Chapter Thirty-Six: All or Nothing (Send in the Repairs)
(Still) Day Seventy-Three:
It was official. Jessica broke Kilgrave.
In the morning, there was no 'Hello'. There was no 'Good morning'. There was no 'Are you okay?'. There was no 'Do you want breakfast?'.
There was no 'You're a bitch'. There was no 'I can't believe what you said'. There was no 'How could you?!'. There was no 'We need to talk'. There was no 'Here's your punishment…'.
There was nothing but the rules.
He was stone-faced with Jessica, just as he was before. Did he act like this around Ruby as well?!
Jessica found herself feeling sick this morning. Drowning in guilt. What the hell was she thinking last night?!
Nearly everything that came out of her mouth wasn't true. Some of it, she knew were lies. Other parts, she wouldn't admit were lies. Even worse, just last month, she told him he could change. He wanted to change. And as far as she could see, he was changing. It was the small things that counted. And if someone else had been hurt or killed, Jessica would have figured it out by now. But he and Ruby simply bounced around, doing childish things together. He was… better.
But then again, why the fuck should his feelings be her concern?! It made no sense! Just yesterday, she was about to put him down, forever, and now all of a sudden, she feels bad for yelling at him?! What's the point in caring?! He needed to die. He was going to die.
When he starts a slow walk to the bedroom, Jessica stands up and opens her mouth to say something. But she doesn't. There was no point.
Despite the logic in not caring, her morning seemed to have a dark cloud hovering over her. She couldn't shake it. Once again, as she stands by the exit, she looks toward the bedroom.
Say something… Anything…
With her phone in hand, she solemnly shakes her head and whispers on the way out, "I'm sorry…", far too quiet for anyone else to hear.
*****ALL OR NOTHING (SEND IN THE REPAIRS)*****
Obviously, Victor was the first one she planned to call. But the moment she opens her phone, the old messages from Kilgrave flash at her. She couldn't help it anymore. She had to read them… and to her surprise;
{Where did you go? - K} - 6:41pm.
{Why did you leave? - K} - 6:54pm.
{I just want to know. - K} - 7:08pm.
{Please, Jessica. - K} - 7:10pm.
They weren't commands. They were worried. They were panicked. They were pained.
Stop feeling guilty. She begs herself in her head. If she had this much guilt because of this, what would she feel after she murders him?!
One thing at a time. She needs to focus on one thing at a time.
Victor.
Luckily, he was home this morning, and more than happy to see Jessica. Although, what she had to say was somewhat troubling.
"Y-you're saying i-it d-didn't work for j-just one t-thing?" He scratches his head, trying to understand.
"Yeah. It only happened the one time…" Her voice was heavy as she sat in front of him.
He shakes his head at her, looking frustrated by the idea. "T-that shouldn't b-be possible."
"I didn't think it was possible either, but then -" Before she can finish her sentence, Victor is rolling up her sleeve, preparing to take a blood sample. "Okay ~" She frowns at him for moving so quickly, but lets him proceed as normal.
He seemed more anxious than usual as he sets up her blood under the microscope and slides over to his computer. When the images come in, he blinks rapidly, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
"What is it?" She asks, wondering if he would ever tell her what he was thinking without her having to ask first.
"N-nothing." He replies, causing her to stand up and look on with him. "T-the virus i-isn't attached. T-there's n-nothing wrong."
Jessica furrows her eyebrows and squints at the screen. But it was clear that he was right. "Well… I took another pill this morning, so does that mean -"
He cuts her off abruptly, shaking his head with more vigor. "N-no, no, no. I-I measured i-it perfectly-y." It seemed like he was upset by the idea that he might have done something wrong. "I-I measured i-it p-perfectly." He repeats, staring at the screen a bit too hard. "O-one pill l-lasts e-e-exactly fifteen h-hundred minutes. E-exactly. T-that's t-twenty-five hours s-so you have a-an overlap-p time.
"T-the pill w-would n-not wear off e-early. I-it wouldn't. Y-you said i-it was s-still working, e-except f-for one rule. T-that's not p-possible. I-it can't w-work p-partially. I-its either all o-or nothing-g. A-and since you w-were still f-free, t-there was n-no reason t-that you couldn't h-have b-broken one o-of his r-rules." In this moment, he sounded strictly confident. Meaning that in his mind, there was no way in hell that there was something wrong with the cure.
And that landed the ball back in Jessica's court.
Her frown deepens. She didn't have a choice but to believe him at this point. He was a genius. And if he can say this with that much conviction, he had to be right. So what actually went wrong?!
The moment replays in her head. Her arms just stopped. It didn't make sense.
Since she stood thinking silently, Victor thought on his own. He seems much calmer when he speaks again. "J-Jessica?" Getting her attention, he inquires, "W-what rule w-were you t-trying to b-break?"
That was one of the things she definitely couldn't tell him. Speaking of violence in front of him was bad enough, so she surely wasn't going to tell him about attempted murder. "I can't tell you." She sighs, but it's clear that he understands and doesn't plan on prying.
Instead of pressing for that, he asks, "W-whatever y-you were t-trying to d-do… d-did you want t-to?"
Sitting back down, she acts as if she doesn't understand the question. "What do you mean…?"
He's not hesitant to ask her again. "D-did you w-want to d-do it?"
No. No. I didn't want to kill him. I don't want to kill him. I've already established that. But I have to. And I was going to. So I don't see how this is relevant.
"I mean… yeah. I was going to, but I just couldn't…" She shrugs, shifting slightly.
"Hmm." He gave her a relaxed side glance that basically read, "I'm-not-going-to-call-you-a-liar,-but-I'm-making-a-point."
Whatever he was trying to suggest didn't sit well with her.
*****ALL OR NOTHING (SEND IN THE REPAIRS)*****
What am I supposed to do? I thought we were getting somewhere. But she was being honest… what have I done recently to make her think I'm irredeemable?! She told me we could get there… together. Why does she hate me again?!
Was touching her really what set her off?! Bollocks. She couldn't have been more obvious. She wanted me to fuck her. God, I was so close…
"You've been like this all morning." Ruby states with a frown, standing up to meet him in the kitchen.
Kilgrave blinks out of his daze and turns to look at her. He doesn't even remember getting dressed today, but there he stood, fully clothed. "What do you mean?" He mutters, actually looking at her for the first time that day.
"You know what I mean." She whines, laying her head against his chest.
Despite being horribly lost in his head, Kilgrave wraps his arms around her. Even with this, he doesn't breathe a word. To him, she provided physical comfort more than anything else nowadays. And damn, was she good at her job. Her smell, her skin, her kisses were all things that kept him as sane as he could be.
"Come here…" She urges and takes his hand, motioning him to sit down at the table. When he does, she takes her natural position, straddling over his lap. 'What happened last night?" Seeing his continued silence, she sighs and kisses the skin behind his ear, sliding her lips down to the base of his neck. "Please talk to me."
Getting information from Kilgrave was rarer than it should have been. Before she moved in, he would tell her anything she wanted to know. About Jessica, about life in general. He was carelessly open with her and she loved it. But since then, he started keeping their affairs quiet and he would barely talk to her about anything real.
When she managed to get him to talk about anything involving Jessica, it was usually by distracting him with lazy, sexual gestures until he started letting his thoughts come out of his mouth. It was interesting how that worked, but Ruby found that it was a tactic that almost never failed.
"Ruby…" Kilgrave sighs, as if he were about to tell her to stop asking. But the longer she kissed him, he says her name again, with more of a surrendering tone.
"I just wanna listen, okay? You know, you just got dressed and I would hate to have to undo all your hard work…"
A soft, subconscious smile forms on his lips when he feels her fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. And that's when his thoughts start to flow out. Slowly at first. "It was just an argument… I guess."
"Yeah? About what happened at dinner?" She only opens the first few buttons, and when she feels his hands in her hair, she smiles against his skin.
"Yes." He continues but he still wouldn't go into detail about what actually occurred. "She's been having… intense mood swings, and it's driving me mad." His hands unknowingly tug on her hair, relishing in the way she whimpers because of it.
"What was she yelling about?" Her hips move over his when she asks, hearing a slight change in his breathing pattern.
There was no reply initially, but he eventually mutters, "She told me she never cared about me… and she never will… And I know she was serious because I told her to be honest…"
Ruby stops and pulls away from his neck to look him in the eye. "She said that to you?!"
He nods, solemnly. "It doesn't make sense. Before… she said we had a chance. And I've been trying…" Trailing off, he shakes his head and his eyes look at the floor. His emptiness was unraveling into darker emotions once again.
This was the best news Ruby could have heard. Jessica crushed Kilgrave! She ripped his sweet little heart out with her bare hands! Nothing could have been better. This was Ruby's chance. She had the opportunity to save him. Pick up his broken pieces and claim them as her own. Kilgrave would see nothing but her, for once. And they could continue on living the life they were meant to. As for Jessica, it shouldn't take much work for Ruby to convince him that she's the enemy. Honestly! Look at what she did to him. His heartbreak could be changed to hatred. Ruby was confident about that.
Obviously, she couldn't go on celebrating just yet. She needed to sympathize with him, before she actually starts rebuilding him.
"I can't believe her!" Ruby scowls, and frowns for him, nuzzling her face back into the crook of his neck. "What a bitch…"
Normally when she said anything insulting about Jessica, he would scold her in one form or another. But this time, he says nothing in her defense.
Ruby forcefully bites back a grin. She lets the silence remain for awhile until she utters, "Kilgrave… if she seriously told you that nothing could progress between you two… then why is she still here?"
… Why is she still here? What am I supposed to do with her? Maybe we should go back to the way it was before all this rubbish. I tried, and nothing changed. Forget her freedom. We can really be together again… and she'll smile for me…
Seeing that he was thinking about it, Ruby continues talking. "I mean, why bother, right? Do you really even need her anymore? After all that she's put you through and done to you… do you even want her anymore?"
The direction of his thoughts shift.
Do I want her anymore? Do I still love her? Why do I still love her?! What's the point in loving someone who will undoubtedly never love me back?! I shouldn't keep wasting my energy on her. I've spent too much of my life trying to make this work, and I've gotten nowhere.
"I don't know, Ruby." He sighs, as indecisive as ever.
She sits up to look him in the eye again. "Kilgrave ~. She's done nothing but hurt you."
She's right.
"I know that…"
"So why are you torturing yourself like this? Running around in circles with her… isn't it exhausting?"
"... yes."
She kisses his lips for a second and pouts at him. "You deserve better than this."
She's right…
"I know… but…"
He doesn't finish his thought, so she interjects. "Just think about it… the only thing she's done since you brought her here is try to change you. And for what?! Like… she says she'll be closer to you if you change, but has that actually happened? Last night, she told you blatantly that she would never get closer to you… so what's the point?"
I don't know.
"All she's ever done is order you around and give you empty promises. She's been using you to get her way and you've gotten nothing in return. What kind of relationship is that?!"
I don't know.
"She's fucked with your head. She hasn't even acknowledged your effort. She blames you for everything that isn't your fault. And she doesn't give you credit for anything you do for her. Honestly, she's acting like it's a bloody game! She's playing with you. She thinks she can just toy with your emotions, because to her, they don't matter. Isn't that a shitty thing to do?"
Yes.
"She doesn't love you, Kilgrave. She doesn't even care about you in the slightest…"
Sometimes, a person has to be broken even more before they can be "repaired".
All Ruby did was restate every thought that was already in the back of his head. She reinforced those ideas. She cemented them in the front of his mind. It was a natural talent of hers.
Any other day, Ruby would have expected him to stop her from talking, but he just looks at her.
She always looked so gorgeous, and harmless. But those eyes… they said everything for her. And everything they said was true.
It pained him to admit the facts, but there they were, staring back at him.
He felt his eyes cloud for a split second, and he leans his forehead against hers, weakly. "Ruby…" He whines, almost like a cry for help, reaching up to cup her cheeks in his hands.
She's incredibly quick to pull him into a kiss, and it's almost like she can taste his heartbreak in the way he pulls towards her. "I know…" She breathes, comforting him in between intense kisses, her hands finding his hair. "It's okay…"
He kisses her harder and bites at her lower lip, his eyes glossy with tears the threaten to fall. Taking his hands under her legs, he stands up and props her up onto the table. It was clear now how desperate he was. He wanted to feel something. Something besides these awful emotions that Jessica brought to him. And Ruby could give that to him. The satisfaction that he longed for beyond measure.
It was Ruby that he would end up fucking on the table.
Panting, she pulls his body closer and pulls up the skirt of her dress, giving them both the perfect amount of friction. As he places his lips over the purple marks on her skin, and starts to take off his belt, she whispers to him, "I love you, Kilgrave. I love you."
These words were something that she said to him often, especially in moments of passion. It wasn't a strange thing to hear. But this time was different.
Ruby loves me. She's proven she loves me. She's done nothing but be obedient and faithful to me. She has nothing in common with Jessica… and that's a good thing.
Does he feel it back? His emotions were too scrambled to understand. All he knows it that he can't bear the thought of losing both of them and being left with nothing.
The words were already coming out of his mouth before he could second-guess it, almost as if he were saying it to someone else. "I love you too."
This was his most vulnerable moment. Jessica might have broken him, but Ruby was the one that fixed him.
*****ALL OR NOTHING (SEND IN THE REPAIRS)*****
Jessica wasn't prepared to talk to him when she got back at night, so she was allayed when she returned to an empty hotel room. However, she couldn't help but wonder where the two had gone. Was Kilgrave still devastated because of what she said?
As she's settling down for bed, she shoves her bag under the couch, and stops when she feels something that was almost long forgotten.
Pulling it out from the dust, she blows it clean, and wipes the image clear with her sleeve.
The Silver Lining. The wolf who apologized, and the woman who forgave the beast. Because once again, it was impossible to forgive the action, but entirely possible to forgive the animal.
Looking at it again made Jessica's stomach clench.
Kilgrave made an effort. He made an effort and I told him it meant nothing… But he can be a hero… I can make him one… Goddammit.
Her end conclusion was the hardest thing that she had to officially decide. But she had been thinking on it all day, and her only option was clear. Everything was going to change.
It didn't matter if she could or couldn't kill Kilgrave. The bottom line was that she wouldn't.
I have to make amends. I have to apologize to him. Fuck. There's no other way this is going to work.
It's probably time for me to call Trish again. She deserves to know that I'm not coming home… maybe not for a long time. Because I'm not going to make the same mistake I made last time. This time, I have to stay with him.
Author's note:
Awww. Isn't it sweet that Ruby is helping Kilgrave heal? What a lovely woman. LOL
If only Jessica had come to that conclusion a little earlier…
Things are probably gonna get tense now! The fun never stops! Despite my regularly cruel writing, I LOVE YOU ALL!
P.S. "Isn't that a shitty thing to do?" - Sound familiar?