Title: Validation
Summary: Never the perfect son or student or brother, Raphael does the unthinkable. Away from the lair and into an allegiance with Shredder, honor is replaced by his pronounced desire for validation.
Disclaimer: I have no ownership ties to the TMNT fandom or anything else I might reference. Credit to those who do.
SPECIAL THANKS TO! Bella13blue, my own personal Nemesis! (Because everybody needs one.) MY Nemesis has been a good friend; she's a great soundboard and has been kind enough to encourage and offer suggestions on my work for this fic.
Author's Notes: This chapter, along with the next two, will be short. I decided that each of Raph's brothers will get their own little chapter before we jump back to Raph and further the storyline.
Questions or comments, submit via review or PM. Thank you.
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CH 37
[Leo]
There was no rest. Not even meditation could pull the blue-banded turtle from the realms of conscious anxiety. He had tried to meditate, but his mind was too full, too fogged and beaten down by his unrelenting thoughts. His spirit was unable to transcend the boundaries of his physical form, so great was his unease. It was frustrating, but not as bad as the acknowledgement that his heart felt like a bag of rocks, plummeting; he could almost feel it dropping into the pit of his stomach, making him feel ill and distempered.
Spending this little bit of time with Raphael, it was better than anyone could have hoped, but also... it was hurtful. Because this arrangement was not permanent.
It was a tease, a reminder of what they lost. It was an assurance that they were close, but not close enough. It was like giving a child a present the day before his or her birthday, then taking it away because the timing wasn't right.
It was a false ending. Y'know, the kind near the end of a movie that has you getting up and ready to depart- because it felt like it was over, only to sit back down at the sound of ominous music as the film not only continues... but also takes a dramatic turn for the worse.
A false ending. That's what this was. An unreality. Because the honest reality would rear its ugly head the moment Raphael set foot out the door. It would be disparaging. A new breed of horror to go along with his own failures.
Leonardo wanted, more than anything, for things to be made right. For Raphael's presence to be a constant element in their lives. He wanted it so much that it hurt. He wanted his hotheaded brother back at the Lair. He wanted to spar, to share meals, to argue... He even wanted to suffer the allegedly insufferable fits of rage Raphael was prone to having.
Leo wanted to watch his normally red-masked brother storm off after a heated argument, only to come back hours later with a smouldering glare and a hesitant apology.
Because, yes, even Raphael was capable of apologizing- and he did it more often than anyone bothered to consider; it had become such a normal thing for him to mess up and work to make amends.
And of course, Leo was always ready to put him in his place with a lecture or scorn. With words. With a superior look that only furthered his brother's aggression.
Blind and habitual instigation followed by equally blind retaliation.
Their own personal routine.
It was an ill thing to crave, Leo knew. He knew. It was wrong, on so many levels, that he missed the spark in those amber eyes when they would push and shove and push again. The sheer aggravation that came so close to hatred but was overpowered by a loving bond so much more prominent. This is what they had. As brothers. As teammates. Something so strong that the greatest resentment could not tear through it.
Yet, for all his training, Leo -just like Raph- never noticed he'd taken it too far until it was too late.
It was a disease- these feelings Leo harbored and often hid. Feelings similar to what Raph never bothered to hide.
If an outsider were to compare the two brothers, the list of things they had in common would stop at 'mutant turtle' and 'driven.' Ironically enough, Leo knew their similarities were much more numerous. From their subtle quirks, to their passions, and their beliefs.
Leo believed that was one of the reasons he'd been able to locate Raph's spirit so easily along the Astral Plane. Their spirits, both alive with the need to understand and protect, even when there was nothing to fight.
The need was there, primitively so. Distinct and unavoidable.
It was something that both he and Raph shared, and it was so easy to start an argument, push for a fight, then bask in the thrumming energy he felt during and after. That excitement. The kind that made his heart hammer wildly and his vessels constrict. After putting up a wall and hiding behind the Leader-persona he'd created, pushing Raphael's buttons became an outlet all its own. Something that reminded him to feel alive. Something that allowed him to let go.
Even though he knew it was wrong, he pushed those buttons as often as he could. And he kept pushing them...
'Your form could use a little work.'
'I don't want you leaving the Lair tonight.'
'Master Splinter said he wants you to meditate. It might help you learn to control that temper of yours.'
'Raphael, you're reckless and impulsive. One of these days, someone is going to get hurt.'
'You never think about the consequences of your actions.'
Words Leo never hesitated on using. Yet he would never waste them on Donatello or Michelangelo unless they were truly warranted.
Raphael, on the other hand- For Raphael, those words tumbled from Leo's mouth as easy as breathing. Some part inside him assigned those words to his brother long ago, and he unleashed them with or without warrant. He was perfectly aware of how his treatment of Raphael was different than that of his other brothers, yet he never bothered to change it. It was too easy to look down on him for being unbalanced, emotional, unthinking, reckless. And if he could do it all over again...-
If he could find a way to turn back time. If he could change his words, his methods, his entire line of thinking...
'I'm sorry, Raph. Maybe I never said it enough. And maybe I wasn't there for you when you needed me, but you were always so physically strong and emotionally guarded. When something was wrong, you were quick to place blame, throw a punch, or run topside rather than try to talk. You were always quick to- No... You were talking. You tried. I just never listened. I was a terrible brother to you. A terrible brother, and an even worse leader. I failed you. I failed the family. But if I can, I want to make things right again. Before I let you walk out of here, I'll talk to you, and you'll talk back. And this time, I'll really listen. I promise. A closed mouth and open ears, I owe you that much and more, dear brother.'
Leo's intent was simple enough. His resolve was firm. The only question was, would he be able to hold true to his promise? Or would he and his brother be depicted as foes under the pretense of 'old habits die hard'?
Leonardo refused to give power to that thought. He loved his family; and Raph was part of that family. No matter the damage done or the depth of their separation, he refused to quit. He would strive to be there when he was needed, and with his heart in the right place, the correct tactics under his will, he would pull his family back together.
If any part of their bond was broken, he'd sell his soul to mend it. To stitch them back together again. To make the family whole once more.
He thought back to the encounter with Raphael on the roof of the hotel, right before Raph agreed to go along with him and the others.
Their conversation.
Raphael's slight concern. The askance if he'd been taking care of Mike and Don.
It was proof enough, Leo decided.
Raphael cared- not that there was ever a question of the matter. But he cared enough to ask if they were alright. Cared enough to humor them in this one-night-stand of a reunion.
Leo drew in a deep calming breath and latched onto that thought. 'Raphael has always cared. If he could just see the way Mikey gets- the forced anger he uses to cover the hurt, and even worse: the fake smiles... And if Raph could only see the way Don's been pulling away- Shell, it's like having two incomplete portions of Raph, but no Donnie or Mikey. And, still, no Raphael. And I'm not any better. -Dammit, Raph! If you'd just come home, everything could be normal again. Mikey would laugh, like he was laughing with you over his stale jokes. And Don would be his warm, calm, and subtly compassionate self again, like he's been all night. And me, I might get some genuine peace of mind. Because, honestly, even meditating is taking a toll on me. Do you know what it's like... to slip so deep into the Spirit World that it's hard to come back? Hard to coerce my own soul back into the body that hosts it?'
Looking over his brother's sleeping form, Leo confessed internally.
'Sometimes, I don't even want to come back. It never used to be that way, Raph, and I'm terrified. I know I have my own selfish motives for asking, but please come home. And stay home. I know I can be a bit of a hardass, but that's all I have to offer. I have an image to uphold. Responsibilities. The only time I let go of those responsibilities, is when I'm fighting with you. You're my brother. You're my obligation. But, you're also my friend. My life support.'
Slowly, hesitantly, Leo placed a hand on one of Raphael's.
'Your absence, it's put a lot of things in perspective for everyone. But mostly, I think it's opened my eyes to how right you were about everything. I can be incredibly selfish. But you let me be that way. You indulge me. And I need that indulgence. I need you. And I can only hope you need me as well.'
Leo felt Raphael's hand move to grasp his own, as if offering assurance. And he smiled
"Enjoy your rest, Raph."
...
[Leo's portion down. Don's is next. Then Mike's.]