A/N: Ohhh, the angst. So much angst. I swear I'll review reply!

Chapter 38: Destiny

Jack had left to sort out the debris of what had happened as Rose stayed absolutely still and silent now she'd run out of tears. The Doctor didn't move, just letting her hold onto him like a rock in a storm.

He hated this.

This little idyllic life he'd built for himself seemed to have been completely destroyed in the space of one hour, by a single man. Not only that, but from now until the day she died all Rose was going to think about was those three seconds of complete madness. She was now stained forever.

The worst part was, it was all his fault. He'd been kidding himself, for all these years, that he would be able to cope with this kind of life. But he hadn't been able to. He'd tried, so hard to make it work. But it was now clear that he couldn't.

He'd led her to this. This was his fault. It was his life that he'd forced her to lead. She was never meant to be like this. He'd taken an innocent and infected her with death. He had the audacity to call himself a doctor, but right now, he couldn't conceive of anything he could prescribe that was going to heal this.

He realised that despite being dead and not fulfilling his aim, Tony had ultimately won.

Jack came back quietly, stooping to his haunches to the Time Lord. 'Braxiatel's now in the Tardis console room in his containment field, Tony's body's there too. I'm keeping the door to the infirmary closed so Leah won't wander out.'

'They're okay?'

'Both fine. Leah wants to know what's going on, though.'

The Doctor nodded. 'Go to her. We'll follow in a bit.'

Jack nodded, glancing at Rose before he got up, and left again.

After a few more silent minutes, the Doctor pulled back and gazed at her. She looked so lost and disassociated from reality.

'... I really killed him, didn't I?' she finally said.

'Yeah,' he replied. There was nothing else to say to that.

'This is horrible,' she whispered.

'I know.'

'This feelin' is what you have, every day, isn't it?'

'Yes.'

'... Does it ever get better?'

He decided not to disguise anything. 'The first kill is the worst. For me, some days it swells up, other days I forget about it. But it's always inside me. Throbbing away. So far, it's never got better. There's just good days and bad days. I've always wondered if it feels the same for other people.'

'It … It feels like there's some ugly, horrible beast inside me, filled with my blood, right in my chest. Covered in veins that throb every time my heart beats. It's part of me. It keeps roarin' and shakin' my insides. Every time it roars a little bit of me dies,' she said.

He nodded. 'That's what I feel.'

'But it's worse for you,' she croaked. 'It wasn't just one person.'

'Actually, the more people you kill the less it seems to matter,' the Doctor replied honestly. 'After a while, it feels inconsequential. Just a number. A kill count. But the beast's still inside, and it grows and grows as you keep feeding it with all the people you kill. The day you stop, it starts getting hungry. It knows you're not going to feed it again, so it roars louder and louder and louder. It hurts, more and more.'

He could barely believe he was having this conversation with her. He'd never imagined in a million years he would have to.

'God, yeah, it hurts,' she whined. 'So much. I want this to stop. I want this feelin' to go away …'

'You're never going to forget this. It's never going to go away. I'm sorry.'

'Help me,' she begged, looking at him with shining, hopeful eyes. 'Wipe my memory, or somethin', anythin' …'

'It won't help,' he said quietly. 'Believe me, I tried. The beast is still there. It still roars. It's almost worse, because you're have no idea why you feel so horrible. You've got nothing to direct it at. You start to feel psychotic, because you don't know why you're so angry and sad. I won't do that to you.'

She choked out a huge sob, and fell onto him. 'I dunno how you got through this. I dunno how you live with it.'

He impulsively kissed her forehead. 'This is the moment you decide what you're going to do. The beast is born, and there's no going back. Either you submit to it, or you fight. Please don't go the same way I did.'

'But I can't fight this ... I just can't. I can't face it. I killed him, Doctor.' She raised her bloody hands and stared at them, shaking slightly. 'What the hell am I gonna tell my mum?'

He pushed her hands down, and covered them. 'I'm going to do everything I can for you. You're not going to lose. You don't have to face this alone. I'll help you fight.'

'I'm so scared.'

'I know. But you've got me. Whatever happens. It doesn't matter whether the monsters are standing five feet in front of us or if they're in your head. I'll find a way to beat them. I'm not going to pretend this is going to be easy. This is going to be hard. Really hard. But whenever you need me, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You saved me from this, and now it's my turn to save you. But you have to promise me you won't give up. Don't let it win. Please.'

'Okay.'

'Promise.'

'I promise. … I'm so sorry I did this to you,' she whispered.

'You've done nothing to me,' he said. 'In fact, you saved my life back there. My first kill was for nothing but to satisfy my own anger. Knowing you did it to save another life won't save you from the guilt, but it's something to think about. More than I had.'

'I love you.'

'I love you too,' he replied without hesitation, and kissed her.

She looked at him sitting there, covered in bruises, cuts, and blood. 'God. Look at you. You're wrecked.'

'I'll live,' he assured her, smiling a little. He wasn't about to tell her that every twinge he made he was struggling not to cry out. 'All in all, today's been pretty rubbish, hasn't it?'

Finally, he saw a ghost of a smile. He grinned back.

'How can you do that?' she asked, her face suddenly dropping.

'What?'

'After everything that's happened … you can make a joke. It feels wrong. But I dunno if that's right or wrong. But then again, I've just killed my own brother to save you.' She laughed, hysterically. 'Oh god, I don't even know my own head anymore. I don't know if it was right to do that.'

'Welcome to the club,' he said. 'Morality is complicated. I try not to think about what's right and wrong. It's better that way. But you saved my life, and that's more important to me than morality.'

She choked out a sob, holding him again.

'C'mon,' he said. 'Let's get back to Torchwood.'

'I can't,' she croaked.

'Yeah, you can,' the Doctor said gently, cupping her face. 'We're going to break this down into parts. Baby steps. All we're going to do right now is stand up. You can do that. That's not scary, is it?'

Rose swallowed, searching the floor with her eyes. '... No.'

The Doctor struggled upright using a nearby console, pain shooting through every fibre of his being, but he hid it from her as best he could. She followed him, struggling upright.

'Now, we're going to walk to the door of this room,' the Doctor said carefully as she sought out his hand. 'Take all the time you need.'

They started to walk, when suddenly the entire room seemed to flash. Rose stopped immediately, gasping and panicking.

The Doctor held onto her. 'Just a malfunction,' he assured her, despite having no idea. He sped up a little. Even a malfunction would indicate the ship was powering up somehow, and if he was part of the power cell he didn't particularly want to find out what would happen. He wanted to get as far away from this place as possible. 'C'mon.'

Rose obliged, trusting him completely. They were nearly at the door, when the Doctor's hand spontaneously began to feel like it was on fire. He cried out, grabbing it and checking. The blue scar that had disappeared so long ago was back, and pulsating a bright, blinding blue, like it had been activated.

'Doctor,' Rose gasped, clinging onto him.

'Something's happening,' the Doctor said quickly, his eyes wide. 'Move!'

They rapidly reached the door, but just before they stepped through it suddenly slammed closed, and audibly locked.

'Doctor!' Rose cried again. He looked at her, and she gasped, staring at him. 'Your eyes are blue, like when you had a vision …'

Suddenly there was another flash of hot, white light. The Doctor's head seemed to explode with pain like never before. He slammed his eyes shut and turned, and immediately realised that they weren't alone in the room anymore. Standing in front of them were five strange beings - creatures that were unlike anything he'd seen before. They were so beyond his realm of reference that he couldn't even assign adjectives to them.

'Doctor!' Rose cried. He deftly stepped in front of her to protect her.

One of the beings stepped forward. Words seemed to form in his head. Not telepathy, but something else entirely. Something higher - something he couldn't even explain.

DO NOT BE AFRAID.

It felt like somehow the being he was looking at had just poured a bucket full of liquid words straight through his head.

PLEASE. WE MEAN YOU NO HARM.

He tried to open his eyes, but the searing headache just bounced back.

IT WILL NOT HURT IF YOU KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.

He decided he didn't have much choice in the matter, so took their recommendation and kept his eyes shut. 'I …'

One reached out to him, and suddenly he felt like his entire body was abruptly turning to ice. He cried out with surprise, and he heard Rose scream. He saw a rush of strange blue light seemingly washing out of his body and straight into the being's hand.

Then, just as quickly, it was over.

'What …' he tried, but he didn't get anywhere. His eyes rolled back in his skull, and he collapsed.

'No, Doctor!' Rose gasped, dropping down next to him and shaking his uninjured shoulder desperately.

HE WILL BE FINE. PLEASE DO NOT PANIC.

Rose looked at the weird beings fearfully. 'What have you done!?'

The being who had done that to the Doctor held up the now overly-familiar single blue sphere, formed from the energy it had just extracted.

WE HAD TO EXTRACT THE ENGINE FRAGMENT FROM HIM.

'Who the hell are you!?'

WE ARE THE DISCIPLES OF THE LIGHT.

'The ones from Krop Tor!?'

YES. YOU ARE CONFUSED. WE DEEPLY APOLOGISE FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH ON YOUR WAY TO US.

'Wait … you did this to him?'

YES. WE HAD TO BRING THE DOCTOR HERE. THE ONLY WAY WE COULD WAS BY PUTTING A FRAGMENTED PIECE OF OUR ENGINE INSIDE HIM, TO GUIDE HIS FATE TO PLACE HIM ON THIS SHIP.

'This is your ship?'

YES. WE BUILT IT AS A WEAPON, BUT WE REALISED AS YOUR UNIVERSE WAS BORN, THE SHIP WAS SO POWERFUL WE COULD NOT RISK IT FALLING INTO EVIL HANDS. WE DECIDED TO PLACE THE SHIP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BIG BANG THAT CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE. THE EXPLOSION SHATTERED THE ENGINE CORE INTO TEN PIECES, THROWING THEM ACROSS THE TIME AND SPACE OF YOUR UNIVERSE. WE ONLY MANAGED TO RETAIN ONE PIECE. THE PIECE WE PUT INSIDE THE DOCTOR.

'Why?' she asked anxiously.

WE KNEW ONE DAY A HUMAN WOULD ATTEMPT TO FIND AND REASSEMBLE THE ENGINE. WE TOOK ACTIONS TO STOP HIM. WE CAN SEE TIMELINES, STRETCHING AND WEAVING THROUGHOUT THE BIRTH OF YOUR UNIVERSE TO ITS DEATH. NEARLY EVERY TIMELINE OF CREATURES THAT LIVE WITHIN THE DOCTOR'S LIFESPAN CONVERGE ON HIM. HE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CREATURE IN THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR UNIVERSE.

Rose looked down at him, lying there so hurt. She could feel the tears creeping again. 'Yeah,' she croaked. 'He is.'

WE PLACED THE KEY WITHIN HIM A VERY LONG TIME AGO TO ALLOW IT TO GUIDE HIS FATE TO THIS POINT. WE HAD TO PREVENT THE HUMAN FROM SUCCEEDING. ONLY THE DOCTOR COULD DO IT.

'Wait … did you also get him out the rift?'

YES.

'... You're gods ...'

NO. WE COME FROM A PLACE WHERE YOUR PHYSICAL LAWS AND UNDERSTANDING OF LIFE, DEATH, TIME, SPACE, AND MATTER DO NOT APPLY. WE ARE A HIGHLY ADVANCED CIVILISATION, BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING. WE ARE NOT GODS, BUT TO YOU, WE HAVE GODLIKE POWERS. THIS IS SIMPLY HOW OUR PHYSICS WORKS.

Rose swallowed, clutching onto the Doctor a bit harder. She looked at the one who appeared to be the one speaking to her, and all the ones behind it who were seemingly just standing there. 'Why don't the others talk?'

THE WAY YOU COMMUNICATE IN YOUR UNIVERSE - THROUGH WORDS AND PHYSICAL ACTIONS - IS NOT A CONCEPT TO US. ONLY I AM TRAINED TO SPEAK WITH YOU, IN A MANNER SIMILAR TO WHAT YOU CALL 'TELEPATHY'. THE FORMS YOU SEE ARE ALSO NOT WHAT WE LOOK LIKE. WE HAVE APPROPRIATED SOMETHING CLOSE TO A PHYSICAL FORM TO REASSURE YOU. YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND OUR TRUE PRESENCE OF FORM, AND WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL IN ANYWAY THREATENED, ROSE.

Rose gaped. 'You know my name?'

YES. IN LOOKING AT THE DOCTOR'S TIMELINE, YOURS RUNS ALONGSIDE IT TO A GREAT EXTENT. THE DOCTOR IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CREATURE IN YOUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE, AND YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT CREATURE TO HIM.

She just stared, gobsmacked.

NOW, THE DOCTOR HAS COMPLETED HIS MISSION. ALL THAT IS LEFT IS TO THANK YOU, AND OFFER SOMETHING IN RETURN. YOU KNOW OUR POWERS ARE NEAR LIMITLESS TO YOUR UNIVERSE, ROSE TYLER. WE CAN DO NEARLY ANYTHING FOR YOU. WE WILL GRANT YOU WHAT YOU DESIRE. WHAT IS IT YOU WOULD LIKE?

Rose felt like she'd been slapped in the face. These highly-advanced people were offering her a wish. A limitless wish.

She could wish for anything.

She didn't even know where to start. In the past three hours she'd seen her husband physically and violently abused, her son shot, the Doctor's brother pretty much murdered, and her own little brother slain by her hand. And never mind the last three hours. In all the time she'd known the Doctor, so many people had died - friends, family, and even children. Her entire time with him, she realised, had been filled with so much pain and loss. He'd suffered, she'd suffered, and the people around them had suffered.

In her destroyed mind, she blamed herself for it. Not only was she torn inside for her own actions, but she'd heard the Doctor's thoughts when he'd been hugging her. She hadn't told him she'd heard him, but she knew. He blamed himself for her actions. Her killing Toby had ripped him apart inside. She'd destroyed his belief in her, and his belief in himself. She'd killed Tony. She'd ruined not only her own psyche, but the Doctor's too.

Their relationship was never going to be the same again. Who knew how it would pan out? Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the start of the end. Maybe they'd end up splitting. It would break her heart, and both of his, she knew. But how could they go on from this point?

How could they just carry on after all this?

Everything was a complete mess. She was a murderer, and he knew it. No matter what he said, she'd heard his thoughts. Thoughts of doubt about her, and blaming himself for it. Yet another struggle he'd have to go through because of her. Yet more pain.

Now, she was fairly convinced that this was it. They wouldn't get through this. Everything she had loved and lived for so long was about to end. This was the price for having experienced this dream life with the Doctor. She'd thought she'd be with him forever, and now she was rapidly convincing herself that it was already over.

She wanted to save him from that. He didn't deserve it. She also couldn't go through any kind of break up with him. He meant too much to her. It would finish her off to have to watch him go.

A blinder of a thought hit her between the eyes.

She could ask the Disciples to change history. She could change it so when she, the Doctor's metacrisis, and the Doctor had been standing on Bad Wolf Bay, they'd not gone with him. She could change it so she and the metacrisis stayed on the parallel world. Therefore, she and the Doctor would have never got together. They'd never have had Leah, or Alex, or Theo. She'd have lived on the parallel world with the metacrisis. Tony wouldn't have gone bad. Her mum wouldn't have to try and understand why her daughter had committed the murder of her son. The Doctor wouldn't have been completely ruined. He could have go on, with new faces, new companions, and new adventures. Without her. He'd be free. Free of his guilt.

It made so much sense.

She looked at the Doctor, still unconscious.

'I love you, but I can't,' she realised. She had to give up everything she had known for so long. To save him. Go back to the beach, and say good bye there. By staying with him, she'd ruined his life. Now, she could set him free.

Something in the back of her head screamed how unreasonable this was, but caught in a storm of anger, guilt, defeat, and depression, the little voice was completely ignored. It made sense, didn't it? It made perfect sense. Stop all of this from even happening.

She kissed him, one last time. She then looked up at the Disciples. She couldn't believe what she was about to do. But she had to save the Doctor. She had to fix this mess.

She took a deep breath, and began. 'I want …'

Don't you fucking dare.

She stopped at the sound of the Doctor's angry voice in her head. She looked down at him. His eyes were suddenly open, and staring at her with unbridled rage. But it wasn't Trevor. It was him. He was furious with her.

'Doctor?' she asked, stunned. He never swore.

Don't you change one single word of that day, Rose Tyler.

She shook her head. 'I've gotta save you. Don't you see? If you left me and the metacrisis on the beach that day, then …'

Then everything I love and cherish will be nothing but a story.

'But …'

You will NOT do it.

She hesitated. 'Doctor … I heard you earlier. You think you did this to me. I can't let you think like that. I gotta save you from … from me.'

That's something we have to deal with. Together. But I'm not prepared to lose all of this.

'But our lives have been ruined,' she croaked. 'This is it. This is the end of the Doctor and Rose.'

I've loved you for so long, Rose. Don't you dare take away the chance I had to show you that. Don't take away the best thing that's happened to me for hundreds of years. I don't want to live an empty life. I don't want to go forward from leaving you on Bad Wolf Bay, alone. I don't want the cycle I'd been living to carry on.

She couldn't find any words.

This is the destiny I want to live. If you're going to do this, then you'll be taking away not only yourself from me, but also my children, my love, and my life. If you really love me, you won't take it away from me. If you think this is the only option, then I'll know you don't care. Don't start the cycle of death. Don't make the first decision after Tony to kill more people. Because if you do this, you'll be killing everything. Killing our kids. Killing me. Killing yourself.

'But what the hell are we gonna do?' she croaked.

We go on. We fight. I told you this is where you decide how what you've done shapes your life. I still love you. I still need you. Nothing will ever change that. So make a decision.

She was in tears again. '... I'm so sorry.'

I know you're scared. I know this hurts. I know exactly how you feel. But you don't have to be scared. You're not alone. You're just very, very upset and confused right now. You're in shock. You feel like it's too much to cope with. Your world's spinning and you feel like you can't hold on. You want an easy fix. But this isn't it. Don't do something this stupid because of an impulsive decision.

'Then what do we do?' she croaked.

Do exactly what your rationality tells you. What's most important to you right now? What needs to be fixed?

'I want to stop feelin' like this.'

You can't. Think again.

'I want … I want you and me to stay together.'

Well, that's already a given. Think again.

'I … don't want you to feel so guilty because of me.'

That's my problem, not yours. Think again.

'I don't want you to be so injured.'

I'll heal. Think again.

'I … don't want Mum to hate me for what I've done.'

Then that's your wish.

She gazed at him. His eyes were shining so brightly.

She looked up at the beings. 'I don't want my Mum to hate me for what I've done. I want her to understand. I don't want her to suffer. I want her to be happy.'

The one who'd been talking to her appeared to nod.

THEN THAT IS WHAT YOU SHALL HAVE.

The beings suddenly faded away. The door unlocked, and all was silent.