Sasuke moved from room to room at a near run. He wasn't sure what had the panic growing inside of himself, but he couldn't ignore it. He wanted to find Kakashi, to apologize yet again for once more saying and doing something stupid. Each room that he didn't find Kakashi in only seemed to add to that growing panic until Sasuke had to finally stop and force himself to calm down. Standing in the middle of the stairs, Sasuke closes his eyes and draws a slow deep breath, then another as he settled his nerves. When he opened his eyes again, he glanced up to the top of the stairs, finding Naruto sitting there watching him curiously. Mildly embarrassed, Sasuke turns away from his best friend and starts down the stairs. He stumbles to a stop in the middle of the stairs and turns when Naruto clears his throat behind him.

"Naruto?"

"Running like a madman through the house isn't going to do anyone any good."

Sasuke feels himself blushing and turns away from Naruto until the heat finally slides away from his cheeks. Turning back to Naruto, Sasuke sighs, looking up at his best friend. "I know that."

Naruto nods, then smiles down at Sasuke. "I know you do. Now, where's Kakashi?"

"I don't--" he starts to say, then stops when Naruto holds up a hand. Frowning, Sasuke starts to say something else, then stops again as a sudden surety fills him, making heat crawl up his cheeks again, embarrassed that he hadn't thought of it sooner. "He's probably in his study. He's almost always in there!"

Naruto just nods and Sasuke turns away, hurrying down the stairs. He pauses at the bottom and gives Naruto one last glance, seeing the older boy still smiling at him, but just before he turns away, Sasuke catches something else in Naruto's eyes. Too worried about Kakashi and the damage be might have done to their relationship, Sasuke ignores it and turns down the hall toward Kakashi's study. He stops at the door and stands quietly, slowing his breathing back to normal. When his breathing slows, Sasuke lifts his hand to the doorknob, but stops it halfway there. Frowning, he leans closer to the door and listens. Ice slides through his veins when he hears the unmistakable sound of sobbing coming from the other side of the door. He thinks he hears Kakashi talking to someone, but he can't make out the words as his heart begins to beat rapidly, making blood rush through his ears sounding like he was standing by a storm tossed ocean. Moving his hand the rest of the way to the doorknob, Sasuke turns it, but it stops halfway. Cursing he tries again, getting the same result. The door was locked.

Feeling panic beginning to rise inside of him again, Sasuke keeps trying to turn the doorknob, as if it would unlock itself if he only tried enough times. Leaning against the door, Sasuke calls out to the man on the other side. "Kakashi? Kakashi, it's me! Unlock the door!"

Pausing, Sasuke listens for a reply, or for the sound of Kakashi moving to the door. He hears only the miserable sobbing continue and his panic goes up another notch, and he begins twisting the doorknob wildly now. "Kakashi? Kakashi, please! Open the door! Let me in!"

Panting in his panic, Sasuke takes a half-step back and stares down at the offending doorknob, giving it one last violent twist, his wrist twinging a protest at such abuse. Feeling the panic building up to his breaking point, Sasuke sobs sharply once and stares at the doorknob. When a hand settles on his shoulder he jumps and nearly screams. Spinning around, eyes wide and wild with panic, it takes him a moment to realize that it was Naruto standing behind him, hand on his shoulder. Sasuke glances back at the door, motioning with his hand, trying to explain to Naruto what the problem was, but he can only whimper as the panic rides him. Naruto nods, understanding despite Sasuke's panic, leaving his tongue numb and useless. He grasps Sasuke shoulders firmly and pulls him away from the door, pushing him to one side. Sasuke starts to protest, but Naruto holds up one hand to stop him.

"Wait Sasuke, I'll get you in there."

Sasuke can only stare uncomprehending at Naruto until the boy pulls a small black pouch out of his pocket. Relief floods Sasuke as he finally remembers that Naruto had taught himself how to pick locks years ago. Sagging back against the wall, Sasuke watches anxiously as Naruto kneels down and sets to work on the lock. Sasuke begins to wring his hands as each second that ticked past stretched into minutes, then hours. It took every ounce of self control Sasuke could muster not to scream at Naruto to hurry, and just as he thinks his control is going to snap, Naruto stands up. It felt like days, but it was only moments. Staring at his friend, panting, eyes huge Sasuke tries to make his legs cooperate, to walk into the room.

"Sasuke, calm down. From what I can hear, Kakashi is going to need you to be calm. If you run in there panicking like you are, you're probably just going to make things worse. Now close your eyes and breathe deeply. Don't worry, Kakashi isn't going anywhere. He's waited this long, he can wait a few moments longer for you to calm yourself."

Wanting to scream protests, Sasuke closes his eyes and breathes deeply as he'd been ordered. With each indrawn breath he feels calmer, and with each exhalation, rational thought returns. After a few moments, he opens his eyes and smiles his thanks at Naruto as his best friend pushes the door open. Sasuke steps into the room, and seeing Kakashi curled up in the floor in front of the couch, he forgets everything else. Hurrying into the room to Kakashi's side, Sasuke doesn't notice Naruto withdraw, pulling the door closed behind him.

Kneeling next to Kakashi, Sasuke carefully draws to older man over so that he was laying with his head in Sasuke's lap. Tears beginning to roll slowly down his cheeks, Sasuke reaches out and brushes his fingers down Kakashi's cheek, the lightest of caresses. He nearly jumps when Kakashi moves, and he catches his breath when the older man speaks. "Mother, I tried to love him."

Feeling pain grip savagely at his heart, Sasuke closes his eyes for a moment and draws a deep breath to calm himself. Opening his eyes again, he looks back down at Kakashi and leans over him, cupping his cheek in one hand. "Kakashi, come back to me. Where ever you are, where ever your pain has taken you, it's time to leave. Come back to me, Kakashi. I love you."

"Sasuke?" the older man whimpers, black eyes opening slowly and turning in direction, but Sasuke doesn't think he is actually being seen.

"Yes, Kakashi, I'm here. I'm sorry for what I said. I'm a damn idiot, you should have figured that out by now. I was angry and feeling sorry for myself, and I took it out on you."

Kakashi closes his eyes again and draws himself back into a ball, sliding his hands up to clamp them over the back of his head. "He died because of me. It was my fault."

Sasuke, concerned that Kakashi was drawing away from him, blinks in shock at what he hears. Confused, he reaches out to stroke Kakashi's unruly silver hair back from his forehead, trying desperately to soothe him. "Who died, Kakashi?"

"Father. Father died because of me. I killed Mother, then I broke Father and it killed him."

Sasuke frowns, trying to remember what little he knew about Kakashi's past and his family. He remembered being told that Kakashi's mother had died in childbirth and that he'd never been close to his father. Kakashi had told him that his father had committed suicide after some trouble with his work had arisen. "You didn't kill your father, Kakashi, he killed himself. You told me."

Kakashi's eyes open and he pushes himself slowly up onto his hands and knees, staring dully at Sasuke. "I lied. I was ashamed of the truth. Father killed himself because of me. If I'd been a better son, a better person, he'd never have killed himself."

Sasuke gasps in shock, staring at Kakashi in horror, wondering where this was coming from, because this was a side of the older man he'd never even had a hint existed. "Don't say that Kakashi! You're the best person I know!"

Kakashi shakes his head and starts crawling across the room in the direction of his desk as he replies. "You didn't know me then, Sasuke. You didn't know me when I was a teenager. You didn't hear what I said to him. I was so cruel. But.. Oh God, I hurt so much, I had to hurt him back!"

As Sasuke watches, Kakashi turns to his desk and pulls himself up to his knees, holding tightly to the edge of the desk. He reaches out and picks up a picture Sasuke had paid no attention to before. Turning around, Kakashi drops back to sit in the floor, slumped back against the desk. Sasuke starts to move over to Kakashi, but stops when the older man begins to speak again, softly, as he stares at the picture. When Sasuke realizes that the man wasn't talking to him, he feels ice slide through his veins again.

"I wanted to love him, but he wouldn't let me. He was so full of hate because you were gone. All of his hurt turned into hate, and his hate turned into hurt in me. Maybe if I had tried harder to get him to love me, I wouldn't have said those awful things to him and he wouldn't have killed himself. Can you ever forgive me for being so cruel? Can you forgive me for being everything Father said I was?"

"Kakashi," Sasuke begins hesitantly, "your father's death isn't your fault. You were still a kid. Nothing you do could make someone take their own life. It was his choice to make. You said yourself he was hurting from losing your mother. That's why he did it, not because of anything you said."

Kakashi didn't seem to hear him. He kept staring at the pictures, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks again, though he was now crying quietly. Sasuke takes another step closer to Kakashi, but stops, jerking back with a surprised cry when Kakashi reaches over and slams the picture down onto the floor next to him. Sasuke turns his head to avoid the flying glass, and when he looks back at Kakashi again, the older man was on his knees again, digging through the glass, heedless of the cuts the sharp edges were leaving on his palms. Sasuke runs over to Kakashi and grabs his hands, jerking them away from the glass shards.

"Kakashi! Stop it! You're hurting yourself!"

Kakashi looks up at him, seeming to see him for the first time. Sasuke breathes a soft sigh of relief and lets go of Kakashi's hands to pull his shirt off. He rips it carefully in half and uses it to bind up both of the older man's bleeding hands. When he looks up into Kakashi's eyes again, he has to fight to not recoil from the pain and guilt he saw there. "Sasuke, even in his grave that bastard can still tear my heart out. He knew it would hurt, that's why he wrote it, I know it is."

Sasuke frowns as he kneels next to Kakashi, careful to the glass. "Wrote what, my love?"

Kakashi looks down at the shattered picture frame and winces at the blood on the bits of glass. Reaching out, he carefully pushes aside a few bits of glass and picks up an old bit of paper that had been hidden behind the picture. "His suicide note."

AN: In case anyone was confused, yes chapters 35 and 36 overlapped. I had to in order for you to see how Sasuke got to Kakashi, since he'd locked the door. And before anyone acuses me of doing something cheesy to advance the plot, such as conveniently making Naruto have the ability to pick locks, that's not true. I decided he could pick locks early in the story for something that I ended up not using. I just remembered as I wrote the last chapter that he could. Originally, Kakashi was supposed to fail to lock the door. Then I remembered that Naruto could pick locks, and there you go.
Had lots of trouble with this chapter, and I'm not sure why because I knew everything that was going to happen, but each time I sat down to write, my muse fought me. She even woke me up very early this morning and had me writing the chapter in my head, but again, sit down to write, and nothing. I finally forced myself to sit and write one line earlier this afternoon, and that's all it took to break the dam and get the flood going.
Also, I'm not sure yet, but I'm going to warn you in advance, the next chapter could very likely do the same overlap as 35 and 36 did. It depends on how much muse wants to handle what happens next.