*The song I quote in here wasn't planned, it was just something floating in my head when I wrote this chapter, which means that it was in Allison's head too.*
You Don't Have To Stand Alone
Chapter 38 – Fireworks
Anders watched Allison sleep as the moonlight spilled over her hair. Her face was peaceful and relaxed. He placed his right hand on the side of her face, careful not to wake her. He just wanted to touch her for a moment, for his own sake.
Fate or the Maker or the Creators or whoever it was, had decided that he had been alone long enough and had given him the greatest gift he could have asked for. Allison was everything he had ever wanted and everything he hadn't thought to ask for.
Anders knew what he wanted but he wasn't sure that Allison would ever truly be happy in Thedas. Cullen's remarks when they had first met again still echoed in Anders mind, prickling his conscience.
Did he have the right to ask Allison to stay with him? He was a fugitive and he could never give her what she deserved.
She deserved a real home and a family. Anders pulled his hand back and stared up at the ceiling. The unfairness of the situation made Anders' chest feel tight.
All he had wanted was to escape the Circle and be free. He'd been forced to join the Wardens to keep the Templars from taking him back and he had paid a dear price for a modicum of freedom.
The taint had stolen his future.
True, it seemed that Justice's presence was preventing the taint from killing Anders slowly but there were things that he wanted that he could never have. Like children.
And if Allison joined herself to him, she would be robbed of that gift as well.
Anders felt a deep sadness take hold of him and shut his eyes trying to make sleep come so he could escape it.
He wanted Allison to be with him for the rest of their lives but he didn't feel right asking her to give up her own future.
Next to him Allison shifted restlessly and then settled down once again. Anders turned and pulled her close to him, burying his face in her hair.
He could offer her nothing but himself and he wasn't sure that was enough.
...
At the Hanged Man Anders sat at a beaten up table with Varric, staring at the playing cards in his hand indifferently.
It was late in the day and Anders had stopped by to collect his payment from a job he and Varric had done. The dwarf had talked him into playing a short game before going home.
"So I had a threesome with a troll, a Templar and the Grand Cleric the other night." Varric said conversationally, watching Anders' distant face.
"That's nice Varric." Anders replied apathetically.
"Mmhm." Varric hummed. "So Blondie, what's got your ponytail in a twist today?"
Anders looked startled and then sheepish. "I'm sorry Varric. I'm just…distracted."
Varric feigned a look of astonishment. "You don't say? So what's going on in that head of yours?"
Anders put the cards down on the table and looked around the less than immaculate surroundings.
Waving a hand around them, Anders' expression was irritated.
"It's this." he said gesturing at the tavern. "All of it. How can you ask someone to live here?"
Varric was completely confused. "You want someone to live here?"
Anders scowled. "No, not here! I mean this place, this city. How can I do that?"
"Blondie you lost me. What are you talking about?" Varric asked in exasperation.
Anders glared angrily at the table which seemed to mock him with its battered appearance.
"I have nothing to give her." Anders said quietly and Varric finally understood.
"Ah, you're talking about Allison." Varric said, nodding. "What is it she wants? I'm sure we can find it."
"That's just the problem. It's not in my power to give it to her." Anders said irately.
Varric waved him off. "Nonsense. Just tell me and we'll figure it out."
Anders gave a Varric a hard look. "Can you give her a home? A real one? Can you fix me so that I can give her children? Can you change the world so that I'm no longer an apostate?"
Varric opened and then closed his mouth, unsure of what to say. Anders glared at him and then stared down at the table once more.
"That's what I thought." Anders said bitterly.
Varric took his time in speaking. "I uh, take it you've been doing some thinking and you want to make an honest woman out of our girl?"
Anders made a sound of disgust. "She is an honest woman. She's the best woman I've ever known. It's impossible."
Varric tilted back in his chair. "Don't say that. You'll ruin my epic love story. Has Allison said that she wants any of that?"
Anders snorted in derision. "She doesn't have to. Look at where we live! Who would want to make that their home?"
"You seem to live there quite happily." Varric commented.
Anders gritted his teeth. "She deserves better than that! She deserves better than what I can give her."
Varric felt his own annoyance rising and it came through in his tone. "Maybe you should stop presuming to decide what Allison wants or deserves and just ask her!"
Anders blinked at Varric's words. "I can't just ask her. She…what if she said yes out of some sense of obligation or fear that I would turn her out if she said no?"
Varric gawked at Anders before he was able to gather his wits enough to reply. "Do you know how stupid you sound?"
Anders bristled at the rebuke. "It's not stupid. She's trapped here. She may be afraid of what could happen to her."
The legs on Varric's chair hit the ground hard as he sat back up. He stood up and grabbed the collar of Anders' robes, making the mage's eyes widen in shock.
"Now you listen to me Anders." Varric said menacingly. "I didn't just watch that girl go through hell to save your life so you could sit here and say idiotic things that belittle her and her feelings for you. She loves you, obviously more than you deserve and you should respect her enough to let her make her own decisions."
Varric shoved Anders back a bit before taking his seat again. Anders straightened his collar, his cheeks red with consternation.
The two men were silent for a long while before Anders spoke.
"You're right Varric. Allison isn't shallow enough to accept me just because she has nowhere else to go. It's just…" Anders stopped.
"It's just that you love her and you want to provide for her." Varric finished.
"Yes." Anders agreed. "She's the most incredible person I've ever met and I just want to make her happy."
Varric smirked. "Well, I take issue with your statement that she's the most incredible person you've ever met, considering that you know me, but, I understand the sentiment. You should consider the possibility that just being with you is enough to make her happy."
Anders quietly reflected on Varric's words.
Could that really be enough?
Varric let Anders think and gestured for another pitcher of ale while he waited.
Anders finally looked up and his face was a little less stressed.
"Feel better?" Varric asked.
"A bit, yes." Anders replied. "Sorry that I was an idiot."
"So, how are you going to do it?" Varric asked
"Do what?" Anders asked blankly.
Varric rolled his eyes and asked the Maker for strength. "Ask her to marry you of course."
At the word "marry" Anders felt his heartbeat speed up and his hands go clammy. But that was what he wanted.
"I don't know. Can't I just ask her?" Anders said.
Varric shook his head. "Do you at least have a betrothal offering?"
"Um, no." Anders admitted and at Varric's look became defensive. "It's not like I've ever done this before or thought that I would! Besides what kind of offering would I make?"
In Thedas, different cultures and regions used various gifts for betrothals. Some used bracelets, others used jeweled piercings. In some areas gifts of cattle or food were given. In the ancient times sacrifices had been offered to the Maker to ask for his approval on a union before the offer of marriage was made.
"What do they do in the Anderfels?" Varric inquired.
The question made Anders go still as his memory took him back to his childhood.
He remembered his mother singing him to sleep when he was little. She would get a faraway look in her eyes as she sang and Anders remembered that she would unconsciously grasp the pendant that hung around her neck.
It had been hung on thinly braided goat hair but Anders remembered that it shone with a dark red color. When he had asked his mother about it her face had fallen a bit and she had told him that it had been a gift from his father when he asked for her hand. She had told him that they had been young then and his father had still loved her.
Anders snapped out of it and the memory faded leaving a hint of sorrow behind. Varric noticed it but let Anders keep the reason to himself.
"My mother had a necklace of sorts. I don't know if that's what the Anderfels do but it was lovely." Anders said solemnly. "I think I'd like to honor that."
Varric nodded. "Do you have anything in mind?"
Anders looked bewildered. "Um, no."
"What would you do without me?" Varric said, getting to his feet. "Follow me."
Varric went into his room and pulled a small trunk form under his bed. Taking a key out of pocket he unlocked and it began sifting through the contents. Varric grinned when he found what he was looking for.
He tossed the item to Anders, who caught it in the air.
Anders opened his fist and saw an intricately twisted gold necklace. On it hung a flashing blue sapphire the size of a man's thumb, that seemed to glow with an inner light.
"Varric…what is this?" Anders breathed.
"It was my mother's." Varric replied, coming to stand next to Anders. "It's one of the few things I managed to get from my relatives in Orzammar. Dwarven ruins are filled with gems so don't be too impressed."
Anders shook his head and pushed the necklace back towards Varric. "I…I can't take this Varric, it's too much."
Varric frowned. "Don't insult me. We've been friends for a long time and that means something to me. Let me do this."
"What if you decide to get married yourself someday? You'll need this." Anders argued.
Varric laughed. "First off, I never said that I was the marrying kind. Second, who said that I gave you the cream of my collection?"
Anders laughed and stared down at the flawless jewel. He could see it hanging around Allison's neck; telling the world that she had accepted him. That with all of his faults and complications, she still loved him and wanted to be with him. Anders had to admit that there was a certain male satisfaction in that idea even though Allison would smack him if he ever said so.
At the dreamy look on Anders' face Varric smiled and slapped the mage's back.
"Congratulations my friend." Varric said.
"She has to say yes first Varric." Anders said nervously.
"She's a smart girl. She will." Varric assured him. "Go get her."
Anders placed the necklace in his pouch and made his way home, his head spinning with anxiety and questions. And it wasn't just his anxiety. Justice was quite out of sorts at the prospect of asking Allison to stay with them, and the spirit was worried that she wouldn't want to make that promise.
How was he supposed to do this?
"Hello my darling, how are you? Would you marry me?"
"This necklace is pretty isn't it? Would you wear it in symbol of our eternal commitment?"
"Hi. How would you feel about living here with me forever?"
Anders winced at his lack of creativity. He was better at writing, so perhaps he could write her a letter.
No that's just stupid, Anders thought.
Justice offered up a memory of Kristoff asking his wife Aura to marry him.
Kristoff had been from Amaranthine and had simple roots. Aura had been from Orlais which was a very different place. Kristoff had spent months gathering a dowry of Orlesian silks and satins before asking for her hand.
Anders didn't think that Kristoff's example would be of much help. Allison wasn't like that. She preferred honesty and hated playing games. She liked to know where she stood with a person and Anders found that refreshing. She was one for straight talk and perhaps that was the way to go. Anders could simply lay out the reasons he wanted to marry her and she could either accept or refuse.
"You speak as if this is a business contract Anders." Justice commented.
"You're right. That's not the way at all." Anders agreed, feeling his stomach drop to his feet as he approached the clinic door.
He had no idea what he was going to say.
Anders closed the door behind him and turned when he heard singing and splashing coming from the bedroom.
He was already smiling before he saw her, but the sight of Allison sitting in perfumed water with her head resting against the back of the tub, her feet moving back and forth in the water while she sang some song that Anders had never heard had him grinning widely as he leaned against the doorjamb.
"You don't have to feel like a waste of space Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine 'Cause baby you're a firework
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
Just own the night like the 4th of July
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh, oh, oh
As you shoot across the sky"
Allison opened her eyes and squealed before flushing from embarrassment.
"Anders! You scared the daylights out of me. What are you doing just standing there?" she asked, wanting to sink beneath the water.
Anders sauntered over suddenly feeling very light and happy as he knelt next to the tub.
"I'm sorry, but it was so entertaining." he teased.
Allison stuck her tongue out at him.
"What were you singing?" he asked, folding his arms on the edge of the tub and resting his head there.
"Just a song from my world." Allison replied. "It's about not getting in your own way and just being yourself."
"Hmmm, how fitting." Anders murmured to himself.
"Huh?" Allison said.
"Nothing." Anders replied.
He looked into her eyes, feeling himself beginning to drown in the depths there. Allison seemed to sense that something was going on because she became very still and just watched him.
"I've never known anyone like you." Anders said softly. "And it's not just because you're from another world. You have the kindest heart, the purest soul I've ever seen."
He reached for her then, cupping her face in his right hand. She leaned into his hand and smiled, her face showing that she still wasn't sure what he was up to but she let him speak.
"I love you so much Allison. It terrifies me how much I love you, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't know if you can understand how much it means to me to have you in my life after everything that's happened." he continued. "I was never supposed to have this life, this freedom and I was never supposed to have you."
Allison opened her mouth to speak but Anders shushed her.
"Let me finish." he said.
Allison frowned slightly but remained quiet.
"I know that our life isn't ideal or easy. I can't give you everything that I would wish to." Anders admitted.
He loved the fire that leapt into her eyes at his statement and he could hear a million arguments that she would give him about not being ashamed of his life.
Anders smiled and kissed her lips which were pressed together in anger.
"I know. It doesn't matter to you." he acknowledged. "Someone had to remind me of that today."
Anders leaned forward and took her face in both of his hands now.
"I can't imagine my life without what I'm holding between my hands right now." Anders' voice shook and his heart was threatening to fly out of his chest.
"I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life, if you'll have me?"
Anders wished that he could freeze that moment in time because the look on Allison's face was priceless. Even though she held his future in her hands, he could still find humor in the way her mouth fell open and her eyes blinked slowly several times as if she wasn't sure that he was real.
Allison felt like the breath had knocked from her body. The water was warm but she felt cold first before warmth travelled through her blood again.
"Did…you just…ask me to marry you?" Allison stammered.
It didn't matter that she was sitting naked in a tub. Her life was about to change.
"I did." Anders confirmed. "You might want to try breathing Love."
Allison followed his advice and took a deep breath, then a few more, which helped to clear the dizziness from her head.
"You want to marry me?" she repeated, sure that she must be imagining things.
"Yes. I want to marry you." Anders said, torn between laughing and wanting to shake her so she'd give him answer.
"Is marriage the same here? You know: flowers, a dress, forever and all that?" Allison asked.
"Well, we don't have to do the flowers and dresses, but the forever part, yes." Anders replied.
Allison made a strangling sound before swallowing.
Anders was waiting for her to answer him.
Allison stared into amber eyes. Anders' existence had become inextricably connected to her happiness. The warm mouth that had kissed her countless times. The strong arms that had held her at night. The good and decent heart of a man who would use the forces of nature and the beyond to protect her.
How had she believed that her life had been enough before she met him? It seemed ridiculous now. There could be no Allison without Anders. Not anymore.
A smile stretched across her face as she rose on her knees in the tub and wrapped her arms around Anders' neck. She brushed her nose against his.
"I like forever." she said tightening her hold on him. "And I will absolutely marry you."
Anders actually sagged with relief and Allison laughed.
"Sorry about that, I just had to make sure I heard you right." she said as she patted his back.
"I think I aged five years while I waited for you to say something." Anders said feeling rather giddy.
He sobered though as he reached into his pouch, his hand curling around the necklace.
"I…have something for you. A betrothal offering." Anders explained.
Allison inhaled as Anders held up a delicate gold necklace that couldn't possibly have a sapphire hanging from it.
"I…that…it's…oh my God!" Allison finally got out. "Is that real!"
Anders nodded. "Do you like it?"
Allison put a hand over her heart. "It's beautiful. I can't believe it! Where did you get it?"
Anders smiled. "Varric was all too happy to part with it. I'm sure it will end up in his story."
Allison laughed and Anders stood up to fasten the clasp around her neck.
The gem softly reflected the light from the lanterns and Allison was overwhelmed by the meaning of the gift.
She stood up, not caring that she was wet, and threw her arms around Anders before kissing the breath out of him.
Anders lifted her out of the tub, his mouth moving more urgently against hers.
Their minds were so clouded by emotion that they simply stumbled to the bed and fell into it.
Anders hastily discarded his robe and then his breeches and shirt. Allison's skin was wet and soft and he wanted to taste every inch of her. She was his.
Allison felt as if time were moving too slowly. She needed Anders in a way that was almost frenzied. Her head swam and her heart pounded out a disjointed rhythm until he came to her and everything felt right again.
There was a new urgency that rode their senses; the knowledge that they were to be bound together in this life and the next.
Heated skin met. Breathless pledges and promises were whispered. Gasps and cries echoed in the night. They each gave what the other needed as their bodies moved in unison, until the heat that quivered and coiled inside finally swelled and broke like a tide.
Anders lay shaking in the aftermath, and pressed a kiss to Allison's chest, next to the sapphire that lay between her breasts.
"I promise to make you happy." he whispered.
Allison's pulse finally returned to normal. "You already make me happy." she said. "I'm glad I came here, to you. I wouldn't change anything."
Allison reversed their positions and put her head on Anders' chest so she could hear his heartbeat.
This was right.
This was where she was supposed to be.