"Kyon!" Haruhi shouted, kicking the door to the clubroom in. "You'll never guess what I have found after hours of countless searching!"

"First of all, you told me you were going to the library and that was ten minutes ago," Kyon answered wearily, bored of waiting during lunch. "And as for your question, I'm going to go with... a sense of self-control?"

"Nertz to that, you waste of flesh! I have something more valuable than that! I have finally found the map!" Haruhi paused for dramatic effect. She leaned into Kyon's face, something hidden in her hands behind her back.

Kyon looked to the side to avoid the club-leader's creepy gaze and said, "Map to what? Or where? Atlantis? El Dorado? The Garden of Eden? "

"Nuh-uh! More legendary and mystical than those spots! I have found..." Haruhi thrust a tattered sheet of brown paper in Kyon's face. "...THE MAP TO BACON MOUNTAIN~!"

"...The map to what?"

"Bacon Mountain! It's only the most magical and awesome thing ever! An entire pile of crispy goodness that rises so far, that it is said to kiss the sky. A river of maple-syrup flows straight from its peak! Fluffy waffles and pancakes decorate the earth around it. And scrambled-egg bushes dot its cliffs. Truly a delight for the human soul!"

"Haruhi, are you doing any kind of... drugs? We can get you some help."

"I'm not on anything!" Haruhi snapped. "Bacon Mountain is real! It's the only food I'd ever want to have sex with! I've loved it since I was a child!"

"Sure, sure... But what exactly are you going to do? Climb it? Because I highly doubt that even you could eat the whole thing without dying. Even WITH the help of Nagato and Tsuruya."

"Ha!" scoffed the tsundere. "What kind of fool do you take me for? You and I will embark on a two-man expedition to the summit. Once there, we will meet the fabled King Yum-Yum. Lord of all pigs and swine. His many sons and daughters will be present as well. We shall steal one of King Yum-Yum's children, bring it back here, and chow down on the most succulent bacon ever!"

The straight-man tried to hold in the flood of questions he wanted to spit out (like why the fuck the leader of all hogs would want to live on a tower of its slain brethren), but he instead decided to ask, "Are you seriously going to try to steal a piglet? To eat? We could just go down to the corner-market and buy you a pack of bacon. And even if you DO manage to climb to the top, what's going to be stopping you from growing attached to the pig and wussing out from killing it?"

"Not to worry." Haruhi withdrew a large kitchen knife from somewhere, and ran a finger over its side, shooting her subordinate a sinister smile. "I fully intend to brutally butcher and devour this animal once we capture it. Even in front of its parent if I must. Hee hee hee hee~..."

Extremely creeped out, Kyon stepped over a puddle of drool (a bi-product of his leader's speech), and snatched the map from Haruhi's clutches. "Haruhi..." he said, giving the paper a once-over. "...this is a fake map."

"Eh?" said Haruhi, glancing up from her reflection in the knife.

"First of all, this map has been drawn on the back of an old poster for the music club. Secondly, Bacon Mountain has been drawn entirely in crayon. Thirdly, this back-story at the bottom about King Yum-Yum has more errors than Taniguchi's grammar tests and is written in ink. And at last, there's a faint spot of strawberry-jam on the corner, which is the same kind of jam they were serving today at the early student-breakfast event. Meaning some kids were probably eating as they drew up this map as a gag for you to find," Kyon explained in a single breath, not even looking the least bit tired.

Haruhi's jaw dropped as the knife nearly slipped out of her grasp. "B-B-But..."

"Face it, Haruhi," the boy muttered, tossing the paper carelessly onto the table. "Some immature jerks just wanted to dupe you. Bacon Mountain isn't real."

With an all-knowing, but sympathetic smile, Kyon walked past a sullen-faced Haruhi and into the hallway to go eat his lunch.

The very next day, Kyon stepped outside his house and fell into a river of maple-syrup. He was subsequently fished out by a passing Haruhi and her French-toast raft.

A/N: BACON- IT'S GOOD. AND GOOD FOR YOU~!

Credit to BKE for the lulzy idea.

No pigs were harmed during the making of this chapter.