting through whatever challenged him, bringing him back to himself.
***
The first time he had her in his arms. There on that planet with the seven moons. Totally unexpected, what had happened next. Whatever had possessed him? Such heat. He remembered each detail with great clarity. How her skin had felt, so soft, so cool. How her breath had felt, against his skin, in his ear. How her hands had touched him, caressed him. The overpowering urge to make her his. His astonishment at her acquiescence. His fear that she would not find him acceptable, fulfilling. His great and unexpected delight when she did.
***
He was not supposed to feel these things, these feelings, these emotions. But he did. Only with her. With her they seemed - right, fitting, correct. It was a puzzle to be solved. And he would solve it.
Yes, it was as he had thought. Definitely. shan hal lak. It had just taken him a while to realize what it was. To act on it. Even after that first, intense experience, he had not truly understood what was happening to him. It had taken a while. But looking back, organizing his thoughts, his reactions, analyzing them, had brought him to this conclusion. Fascinating. She was definitely that.
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shan hal lak = the engulfment (love at first sight)